followhim | open post

[ i would like to say finn has a cool response to that but he can't think of an argument?? he just wants to be like OKAY BUT YOU DON'T KNOW. YOU DON'T KNOW AND YOU CAN'T PROMISE SHIT!!

but it doesn't accomplish anything to do that because poe will just be like "I CAN SO AND I DO SO AND I GUESS IM WILLING TO UPROOT MY ENTIRE LIFE FOR YOU FOR SOME REASON AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO STOP OR QUIT ANYTHING. ALSO WE SHOULD HAVE A SPACE FOOD NETWORK SHOW".

finn has more than enough zest for sabotaging his own life and only current friendship with some food and caffeine in his system but god. poe makes it really hard to either vaguely want or expect to die at any given impetus.

the one situation where it would probably be good to give up and comply without prompting and he can't even be hassled to make himself. ugh. this is bulldonk. he can't win. can't quit, can't figure out how to win arguing with him. can't not like him.

finn just narrows his eyes at poe accusingly and takes another drink of coffee. ]

[yeah that's all pretty on-brand for poe tbh. down to the space food network show.

also: arguing with poe dameron is a huge mistake in general. he will argue with anyone about anything at length for hours until he wins because the other person has withered away and died in the process. good thing finn figured that out and gave up before it was too late. (like there won't be five million other arguments probably? just in this day alone.)

poe raises his eyebrows at the face finn is making at him like really??? you wanna try me??? come at me bro time to learn just how non-stop i really am.]

What, you don't believe me? What can I do to get you to trust me? Is there anything? 'Cause I'll do it.

[ he wonders how many times it's going to circle around to this. to these sort of base-level questions of "you don't believe me" and "what can i do to get you to trust me". he feels like there are gears in his head and something got wedged in there. like maybe he can force them a little further sometimes, but in the end they're still always gonna get so far and then crank backwards, because there's no forward.

he wonders if he could disappear into this scummy city before poe found him again, if he books it out the door fast enough. he wonders if there's a first order outpost somewhere that he can just-- if they do recondition him again, if he walks away from this... this thing that's found him, and asks them to make it stop, if he makes a choice and decides he doesn't want this--

he wonders if living and choosing are supposed to hurt all the time or if that's something they forced into him when they scrubbed out the rest. whatever the rest used to be. whoever. finn takes a few good quiet moments to zone out about it. he wants to say there isn't anything poe can do to make that happen. he wants to say there is but he doesn't know what the way is yet. but those are dumb options. ]

At this point?

[ dissociating is the real mood when you can't deal with this shit. ]

I'm not even sure if I trust that you're real half the time.

[ like it's 50/50 on if he's about to wake up strapped into a chair at any given point. anything is possible. it's a wildcard. ]

[ his expression falls. he'd gotten enough of the picture to piece that finn had been reconditioned, that he lost his memories of everything that had happened after he escaped, that he was kind of a nervous wreck, but it comes to him in waves just what all that means. how much of finn was affected. and it hurts. seeing the person he cares about more than anyone else in the entire galaxy in pain hurts.

furthermore, it makes him confront the idea that maybe ... this is just how finn is now. maybe he'd never remember anything, maybe he'd always be an anxious mess who wasn't sure what was even real or not.

while it rekindles his burning rage to destroy the entire first order with his bare hands somehow, it's a burning rage set on the backburner, because mostly the whole thing just breaks his heart.

but he'd never give up on finn, no matter what. if he never stopped being scared or disassociating, he would deal with it. they would deal with it together. he'd do whatever he could to help him. finn deserved that much. and that's what you do for people you love.

he goes for the face touch again. palm cupping his cheek. ]

I'm real, buddy. I'm real, this is real. It's all real. I'm Poe Dameron, I'm touching you, you're on Coruscant. Real.

Poe Dameron.

[ it suits him.

poe dameron is like trying to talk to a dream he maybe had ten years ago and forgot about. just something that happens, he guesses, all things considered. it feels like a name he should know. it feels like a name he already knew how to say. it feels like something that stood on the edge of his vision so long that it left an impression every time he blinks. he reaches up to put a hand over poe's without thinking. squeezes once, hard.

there might be good real things in the universe, good enough to be poe dameron, but he falls flat trying to figure out how anything that good could realistically wind up next to him. not unless it's to give him something exclusively to rip it back out.

because the first order is real. they're real and he did something that was enough to earn that from them. that's maybe the only thing he hasn't wondered about. ]

You know that's exactly what you'd say if it weren't.

