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WISH LIST

★ my dark au kink:
+ being captured by the first order and subjected to reconditioning
+ trying to turn him back with the power of gay love and friendship (and possibly failing)
+ he was always a first order tie fighter pilot instead of winter soldiered
+ poe and finn first order murder squad (dynamics if they were both stormtroopers? running away together?)
+ ^ part b: the fam that gets captured and reconditioned together… stays…together…
+ Interesting Dynamics with kylo and hux from dark aus

★ finn stuff
+ what will they do after the war? romantic vacations? homesteading? sending finn's spit to space 23andme?
+ infinite escape reimagining/aus, stormpilot escape room reigning champions

★ rey stuff
+ relationship of convenience because they're both In Denial
+ sith princess rey aus where he tries to save her and/or she turns him

★ kylo stuff
+ infinite interrogating/torture room reimagining/aus
+ ^ part b: stockholm syndrome?
+ We Need to Talk about Leia

★ general
+ honestly anything regarding leia (esp processing grief post-tros)
+ talking about his sketchy spice runner past (possibly playing things taking place during that time in his life?)
+ ^ same for things taking place during academy/new republic tbh
+ i love aus. modern aus, vampire aus, a/b/o aus, let's au the entire world
+ i prefer m/m for poe but am good with most ships

kinks if ya nasty

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Hm? [ oh right. his bullshit. the stuff that crawls up his spine and nests in his skull. and maybe the fact that last time he got too quiet, he tried to vault out of their ship like a feral animal.

he kinda wishes he could vault off of the subway. but that's a lot less feasible than leaving a parked ship. and his bullshit would just tag along with him so like. meh. what would be the point. ] It's fine.

[ finn misses having a helmet. when you're wearing a helmet, your face can do whatever it wants and nobody will be any wiser to it. he's always been bad at schooling his expressions right out of the gate. when he isn't expecting to have to. sometimes even when he is expecting it. sometimes it's good to frown in secret. ]

I was just thinking. I do that sometimes.

[ he feels like he could basically shut down for 10 minutes and poe would still be there waiting when he started back up though. that's probably some kind of trust. ]

[he knew he should've put finn in the window seat. mr. flight risk over here. not that it would have stopped finn if he really wanted to bolt off the train. climbing over poe is much less of an obstacle than (basically) a seat belt, even though he'd put up more of an actual fight than one.

but he has tried gentle pushing, and it has proven to be not very effective. time to ... leave it alone for now. he guesses.]

Oh yeah? Guess that makes one of us.

[a rare self-burn for the sake of levity. it's a sacrifice he's willing to make.]

[ finn: attempts to book it
poe: i should have let him have the fucking window seat

sometimes a person wants to dissociate and bang on their drums all day. what do u mean it's not good to repress all your trauma and emotions until an inevitable meltdown and then start right back up again. ]

We can take turns.

[ this is what he's talking about, though. he never has to say anything. does he still feel like there must be a right or wrong answer to some of the things poe talks about? sure. but if poe asked a question and he said "i don't want to talk about that," poe would probably like. stop talking about it. he's like a walking threatless, will-not-hurt-you-actively force field. the worst thing he's threatened to do was stun finn and drag him to the hangar to arguably save his life.

this is the least realistic person in the world. he's just good?? not perfect and he definitely doesn't always say the right thing but he's so... good. it's wild. he almost makes it easy to forget what they're running from and how it probably ends. he makes it easy to not want it to end. he makes it dangerously easy to want to try, to want to make sense.

now, we call this the emotional equivalent of leaving a cheeto in the middle of a parking lot to lure an injured animal into the open, and heck if finn isn't very cautiously seeing what happens if he starts to edge towards that emotional cheeto. will he ever become a stable disaster over an unstable disaster???? i hope so. ]

What do you do with what you can't justify?

