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[followhim]

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WISH LIST

★ my dark au kink:
+ being captured by the first order and subjected to reconditioning
+ trying to turn him back with the power of gay love and friendship (and possibly failing)
+ he was always a first order tie fighter pilot instead of winter soldiered
+ poe and finn first order murder squad (dynamics if they were both stormtroopers? running away together?)
+ ^ part b: the fam that gets captured and reconditioned together… stays…together…
+ Interesting Dynamics with kylo and hux from dark aus


★ finn stuff
+ what will they do after the war? romantic vacations? homesteading? sending finn's spit to space 23andme?
+ infinite escape reimagining/aus, stormpilot escape room reigning champions

★ rey stuff
+ relationship of convenience because they're both In Denial
+ sith princess rey aus where he tries to save her and/or she turns him

★ kylo stuff
+ infinite interrogating/torture room reimagining/aus
+ ^ part b: stockholm syndrome?
+ We Need to Talk about Leia


★ general
+ honestly anything regarding leia (esp processing grief post-tros)
+ talking about his sketchy spice runner past (possibly playing things taking place during that time in his life?)
+ ^ same for things taking place during academy/new republic tbh
+ i love aus. modern aus, vampire aus, a/b/o aus, let's au the entire world
+ i prefer m/m for poe but am good with most ships

kinks if ya nasty

Comments

[umbraeternam]

Oh yes, she can fight it. She can fight and it will exhaust her, drain everything she has. And at her weakest it will come for her and tell her what she wants to hear. It will come for her and if she doesn't go willingly it will drag her kicking and screaming and take what it wants anyway.

[ It's hard to believe she's only talking about Rey with the subtle shift in her tone and the hint of pain in her eyes, not that either are conscious on her part.

Kylo sighs heavily when he brings up her mother, rolling her eyes. ]

It was on purpose, yes. I never wanted Leia to die. I... I would not see harm come to her if it can be avoided.

[ Don't ask her how she's going to manage that while still allowing the First Order to hunt down the Resistance because she doesn't have an answer to that yet.

She reaches for him again but this time she lightly takes his jaw in her hand so he can't turn away, locking her eyes on his. ]

I am what I need to be. The light would never have survived the things I've endured. You think you know the dark because I've been inside your head a few times... You don't know. You have no idea what it's like to have that presence clawing at you from before you can even recognize what it is. To feel like you're being torn apart, like your soul isn't even your own. Just a vessel for power. A tool in the eyes of others. [ Unintentionally her grip tightens as she speaks, but once she realizes it she lets go, taking a breath and a small step back. ] I don't know why I bother... you don't care. Your mind has been made up. All you see is a monster, like Rey.

And if that is how it's meant to be than I will be the monster, and you... you will be what I need you to be.

[followhim]

[ he wonders if he's doing the right thing here. if he's looking for something where there's nothing. this is not a well-thought effort. this is him clawing to find some goodness in kylo ren. somewhere, anywhere. latching on to whatever he saw that could be redeemable.

while he's working on this, everything about his is forgotten. i.e., how his jaw actually hurts a little from being gripped too hard. ]

You don't have to be! Prove me wrong. Prove Rey wrong. You — what do you think you're doing now? You think you're not hurting Leia right now? She wants you to come home.

[ AS ANNOYING AS IT WAS to have to admit that much, he knows it's true. he would do anything for leia, including and not limited to bringing kylo ren back to her. he only found out kylo ren was brianna essentially just now, but … if that was really the source of so much of her sadness, he wanted to try to fix it. maybe he could fix it.

(also, again: maybe he didn't have to get brainwashed.) ]

[umbraeternam]

I don't have to prove anything to anyone. [ She snaps, eyes narrowing. He might be trying to press her buttons to an extent, but there was no guarantee he would like the result he ultimately caused. ] Least of all to you or her.

[ The continued mentioning of her mother makes Kylo grit her teeth, feeling hurt wanting to well up inside her. All those emotions from the past that were supposed to be long buried or erased, supposed to be burned away by the darkness and 'training'. It doesn't help that her father had said something similar. Come home. They all made it sound like such a simple thing. Like there wasn't a galaxy primed and slowly in the process of regarding her the way they regarded Vader. ]

She wants Brianna to come home. She doesn't want -- [ Kylo makes a gesture at herself. ] -- this. What she wants is the girl that she herself sent away to her brother's care, because Skywalker could do no wrong. Well that girl doesn't exist anymore, and her brother is partly to blame.

