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WISH LIST

★ my dark au kink:
+ being captured by the first order and subjected to reconditioning
+ trying to turn him back with the power of gay love and friendship (and possibly failing)
+ he was always a first order tie fighter pilot instead of winter soldiered
+ poe and finn first order murder squad (dynamics if they were both stormtroopers? running away together?)
+ ^ part b: the fam that gets captured and reconditioned together… stays…together…
+ Interesting Dynamics with kylo and hux from dark aus

★ finn stuff
+ what will they do after the war? romantic vacations? homesteading? sending finn's spit to space 23andme?
+ infinite escape reimagining/aus, stormpilot escape room reigning champions

★ rey stuff
+ relationship of convenience because they're both In Denial
+ sith princess rey aus where he tries to save her and/or she turns him

★ kylo stuff
+ infinite interrogating/torture room reimagining/aus
+ ^ part b: stockholm syndrome?
+ We Need to Talk about Leia

★ general
+ honestly anything regarding leia (esp processing grief post-tros)
+ talking about his sketchy spice runner past (possibly playing things taking place during that time in his life?)
+ ^ same for things taking place during academy/new republic tbh
+ i love aus. modern aus, vampire aus, a/b/o aus, let's au the entire world
+ i prefer m/m for poe but am good with most ships

kinks if ya nasty

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[right tho. right tho.

he knows that finn has a point, that if they want to get to the part where they don't have clothes, they're going to have to sit up, but doing literally anything feels like fighting against an ocean current when he'd rather be pulled under because the ocean is safe and warm and has finn kissing him in it.

but he's trying. he's making an effort. he's going to sit up … any second now. but as soon as he gathers up a single ounce of gumption, finn has to ruin it by switching up his technique and kissing him in different places on his face. oh no. it's too easy to just let this happen and not do anything.

no, no, he can do this. he is in control of his life and his choices and not a slave to … hormones??? impulses??? some sort of intangible force he could not even begin to describe? he is going to let finn kiss him for like one more second and then

move to sit up. stop using his hands to touch finn for like two seconds. yep, his arm has some pins and needles feelings going on, but it was worth it tbh. he rips off his shirt like he is in a competition for fastest shirt removal and flings it off the bed to join his jacket and boots on the floor. bye.

he did it. that should not have been a herculean task, but it was. are they going to be this stupid forever? there has to be a point in time where they acclimate to … being in one another's presence enough to complete basic tasks. sooner or later. but clearly not yet in this honeymoon period. it has been five seconds since his hands were touching finn and he is already antsy about it tbh. this is three more seconds than anticipated.]

Edited (words???) 2018-02-14 14:31 (UTC)

[ he huffs. ]

I never would've guessed.

[ poe dameron, unable to sit still? prone to doing reckless impulsive shit like breaking a single stormtrooper out of a huge well-staffed ship?? sounds fake can't be realistic. finn will try to think of that fondly when he wakes up for his half-asleep 3am cry later. ]

There are stormtroopers who think the same way. It's what they tell us we're here for. Taking action. Protecting the galaxy.

[ they go light on the fact that they're fascist villains. ]

[ poe really is a hero. a noble, beautiful shirtless hero. finn is genuinely glad, once again, that there isn't a life or death timecrunch on this setup. and that he isn't getting immediately pushed into a wall to enjoy the view of a wall. he can appreciate the aesthetic properly.

after he also sits up and loses his shirt. let no sacrifice be made in vain and all that, as five seconds is an actual eternity in star wars honeymoon phase town. long term investment. match poe for shirtlessness instead of immediately groping the bod

and then run his hands over the bod because it's perfect. and then maybe lean in to stick his face into poe's neck again to hit that good shit. god poe smells good. GOD. it's uncalled for. ]

[ mmm that moment when you gotta think about how there are people just like you on the other side. like, obviously. he knows finn is a person. he knows how stormtroopers are made. from ... people. he gets that part of the picture enough but maybe he is missing out on seeing the forest for the trees??? like there's gotta be some jackass stormtrooper who's just as turn down for what as everything about him —

oh wait that's the one SITTING NEXT TO HIM RIGHT NOW. or at least, it was. but no maybe there's one who's like him and finn except turning down for what ... for evil.]