[UNLOCKED. what did he unlock? he has no clue but it's a thing. it's putting a key in a door and fiddling with it a little bit and then it magically unlocks. only there's probably deep-seated trauma behind that door but you know what. he asked for this. he can barely handle his own shit, but he's decided to take on some of finn's shit, too. keeping the shit separate was a lie. he wants to know everything about finn. that's his m.o. and that includes things that are painful and hard to talk about, inasmuch as finn wants to actually talk about them.

it just means sounding a little more together than he actually is. less like someone who is constantly on the run from his guilty thoughts. ]

You mean bad calls? Yeah ... I've had my share of those. Sometimes things come down to the wire and you make the wrong choice. Maybe you thought it was justifiable, only to find out it wasn't. [he shakes his head.] And there's nothing you can do to fix it. It's happened. It's done. You just gotta learn from it. Be better next time.

[and he did, didn't he? he learned from his mistakes. too bad they were ... enormous mistakes ...

and maybe this is another one for his greatest hits list. maybe it's going to backfire on him in ways that remain unseen. but it feels right. (just like all his other mistakes.) it's going to work out. he knows it. (yep. still just like all his other mistakes.) ]

[ they need chewie or leia. the only two star wars who have enough of a handle on their own shit to be able to take on another person's en masse and help them with it. rip.

it's all still something to think about. it's what he wanted to do after. be better. fix his mistakes. he almost says something like no, what do you do with commands you can't justify.

but he guesses poe just doesn't follow them. that was a whole thing. they sort of. have that in common? only poe was a lot more yolo maybe, and has possibly done it more than once to his own memory. still. take the cheeto by the horns. until disaster inevitably must strike again. ]

I couldn't follow orders. On my first deployment. Thought that was why they sent me to reconditioning, for a while. [ to have another chance. to be better next time.

apparently he got another chance and completely biffed it tho. which he wasn't expecting. ]

[he nods like ah yes, orders you can't follow. this is also a familiar story. he doesn't know what he can contribute to finn's story. how much he can contribute. what was his first deployment? was it jakku? all the things he doesn't know make him wonder. has he been through this multiple times? that hurts a lot to think about. but if that was true, then maybe ... well, finn was his finn when he'd met him. messy and fearless. if that was true, maybe there was a chance he'd get better. that poe was right, that there was some light, some goodness in finn that the first order would never be able to take.

too bad that's all a fanfiction poe wrote just now. if only ... he had learned literally anything about the love of his life. all he can offer is his own pov. ]

Yeah, if it's an order ... I think you always have to be true to yourself. I've went against orders. That's what I'm doing right now. And yeah, maybe sometimes it blows up in my face. Turns out ways I didn't expect. I made a couple of those bad calls because I didn't want to follow orders, and it cost a lot of people their lives. [here come the guilty thoughts. they found him. he biffed it on the sidewalk and now they're here to beat him up.]

I regret those, but if an order doesn't sit right with you, I think the worst thing you can do is to just blindly follow it. You have to do what's right, because there's a lot of people out there who won't. So there are things I don't regret, too. I don't regret how things went with the New Republic, because it got me to where I needed to be. And I don't regret you.

[and that's important, he thinks. it's important to make sure finn knows that. even if finn was broken now, even if he'd been winter soldier and straight up tried to kill him for offering help, he wouldn't have regretted it. doesn't regret it. if he hadn't tried, he wouldn't have been able to live with himself.

maybe that meant that he wasn't fit to lead the resistance, because he wasn't ready to sacrifice one for the many. but he hadn't. he worked around that. the only collateral damage in the bad end scenario of this would be himself.]

[ when you get so into the person you long for that you write an entire fanfiction about them in your head. the full hundred percent commitment. incredible. ]

Tell me if your mind changes. It won't hurt my feelings. [ all 2.5 of them. fear, confusion, and "idk exactly what this is but i can't make myself try to stop having it."

finn adds the words to his tiny dragon's hoard of nice things poe says that he doesn't totally know what to do with, which in its own way is the same as just accepting them, which is kind of what... one does with nice things that poe says. it's maybe the best coping mechanism he's even evolved so far.

and poe can hold onto his Feelings about this, as perhaps one of the best, most stubborn no-regrets candidates for this situation. bc i can almost guarantee that if finn goes to sleep on this road trip, he comes back up at full disaster mass and tries to pvp everything in his vicinity no matter how nice it was to him on the space subway. he'll need a no-regrets guarantee more than ever. ]

[i mean that's what you gotta do when you don't know anything about the person you're in love with. make up elaborate but probably incorrect stories about their lives. that's what's up.]

