[ he doesn't believe that. he doesn't believe any of that. things that just happen just happen. things that people do to other people only have a reason if the person doing it has a reason.
he thinks he almost believes that things come around, that people get what they deserve. but if he believed that all the way, he wouldn't think he doesn't deserve any of this. he wouldn't be occasionally reaching up to hold a ring to try to convince himself he's really here. he'd be trying to figure out how he managed it, maybe. to accept it. like poe said.
it doesn't hurt less. he's just learning how to carry it until he doesn't have to anymore.
... he doesn't want to try to take that belief from poe. sure, he could ball up all his fear and confusion and frustration, all those things he shouldn't be feeling in the first place, and force them out through different vents. turn them into something sharp and painful to hold. he could aim his sights right now, argue back, try to shoot the sentiment down and crush it beneath his heel, even though he knows it probably wouldn't take.
he could've decided not to go easy on slip in that last melee training. he could've shot the miners on his last deployment. there are a lot of things he could do or could have done. he doesn't want to.
what's the point hurting something that either has no chance or wouldn't even try to hurt you back? maybe that makes him a bad soldier.
maybe this one time, there's really no one watching him for a slip-up, and he's allowed to admit to not wanting to hurt someone. even to himself. to admit that he just feels tired. ]
Am I the one getting reminded or am I supposed to be the reminder?
[ maybe this one time he can, in a roundabout way, at least acknowledge that what happened to him is horrible no matter which way it gets sliced.
he doesn't think he wants to be someone's reminder. ]
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he thinks he almost believes that things come around, that people get what they deserve. but if he believed that all the way, he wouldn't think he doesn't deserve any of this. he wouldn't be occasionally reaching up to hold a ring to try to convince himself he's really here. he'd be trying to figure out how he managed it, maybe. to accept it. like poe said.
it doesn't hurt less. he's just learning how to carry it until he doesn't have to anymore.
... he doesn't want to try to take that belief from poe. sure, he could ball up all his fear and confusion and frustration, all those things he shouldn't be feeling in the first place, and force them out through different vents. turn them into something sharp and painful to hold. he could aim his sights right now, argue back, try to shoot the sentiment down and crush it beneath his heel, even though he knows it probably wouldn't take.
he could've decided not to go easy on slip in that last melee training. he could've shot the miners on his last deployment. there are a lot of things he could do or could have done. he doesn't want to.
what's the point hurting something that either has no chance or wouldn't even try to hurt you back? maybe that makes him a bad soldier.
maybe this one time, there's really no one watching him for a slip-up, and he's allowed to admit to not wanting to hurt someone. even to himself. to admit that he just feels tired. ]
Am I the one getting reminded or am I supposed to be the reminder?
[ maybe this one time he can, in a roundabout way, at least acknowledge that what happened to him is horrible no matter which way it gets sliced.
he doesn't think he wants to be someone's reminder. ]