[ this is an unfathomable level of commitment. well maybe not completely hard to picture, in ways that run parallel with everything in his head that he's been rewired not to brush up against.
he's not worth this. there isn't even enough of him to know what to do about it, and every time he stops thinking for a little while it just comes back again full-force, a tense, terrible itch beneath his skin. there's something wrong with him, there's always been something-- even as a cadet, even when he was supposed to be part of a greater unified purpose, he never fit right, something inside him wasn't made right.
all the high scores in the galaxy couldn't fix it. the fact that he's here means reconditioning couldn't even fix it. he's not worth this. ]
Did I understand you at all before, or have you always made no sense as a person?
[ he'd stood in front of captain phasma once and said we're only as strong as our weakest link. tried to use it to justify going back for slip in a simulation, for helping him keep up and stay focused when he would inevitably fall behind. we're only as strong as our weakest link, he'd thought, and it makes us stronger to bolster it.
what finn knows now, what reconditioning could fix, is that his old idea of strengthening his team was foolish and misguided. a weak link is a weak link. if it breaks off-- if it gets itself captured and reprocessed, if it's so much of a liability to even attempt to retrieve it that someone has to go AWOL in their own half-cocked attempt-- then any unit is objectively improved by letting it stay behind. slip was a liability to his fire team. finn, apparently, is a liability to the entire resistance, and to poe on a personal level.
he feels nauseous when he thinks it. he doesn't know why. ]
no subject
he's not worth this. there isn't even enough of him to know what to do about it, and every time he stops thinking for a little while it just comes back again full-force, a tense, terrible itch beneath his skin. there's something wrong with him, there's always been something-- even as a cadet, even when he was supposed to be part of a greater unified purpose, he never fit right, something inside him wasn't made right.
all the high scores in the galaxy couldn't fix it. the fact that he's here means reconditioning couldn't even fix it. he's not worth this. ]
Did I understand you at all before, or have you always made no sense as a person?
[ he'd stood in front of captain phasma once and said we're only as strong as our weakest link. tried to use it to justify going back for slip in a simulation, for helping him keep up and stay focused when he would inevitably fall behind. we're only as strong as our weakest link, he'd thought, and it makes us stronger to bolster it.
what finn knows now, what reconditioning could fix, is that his old idea of strengthening his team was foolish and misguided. a weak link is a weak link. if it breaks off-- if it gets itself captured and reprocessed, if it's so much of a liability to even attempt to retrieve it that someone has to go AWOL in their own half-cocked attempt-- then any unit is objectively improved by letting it stay behind. slip was a liability to his fire team. finn, apparently, is a liability to the entire resistance, and to poe on a personal level.
he feels nauseous when he thinks it. he doesn't know why. ]