It won't.

[he says it with such finality. it won't. case closed. brick wall meet brick wall. finn could wig out and pvp him right now and if finn won, he'd go down like "rip myself but at least you're free now." he's actually thinking these dramatic thoughts like the fucking drama queen he is. any life they (or maybe just he in this finn killing him and/or running away scenario) eked out in the coruscant slums or hitching a ride to wherever, no matter how messy and chaotic and unstable, it was better than whatever the first order had given finn. treating him like an animal, locked up in a cage. he knows that with the same complete certainty that he knows he doesn't regret his actions.

this is probably a fast train. so even though it's a thousand levels, they've also been having philosophical discourse for a while now. they learned a lot about each other. bb-8 was off pickpocketing people. it's been a great time for everyone. anyway poe glances at the display for the first time literally since they sat down. they're on like. level 1700.]

Not much longer now.

[ it's good that they didn't miss their stop. that would've sucked for them. life is already hard enough.

two dudes, chillin on the fast train, and they both are brick walls and they're both gay. thank god bb-8 will be able to provide them with rando pocket change to live on. they can become a traveling entertainment trio. living on good clean family bonding, growing closer. anticipating the most dramatic turns in events, together. finn's still pretty sure the first order's gonna bust in like this is an episode of punk'd at some point.

and poe dameron is the most decisive person in the entire galaxy, he thinks, probably. he doesn't know a lot of people. but poe never seems to half-ass committing to anything. he's full-tilt the whole way, "oh i'll leave the resistance and go with you if you don't stay," "i'll never change my mind, i won't regret rescuing/kidnapping you today." literally everything finn ever got taught about how stubborn rebels are was true. amazing. ]

Fine by me. [ there's only so much train interior even finn can continue to be fascinated with. realistically. ] Be good to get back to walking.

[ hence the finnpoe mood of the day. ]

[ the gif is too real. it's poe pretty much at all times but especially in this moment. he's still not worried about the first order finding them, mostly because he trusts and believes in the first order not finding them here but also he just doesn't plan ahead. that's not really a thing he does. living that only ten seconds ahead at a time life. like a toddler. or a gerbil.

and that's how he can 100 emoji his way through everything. it's super easy to go full-tilt when your brain doesn't even put consequences up on the radar. except for the occasional moments of clarity when he's like "oh yeah consequences" but he tries to avoid those as often as he can. ]

Yeah. [ he hates sitting still and not being able to do anything. and that's what sitting on a train is pretty much. but he got some good finn time out of it, so ... maybe it wasn't the absolute worst? ] There might be a lot of it. I'm not sure ... we could get lucky, but it'll probably be awhile before we can get something in working order. Just trying to think about it realistically.

[ everything's got its highs and lows. sitting on a train included. ]

"Realistic" is good. Hell of a lot easier to trust "realistic."

[ like, something about it is comforting to hear in this context. thinking about something realistically. it could be a while. he can swallow that, work with it. it has more to hold onto than promising things will be fine. ]

[he glances at finn but doesn't say anything. of course he trusts realistic. because realistic is more negative and he can't get him to drink his idealistic koolaid. poe is only realistic when he has to be. like right now, when they're essentially going dumpster diving for a ship.

the train rolls around to level 1782 really quickly, and then poe is leading finn out by the hand with bb-8 rolling behind. they walk through another subway station which i'm sure is equally as disgustingly fascinating as the one they set off from (but poe will stop for a moment if finn would also like to take it in), and then they're taking the stairs into

you guessed it it's a junkyard. idk what else finn could expect from poe's descriptions of where they were going, but in case there was any doubt: it sure is a junkyard. it's walled with scrap metal and guess what! not just old broken discarded ships, but also airspeeders, hovertrains, and billboards. the true essence of coruscant…'s trash. also included: rats. not creepy mutant star wars alien rats, just normal rats. sniffing around, going about their business. what a great place. poe dameron really knows how to treat a date.

speaking of poe, he's taking all this in like yep this sure is … a lot. he didn't really know what to expect. he probably did a quick datapad search like "where does coruscant throw out their trash" and was like yep that's the level for me. that's as far as he got into that particular plan. and now he's arrived and doesn't even know where to begin.]

