[ depression and anxiety, separate yet together in their desolate giving-up.
finn doesn't really know what to do with this wealth of "there is no plan, exactly, do what you want i guess," in his life when he can be bothered to think about it. what he ends up doing with it is, as previously established, mostly nothing. he's resting at a very high percentage rate of sitting in junk and mentally tuning into white noise. concept of time who? he's not even here he doesn't know her.
he doesn't think he used to do that. he knows he didn't used to do that. he was-- he was focused. he learned fast, he was good at everything he learned, he could think.
why can't he think anymore? why isn't he allowed? it's like trying to do math in a dream. the numbers switch out every time he thinks he's onto something. things slip away from him.
finn ends up going up a few levels with a certain level of resignation for it as his best option. poe still had a better plan for getting back to the first order than him and poe spent all that time and effort trying to accomplish the opposite. jeez. go up a few levels, cause a ruckus. go back to the first order. the first order isn't a home. for anyone. but it's what he knows, and it's where he should be. and if they ask where poe is, he can say he doesn't know, and he'll be telling the truth.
and when they pull out the last place he knows poe was, if they want it that badly, hopefully poe will be somewhere else.
he almost does it. not much in a ruckus capacity, admittedly, but it's true you can find a thread of the first order anywhere if you look in the right places. he knows the first order. he knows how to get the attention.
he gets into prime position. like, now walk up to a stormtrooper and hold your wrists out for the cuffs prime, on levels of guaranteed arrest rates. it just doesn't... happen. he can't do it, is the problem.
that dumb part of his brain is back, small but sharp, the part that wouldn't shut up every time he looked poe dameron in the face. and it keeps saying this is wrong and you know it, and you can't say you don't want something just because you think you want it too much, that doesn't make you not want it. also literally nothing in this galaxy terrifies you more than what you're actively about to do to yourself so why are you doing it? is his conscience him or bb-8 tbh.
and it gets a little clearer against the staticky majority saying that none of this is about what he actually wants. lasts long enough for him to lose his chance. loud enough that he doesn't try again. and he uhh he hates himself for that one. a lot. it's not a graceful breakdown. he doesn't remember much of it. that's cool. he would rather not remember.
finn finds his way back down a few levels again. which he also doesn't remember much of. so he hits his wander around in the garbage bullshit again for a while to do a little soul searching. he doesn't not want to be here. that's better direction than he's had in his entire recent memory. it's no "where we belong" deleted scene but i mean. he. maybe. misses poe. a lot. he probably shouldn't but shit, why not go wholesale now that he's not trying to pretend he doesn't want things ig. he misses poe. for reasons. he wants to see him again. that's a tether he can tie himself to for functioning purposes.
it takes a while to find the ship. that's a chunk of mia time accounted for right there. when he does, he can't really make himself knock. its schrodinger's ally. maybe poe will be there. maybe not. maybe poe will be okay with seeing him. maybe that bridge is burned and the "i'll be here" was sarcastic, because everything is conditional and it's easy to hit the limit. maybe poe actually isn't real? he's putting less eggs in that basket than he was the other day. maybe poe IS REAL, brain. plot twist.
anyway finn sits himself down right next to the ship and pulls his knees up like a serious professional and just kinda. hangs. it's the least stealthy maneuver in the world. regular brain: knock and call out and get your status figured out asap so you can know if you have a person willing to let you stay or if you're waiting for death in the trash like you probably deserve (even though you can't actually justify why you think you deserve it). galaxy brain: I'm Scared And Do Not Want To, Maybe BB-8 Will Roll Out And Pass A Message If Anyone's Here.
he also just realized he doesn't have his blaster anymore and he doesn't know why so he's like. ??? about that for a while. it takes up a disproportionate amount of his brainpower for something he can't remember. he is almost positive he had a blaster in the first place. he's pretty sure that was a real thing.