[ it's not an accusation or even an argument. just kinda that "cheers bro, at least mildly better for the fact that u tried" vibe.

if he's sure one way half the time, then he's sure the other way the other half of the time. ]

[logically, he knows finn is going to shoot him down. because that's all he's been doing. brick wall. he's numbed himself to the impact of throwing himself against said brick wall for the most part. that makes it easier for him to just ... keep trying. over and over. indefinitely.

he racks his brain for something else. anything else he could do to help finn. to make things seem a little more real, to ground him in reality. there's not much he can do besides keep telling him that "this is real" over and over.

there is one thing. he has one other idea and it's A Lot. to him personally, at least. finn probably wouldn't pick up on it, but ...

well, some part of him knew he was always going to end up doing this anyway.]

What if I gave you something? That you could use to remind yourself that you're here. You could use it to ground yourself, you know? Let me just ...

[he takes his hand back (reluctantly) so he can use both his hands to take something off from around his neck. a simple silver chain, with a ring hooked through it. when he's done, he holds it out to finn.]

You could just ... touch it or something. If you feel like you're losing grip of things. I dunno how much it'll help, but ...

Edited (redundant writing smh) 2018-01-28 21:33 (UTC)

[ he's a disaster and he's gayer than initially anticipated. finn looks a little floored and he doesn't even know that this is like a huge deal, he just knows it's a thing happening.

poe won't stop giving him shit??? he just keeps turning out new things to give, wtf?? and he can't even be like what's your angle, poe will only become more sincere and powerful. he shakes his head a little. ]

It's yours.

[ it means something if he was already wearing it, right? ]

I don't... I don't wanna lose it.

[ for once. for ONCE. finn doesn't mean when the first order tears it off his neck and incinerates it or whatever. he just means like a normal fuckin thing a person might lose when they're a walking crisis.

he's already pretty sure he's far and removed from contributing balance or nice things in general to this partnership. he can't be the one who loses memories AND jewelry. ]

[it's true, trying to reject his dramatic overtures just adds fuel to his gay fire and his instinct to do The Most Dramatic Thing at any given moment. ]

Then don't. Necklaces are pretty hard to lose. And I trust you. I wanna give it to you, so just take it.

[he's still holding it out. just waiting for finn to take it. he will do this all day if he has to, tbh. it's not the romantic marriage proposal he expected to be having when he starting carrying his mom's ring around for however long, but since when has anything went the way he expected it to? literally never.]

[ shoutout to poe for the love-fueled boost of patience, bc it definitely takes finn a few seconds to amp up to this. there are a lot of wrong things going on here. way too much trust. way too much kind gesture.

he waffles hard on the "okay but this is way too good and kind to actually be real" line, and then part of his brain is like "you realize that the thing being offered to try to help you with this problem is in fact part of the situation you're having a problem with, and it can't help unless you actually try it". but in order to accomplish having this thing that might help, it means... accepting and then having a nice thing.

this is the de-proposaled-proposal equivalent of trying to tame a skittish horse by holding out an apple or something tbh.

when finn finally reaches out for it, he goes cautiously and with the exact air of someone expecting to have it immediately snatched back out of their hand. mostly because. part of him expects to have it immediately snatched out of his hand halfway through this transition. he's not proud of that. it just is what it is. he'd be surprised that poe did it, but not surprised that it happened.

when he does have it properly he just kinda sits there death-gripping it instead of putting it on just yet, simultaneously livin his experience like At What Point Does Poe Realize This Was A Bad Idea, It's Been Four Seconds Already. ]

[had he expected this reaction from finn, the reaction where he holds the necklace in his fist and seems to be having some sort of internal crisis? well, no, but everything finn does is new and unexpected at this point, so you might say that he is ... expecting the unexpected. whatever, it just makes him that much more equipped to deal with any given meltdown. like saying things in a calm voice.]

Hey, c'mon, it's okay. Just breathe. It's okay. You're here, I'm real, this is real. Nothing bad is gonna happen to you.

[no idea if that'll help, he's just working from a composite of where most of finn's meltdowns seem to come from.]