This is … we can do this.

[on a scale of nervous wreck to completely self-assured, that was like a 4/10.]

[ this is the plan that google got them. holding hands in a sea of garbage. garbage castaways. maybe they can build a shabby hut for emotional breakdowns during construction hours. a place to think about how if rey and/or rose were here, this shit would probably already be on lock.

there's definitely more to look at in the junkyard than there was in the gross subway stations. which doesn't feel like necessarily a great thing. but does anything feel like a great thing to finn rn?? not especially. at least... there's plenty to pick from... and it is interesting. his positive thought for the month. the rats are. they're sure there.

man what a dump. why is he only just realizing how filthy everything's been? maybe a little overwhelming. that's a drop in the bucket. ]

We'll find out one way or the other. [ finn isn't gonna make assurances about whether or not they can do this. ] Better view than a holding cell. If that helps.

[ he's trying, he doesn't know. "hey poe if or when we do get recaptured, thanks for taking me to see a lot of cool junk beforehand." ]

[it does actually help. no matter how severe his internal crisis may be right now, at least he did this much. at least this much was worth it to finn, too, even if it didn't feel like a hell of a lot to poe. he squeezes his hand. still gonna be otters until the day they die.

(also, there was a fugitive camp here back in the empire days, so ... maybe they'll have neighbors???) ]

Yeah, a little. Doesn't mean there's not room for improvement.

[he exhales a small sigh. it's okay. he can do this. he's gotten out of jams with even less to work with. he is a strong capable person.]

I'd ask you to help me look, but I don't even know what I'm looking for. Something on the smaller end that seems mostly whole. I guess that'd be a good place to start.

[ finn and poe: living in junk in domestic... mostly-dread, while at least one of them gets progressively more keyed up and prone to breakdowns by the day.
their neighbors: harold...

finn doesn't mind indulging in being otters. intermittent ottering is a big factor in keeping him tethered to this mortal plane. he's kind of a plastic bag, drifting through the wind, and then someone tried to clean up a little and used him for garbage with a lot of hard edges that are barely being contained.

he's almost starting to wonder if the first order wanted him to be a disaster instead of being put together and put back to use. not really the kind of thing he can ask them later. they're gonna have different priorities. ]

We won't start it any faster standing here. Might as well dig through some garbage.

[ this is the worst and best date of his life honestly. ]

You got it.

[finn taking the initiative. he's so proud. he starts to move forward through all the junk, finally letting go of finn's hand with the caveat] Stay close to me, okay? Not because — [you're a flight risk] I just don't want us to lose each other around here.

[inserts a montage of them digging through trash for awhile. a long while which is why i'm ff'ing ok. the majority of it really is like ... things that would make sense to be trashed on coruscant that are of no use to them — e.g., those speeders, trains, and billboards??? he kind of mutters to himself as they go along, being goldilocks about it. it's thrilling. there are also rats.

eventually, he eyes something and motions finn over.]

Hey! Look at this! [he motions at the ship like finn will have any kind of educated opinion about it.]

I think this is our best bet. [probably because he's tired now.] It's pretty good, right? We've got a whole frame, and ... [he comes up closer and beats his fist against the side, sort of testing the structural integrity and

a huge metal panel falls off from above and tries to kill him. COOL.]

... I can fix that.

[ fucking incredible. poe almost died by accident. finn admires this ship with all the investment of a dude who doesn't know anything about ships, who has never had cause to care about ships, and who figures it can't be any worse than anything else. at least there's that. ]

If that's our ship, I think the only alternative is learning to fix it. Without getting yourself flattened.