I guess everyone's the hero in their own story.

[philosophical genius poe dameron.]

Some of the stuff we do ... some of the stuff we've been through, it's hard to justify it if you don't think you're the one in the right.

[hell he always thinks he's the one in the right and he's still constantly on the run from guilty thoughts from accidentally murdering like half the resistance with his good intentions and refusal to quit. those guilty thoughts will never catch him. nope.

but then there's the obvious: stormtroopers would only think that way because they're being brainwashed to think it. by sociopathic space nazis. that's cool.]

[you know sometimes being the alpha means taking charge in certain situations, like being the one to sit up first. it's a hard job, but somebody has to do it.

yep, this was worth it. finn's hands touching them without a clothing barrier in between? perfect. ideal view of the front of finn instead of the back of finn? perfect. finn's face against his neck again? also perfect. it all checks out.

and there's the realization that he can pull finn in for a hug and then they can both be all up in each other's necks. because that's what it's all about. drowning in finn's scent. why do other scents exist in the world when there's this??? his hands wander aimlessly, just feeling up the uncharted territory of finn's body. it's all good shit. found the sick-ass scar, but he's too high on finn-spice to be weird and emotional about it. just gonna double down on pvp-ing the entire first order but especially kylo ren on his to-do list for later. it's a brief flash of a thought that's immediately shoved away because this is a GOOD VIBES ONLY ZONE. kylo ren is not invited. anywhere, ever, in general.]

You ... you're amazing, you know?

[wow, look. words. look at him words.]

[ turning down for what... for evil. i mean, it's not wrong.

everything was so much less complicated yesterday when he had no idea what was happening or if he was waiting for death. now everyone is the hero in their own story and thinking about justifying what they do. is that how people think? is that how people understand it?

he doesn't think about the negotiators in the mining colony.

that's a lie. he does. he thinks about it instantly, and "it's hard to justify it if you don't think you're the one in the right" sticks itself to the memory like a fresh coat of paint. shifts the world off-track, leaves behind the feeling of living a foot to the left of himself.

reaching up to run his thumb over the edges of the ring, finn thinks-- something was wrong, there, and he only really has the authority to decide that what was wrong was him. just something inside him, too big for the first order, too small for anywhere else, no idea how to make it break down into something that could just fit and work.

he was the only one who couldn't fit. ]

You're probably right.

[ he still can't justify it. he doesn't think he'll ever be able to. maybe he was never supposed to even think about justifying it, and he was just supposed to pull the trigger and move on.

so poe probably is right about this. it doesn't seem like too horrible a betrayal to acknowledge that. ]

[hux is probably the closest equivalent that we know of. he's very turn down for what for evil. search your feelings, you know it to be true.

he watches finn when he doesn't respond right away, watches him ... mull something over? it's hard to tell. he doesn't want to press. it's like walking on eggshells, one wrong move and this calm they have going currently could break away into another meltdown. they're talking about heavy stuff ... he probably struck a chord. he knows. he struck his own damn chord.

but he wants to know re: finn. because he cares. can he make it better? probably not. but at least he could have the opportunity to try.]

You okay? Thought I lost you for a second there.

[ finn-spice saves the day, weird emotions and first order pvp-ing can have their calls forwarded to Not Right Now. this is a good gay vibes only groping event, kylo ren can go home.

this is also already becoming a banner day for finn's praise kink tbh. poe can't see his face what with it being squashed into him, but finn catches a grin and it doesn't stop spreading until it's hit the full ear-to-ear span. it was like five words but he loves poe so much and he's keeping them forever thank u poe. he's easy. ]

I think you might be biased.