[ i relate to poe bc i too spend a lot of time thinking about how brave and kind and good finn is and all the good things he's done, only 2 come to this reality where he's a fucked up shell of the person he was becoming. that is a true angst content Mood.

he is waiting for something bad to happen. he's waiting to wake up. he's waiting to instantly lose this thing he's literally only just gotten that he's attached to anyway. mostly he thinks he's waiting for poe to stop being good. because obviously there has to be a point where he does something or accepts something and poe transmogrifies into snidely whiplash, i guess. or he thinks yeah man more work than it's worth right here.

finn squeezes his eyes shut and makes himself breathe through his nose like a calm adult, and the ring doesn't melt away into the ether so that's probably a good sign? it hurts a little, but that's a better sign. it's kind of like holding poe's hand only without worrying that he'll accidentally bruise bones or something. he has it and it's fine and it's in his hand and he's fine and poe is here and he has a droid and the caf is hot but a little weak. there's weird gum under the table.

shoutout to the space dennys for not vanishing into the ether while he tries to cooperate with poe's effort to help his crisis not evolve into a meltdown. ]

You could stand to be a lot less nice, Poe Dameron.

[he's a relatable pov in this clusterfuck, ok. he just wants finn to be better and he is trying his best. as a completely untrained non-psychological professional who is just hoping to break through with the power of gay love. it's a bold strategy, cotton, let's see if it pays off for him.]

I'm only this nice to you, I'll have you know.

[is that true? not exactly. he'd try to make friends with fuckin blades of grass, probably. but it sounds like a snappy thing to say so he says it. because that's how his mind works.

and maybe it is actually a little bit true, he would probably not go to these ridiculous lengths for any other person in the galaxy.]

Do you feel better? Do you think it's helping at all?

Edited (i saw a typo and i couldn't not fix it don't look at me) 2018-01-29 23:01 (UTC)

Like to see you prove that.

[ poe dameron, snappy grass whisperer.

finn sort of measures his options on this one. he feels sharply wrong for being allowed to have this, and that's probably gonna cause some problems for him later. on the other hand, it's a lot easier to trust something hard and metal and painful to squeeze at any given moment than it is to trust someone saying out loud that he's really here and this is really happening.

realistically, he thinks, he probably can't just constantly be grabbing poe's hand to make sure he's actually standing there. there are bigger problems to deal with. and he's less of a liability if he can deal with his own bullshit even once in a blue moon, right?

really he knew the answer to poe's questions well before he started weighing the pros and cons. he didn't expect it to actually be useful in any capacity??? witchcraft. ]

Yeah. I-- yeah.

[ this is exactly what he means about the niceness though, poe. almost exactly. semi-belatedly: ]

Thanks.

Great! Of course, of course.

[he smiles, feeling so pleased with himself. he had an idea that worked and wasn't garbage. poe elizabeth dameron, actual genius and stormtrooper whisperer. finn's mental well-being was totally worth handing over his mother's wedding ring without explaining what it was or assigning any meaning to it. shara bey would approve, probably. she is in force ghost heaven giving him a thumbs up (and congratulating him on finding a hottie).

now that he feels like they've made process with finn's ongoing mental instability and ... they seem to be done eating, he'll ask:]

Do you wanna get going? Or, we could stay a little longer if you want. It's up to you.

[ what an absolute... disaster genius. what a totally great and carefully thought-out planning process. shara bey can only be proud of him. finn will even finally put it around his neck like a normal human being trying not to lose an important necklace. this was probably... the idea poe had in mind when he even offered it. ]

We can leave. It's fine.

[ he thinks if he exercised his free will and said "let's stay longer" it would only get harder to actually make himself say "let's go". they can't afford to just stay.

some band-aids are better ripped off.

besides he probably peeped this place out about as thoroughly as it can be peeped when they first walked in. what's he even gonna miss. ]

[wearing it was in fact the intention, but you know, if he needed to just hold it in his hand for awhile to get a grip on reality ... poe's not gonna fault him, okay. whatever works tbh.]

All right, good.

[just gonna pay for their food and leave then. how many credits does he even have???? it's not like being a commander/captain/whatever in the resistance is putting lots of money in his wallet. you know what? don't worry about it. there's a reason why he's not just buying another ship to fuck off to another planet in. but he can afford space denny's and the like 4 credits it'll take to get them on the subway, so ... it's fine. keep not worrying about it.

as they keep walking (and bb-8 rolls behind them), poe decides to fill any potential silence with just talking about coruscant. finn's never been outside to his recollection except for that one time apparently, so maybe he'll appreciate it. this is also poe's way of keeping his own shit together.]