[ he still can't drive ok. right now, the mission is clear. do whatever poe says will help, hope that if it feels like kid gloves it's actually just poe assigning shit based on his whole "was i really actually even alive before last week or did that come built in with the processing" experience level. get poe to the rebels to... pay his life debt?? and bounce. he can't foresee anything that would make him want to hang around.

objectively, it would be a prime chance to get some intel back to the first order. it would be like getting his blaster out and putting a bolt through poe's head right now. a thing he theoretically could and should do, as a stormtrooper. kill rebels, go back, die either in a little cell or as part of a big fancy execution. a thing part of his brain is always kind of going on about doing, because the first order is everything and it gave him everything.

what does he want? (to kill rebels and go back and be where things make sense and aren't constantly terrifying.) a bagel. (LITERALLY JUST KILL THE REBELLION.) two bagels, which he probably orders while crying.

these are things he could do but if he's just slated for jailtime and execution when he goes back, like... why hurt this temporary teammate who has literally only been good to him beforehand? that doesn't sit well. ]

[yep. one moment he was standing there talking, the next he was obscured by a giant metal panel. he steps out from around it not looking frazzled at all, though. he's fine, don't worry about it. remaining composed after close calls with death is part of the whole fighter pilot package.

can't believe finn is thinking about murdering poe after he took him on such great dates to shitty places. poe wouldn't be surprised at least. just disappointed. and would still whisper thank you while being murdered, probably. maybe after a night's sleep and further thought he'll just commit to going awol instead of putting the resistance in danger via finn's flight risk nature. that's a choice.

but he's not thinking of any of that right now, he's thinking about the potential of this busted ass ship. it's not horrible??? it's not any worse off than the tie fighter had been, although it was a lot bigger.]

It's okay. I can figure it out. [read: he'll watch a youtube tutorial. i'm sure the diy community is thriving.] C'mon, let's check out the inside.

[he actually seems excited. he's finally feeling a feeling besides crushing dread and it's the excitement of opportunity ... until the crushing dread comes back like a wave against the shore, probably. he holds out his hand for finn to take. otters??]

[ it's nothing personal, poe. nothing personal against you personally anyway. everything is just awful all the time. he's a scrambled egg. a kinder surprise egg, but scrambled. almost constantly actively suppressing his urges to book it like a criminal and/or have a full blown panic attack.

and sometimes the dude his brain occasionally says to murder almost dies by panel accident and the rest of his brain is like "WHOA SHIT WAIT I PREFER HIM ALIVE." the duality of man??

if nothing else, this spacious vehicle will maybe feel less like a metal coffin. ]

I'm sure the inside has just as much vermin and garbage.

[ finn, who spent six million years holding poe's hand while they walked around and rode a train together and stuff, finally realizes they've been holding hands a lot today. like realizes this in an active capacity and not a capacity where he's busy going "okay cool that's a Real Hand that goes with this Real Ring, and if i do shoot him it probably won't help me pass the test to wake up in reconditioning".

he hesitates.

but he otters. ]

[ honestly they have held hands so much today the lack of finn's hand in his was confusing. he gives finn a look, but doesn't seem actually pressed about it. just teasing. ]

That's what cleaning's for.

[ the ramp is already out i guess because i'm a great writer and maybe someone was already living there and has since evacuated. they take a scenic tour of the ship. (don't fuckin judge me clone wars and rebels clearly only exist for me to steal things from for this psl.) sort of wandering through the lounge area where it's looking pretty okay honestly, and then into the galley, where there are some rats looking for the essence of food long gone. there's probably a single portion hidden at the top of a cabinet somewhere they can sense but are unable to reach. poe scrubs his face with his free hand. at least porgs were cute. what he wouldn't give for porgs right now.]

So we've got some friends. It's ... it's fine.

[is it?]

[ don't tell finn about the porgs or he'll absolutely never go back. he'll channel john boyega's personal distaste for porgs and die, right there.

i'm also a great writer, i forgot to even think about logistics like that it's fine they did it. together we carry on the clone wars legacy.

finn is finally back to being distractedly impressed. this is way roomier than he thought it would be on the inside. a ship palace. one day he'll be less impressed by like anything that veers away from "tiny grey rooms" and "shitty tie fighters". they really could have their own individual rooms for panic attacks. it's not too bad getting to look at some of this.

flatly as hell: ]

Sure. Friends letting us stay with them.

[ he could be saying worse and much more pessimistic things. in fact, don't count those chickens before they hatch. ]

As long as they're allowed to eat us if we die in here.

[ SOUNDS LEGIT. can't wait to sign the lease. ]

[poe turns to stare at him with a flat expression that embodies both "i cannot believe you are saying this right now while i'm trying to maintain good vibes" but also "i don't know what i expected." but it's okay!!! he is poe elizabeth dameron and he will have his good vibes if that's the last thing he ever does (and uh realistically it might be but it's fine).]

