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WISH LIST

★ my dark au kink:
+ being captured by the first order and subjected to reconditioning
+ trying to turn him back with the power of gay love and friendship (and possibly failing)
+ he was always a first order tie fighter pilot instead of winter soldiered
+ poe and finn first order murder squad (dynamics if they were both stormtroopers? running away together?)
+ ^ part b: the fam that gets captured and reconditioned together… stays…together…
+ Interesting Dynamics with kylo and hux from dark aus

★ finn stuff
+ what will they do after the war? romantic vacations? homesteading? sending finn's spit to space 23andme?
+ infinite escape reimagining/aus, stormpilot escape room reigning champions

★ rey stuff
+ relationship of convenience because they're both In Denial
+ sith princess rey aus where he tries to save her and/or she turns him

★ kylo stuff
+ infinite interrogating/torture room reimagining/aus
+ ^ part b: stockholm syndrome?
+ We Need to Talk about Leia

★ general
+ honestly anything regarding leia (esp processing grief post-tros)
+ talking about his sketchy spice runner past (possibly playing things taking place during that time in his life?)
+ ^ same for things taking place during academy/new republic tbh
+ i love aus. modern aus, vampire aus, a/b/o aus, let's au the entire world
+ i prefer m/m for poe but am good with most ships

kinks if ya nasty

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Thanks. [ he glances down at their hands, contemplating. mostly thinking about his mom. that's ... well, it's not having an existential crisis anymore, so that's kind of an improvement? but it also makes him sad. soft left turn into sadness. he's been alive much, much longer than the time he even had her in his life and it's still a loss he feels every day. he couldn't feel that about finn, not when he was right here beside him and holding his hand and letting him rest his head against his shoulder. this is why he couldn't just stop and accept things. he refuses. ]

My mom always believed that things happen for a reason. Even really horrible things. Sometimes horrible things have to happen around us, or to us, to help remind us of what's important. To keep the galaxy in balance. Because it is a good place, but sometimes ... we lose sight of things. But it comes back around. I believe that, too. It makes the bad things hurt a little less, sometimes.

[ he doesn't believe that. he doesn't believe any of that. things that just happen just happen. things that people do to other people only have a reason if the person doing it has a reason.

he thinks he almost believes that things come around, that people get what they deserve. but if he believed that all the way, he wouldn't think he doesn't deserve any of this. he wouldn't be occasionally reaching up to hold a ring to try to convince himself he's really here. he'd be trying to figure out how he managed it, maybe. to accept it. like poe said.

it doesn't hurt less. he's just learning how to carry it until he doesn't have to anymore.

... he doesn't want to try to take that belief from poe. sure, he could ball up all his fear and confusion and frustration, all those things he shouldn't be feeling in the first place, and force them out through different vents. turn them into something sharp and painful to hold. he could aim his sights right now, argue back, try to shoot the sentiment down and crush it beneath his heel, even though he knows it probably wouldn't take.

he could've decided not to go easy on slip in that last melee training. he could've shot the miners on his last deployment. there are a lot of things he could do or could have done. he doesn't want to.

what's the point hurting something that either has no chance or wouldn't even try to hurt you back? maybe that makes him a bad soldier.

maybe this one time, there's really no one watching him for a slip-up, and he's allowed to admit to not wanting to hurt someone. even to himself. to admit that he just feels tired. ]

Am I the one getting reminded or am I supposed to be the reminder?

[ maybe this one time he can, in a roundabout way, at least acknowledge that what happened to him is horrible no matter which way it gets sliced.

he doesn't think he wants to be someone's reminder. ]

[ poe is not a philosophical genius by any means, so the question sort of takes hold of him and shakes him sideways. he doesn't know how to parse it. is he supposed to say that everything happened to finn because he needed a reminder or is it supposed to be a reminder for him????

shara bey's words were words he said and believed and didn't spend too much time analyzing, even though he'd carried them around with him since childhood. the actual words weren't incredibly important; what was important for him was hanging on to the idea that the galaxy was a good place. that things would be better eventually. there would actually be an after the war, a time when he could stop fighting and live out whatever unrelated to the war dreams he'd had and he could be

with finn.

there's a part of him — a part of him he always tries to block out by focusing on other things — that whispers to him. it says that maybe this happened to finn … because of him. not literally because of something he'd done to finn, but because he'd made too many wrong choices and spilled too much resistance blood to deserve nice things in the galactic handout. he ignores it. it's too dark and he wants to be the light and he can't reconcile both.

he decides to just be honest, head lifting from finn's shoulder to get a better look at him. ]

I don't know. I don't know which one you're supposed to be. But I think … either way, whatever's coming next? It's gotta be better, 'cause it can't get much worse.

[ yeah, there's not really an ideal answer in either direction with this one. either way just sort of leaves finn thinking it's not very fair. either it's what he gets for something he did, which he could buy, he already bought that he got reconditioned because he did something to deserve it. because the universe decided he didn't learn something important enough, didn't do something good enough.

or it's something that happened to him because of something that had nothing to do with him at all. that makes him collateral for someone else's problems. he got raised to be collateral, sure. somehow it still doesn't sit well.

but hey. life's not fair. that's been well-established.

finn appreciates that poe doesn't try to pick one or the other. ]

Smart of you to leave a little room in case it does get worse first.

[he smiles, a slight, wry smile.]

Yeah, well, I know better than to set us up for failure by saying something like that.

[and then he will try to tackle philosophy, part two:]

I'm not — I wasn't trying to say you need to be one thing or the other. Don't — don't worry about that, it's not important. I just was trying to say that things get better. It'll balance out. It's all gonna balance out.

[ bless his commitment, quite frankly.

it seemed pretty important?? it seemed like sort of a cornerstone of this life view in general. finn is moderately suspicious that it probably still is.

but he's also starting to learn to anticipate that poe is usually trying to just-- say something nice or be nice. if he's faking, he's great at it. while finn may doubt the overall position of that philosophy and what it says about him, he's willing to very tentatively dip a finger into the believe-poe water for now, and to accept that it really wasn't what he was trying to say. ]

I know what you were trying to say. It's fine.

[it's at this point that poe is aware that he is doing the thing he always does, his fatal flaw — going too hard. can't have a chill conversation about literally anything. always has to keep going until the other person sees it his way and decides he's right. he was just trying to help finn, okay!! his heart was in the right place.

but maybe

sometimes

it's time to stop.]

Yeah? Good. I don't know if you've noticed this about me, but I have no idea when to stop talking. [or just stop, in general as a concept, really.] And this is a long ride, so ... lots of time for me to run my mouth. If you need me to shut up, I dunno, say so.

[ finn turns his head to look over at poe properly. ]

I figured you knew when you should stop. Just thought you didn't like it quiet.

[ some people aren't into silence. even the kind that gets a little filled in by background noise. he's fine with background noise, but he's mostly been thinking poe needs a more. active approach or something?

he can change his personal note on it. poe might need help keeping his foot out of his well-meaning mouth. ]

I don't.

[not right now anyway. ... or actually, maybe not ever. he did spend a lot of time alone in his x-wing just talking to bb-8. he's just a lot, okay.]

It's because I'm stressed out. I can't stop talking because I'm stressed out. [not wrong.] That's all.

[ that's fair. that's a fair problem to have. ]

Not sure I can help you with that.

[ he's pretty sure that at several key points he has in fact contributed more stress to poe's stress load. he has no idea how to make himself stop doing that. it always bubbles up around his best efforts to completely suppress and internalize it, sometimes in a nice high-pressure complete meltdown.

he can't even handle his own bullshit enough to stop it from stacking onto poe's bullshit. this is a mess. he wishes he could. ]

Sorry.

It's okay.

[and it really is. he knows he can't depend on finn to help him deal with his bullshit right now. they both have large amounts of bullshit that need attending to. he's not expecting finn to take on any of his when he has his own. it's all cool. just two cool bros sitting on a train trying not to have meltdowns.

maybe the solution is just ... for him not to talk about himself. for five seconds. it's a bold strategy, cotton.]

What was it like? Before, being a stormtrooper. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, I just wanna ... get to know you. What it was like. Did you have ... friends, or ... ?

[ i wish cotton, ancient guide, would answer his cohort. maybe someday he'll awaken when he sees a bold enough strategy.

poe wants to get to know him. it doesn't sound fake. maybe kinda like a road to disappointment. finn can't hold it against him, though, that's the kind of thing people presumably Do In Real Life. they get to know each other. he's been sitting here getting to know poe literally this very day.

it's the way poe goes out of his way to say he doesn't have to that makes him willing to answer. he could say no if he wanted and it would matter that he did. some tiny part of him latches onto that concept every time it can, like metal shavings to a magnet. ]

A real stormtrooper is the extension of the Supreme Leader's will, [ he says by rote, bc god knows he's a little fresh off that metaphorical train rn. ] Nothing less.