Coruscant's made up of all these levels, right? The entire planet. Thousands of levels. Each one has its own city inside. There are underworld portals, so you can fly into different levels on ships, like how we got here, but there are trains you can take to get between the levels, too. And since we don't really ... have a ship anymore ...

[ he actually does appreciate the tour guide function. bc yeah basically all he knows about coruscant is boring basic history shit, if that. he wouldn't get any of the layout deets until like a day before getting assigned here for whatever reason, if the first order ever rly gunned it on coruscant. it's kinda nice.

finn sticks close to poe. jury's out on if he looks more like a bodyguard or a tourist tbh?? he's prepared to have to pvp something but he's havin an okay time looking around. and every now and then he lets his hand drift up to the ring on principle. maybe its weird to look like he's just grabbing the front of his own shirt to passersby but consider: he doesn't care. ]

We barely had it and it barely had us in the first place.

[ that shitty tie fighter can rot in hell??? goodbye forever. ]

[ it's very hard to find humor in anything when their lives are one giant flaming disaster (not unlike that tie fighter, rip) but that very accurate assessment makes poe laugh for ... the second time? maybe the third time since this rapid downhill descent of questionable decisions.

when finn says stuff like that, even if it isn't much, it gives him hope that the finn he knows is still in there somewhere. that maybe, if he just keeps being patient and supportive and never gives up, he can have him back in some capacity.]

I know, I know. I'm sorry. That was my fault. When you try to repair a ship with the bare minimum of things it needs to stay in the air ... you learn that those little parts matter more than you thought.

[bb-8 beeps behind them like yeah i tried to tell him that but he wouldn't listen. i just work here.]

[ someday they're gonna get to take a nap and everything will look fifteen percent less terrible for a while.

for all of a second, finn lets himself think it would probably be neat to learn droid. it would probably have been neat if they taught him more than one language at all. but, shoulda-coulda-wouldas, really. ]

You'd know better than me. I wasn't pilot track or maintenance.

[ mostly he was learning to get good at Fighting Shit. he did some nice standard duty rotations tho. chopped stuff up in the mess hall. moved equipment around. occasionally wound up on sanitation. whatever bulldonk it is that militaries do. ]

[yeah poe needs a nap in this thread too honestly.]

Yeah, I know.

[didn't he ... mop floors or something????? super good not-boyfriend over here. well, finn probably doesn't want to talk about it anyway, so he's not going to bring it up. maybe he'll talk more about himself. that seems safe.

but also maybe not because he doesn't want finn to think he doesn't have a handle on things. despite being very open about not having a handle on things already? smh. ]

I'm not ... they train us to do some basic repairs as pilots, but most of what I know is from messing around with older models and stuff when I was a kid. I jury-rigged podracer engines to farm equipment once, that was pretty cool.

[ wow poe quit knowing stuff about him?? nah, he's not actually offended, that kinda tracks. basically everyone in the first order also knew what he was about. what's he gonna do, get mad about privacy he never had anyway? what a good attentive not-boyfriend.

also. yes, it's way more interesting to hear about poe. poe like. grew up on a planet or something, probably. he's done stuff. that's probably a good thing for a person to have going for them. ]

That turn out to be a big crash?

[ l o o k "child attaches podracer engines to farm equipment" sounds like a disaster just waiting to happen, even to him. ]

[he averts his eyes slightly like he can still remember being scolded by his dad. it was a lot, ok.]

No, but the exhaust from the engines singed a tree in our yard. Luke Skywalker gave this Force tree to my parents, but it looks like any other tree. How was I supposed to know? My dad was furious.

[if you want mundane childhood stories, he's got you, fam.]

[ this is a really short tag but there's only so many ways i can say finn sounds skeptical as hell tbh. he sounds 100% disbelieving. ]

A Force tree. [ if this is how poe turns out to be fake he's not even mad, it's a heck of a hill to make his last stand on. ]

A Force tree.

[ there's sort of like, an exhaustion in his voice, like he is just so over this damn tree. he would go home and set it on fire (again) if he didn't think his dad would murder him. ]

I don't know why it's a Force tree, or what makes it different from any other stupid-ass tree, but I had to spend a year nursing it back to health. Maybe my dad just said it was a Force tree to teach me a lesson, I dunno.

[ this is the most fascinating bullshit in the world. poe is mortal enemies with a tree. and it has to be a normal tree, bc there can't just be... a tree that's a force tree, for some unknown reason. there can't.

parents are wild. ]

A tree is a tree. I don't see how the Force can change whatever lesson you were supposed to learn that much.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject