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[followhim]

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WISH LIST

★ my dark au kink:
+ being captured by the first order and subjected to reconditioning
+ trying to turn him back with the power of gay love and friendship (and possibly failing)
+ he was always a first order tie fighter pilot instead of winter soldiered
+ poe and finn first order murder squad (dynamics if they were both stormtroopers? running away together?)
+ ^ part b: the fam that gets captured and reconditioned together… stays…together…
+ Interesting Dynamics with kylo and hux from dark aus


★ finn stuff
+ what will they do after the war? romantic vacations? homesteading? sending finn's spit to space 23andme?
+ infinite escape reimagining/aus, stormpilot escape room reigning champions

★ rey stuff
+ relationship of convenience because they're both In Denial
+ sith princess rey aus where he tries to save her and/or she turns him

★ kylo stuff
+ infinite interrogating/torture room reimagining/aus
+ ^ part b: stockholm syndrome?
+ We Need to Talk about Leia


★ general
+ honestly anything regarding leia (esp processing grief post-tros)
+ talking about his sketchy spice runner past (possibly playing things taking place during that time in his life?)
+ ^ same for things taking place during academy/new republic tbh
+ i love aus. modern aus, vampire aus, a/b/o aus, let's au the entire world
+ i prefer m/m for poe but am good with most ships

kinks if ya nasty

Comments

[bythehand]

[ god, finally. success. he wins at being really gay, even if just for a moment.

they're gonna get a lot of practice in before they polish these off as wedding vows or whatever. finn keeps a straight face for all of half a second in his triumph and then he basically grins ear to ear because 1) he's a little shit sometimes and 2) he just really loves poe. this is terrible. rose is never gonna let him hear the end of it bc he's gonna look like a big sap every time poe looks at him. ]

Yeah? I've been trying for good.

[bythehand]

[ he'd rather be in the same shitty boat with someone else whose life is falling apart than a boat of any quality with someone trying to insist that their life is not a disaster. there are very few things that bring him comfort. almost nothing, logistically.

damn if it isn't sometimes nice to hear that he's not the only confused and overall horrified person in this situation right now. it's not just him. maybe that should make him more anxious and jittery bc of what it says for their odds of successfully doing anything, but like. he hasn't felt relieved about jack crap in a long, long time, he thinks, maybe. he wants to hold onto that for a while before he hates it. ]

Don't make promises into a bad habit. I know that much.

[ but fine good. he can eat his sandwich. this food that tastes like food, and not basically high-nutrient chalk dust delivered to his cell in pre-sealed packaging to prove it's not tampered with. like a normal human person who just eats regular food all the time. reasonably. he will restrain himself from gunning it like he got into the mess hall with only 5 minutes left to get a meal down. he is calm and definitely not feeling any small spikes of paranoia about poison that he has to combat with "you already slammed the caf anyway idiot if you're poisoned it must be that you're fuckin immune to it".

leave him alone to pretend he's a normal man who stares down his dates like they're an unsolvable riddle. ]

[followhim]

[he tries to eat without also surreptitiously sneaking looks at finn eating like. wow. he loves food so much. he doesn't know what stormtroopers actually get to eat but now he's assuming that it's awful. what if we just went on adventures everywhere trying different food, that would be really cool and exciting and finn would really like it. you're not going to make your own food travel show, poe dameron.

after he's eaten enough to feel mostly human again, his brain backtracks to "what was that promise thing finn was talking about???" the only promise he made explicitly with the p-word was that nothing was going to happen to finn. which sort of fits all the other promise-type statements he's made, he guesses. it's sort of delayed, but:]

I wouldn't make a promise if I didn't think I could keep it. I know that much.

[followhim]

[poe's not pressed okay, look, that's what he's talking about. meteor shower. (he's not going to be able to look at him without looking stupid as hell either. the entire resistance is gonna laugh at them.) he rolls back on top of him. not dying today. also, it was cold not pressed against finn and he's not about it. ]

Trying and succeeding. I'm glad I decided not to die now.

