[ he can't even feel relief when she retreats from his mind, because a: he let the resistance down again (despite the knowledge that almost anybody else would have been just as unable to fight as he was) and b: kylo was immediately giving that information to hux. whatever brief shreds of security and secrecy they'd had were gone now.
seeing it coming and knowing how it would feel did just as much the third time as it had the second time — nothing. in fact, it made it worse. ]
You won't. You won't kill them.
[ if he said the words, he could will them into reality. maybe they stood a chance; they had rey. he could pin all his hopes and dreams onto rey. it was better than the other option, which was accepting that they stood no chance at all.
the numbers were bad. after the transportation to the raddus, he knew there were about 400 resistance members left. whittling that number down after the people they lost since then, after people they kept losing ... it was a little more than 100. maybe. of them, the "people he's so desperate to protect" are going to be at the forefront of his mind, obviously. his droid, who counts as a person to him for some reason. the person who saved his life who he was harboring some kind of unrequited crush on (finn). the last jedi (rey). the remainder of his squadron (jess pava and snap wexley). people who were in the resistance, who were simply his friends (c'ai threnalli and kaydel connix).
and then, of course, there was leia. the hero worship that bordered on unhealthy. the way he basically saw her as a second mother. he was willing to do anything for her, to protect her vision of the resistance. even if there came a time when no one else believed, she would still have him. he tries hardest to shove that one down, desperate to protect her. desperate to protect her and feeling ashamed that he had failed her. again. and, unlike last time, he wasn't so sure he'd get a chance to come back and apologize. ]
no subject
seeing it coming and knowing how it would feel did just as much the third time as it had the second time — nothing. in fact, it made it worse. ]
You won't. You won't kill them.
[ if he said the words, he could will them into reality. maybe they stood a chance; they had rey. he could pin all his hopes and dreams onto rey. it was better than the other option, which was accepting that they stood no chance at all.
the numbers were bad. after the transportation to the raddus, he knew there were about 400 resistance members left. whittling that number down after the people they lost since then, after people they kept losing ... it was a little more than 100. maybe. of them, the "people he's so desperate to protect" are going to be at the forefront of his mind, obviously. his droid, who counts as a person to him for some reason. the person who saved his life who he was harboring some kind of unrequited crush on (finn). the last jedi (rey). the remainder of his squadron (jess pava and snap wexley). people who were in the resistance, who were simply his friends (c'ai threnalli and kaydel connix).
and then, of course, there was leia. the hero worship that bordered on unhealthy. the way he basically saw her as a second mother. he was willing to do anything for her, to protect her vision of the resistance. even if there came a time when no one else believed, she would still have him. he tries hardest to shove that one down, desperate to protect her. desperate to protect her and feeling ashamed that he had failed her. again. and, unlike last time, he wasn't so sure he'd get a chance to come back and apologize. ]