[ does he sound even slightly serious? no. he doesn't. ]

I am not, I'm an authority. You, Finn ... Finn, [when you realize your boyfriend doesn't have a last name and you want to give him yours but you're not sure if that's okay yet or not so you just call him fucking moon moon. why didn't you give him a last name, poe. you were in charge of this whole creative process.] you're the best person I've ever met.

[ 16 words, so ... practically a shakespearean soliloquy. it was really hard to stay on task with the words for that long, okay. but they were important. and yeah maybe he can sense finn eating up the praise without even looking at his dumb face so he wanted to feed the fire a little bit. fed the fire and now he's going to nuzzle the curve of his neck. maybe kiss him there. yep.

also, what is he "an authority" on??? people???? amazingness??? don't think about it, he didn't.]

Hm? [ oh right. his bullshit. the stuff that crawls up his spine and nests in his skull. and maybe the fact that last time he got too quiet, he tried to vault out of their ship like a feral animal.

he kinda wishes he could vault off of the subway. but that's a lot less feasible than leaving a parked ship. and his bullshit would just tag along with him so like. meh. what would be the point. ] It's fine.

[ finn misses having a helmet. when you're wearing a helmet, your face can do whatever it wants and nobody will be any wiser to it. he's always been bad at schooling his expressions right out of the gate. when he isn't expecting to have to. sometimes even when he is expecting it. sometimes it's good to frown in secret. ]

I was just thinking. I do that sometimes.

[ he feels like he could basically shut down for 10 minutes and poe would still be there waiting when he started back up though. that's probably some kind of trust. ]

[he knew he should've put finn in the window seat. mr. flight risk over here. not that it would have stopped finn if he really wanted to bolt off the train. climbing over poe is much less of an obstacle than (basically) a seat belt, even though he'd put up more of an actual fight than one.

but he has tried gentle pushing, and it has proven to be not very effective. time to ... leave it alone for now. he guesses.]

Oh yeah? Guess that makes one of us.

[a rare self-burn for the sake of levity. it's a sacrifice he's willing to make.]

[ poe always wanted to date a man named moon moon.

finn likes praise okay wow his face is not dumb. (its dumb.) it's nice to have someone just go "you're good and a good person and i like you". and not like "good job on the training you were adequate". as a dry sponge rolling around in the affection ocean, he digs it.

poe's poe-try is beautiful. not eloquent. but good, in the headrush chest-warming way. except maybe the "finn finn" thing but he's positive that's not on any legal paperwork, and on one bright side, it's poe saying his name two whole times, raging against how distracting it is to be shirtless.

don't worry poe he has your back. literally. he keeps running his hand up and down it like someone who got really high and walked into a fabric store. it's the poe-spice. the compliment-spice. ]

Good. Otherwise you'd just be the best person I know. Sounds a little one-sided that way.

[i can't believe i was looking at moon moon memes and found fan art of this thread.

anyway, now it's poe's turn to be verklempt with some equally goofy-ass grin that finn can't see. it's not like he's never received a compliment before. he should not be this stupid emotional. but ... it's like when your friends compliment you like "cool shirt" and you take it at face value like thanks susan but then your crush says "cool shirt" and it's Imbued with Meaning.

not to mention that ... well, he doesn't think he's the worst person, but he isn't delusional enough to think he's the best. he's pretty good; self-esteem is clearly not a problem for him, but he's aware that he has flaws. he keeps getting slapped for those flaws, which really drives it home. but here's finn saying he's the best with sincerity and it's just

it's a lot, okay. just like finn's hand roaming around are a lot. it's emotional and sensory overload. can humans short circuit? what does that look like? he pulls finn close with his hands pressed against his back, going more for "i want to hold you close and never let you go and maybe if we try real hard we can fuse together into a single entity" more than wandering around. he just did that, it was great. maybe he'll go in for round two in a minute. when he's not working on more mouth words.]