[bythehand]

[ i would like to say finn has a cool response to that but he can't think of an argument?? he just wants to be like OKAY BUT YOU DON'T KNOW. YOU DON'T KNOW AND YOU CAN'T PROMISE SHIT!!

but it doesn't accomplish anything to do that because poe will just be like "I CAN SO AND I DO SO AND I GUESS IM WILLING TO UPROOT MY ENTIRE LIFE FOR YOU FOR SOME REASON AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO STOP OR QUIT ANYTHING. ALSO WE SHOULD HAVE A SPACE FOOD NETWORK SHOW".

finn has more than enough zest for sabotaging his own life and only current friendship with some food and caffeine in his system but god. poe makes it really hard to either vaguely want or expect to die at any given impetus.

the one situation where it would probably be good to give up and comply without prompting and he can't even be hassled to make himself. ugh. this is bulldonk. he can't win. can't quit, can't figure out how to win arguing with him. can't not like him.

finn just narrows his eyes at poe accusingly and takes another drink of coffee. ]

[followhim]

[yeah that's all pretty on-brand for poe tbh. down to the space food network show.

also: arguing with poe dameron is a huge mistake in general. he will argue with anyone about anything at length for hours until he wins because the other person has withered away and died in the process. good thing finn figured that out and gave up before it was too late. (like there won't be five million other arguments probably? just in this day alone.)

poe raises his eyebrows at the face finn is making at him like really??? you wanna try me??? come at me bro time to learn just how non-stop i really am.]

What, you don't believe me? What can I do to get you to trust me? Is there anything? 'Cause I'll do it.

[bythehand]

[ oh good let him just get his arms around poe to prevent a quick repeat incident. precautions are very important. no takebacks. ]

Is that all it takes. [ he sounds like a GOTDANG SAP. ] Congratulations on your wise decision. Hope you're not that indecisive all the time.

[followhim]

Maybe I never planned on dying. [ he gets back into basically the same position he was before, using his good arm to hold himself over finn with the injured one against his chest in a less supportive capacity. and then he kisses him for the millionth time (gotta make up for all that lost time ... those weeks or however long), pulling back with a grin. ] It was a strategy to get you to confess to me. I'm actually brilliant, did you know that?

[being held was part of his strategy too. he's pleased with it. this is all part of his plan. that he made up just now.]

[bythehand]

[ he wonders how many times it's going to circle around to this. to these sort of base-level questions of "you don't believe me" and "what can i do to get you to trust me". he feels like there are gears in his head and something got wedged in there. like maybe he can force them a little further sometimes, but in the end they're still always gonna get so far and then crank backwards, because there's no forward.

he wonders if he could disappear into this scummy city before poe found him again, if he books it out the door fast enough. he wonders if there's a first order outpost somewhere that he can just-- if they do recondition him again, if he walks away from this... this thing that's found him, and asks them to make it stop, if he makes a choice and decides he doesn't want this--

he wonders if living and choosing are supposed to hurt all the time or if that's something they forced into him when they scrubbed out the rest. whatever the rest used to be. whoever. finn takes a few good quiet moments to zone out about it. he wants to say there isn't anything poe can do to make that happen. he wants to say there is but he doesn't know what the way is yet. but those are dumb options. ]

At this point?

[ dissociating is the real mood when you can't deal with this shit. ]

I'm not even sure if I trust that you're real half the time.

[ like it's 50/50 on if he's about to wake up strapped into a chair at any given point. anything is possible. it's a wildcard. ]

[followhim]

[ his expression falls. he'd gotten enough of the picture to piece that finn had been reconditioned, that he lost his memories of everything that had happened after he escaped, that he was kind of a nervous wreck, but it comes to him in waves just what all that means. how much of finn was affected. and it hurts. seeing the person he cares about more than anyone else in the entire galaxy in pain hurts.

furthermore, it makes him confront the idea that maybe ... this is just how finn is now. maybe he'd never remember anything, maybe he'd always be an anxious mess who wasn't sure what was even real or not.

while it rekindles his burning rage to destroy the entire first order with his bare hands somehow, it's a burning rage set on the backburner, because mostly the whole thing just breaks his heart.

but he'd never give up on finn, no matter what. if he never stopped being scared or disassociating, he would deal with it. they would deal with it together. he'd do whatever he could to help him. finn deserved that much. and that's what you do for people you love.

he goes for the face touch again. palm cupping his cheek. ]

I'm real, buddy. I'm real, this is real. It's all real. I'm Poe Dameron, I'm touching you, you're on Coruscant. Real.

[bythehand]

[ Don't make Finn laugh. It's too late, he's laughing. He flattens his hands against Poe's back and slides them up, mostly because he can. ]

I know you're smart. I'm not considering it related.

[bythehand]

Poe Dameron.