[ Turning away, Kylo walks back to the window, crossing her arms over her chest as she works to reign back in her emotions. No, her mother didn't want her back. She wanted the idea of her daughter back, the child powerful in the Force from birth but desperate for guidance, for attention and affection that never came from busy parents. Swallowing, Kylo stares at the glass and her reflection. There was no way her mother wanted reality, or the truth. She certainly didn't think Leia wanted to hear how her precious hero brother had tried to kill her daughter out of fear. Especially not now that Luke was gone, destined to be remembered as a hero for giving the Resistance time to escape. The bastard had preyed upon Kylo's weakness, a weakness he gave her all those years ago when he caused her to fear her own family and proved some of Snoke's lies right. ]

because i'm easily enabled and we need something to satisfy those torture cravings rofl

[umbraeternam]

[ When Snoke was killed, some thought it might be the end of the First Order. That the Supreme Leader's apprentice was too young and untested to take his place, let alone manage anything close to the dark master's domination. The thing was... Snoke thought that too, right up until the end. That his apprentice was so well-trained, so subservient, so easily manipulated that she was naught but a tool meant to be wielded by another. She might as well have been a Force-sensitive akk dog on a chain with how he spoke of her even when she was there in the room.

Except the thing about treating a person like that, about putting them through immense suffering and pain in the name of fostering greater power with the intent to eventually consume that power, was that one of two things tended to happen. Either the person became broken and truly submissive to their tormentor, as Snoke had so clearly believed -- or they became strong enough to fully embrace that coveted power, choosing instead to devour the hand that held them down for so long.

If Snoke had been a dark shroud, arid black smoke slowly stretching and seeking to poison the galaxy, Kylo Ren was a violent storm of howling wind and vicious lightning. The wind might clear the air of smoke, but the lightning struck indiscriminately and the rain beat down relentlessly to wash away barriers in its way. One could not fight a storm; only yield to its will, succumb to the elements, or pray for it to pass.

Following a battle in the Mid-Rim, the surviving Resistance fighters manage to jump to the safety of their yet-unfound base, but one little bird couldn't quite break free of the whipping winds.

On board the Finalizer, Kylo hops out of her fighter, brushing past the flight crew to stride toward the X-wing that had been snared in the battlecruiser's tractor beam. Whoever the unlucky pilot was, they were soon to pay for the fact any of the Resistance managed to escape the fight with their lives.

When her senses catch on a slightly familiar energy it makes her pause, head tilting curiously, and then a decidedly dark smile breaks across her face. ]

Well well, what do we have here... [ Kylo all but purrs as troopers step aside, allowing her to finally lay eyes on the pilot that nearly all in the fleet knew of. The thorn in their side. The one who got away, no thanks to a traitor within their own ranks (a cautionary tale, to be sure, that was spread often with the heavy threat of what happens to traitors). She of course knows him more intimately, and her mind is already leaping ahead to think of what wonderful torment she can put Poe through. ]

flkdhjgdlk MORE TORTURE👌

[followhim]

[ he knew it was bad. he miscalculated, reflexes not quite fast enough, and now he was snared by the first order. there was no way this was going to end well for him. he remembered being captured the first time. he only made it out alive by the grace of the force. lightning wasn't going to strike twice; he knew better than to hope for another finn. there was hope and then there was delusion, that thought belonged firmly in the latter category.

they already pulled him out of his x-wing. (he had a brilliant plan to detonate his ship with himself inside that didn't make it to fruition.) kylo just barely missed that whole ordeal. taking away his blaster didn't stop him from trying to fight with his fists ... and then one of the troopers stunned him. it probably would have been worse if there wasn't an implied idea that kylo ren was going to get dibs on whatever was going to happen to him next.

so yeah, no, lying on the ground feeling weirdly numb was not how he wanted him reunion with kylo ren to go (he would have rather not had one at all.) ]

Nothing to see here.

[ like that's??? going to work??? that's the best he can come up with under this much duress. some slurred angry nonsense. ]

[followhim]

[ does he know what happened there, between brianna and luke? nope. not at all. something bad, clearly. he knows kylo isn't going to tell him what happened, so he doesn't bother trying to pry. not worth the energy. ]

Why not? Why can't you be the same? That's it, huh? You don't have to be the same. She knows you're not gonna be. But —

[ he can't find words for how angry he is. not even for himself, for leia. his expression shifts from one of disbelief to one of anger, brows furrowed and mouth a thin line. ]

I was right. You don't deserve her. She made mistakes, you made mistakes, and you don't even care. She'd forgive you, even though you don't deserve it. [ whoops let his bias slip in right there ] I know she would. But you don't care about anyone besides yourself. You don't care enough to try.