I'm not... you're so good. You're good, and it's like ... I'm just trying to be good, and you really are.

[ finn: attempts to book it
poe: i should have let him have the fucking window seat

sometimes a person wants to dissociate and bang on their drums all day. what do u mean it's not good to repress all your trauma and emotions until an inevitable meltdown and then start right back up again. ]

We can take turns.

[ this is what he's talking about, though. he never has to say anything. does he still feel like there must be a right or wrong answer to some of the things poe talks about? sure. but if poe asked a question and he said "i don't want to talk about that," poe would probably like. stop talking about it. he's like a walking threatless, will-not-hurt-you-actively force field. the worst thing he's threatened to do was stun finn and drag him to the hangar to arguably save his life.

this is the least realistic person in the world. he's just good?? not perfect and he definitely doesn't always say the right thing but he's so... good. it's wild. he almost makes it easy to forget what they're running from and how it probably ends. he makes it easy to not want it to end. he makes it dangerously easy to want to try, to want to make sense.

now, we call this the emotional equivalent of leaving a cheeto in the middle of a parking lot to lure an injured animal into the open, and heck if finn isn't very cautiously seeing what happens if he starts to edge towards that emotional cheeto. will he ever become a stable disaster over an unstable disaster???? i hope so. ]

What do you do with what you can't justify?

[UNLOCKED. what did he unlock? he has no clue but it's a thing. it's putting a key in a door and fiddling with it a little bit and then it magically unlocks. only there's probably deep-seated trauma behind that door but you know what. he asked for this. he can barely handle his own shit, but he's decided to take on some of finn's shit, too. keeping the shit separate was a lie. he wants to know everything about finn. that's his m.o. and that includes things that are painful and hard to talk about, inasmuch as finn wants to actually talk about them.

it just means sounding a little more together than he actually is. less like someone who is constantly on the run from his guilty thoughts. ]

You mean bad calls? Yeah ... I've had my share of those. Sometimes things come down to the wire and you make the wrong choice. Maybe you thought it was justifiable, only to find out it wasn't. [he shakes his head.] And there's nothing you can do to fix it. It's happened. It's done. You just gotta learn from it. Be better next time.

[and he did, didn't he? he learned from his mistakes. too bad they were ... enormous mistakes ...

and maybe this is another one for his greatest hits list. maybe it's going to backfire on him in ways that remain unseen. but it feels right. (just like all his other mistakes.) it's going to work out. he knows it. (yep. still just like all his other mistakes.) ]

[ that's actively perfect it's like a renaissance painting.

he's so proud of his dumb boyfriend and his mouth words. trying to fuse into a single entity sounds like the ideal endgame solution here. if they're a single entity they'll never have to be separated again even when the war is back on its bullshit. they'll just be one thing, it's perfect, it's poetic cinema.

even though poe clearly has it backwards. maybe that's an alpha thing. or a bond thing. find your omega, immediately decide they're the best and most good thing in the galaxy. or a poe "extra" dameron thing. that could just be the kind of person poe is.

not that finn can judge because no, he's pretty sure poe really is one of the best people in the galaxy, hands-down. because reasons. he'll meet someone in the pit over it. ]

No, I'm definitely just trying, too. Don't worry.

[ what's backwards? nothing is backwards. finn is the most perfect and actually good? not backwards. bonding like five seconds after they met and deciding that later? not backwards. there are only forward things in this situation. poe believes that with the same intensity that he believes any other belief of his. full 100 emoji.

anyway man he loves finn so much. still working on this holding him forever thing. also the words thing still. but the words thing is hard and he's just going to fucking make note of it:]

I feel like ... it's really hard to think around you. Do you feel like that?

[no poe, he doesn't, that's why you've had nonstop enlightening philosophical discourse for the last who knows how long. smdh.]

