[ he wonders how many times it's going to circle around to this. to these sort of base-level questions of "you don't believe me" and "what can i do to get you to trust me". he feels like there are gears in his head and something got wedged in there. like maybe he can force them a little further sometimes, but in the end they're still always gonna get so far and then crank backwards, because there's no forward.
he wonders if he could disappear into this scummy city before poe found him again, if he books it out the door fast enough. he wonders if there's a first order outpost somewhere that he can just-- if they do recondition him again, if he walks away from this... this thing that's found him, and asks them to make it stop, if he makes a choice and decides he doesn't want this--
he wonders if living and choosing are supposed to hurt all the time or if that's something they forced into him when they scrubbed out the rest. whatever the rest used to be. whoever. finn takes a few good quiet moments to zone out about it. he wants to say there isn't anything poe can do to make that happen. he wants to say there is but he doesn't know what the way is yet. but those are dumb options. ]
At this point?
[ dissociating is the real mood when you can't deal with this shit. ]
I'm not even sure if I trust that you're real half the time.
[ like it's 50/50 on if he's about to wake up strapped into a chair at any given point. anything is possible. it's a wildcard. ]
no subject
he wonders if he could disappear into this scummy city before poe found him again, if he books it out the door fast enough. he wonders if there's a first order outpost somewhere that he can just-- if they do recondition him again, if he walks away from this... this thing that's found him, and asks them to make it stop, if he makes a choice and decides he doesn't want this--
he wonders if living and choosing are supposed to hurt all the time or if that's something they forced into him when they scrubbed out the rest. whatever the rest used to be. whoever. finn takes a few good quiet moments to zone out about it. he wants to say there isn't anything poe can do to make that happen. he wants to say there is but he doesn't know what the way is yet. but those are dumb options. ]
At this point?
[ dissociating is the real mood when you can't deal with this shit. ]
I'm not even sure if I trust that you're real half the time.
[ like it's 50/50 on if he's about to wake up strapped into a chair at any given point. anything is possible. it's a wildcard. ]