followhim: (who keeps your flame)
actual 100 emoji ([personal profile] followhim) wrote 2018-06-22 03:22 am (UTC)

[ he stands, not feeling too happy about it. his knees ache, but he doesn't want to bring undue attention to the fact that he literally jizzed his pants. (can't wait to shower that away. maybe he can try to wash his pants out in the shower, too, because he definitely isn't about to ask about laundry.)

he doesn't dignify anything else she says with a response as he's carted away. he's still trying to mull his situation over (and working through exhaustion to do it.) it wasn't that bad, was it? to enter that stage of reasoning with himself felt like some kind of defeat, but he sure is doing it.

he goes through some kind of mental recap — she spared bb-8. hux was the one who roughed him up, and even that was no worse than a bar fight. she moved him and made him act against his will. she made him have sex with her and disguised it as a choice.

the control was the worst thing, even though it didn't hold a candle to what she'd done when she dug through his mind on the finalizer. it was a stone's throw away from all the other things she's threatened him with. erasing his memories, taking away his every whim. all those things she said. the rewiring was scarier than any physical torture — that at least he felt like he could withstand. he wouldn't like it, but he could still be himself while doing it.

there is literally no better time to take a shower and then go to sleep to escape all these thoughts. who has time to plan an escape when you just want to go to sleep. ]

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