[ they need chewie or leia. the only two star wars who have enough of a handle on their own shit to be able to take on another person's en masse and help them with it. rip.

it's all still something to think about. it's what he wanted to do after. be better. fix his mistakes. he almost says something like no, what do you do with commands you can't justify.

but he guesses poe just doesn't follow them. that was a whole thing. they sort of. have that in common? only poe was a lot more yolo maybe, and has possibly done it more than once to his own memory. still. take the cheeto by the horns. until disaster inevitably must strike again. ]

I couldn't follow orders. On my first deployment. Thought that was why they sent me to reconditioning, for a while. [ to have another chance. to be better next time.

apparently he got another chance and completely biffed it tho. which he wasn't expecting. ]

[he nods like ah yes, orders you can't follow. this is also a familiar story. he doesn't know what he can contribute to finn's story. how much he can contribute. what was his first deployment? was it jakku? all the things he doesn't know make him wonder. has he been through this multiple times? that hurts a lot to think about. but if that was true, then maybe ... well, finn was his finn when he'd met him. messy and fearless. if that was true, maybe there was a chance he'd get better. that poe was right, that there was some light, some goodness in finn that the first order would never be able to take.

too bad that's all a fanfiction poe wrote just now. if only ... he had learned literally anything about the love of his life. all he can offer is his own pov. ]

Yeah, if it's an order ... I think you always have to be true to yourself. I've went against orders. That's what I'm doing right now. And yeah, maybe sometimes it blows up in my face. Turns out ways I didn't expect. I made a couple of those bad calls because I didn't want to follow orders, and it cost a lot of people their lives. [here come the guilty thoughts. they found him. he biffed it on the sidewalk and now they're here to beat him up.]

I regret those, but if an order doesn't sit right with you, I think the worst thing you can do is to just blindly follow it. You have to do what's right, because there's a lot of people out there who won't. So there are things I don't regret, too. I don't regret how things went with the New Republic, because it got me to where I needed to be. And I don't regret you.

[and that's important, he thinks. it's important to make sure finn knows that. even if finn was broken now, even if he'd been winter soldier and straight up tried to kill him for offering help, he wouldn't have regretted it. doesn't regret it. if he hadn't tried, he wouldn't have been able to live with himself.

maybe that meant that he wasn't fit to lead the resistance, because he wasn't ready to sacrifice one for the many. but he hadn't. he worked around that. the only collateral damage in the bad end scenario of this would be himself.]

[ sorry did you say something, personal wellbeing and good vibes generator? something about being a 100 emoji in hormone hell universe probably. nah, he's listening though, he hears this. finn snorts and offers a deadpan: ]

Yeah. But who needs to think that much? [ is it actually a joke when neither of them thinks about almost anything until after they ride an impulse wave and get halfway through it, or is it just an affirmation of the ride or die lifestyle? lbr. throw thinking on the ground. get your other half shirtless on a top bunk while you're not being shot at.

he moves his face exactly enough to give poe a little bite on the shoulder. for emphasis?? idk. probably not. he just wants to. ]

[it's true ... how much was poe really using his brain before? like, not at all. there is barely any difference between him on a normal day and him right now on the finn-spice. he's trying to pretend otherwise but everyone knows the truth.

or at least he was trying to pretend; his already tenuous train of thought gets slammed into like the train in murder on the orient express when the avalanche hits it. only the avalanche is finn biting him. he actually gasps a little, and decides to double down on whatever he was doing before, which was probably ... kissing finn??? was he doing that? maybe. can't remember what was even happening five seconds ago, but it's fine. he loves finn so much it's like his heart is going to explode out of his chest. his body is not an adequate container for all of his Feelings.

he kisses finn's shoulders and his neck, exploring some new territory besides his face. revisiting some old territory. what if he bites his neck again for old time's sake? i say that like he puts any thought into it and doesn't just go for it. can you double down on the mating bond thing? what happens? who knows and/or cares. maybe that's what he's into. just screaming "mine mine this one is absolutely mine" to everyone in the room, aka all these air molecules who are already acutely aware.]