[ nothing more, part of him says. ]

We have teams. Units. Orders to follow, duty rotations. No personal loyalties. Not that we should want any. [ or need them, or whatever. and then he hesitates. because it's hard to get the words out and make himself admit it, even though it's true, but he still feels like he wants to try. ]

I had a team. Before. Sometimes I would think of them as-- [ okay yeah, that's harder than he thought. he doesn't think he's ever said it out loud. that he thought of them as friends. nines and zeroes. and slip. finn shakes his head, keeps his eyes forward. ]

They weren't. We weren't.

[ maybe that's where he started going wrong. maybe that's the thing that sparked until the mining colony made it flare, until he spiraled out and around and into this somehow. ]

[he listens intently, brow creasing a little bit. none of this is ... really a surprise at first, so it's not that much to take in.

until finn starts talking about his team, and stumbles over the words. that's what's hard for him to process. that's what grips him. that's — how can the first order think that's a good idea? i mean, how can the first order think taking children and brainwashing them to be soldiers is a good idea, but also: this???

he moves to put an arm around finn's shoulders. leveling up in supportiveness.]

That's — I'm a commander, with the Resistance. Was a commander, whatever. [won't specify if that's because he's leaving or because he was demoted because don't worry about it 🙃 ] I had my own squadron, and they were absolutely my closest friends. They were practically my family. When you're working as a team, I think it's really important that you know and trust your teammates. So you can anticipate how they're gonna react to certain things. Support them when they need it. That's when you're at your strongest as a team.

I'm just trying to say, I'm sorry you didn't have that.

[ is poe dameron trying to make him cry again 2k18??? unfair. ]

It's fine. I think I tried that for a while.

[ a team's only as strong as its weakest link. he argued for it. thought it meant reaching out, covering what someone else couldn't manage, supporting. he tried until he wasn't allowed to try anymore.

it hurts in spite of that. it still sits wrong. it shouldn't. ]

I don't know what happened to them. I don't remember. Pretty sure that's a bad sign.

[well poe isn't going to be the one to be like "i'm sure they're fine sweetie." because ... yeah. that stormtrooper life. doesn't even know he's the one who killed slip like sorry for kickstarting your moral crisis. but you know what. it's fine.]

I'm sorry. [again.] I know I must've said it more than enough now, but ... you can trust me. We're a team. I've got your back.

[ he's glad poe didn't try to be that guy. like, if poe went in for that, he'd have no choice but to be a debbie downer out loud about it, and he doesn't wanna have a "say it. out loud. they're almost definitely probably dead." moment.

well, he would have a choice. to not say that. he would say it though. false hope is a broad waste. ]

Sure.

[ he fits in better with poe and bb-8 in a day than he ever fit with the other cadets. probably also a bad sign. finn is starting to burn out on tallying up all the shit he thinks he shouldn't be doing or feeling or having, though. there's not much point bothering. something else is just gonna line up each time. he doesn't have a bottomless well of self hatred to spend on it. just like he doesn't have a bottomless well of vulnerability. (finn you literally sat on the ground and cried first thing???) ]

There's not much else to it. Train, follow orders. I still used to be one of the best ones they turned out. [ and he can say that with the certainty of someone who just knows it's true. same way everyone knew slip slipped up. fn-2187 was better. ]

[ he could definitely see that, if nothing else. from what he'd seen, finn was great at ... well basically everything. not just the best person but also pretty good at combat things. (remember the time he blew up a lot of shit in the tie fighter ths first time??? pepperidge farm remembers. aka poe. finn being like DID YOU SEE THAT when he's like yeah chill i'm already in love with you.) not that poe's biased or anything.]

I think you're still the best. [fuckin gay.] But sometimes ... [he remembers that he might have a Relatable Story.] You know I left the New Republic? It wasn't that I left so much as I narrowly avoided being discharged. Sometimes following orders isn't worth it if you know that they're wrong.

[sometimes following orders isn't worth it if you know that they're wrong: the title of poe's autobiography]

[ poe is so done for. he cannot possibly survive how strong his (biased) gay feelings are.

something about that sentiment rings true. finn lets it rattle around while simultaneously trying not to. ]

If you can't trust your orders, you probably should get discharged. [ says finn, a hypocrite who can literally still remember his part of the before the awakening novel?? the first order doesn't discharge tho, he's gonna call these two duck looking things different ducks. ] Better off not being there.

I don't disagree with that. [ he snorts, but also ... why would you do that when you could be a giant drama queen and lead a mutiny??? jk, that was mostly for distraction's sake. not that he wasn't feelin' it, tho ... okay, maybe it was 90/10. but you know what, that's another story for another time. maybe in like ten minutes or something. now we're just going to focus on the one story. maybe finn doesn't want it, but poe talked to himself in the desert for five million years, look at him go with a captive audience.]