[ he can't even fathom it. not really. too blinded by his own loss — wanting his own mother back, being willing to forgive anything she could have done in the hypothetical future where he got to spend more time with her.

and leia, well, she somehow still kept giving him chances no matter how many stupid mistakes he made. sure, she demoted him after the dreadnought, but he deserved it. he understood. he knew it was from a place of love. probably. ]

[umbraeternam]

[ That dark smile is still on her face as she strolls up to where he lays, her gaze lazily sweeping over him. It's certainly a suitable place for him, helpless beneath her. Kylo makes herself smirk with the thought. ]

I see you haven't lost any of your attitude since we last met. A pity it's not going to help you, Dameron. [ Lifting her gaze, Kylo turns her focus momentarily to his ship, and she gestures to one of the troopers nearest the ship. ] Check and see if the ship's destination or last location are still in the navigation system, he may not have had time to delete it.

[ Her focus returns to Poe then and she nudges one leg with her boot, the way one might nudge a dead rat. Seemingly satisfied with how stunned he is at the moment, she crouches down next to him as her eyes settle on his face. ] It would certainly be quicker to get rid of the Resistance all at once, to find your current base and destroy it completely, but picking you off one by one has its merits.

[ A gloved hand reaches out to hover over his chest and she focuses until she can feel the pulse of his heartbeat against her palm. Her fingers curl just slightly as she reaches through the Force as if she were reaching to touch his heart within his chest and her power slowly constricts around it, making it more difficult for the muscle to keep pumping. All the while her gaze remains on his face. ]

Would you like to die now? I bet you would. A quick end to a reckless life, an escape from being in the hands of the enemy. [ She watches him for a few more moments before flexing her hand, the pressure in his chest and her power dissipating. ] No, you're not going to find relief in death, not until I decide it's time for your last breath.

[umbraeternam]

[ Trying to find calm is a struggle for her at best, ever since her turn to the dark side. It's gotten better since Snoke's death; no real surprise there, since now there was no longer anyone intruding in her mind or trying to manipulate her thoughts and emotions. Kylo wants that control because control was power, and she's determined to learn from Crait no matter how it bothers her.

But Poe just keeps going and going and -- ]

Enough!

[ She turns and casts a hand out, throwing out a wave of energy. It's a purely emotional response, a small burst bound to push him back a bit and knock him off his feet at most. She wasn't striking out to hurt, after all, she just wants Poe to stop.

And as she lowers her arm, eyes stinging, she catches on those surface thoughts of his. The thoughts of his own mother, of Leia. They remind her of what she saw in his mind before, how close he and Leia are, how much he cares for her. Kylo's throat tightens and the glare she pins him with is dark with hurt. ]

You say Leia wants me back, but why would she care when she's replaced me with you? I suppose next you're going to try and say that I'm hurting her by having you here. That I should let you go because of her. [ Kylo didn't think she cared but oh, she does. It's an unexpected heartache, one that only compounds the feelings of abandonment she's carried since she was young. Of course she would be replaced. Of course. ] And how do you think your own mother would feel if she were still around, knowing that you found someone else to fill her role?

[followhim]

[ it's not. the ship should be wiped. even if he hadn't had time to do it himself, he had bb-8, and bb-8 knew enough to wipe everything. (he didn't want to think about what was going to happen to bb-8.)

as she crouches over him, he scours at her, opens his mouth to respond —

— and then whatever retort he had dies on his lips as his attention shifts to the sudden pain in his chest. for a second he wonders if it's a side effect from the electro-prod, but that didn't make sense. the way kylo ren is look at him. it had to be her. the force? he can't spend much time wondering; his brain would rather redirect his attention to the sharpening chest pain, his breath going short, and the feeling of faintness that made it hard to focus on much of anything. ]

I — [ he flounders for a response before she lets her power over him go. he didn't want to actually admit it, but she wasn't wrong. given the choice of another round of interrogation/torture with no hope for escape or death, the choice was pretty clear. where his expression lost definition while being distracted over whether or not he was dying, it regains sharpness now, settling somewhere between anger and disgust.

he fights against the stun-induced paralysis enough to briefly lift his side off the ground — a 45-degree angle between lying and sitting, basically — and spits at kylo ren's feet before collapsing back down again. if you thought he was going to finish his sentence in the affirmative, you were wrong. there's only spiteful petty behavior here. ]

ty for reminding me of our favorite droid tho i feel horrible involving the little guy in this

[umbraeternam]

[ A brow raises slightly at his little act of defiance as she straightens to stand. She doesn't care about the action itself but more how he fought against the paralysis, even if he could only manage it briefly. Something to experiment with, perhaps. But not right then.