if poe or their droid son don't have aims to come out for another skittles run/duct-taping, finn will eventually work his way through 4 consecutive "almost knocks and then doesn't"s until he finally just Does It and knocks. he's here to get the band back together. after forty billion words. ]
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finn doesn't really know what to do with this wealth of "there is no plan, exactly, do what you want i guess," in his life when he can be bothered to think about it. what he ends up doing with it is, as previously established, mostly nothing. he's resting at a very high percentage rate of sitting in junk and mentally tuning into white noise. concept of time who? he's not even here he doesn't know her.
he doesn't think he used to do that. he knows he didn't used to do that. he was-- he was focused. he learned fast, he was good at everything he learned, he could think.
why can't he think anymore? why isn't he allowed? it's like trying to do math in a dream. the numbers switch out every time he thinks he's onto something. things slip away from him.
finn ends up going up a few levels with a certain level of resignation for it as his best option. poe still had a better plan for getting back to the first order than him and poe spent all that time and effort trying to accomplish the opposite. jeez. go up a few levels, cause a ruckus. go back to the first order. the first order isn't a home. for anyone. but it's what he knows, and it's where he should be. and if they ask where poe is, he can say he doesn't know, and he'll be telling the truth.
and when they pull out the last place he knows poe was, if they want it that badly, hopefully poe will be somewhere else.
he almost does it. not much in a ruckus capacity, admittedly, but it's true you can find a thread of the first order anywhere if you look in the right places. he knows the first order. he knows how to get the attention.
he gets into prime position. like, now walk up to a stormtrooper and hold your wrists out for the cuffs prime, on levels of guaranteed arrest rates. it just doesn't... happen. he can't do it, is the problem.
that dumb part of his brain is back, small but sharp, the part that wouldn't shut up every time he looked poe dameron in the face. and it keeps saying this is wrong and you know it, and you can't say you don't want something just because you think you want it too much, that doesn't make you not want it. also literally nothing in this galaxy terrifies you more than what you're actively about to do to yourself so why are you doing it? is his conscience him or bb-8 tbh.
and it gets a little clearer against the staticky majority saying that none of this is about what he actually wants. lasts long enough for him to lose his chance. loud enough that he doesn't try again. and he uhh he hates himself for that one. a lot. it's not a graceful breakdown. he doesn't remember much of it. that's cool. he would rather not remember.
finn finds his way back down a few levels again. which he also doesn't remember much of. so he hits his wander around in the garbage bullshit again for a while to do a little soul searching. he doesn't not want to be here. that's better direction than he's had in his entire recent memory. it's no "where we belong" deleted scene but i mean. he. maybe. misses poe. a lot. he probably shouldn't but shit, why not go wholesale now that he's not trying to pretend he doesn't want things ig. he misses poe. for reasons. he wants to see him again. that's a tether he can tie himself to for functioning purposes.
it takes a while to find the ship. that's a chunk of mia time accounted for right there. when he does, he can't really make himself knock. its schrodinger's ally. maybe poe will be there. maybe not. maybe poe will be okay with seeing him. maybe that bridge is burned and the "i'll be here" was sarcastic, because everything is conditional and it's easy to hit the limit. maybe poe actually isn't real? he's putting less eggs in that basket than he was the other day. maybe poe IS REAL, brain. plot twist.
anyway finn sits himself down right next to the ship and pulls his knees up like a serious professional and just kinda. hangs. it's the least stealthy maneuver in the world. regular brain: knock and call out and get your status figured out asap so you can know if you have a person willing to let you stay or if you're waiting for death in the trash like you probably deserve (even though you can't actually justify why you think you deserve it). galaxy brain: I'm Scared And Do Not Want To, Maybe BB-8 Will Roll Out And Pass A Message If Anyone's Here.
he also just realized he doesn't have his blaster anymore and he doesn't know why so he's like. ??? about that for a while. it takes up a disproportionate amount of his brainpower for something he can't remember. he is almost positive he had a blaster in the first place. he's pretty sure that was a real thing.
if poe or their droid son don't have aims to come out for another skittles run/duct-taping, finn will eventually work his way through 4 consecutive "almost knocks and then doesn't"s until he finally just Does It and knocks. he's here to get the band back together. after forty billion words. ]