We'll get rid of them. I can figure it out. [he grew up on a ranch. that makes him qualified to deal with any animal-type problems. did his ranch ever have a rat infestation? well, no. but he will watch another youtube tutorial on his datapad and figure it out. youtube will save us all.]

Besides, this ship has cabins. I think ... I'm pretty sure it's VCX-100. The doors'll seal shut. [he tugs at finn's hand, pulling him away from the galley and towards the rooms in this dope-ass ship palace.] As long as we're careful coming in and out, we'll be fine if we try to sleep or anything like that.

[we're gonna have a sleepover in this ship? that's a bold assumption, poe. but he's already adopted the ship. it's part of his island of misfit toys now. just by virtue of not being as bad as it could be.

he quickly realizes he has to ... force the first cabin door open, so he extricates his hand from their current otter session to push until one side of the double door relents and slides away. (didn't even think of asking finn for help because he's a stubborn jackass.) how promising.

in a way, it is promising, because no one else has been stubborn enough to try ransacking this room. which is not to say that there's a lot here, but there is a bed and a blanket. there's a datapad under the desk in the room that poe immediately eyes and picks up. the screen is cracked. not just cracked, it kind of looks like it got in a fight with a cement floor and lost. but poe is still an optimist, distracted now by trying to get it to turn on. this is the equivalent of "great, i found an apple computer from 1992 for us to watch youtube tutorials on." ]

[ if that iconic expression fazes finn, he's doin a good job hiding it. so logically, it doesn't bother him too much to see it. because if it did it would probably be all over his face like a big dumb neon sign. there are only two finn modes. total shutdown or open book.

finn has a real backlog of shuttled-off emotions to fuel his next meltdown, for whenever he feels like he has the capacity to create enough energy to have it. he's takin in all his data and rerouting it for later. ]

If you can guarantee they won't try to eat us, I really don't care if they plan to stick around. [ the rats were here first. that's valid. he guesses they're roomies now. there's a bed. that's cool and probably going to be useful if they ever sleep.

poe's got his little old busted ipad. finn just kinda yeets off to investigate some more of their ransacked, empty garbage home? maybe someone left their extra will to live hanging around one time. that has to have a good shelf life by definition, right.

he doesn't know. he doesn't know what he's doing. literally in this moment, he doesn't really get what he should be doing. usually people tell him the thing he's supposed to do and then he does it. that's his entire life story. on a broader scale, he still doesn't know what he's doing just with his life or his choices, but he realizes that like every five minutes so it's not much of a status update. ]

Edited (half asleep html strikes again) 2018-03-07 04:58 (UTC)

[i mean … probably not extra will to live. that evacuated with either the ship's original owner or some other scavengers who already tried to strip this ship for any "good stuff." there are three other cabins where finn can have his mental breakdowns, but they all seem way more run down and shitty (somehow) than the one that was sealed shut. welcome to your trash home. there might be some literal trash around. there's a ladder at the end of the hallway; it goes up to the cockpit if finn is feeling that adventurous in garbage land. there's good news, however, and it's that there are only rats in the galley.

meanwhile, in the background, poe is trying to at least transfer the data from the datapad to bb-8 (who is still here obviously) by telling him to come in the room, but bb-8 ... can't fit through the half-open door. he keeps rolling at it a couple times just to prove a point — the point is that dad's an idiot. so poe comes out of the room to find ... bb-8's usb port i guess. he takes a second to glance over at finn, though.]

You find anything? Probably not — nothing bad, right?

[don't tell him you found a gaping hole full of rats in one of the rooms. that's where the bar is. the bar is real low.]

[ damn. he could really go for extra will to live. his will to live machine is broke. but you know what, good luck to whoever took it with em. they probably earned it.

he still doesn't know anything about ship maintenance. at least he still knows what he knows. with their powers combined, and all that. ]

No bodies. No explosives. No squatters. [ a beat. ] Unless they're just out. But that's something that's actually easy to deal with.

[ dicks out for murder. there's definitely no way that would end in disaster. ]

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