[look, he's been trying really hard to be pollyanna sunshine in the face of all of finn's meltdowns, but he's tired. it's been a long day. there's been crying, drama, almost dying, sketchy diners, ptsd for everyone. you know, a standard craziest of crazies.
so yeah, he falters a little. he slides back into his natural state when people are aggressive towards him, which is to just ... be aggressive back.
maybe because the last part dug in a little too deep. the "apparently it happened the first time." like he hasn't spent enough time ruminating on that. like maybe this whole thing wasn't trying to make up for something he held himself responsible for despite there being nothing he could've done. nothing he could've done at the time, but he can do it now. most of his mistakes weren't reparable. he couldn't duct tape the bomber fleet back together, but he could save finn. even if nobody believed he could or even actually wanted him to.
maybe it was more to ??assuage his guilt?? than to save finn? he loved finn, he'd wanted finn to be okay. he stubbornly believed that he'd be okay right until he was face to face with him and saw that he wasn't. it was what leia knew when she vetoed his plan but wouldn't flat-out say. he couldn't save finn, because there was nothing left to save.
and if he knew that on some level and still did it anyway, despite the serious levels of denial going on here ... maybe it'd all just been for himself.
it's at this point that he realizes he's not a great leader, not a great person, and maybe he should stick to staying awol because he can't keep his emotions in check.
like now. not keeping them in check right now.]
I'm not going to let it happen again!! You don't know — I wish I could've stopped it the first time, okay? But I wasn't there. I couldn't do anything because I wasn't there. And I'm trying to — I'm not going to let it happen again. It's not gonna happen again, because I'm here, and I'll fight every single person in the First Order if that's what it takes. I don't care.
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so yeah, he falters a little. he slides back into his natural state when people are aggressive towards him, which is to just ... be aggressive back.
maybe because the last part dug in a little too deep. the "apparently it happened the first time." like he hasn't spent enough time ruminating on that. like maybe this whole thing wasn't trying to make up for something he held himself responsible for despite there being nothing he could've done. nothing he could've done at the time, but he can do it now. most of his mistakes weren't reparable. he couldn't duct tape the bomber fleet back together, but he could save finn. even if nobody believed he could or even actually wanted him to.
maybe it was more to ??assuage his guilt?? than to save finn? he loved finn, he'd wanted finn to be okay. he stubbornly believed that he'd be okay right until he was face to face with him and saw that he wasn't. it was what leia knew when she vetoed his plan but wouldn't flat-out say. he couldn't save finn, because there was nothing left to save.
and if he knew that on some level and still did it anyway, despite the serious levels of denial going on here ... maybe it'd all just been for himself.
it's at this point that he realizes he's not a great leader, not a great person, and maybe he should stick to staying awol because he can't keep his emotions in check.
like now. not keeping them in check right now.]
I'm not going to let it happen again!! You don't know — I wish I could've stopped it the first time, okay? But I wasn't there. I couldn't do anything because I wasn't there. And I'm trying to — I'm not going to let it happen again. It's not gonna happen again, because I'm here, and I'll fight every single person in the First Order if that's what it takes. I don't care.