[ it suits him.

poe dameron is like trying to talk to a dream he maybe had ten years ago and forgot about. just something that happens, he guesses, all things considered. it feels like a name he should know. it feels like a name he already knew how to say. it feels like something that stood on the edge of his vision so long that it left an impression every time he blinks. he reaches up to put a hand over poe's without thinking. squeezes once, hard.

there might be good real things in the universe, good enough to be poe dameron, but he falls flat trying to figure out how anything that good could realistically wind up next to him. not unless it's to give him something exclusively to rip it back out.

because the first order is real. they're real and he did something that was enough to earn that from them. that's maybe the only thing he hasn't wondered about. ]

You know that's exactly what you'd say if it weren't.

[ it's not an accusation or even an argument. just kinda that "cheers bro, at least mildly better for the fact that u tried" vibe.

if he's sure one way half the time, then he's sure the other way the other half of the time. ]

[militarized]

[He notices, god he notices, and something goes cold in the pit of his stomach, freezing his insides and slowly spreading until he can barely move, speak or think. He just looks at the other man, trying to read his expression, trying to find some indication that he doesn't actually believe what he's saying, that he's just saying it for the sake of keeping the peace in this moment.

Finn isn't sure he sees it.

His eyes flick between Poe and Rey as he swallows back his dread, already created by the fact that Poe was here at all. Is this what he was left with? The shells of his friends, shadows of who they both used to be?

He grips Poe's hand tighter, as if that will fix things. Somehow.]

Right. [Show him around. Get him 'comfortable.' Make the world a better place. He'll believe it when it happens. In the meantime, all he can do is try to make things better here, piece by piece, until they do something to stop him, too if he goes too far.] We wouldn't want you to get lost or something.

[followhim]

[logically, he knows finn is going to shoot him down. because that's all he's been doing. brick wall. he's numbed himself to the impact of throwing himself against said brick wall for the most part. that makes it easier for him to just ... keep trying. over and over. indefinitely.

he racks his brain for something else. anything else he could do to help finn. to make things seem a little more real, to ground him in reality. there's not much he can do besides keep telling him that "this is real" over and over.

there is one thing. he has one other idea and it's A Lot. to him personally, at least. finn probably wouldn't pick up on it, but ...

well, some part of him knew he was always going to end up doing this anyway.]

What if I gave you something? That you could use to remind yourself that you're here. You could use it to ground yourself, you know? Let me just ...

[he takes his hand back (reluctantly) so he can use both his hands to take something off from around his neck. a simple silver chain, with a ring hooked through it. when he's done, he holds it out to finn.]

You could just ... touch it or something. If you feel like you're losing grip of things. I dunno how much it'll help, but ...

[followhim]

[he squeezes finn's hand in return, because he really does care about finn. that's a part of him that remains undiluted. one of very few. his love of finn and his belief in rey — but the latter is distorted. twisted around, reshaped to fit through the peg she'd been trying to shove it in. rey can save a galaxy that needed her, because it was broken and corrupt. he could help her.

both of them could help her. like before. ]

Yeah? I'm sure I'd figure it out sooner or later. I've got a good sense of direction.

[if they're not talking about anything remotely near the lane of rey's galactic discourse, it's almost like he's normal. he hits all the same beats poe dameron would have before, but ... but. there's something almost uncanny valley about it.]

[bythehand]

[ he's a disaster and he's gayer than initially anticipated. finn looks a little floored and he doesn't even know that this is like a huge deal, he just knows it's a thing happening.

poe won't stop giving him shit??? he just keeps turning out new things to give, wtf?? and he can't even be like what's your angle, poe will only become more sincere and powerful. he shakes his head a little. ]

It's yours.

[ it means something if he was already wearing it, right? ]

I don't... I don't wanna lose it.

[ for once. for ONCE. finn doesn't mean when the first order tears it off his neck and incinerates it or whatever. he just means like a normal fuckin thing a person might lose when they're a walking crisis.

he's already pretty sure he's far and removed from contributing balance or nice things in general to this partnership. he can't be the one who loses memories AND jewelry. ]

[followhim]

[it's true, trying to reject his dramatic overtures just adds fuel to his gay fire and his instinct to do The Most Dramatic Thing at any given moment. ]

Then don't. Necklaces are pretty hard to lose. And I trust you. I wanna give it to you, so just take it.

[he's still holding it out. just waiting for finn to take it. he will do this all day if he has to, tbh. it's not the romantic marriage proposal he expected to be having when he starting carrying his mom's ring around for however long, but since when has anything went the way he expected it to? literally never.]

[followhim]

[he's not not into it. but also, now that they've gotten in a whole lot of hella gay boyfriend moments, he's going to point out the obvious — ]

Was there a point to us getting undressed, or ...?