No, right then she was lifting a foot to rest her boot square on his chest as she stares down at him. A little physical pressure to add to the likely lingering discomfort in his chest. ]

"The ship computers have been wiped clean, but --"

[ The trooper gets interrupted by a series of familiar beeps, several other troopers trying to wrangle BB-8, said troopers having surrounded the droid at the other end of the ship but keeping some distance as BB-8 was shocking any who got vaguely close.

Kylo half turns to look back at the commotion, digging her heel slightly into Poe's chest. ]

Ah yes, the infamous droid. Quit toying with it. I want the data core extracted before it's deactivated. [ Would she have the droid outright destroyed? The jury's out on that decision. ]

i tried to keep bb-8 out all all the other threads to protect him but i couldn't here weeps

[followhim]

[he's flat on his back with her boot pressed against his chest -- which feels like it's on fire -- but none of it matters. he completely forgets himself. everything around him dulls and grays out because all he can hear is bb-8 beeping and shocking people.

he tries to keep his reaction contained. kylo would still know how he was feeling (like he was being torn apart), but at least it would only be her.

but he can't. it was irrational, treating bb-8 like a person. wanting to say goodbye to a collection of parts and programming. but bb-8 was real to him. he's not even thinking of all the data the first order could gain from him, he's thinking of his friend. rationality doesn't exist here.

(letting him go off with the map was different. he could still hope then. there was no hope here.)

he jerks his head to where bb-8 is fighting off the troopers and calls out ]

BB-8!!

[ he doesn't know what else to say. what else he could say. not here and now. not "i love you," of all the stupid things. but he knew bb-8 already knew that. hoped it. bb-8 beeps back, and tries to roll towards him. i can't believe this is the saddest thing i've ever written in my entire life. ]

Be brave, okay buddy?

[ everything hurts so much. physically and emotionally. when did he start crying, that's weird. ]

i am so so sorry for this ;_; at least it's not *as* evil as it could be

[umbraeternam]

[ Kylo can feel the emotion coming off of him in waves. It's a heady cocktail and she actually closes her eyes for the briefest of moments, soaking it in. So much pain and anguish. She's felt it from him before of course but this is different. Sweeter in its sorrow. This is the kind of emotion that can't be faked because it comes from a pure place, one of love and genuine care.

How kind of Poe to give her his primary weakness without her having to lift a finger to take it from him.

She steps away from him and turns to approach the scene with purposeful strides. There was nothing she could physically do to him right then that would resonate the way harm to his precious droid would. Who was she to ignore the obvious?

Droids might not be able to feel the Force but they were certainly susceptible to it, and she lifts the brightly-colored ball of metal several feet in the air as she lifts her hand. Stopping to stand among the weary troopers, she looks up at the protesting droid, regarding BB-8 quietly. She could destroy it now if she really wanted to; she can just imagine how it might emotionally destroy Poe, and that makes it tempting. In the past she would have done it without further thought. However, any potential data -- whether in regards to the Resistance or the pilot himself -- held far more value than the torment it would cause Poe.

Of course, just because she wasn't going to destroy it didn't mean she wasn't going to be cruel. Which is precisely what she aims for as she flicks her wrist and forcefully launches the droid into the wall, visibly denting the wall in the process. ]

Contain it and get it to the astromech department before I rip out the data myself. [ She commands impatiently, watching as a squad of troopers moves to obey. ]

[followhim]

[ when bb-8 is lifted up, his body still spinning and treading the air, poe flat-out forgets how to breathe. he's bracing himself for it; he's bracing himself for kylo ren to use the force to smash his droid into pieces and he doesn't think he can watch. 

and then she just flings him into the wall. he exhales. it was still horrible, his eyes are still glassy, but he didn't have to watch whatever was going to happen to bb-8 next.

it's only after, when the troopers start to cart the droid off, that poe considers how much information bb-8 has. not only a database of resistance information, but a database of himself. logs he kept, files about himself and even his parents that he uploaded. holos of himself and his friends (why did bb record so many of rey and finn? he doesn't know). all that information, ranging the whole spectrum from vital to innocuous, going to the first order for kylo ren and any other first order officers to sort through.