My squadron kept running into First Order ships when we were patrolling. I lost a member of my squadron to a First Order freighter, and the Republic still wouldn't take them seriously as a threat. I got a direct command not to provoke the First Order. They actually threatened me with charges if I went after the freighter that got my teammate. But, I can't ... I can't just ignore something like that. [he shakes his head.] It's not right.

So I didn't. I took my squadron out on patrol where we just happened to run into the freighter ... and followed it right into a staging point. [he actually laughs a little at the memory — a small chuckle — because there's enough distance now for him to appreciate how ludicrous his life is.] We barely got out, and I was gonna be served with a court martial. General Organa ended up recruiting me for the Resistance, so I decided to go where people actually cared about what's happening to the galaxy. Resigned before they could discharge me, basically. It wasn't looking good.

[ in spite of all his conscious efforts...... the corners of finn's mouth twitch up. not for the story, strictly speaking, because it's kind of a sobering story?

more because there poe goes talking again. no reservations. there he go. here stories a special man. a man who went against direct orders and left before he could get court martialed.

maybe he should think that's a coward move. he can't commit to the motion though. ]

Everybody cares about what's happening to the galaxy. Just not all from the same direction.

[ it's not too surprising to hear that the new republic took that stance on it. chaotic and complacent, that was sort of the Mood during the mandatory morale sessions against them. ]

Some people care more than others. Some people think as long as nothing's happening directly to them, it's okay to just stand by and see what happens. Don't wanna make a move until it's too late. [he shakes his head.] I could never be like that. I'm just not wired that way.

[ he huffs. ]

I never would've guessed.

[ poe dameron, unable to sit still? prone to doing reckless impulsive shit like breaking a single stormtrooper out of a huge well-staffed ship?? sounds fake can't be realistic. finn will try to think of that fondly when he wakes up for his half-asleep 3am cry later. ]

There are stormtroopers who think the same way. It's what they tell us we're here for. Taking action. Protecting the galaxy.

[ they go light on the fact that they're fascist villains. ]

[ mmm that moment when you gotta think about how there are people just like you on the other side. like, obviously. he knows finn is a person. he knows how stormtroopers are made. from ... people. he gets that part of the picture enough but maybe he is missing out on seeing the forest for the trees??? like there's gotta be some jackass stormtrooper who's just as turn down for what as everything about him —

oh wait that's the one SITTING NEXT TO HIM RIGHT NOW. or at least, it was. but no maybe there's one who's like him and finn except turning down for what ... for evil.]

I guess everyone's the hero in their own story.

[philosophical genius poe dameron.]

Some of the stuff we do ... some of the stuff we've been through, it's hard to justify it if you don't think you're the one in the right.

[hell he always thinks he's the one in the right and he's still constantly on the run from guilty thoughts from accidentally murdering like half the resistance with his good intentions and refusal to quit. those guilty thoughts will never catch him. nope.

but then there's the obvious: stormtroopers would only think that way because they're being brainwashed to think it. by sociopathic space nazis. that's cool.]

[ turning down for what... for evil. i mean, it's not wrong.

everything was so much less complicated yesterday when he had no idea what was happening or if he was waiting for death. now everyone is the hero in their own story and thinking about justifying what they do. is that how people think? is that how people understand it?

he doesn't think about the negotiators in the mining colony.

that's a lie. he does. he thinks about it instantly, and "it's hard to justify it if you don't think you're the one in the right" sticks itself to the memory like a fresh coat of paint. shifts the world off-track, leaves behind the feeling of living a foot to the left of himself.

reaching up to run his thumb over the edges of the ring, finn thinks-- something was wrong, there, and he only really has the authority to decide that what was wrong was him. just something inside him, too big for the first order, too small for anywhere else, no idea how to make it break down into something that could just fit and work.

he was the only one who couldn't fit. ]

You're probably right.

[ he still can't justify it. he doesn't think he'll ever be able to. maybe he was never supposed to even think about justifying it, and he was just supposed to pull the trigger and move on.

so poe probably is right about this. it doesn't seem like too horrible a betrayal to acknowledge that. ]

[hux is probably the closest equivalent that we know of. he's very turn down for what for evil. search your feelings, you know it to be true.

he watches finn when he doesn't respond right away, watches him ... mull something over? it's hard to tell. he doesn't want to press. it's like walking on eggshells, one wrong move and this calm they have going currently could break away into another meltdown. they're talking about heavy stuff ... he probably struck a chord. he knows. he struck his own damn chord.

but he wants to know re: finn. because he cares. can he make it better? probably not. but at least he could have the opportunity to try.]

You okay? Thought I lost you for a second there.

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