[bythehand]

[ shoutout to poe for the love-fueled boost of patience, bc it definitely takes finn a few seconds to amp up to this. there are a lot of wrong things going on here. way too much trust. way too much kind gesture.

he waffles hard on the "okay but this is way too good and kind to actually be real" line, and then part of his brain is like "you realize that the thing being offered to try to help you with this problem is in fact part of the situation you're having a problem with, and it can't help unless you actually try it". but in order to accomplish having this thing that might help, it means... accepting and then having a nice thing.

this is the de-proposaled-proposal equivalent of trying to tame a skittish horse by holding out an apple or something tbh.

when finn finally reaches out for it, he goes cautiously and with the exact air of someone expecting to have it immediately snatched back out of their hand. mostly because. part of him expects to have it immediately snatched out of his hand halfway through this transition. he's not proud of that. it just is what it is. he'd be surprised that poe did it, but not surprised that it happened.

when he does have it properly he just kinda sits there death-gripping it instead of putting it on just yet, simultaneously livin his experience like At What Point Does Poe Realize This Was A Bad Idea, It's Been Four Seconds Already. ]

[forcevisions]

[ a part of her remains reluctant to let poe out of her sight. to let finn out of her sight. they might try to escape. finn, more than poe. but if this is going to work, she'll have to eventually, and …

she knows it will hold. in her bones, she can feel it. the force telling her that this is safe and done, finally. she claps one hand on finn's arm, holding her smile. ]

I'll leave you to it, then. Come find me when you're done, and I'll show Poe his new quarters. The sooner we can get started, the better.

[bythehand]

[ not not into it, sold. ]

You were the one who started it. I just helped you finish it. [ and then you had a really mushy sincere feeling and faceplanted. ]

Still waiting for the point.

[ and you know what, if the point's not getting laid, that's life. but he's redirecting his hands to specifically at least cop a feel of the ass while he can. IS THAT A CRIME IN THIS GAY ECONOMY. ]

[followhim]

[had he expected this reaction from finn, the reaction where he holds the necklace in his fist and seems to be having some sort of internal crisis? well, no, but everything finn does is new and unexpected at this point, so you might say that he is ... expecting the unexpected. whatever, it just makes him that much more equipped to deal with any given meltdown. like saying things in a calm voice.]

Hey, c'mon, it's okay. Just breathe. It's okay. You're here, I'm real, this is real. Nothing bad is gonna happen to you.

[no idea if that'll help, he's just working from a composite of where most of finn's meltdowns seem to come from.]

[bythehand]

[ i relate to poe bc i too spend a lot of time thinking about how brave and kind and good finn is and all the good things he's done, only 2 come to this reality where he's a fucked up shell of the person he was becoming. that is a true angst content Mood.

he is waiting for something bad to happen. he's waiting to wake up. he's waiting to instantly lose this thing he's literally only just gotten that he's attached to anyway. mostly he thinks he's waiting for poe to stop being good. because obviously there has to be a point where he does something or accepts something and poe transmogrifies into snidely whiplash, i guess. or he thinks yeah man more work than it's worth right here.

finn squeezes his eyes shut and makes himself breathe through his nose like a calm adult, and the ring doesn't melt away into the ether so that's probably a good sign? it hurts a little, but that's a better sign. it's kind of like holding poe's hand only without worrying that he'll accidentally bruise bones or something. he has it and it's fine and it's in his hand and he's fine and poe is here and he has a droid and the caf is hot but a little weak. there's weird gum under the table.

shoutout to the space dennys for not vanishing into the ether while he tries to cooperate with poe's effort to help his crisis not evolve into a meltdown. ]

You could stand to be a lot less nice, Poe Dameron.

[followhim]

[he's a relatable pov in this clusterfuck, ok. he just wants finn to be better and he is trying his best. as a completely untrained non-psychological professional who is just hoping to break through with the power of gay love. it's a bold strategy, cotton, let's see if it pays off for him.]

I'm only this nice to you, I'll have you know.

[is that true? not exactly. he'd try to make friends with fuckin blades of grass, probably. but it sounds like a snappy thing to say so he says it. because that's how his mind works.

and maybe it is actually a little bit true, he would probably not go to these ridiculous lengths for any other person in the galaxy.]

Do you feel better? Do you think it's helping at all?

[followhim]

Yeah, yeah, I got distracted. [with the gravity of their gayness.] I can make it up to you.

[it must not be a crime, okay, because he grins and an exhales something like a single "ha". into it. he moves down, lowers, until his head is between finn's legs. baby's first bj. i can't believe i wrote this tag when i was half-asleep but i have nothing better to offer you so i'm hitting post now.]