a different, nauseous kind of dread settles in the pit of his stomach.

he doesn't say anything, but he doesn't need to because the way he's lying there feeling dead inside and hopeless speaks volumes. ]

[followhim]

[ he gets knocked off his feet (still wearing restraints didn't give him much of an opportunity to brace himself), but he's not worried about it. it doesn't really register for him. he's too busy feeling his own hurt emotions.

as much as he was willing to go to bat for leia, he had a chink in his armor regarding her and kylo went straight for it.

he knew he'd never replace brianna. he didn't expect to, he couldn't ask that of her, but when he thought of some scenario in the future where kylo would turn and brianna would come home…

where would that leave him? she'd have no more void left to fill. no more use for him. ]

I wouldn't say that. For being her daughter, you don't understand much about her.

[ leia was a pragmatist, first and foremost. that's how she could endure loss after loss, he imagined. they didn't have the men or resources for a rescue mission. if she was hurt by that awful holo he was forced to be part of … she'd bury it, probably. ]

And my mom, she's — she wouldn't want me to be alone. If she were here, I wouldn't have to be. You don't know anything.

[ yep, he lost whatever tenuous advantage he had. going for shara bey decimated his ability to reason. his own anger and hurt bleeds out. ]

[umbraeternam]

You're right, I don't. [ The words are heavy as they fall from her lips. Did he expect her to deny it? Kylo's known that truth since she was a teenager at least. ] She was too busy being a senator to even try to be a mother.

[ There's a part of her that wants to lash out at Poe for making her feel this way, for bringing all these emotions to the surface and reminding her of all the hurt that would never truly heal. Reminding her of the pain that had partially driven her toward the dark.

And yet she doesn't.

Because it's not Kylo Ren, torturer and murderer, standing there. It's just a young woman whose heart still ached for a life she was never given the opportunity to have and parents who were never there when she wanted or needed them to be. ]

Why don't you tell me how much I don't know. Tell me about the woman who couldn't make time for her own flesh and blood but made plenty of time for you. I'd love to hear it. [ Her tone clearly says the opposite. ]

[followhim]

[ maybe it was easier to turn a blind eye to leia's shortcomings because she wasn't really his mother. they were closer than a solider and a superior officer, sure. it was known that she showed favoritism towards him, and he would go to the ends of the galaxy for her ...

but at the end of the day he still had his own mother. the shadow of one. an emptiness inside him that he could almost forget sometimes. sometimes, until he remembered and felt the pain of the loss all over again. an unending cycle since his childhood.

that's what he's feeling now, more than anything. more than any of his feelings for leia — which is a deep well in and of itself. ]

It's not like that.

[ their relationship wasn't like that. leia wasn't like that. he doesn't know how to condense all those feelings into words. well, into words that he would be willing to give to kylo ren, of all people.

he doesn't want to admit to himself that he knew leia wasn't coming for him. they were close, but the resistance always came first. ]

I'm not telling you anything. You don't even wanna know, why bother?

[ shara bey would have went back for him. ]

[umbraeternam]

No? Because the thoughts and feelings I got from you before would have me believe she cares for you like her own. You certainly seem to look to her that way.

[ It's interesting, seeing him this way. That's what Kylo thinks in a distant corner of her mind unaffected by her emotions. Earlier she spoke of armor, true, but she had expected more of fight to remove any of it. When she summoned him this day, she certainly hadn't expected... this.

He's hurt. She doesn't need the Force to see and feel it. But she draws little satisfaction from it. Knowledge perhaps, but not satisfaction. How odd.

Kylo turns away, back to the window, and falls silent. She doesn't want to think about any of this. About what she lost, about what she never had, about what could have been. It doesn't matter. She can't change anything, none of this changes anything.

After several minutes she's speaking again, voice quieter. There's almost hesitation in the question that comes and she's not sure if she really wants him to answer it. ]

Does she ever speak of me?

[umbraeternam]

[ As she returns to where Poe still lays on the floor, she takes note of his emotions. The way it appears like for once the fight has left him. There's a certain satisfaction in seeing how much effect a simple action can have. Although a smaller part of her is irked because his present state is caused by an indirect action and not something she directly did to him.

Ah well, there would be plenty of time for her to invoke that sense of hopelessness in him by her own hands, among other emotions.