[ well it sure is finn's turn to gasp, which is more of a sharp punctuation that comes after he spends a couple of seconds with a shudder running up his spine, straight-up forgetting that breathing is a thing. welcome to suddenly pliant town, finn forgot how nice it is here. his limbs feel like responsive noodles, and he just kinda goes with it and lets his hands slide down to poe's waist.

what if they both just crack open right here and actually fuse together and then they can cope with being physically unable to contain these swells of affection together, as a unit. yeah. yeah that tracks.

words are no longer on his personal agenda.

in light of his brain scrambling to even come up with the most rudimentary of specific thoughts, let alone ship them all the way from thought to word, finn tips his head to the side to give poe more access instead. it's the most "yours yours yours" gesture in his arsenal, instinct that can survive the most sudden southward migration of bloodflow. take that u dumb air molecules, never doubt them again, u absolute fools. ]

[ when you get so into the person you long for that you write an entire fanfiction about them in your head. the full hundred percent commitment. incredible. ]

Tell me if your mind changes. It won't hurt my feelings. [ all 2.5 of them. fear, confusion, and "idk exactly what this is but i can't make myself try to stop having it."

finn adds the words to his tiny dragon's hoard of nice things poe says that he doesn't totally know what to do with, which in its own way is the same as just accepting them, which is kind of what... one does with nice things that poe says. it's maybe the best coping mechanism he's even evolved so far.

and poe can hold onto his Feelings about this, as perhaps one of the best, most stubborn no-regrets candidates for this situation. bc i can almost guarantee that if finn goes to sleep on this road trip, he comes back up at full disaster mass and tries to pvp everything in his vicinity no matter how nice it was to him on the space subway. he'll need a no-regrets guarantee more than ever. ]

[i mean that's what you gotta do when you don't know anything about the person you're in love with. make up elaborate but probably incorrect stories about their lives. that's what's up.]

It won't.

[he says it with such finality. it won't. case closed. brick wall meet brick wall. finn could wig out and pvp him right now and if finn won, he'd go down like "rip myself but at least you're free now." he's actually thinking these dramatic thoughts like the fucking drama queen he is. any life they (or maybe just he in this finn killing him and/or running away scenario) eked out in the coruscant slums or hitching a ride to wherever, no matter how messy and chaotic and unstable, it was better than whatever the first order had given finn. treating him like an animal, locked up in a cage. he knows that with the same complete certainty that he knows he doesn't regret his actions.

this is probably a fast train. so even though it's a thousand levels, they've also been having philosophical discourse for a while now. they learned a lot about each other. bb-8 was off pickpocketing people. it's been a great time for everyone. anyway poe glances at the display for the first time literally since they sat down. they're on like. level 1700.]

Not much longer now.

[ it's good that they didn't miss their stop. that would've sucked for them. life is already hard enough.

two dudes, chillin on the fast train, and they both are brick walls and they're both gay. thank god bb-8 will be able to provide them with rando pocket change to live on. they can become a traveling entertainment trio. living on good clean family bonding, growing closer. anticipating the most dramatic turns in events, together. finn's still pretty sure the first order's gonna bust in like this is an episode of punk'd at some point.

and poe dameron is the most decisive person in the entire galaxy, he thinks, probably. he doesn't know a lot of people. but poe never seems to half-ass committing to anything. he's full-tilt the whole way, "oh i'll leave the resistance and go with you if you don't stay," "i'll never change my mind, i won't regret rescuing/kidnapping you today." literally everything finn ever got taught about how stubborn rebels are was true. amazing. ]

Fine by me. [ there's only so much train interior even finn can continue to be fascinated with. realistically. ] Be good to get back to walking.

[ hence the finnpoe mood of the day. ]

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