Once near him Kylo lifts a hand, using the Force to bring Poe to his feet in front of her. ]

That droid of yours has lots of secrets locked away inside, doesn't it? Such a wonderful present for you to bring me. I do have to wonder, though, which would hurt you more? The little droid's destruction... or having its memory wiped and re-calibrating the behavior core. Those BB droids are just so useful around here.

[ A devious grin curves her lips as she speaks, and once she's done she nods to the troopers hovering nearby, two of them stepping up to grab Poe by his arms as she releases her hold on him. ]

Take him to interrogation. We wouldn't want him to be too comfortable while we head back to the Supremacy.

[followhim]

[ honestly, he didn't know which would be worse. they were both bad. erasing his personality was just as bad as destroying him completely. he would still be lost one way or the other. wiped out.

he could plead for bb-8's life ("life"?), but what use was that? what would that accomplish? they barely cared about his well-being, let alone a droid's.

that was it. that was going to be the last time he ever saw bb-8. (his bb-8, the way he was.) it's a lot to process.

back in reality and not his headspace, being unable to move (except in the broadest, most tenuous strokes if he exerted himself) was bad enough, but being moved by the force while already immobilized was even more awful somehow. ]

Oh yeah, I'm sure you're real worried about my comfort.

[ he found a tiny little ounce of bravado inside himself. was it a good retort? did it even make sense? not really, but it's the thought that counts. ]

[followhim]

[ she went straight for the mommy issues! how can he have protective mental armor when they are both just giant balls of mommy issues. ]

No.

[ the word doesn't come with malice. it's less sharp than it might have been a minute ago. he didn't want to feel sorry for kylo ren, but he does. kind of. a little bit. ]

Not really. But she doesn't -- she's not the type of person to talk about stuff like that. She keeps it inside. At Han's funeral, she said we have to save our sorrow for after the fight. I guess that's what she's doing. Saving it all up.

[ at that point he purses his lips, thinking about how

a) kylo ren was the cause of that sorrow for killing han, and also

b) brianna was the cause of other sorrow for being a crappy daughter.

the well of sympathy dries up. even when leia hurt him in some way, his loyalty was always going to be to her first. ]

[umbraeternam]

[ Kylo doesn't know why but that hurts. It hurts. More than being struck by a lightsaber. Those were wounds and scars she could heal. The Force was no help with emotional damage.

She sort of hums a thoughtful noise at his words. It's all the reply that can be managed at the moment when her throat is tight and she doubts words would come out if she opened her mouth. This wasn't supposed to matter. It wasn't even supposed to be something she knew how to care about anymore. Why did it matter if the woman who so easily sent her away didn't speak of her or about her? Why did it matter if she had been replaced? Why did she care if the only family left alive seemed to not acknowledge her to others?

(Kylo can't say Leia doesn't acknowledge her at all because she felt it, that shared recognition when, even with the boundary of space and ships between them, they had been the closest to each other they had ever been in likely over a decade. It's a sensation Kylo can't stop thinking about. Almost more so now that she knows Leia is alive and there's a chance, a possibility, that it might not be the last time she ever senses her mother.)

The darkness in her loathes every moment of this. Not the emotion and pain itself because both were fuel for the flames, but this... this vulnerability. The profound sadness and ache that's rooted in the past, in the light. It rips her up inside, the eternal battle between the two sides, and not for the first time she wonders if some day it won't literally tear her apart when her body is too beaten and worn down to contain the Force any longer. In her lowest moments, when pain and torment threatened to shatter her mind, she had wished it would happen. That the Force in its entirety would claim her and she could finally find peace in her own destruction, and hopefully the destruction of Snoke as well.

Lost in thought and emotion, she doesn't know how long she's quiet for. At some point silent tears begin to fall but Kylo stands motionless, arms across her chest. She almost forgets about Poe, to be honest. He's just kind of there, in her peripheral, like the presence of the Knight still dutifully outside the door making sure they're undisturbed. ]

[followhim]

[ even if he wanted to do anything for her (he doesn't), he can't get up from where he was knocked off his feet and onto the ground. so. that's great. everyone's having a good time.

he really wished she'd stop crying. so much crying. it made it harder to hate her, or even take her seriously as an enemy. it was a universally relatable concept, maybe. crying because you felt like your parent didn't care about you.

but-- ]

Don't you get it? This is your fault. You made this mess. But you could fix it. Instead of sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. If you really care about her and what she thinks of you, you'd go back.

[umbraeternam]

You're right, my unborn self asked for this burden, how could I forget.

[ The words weren't as biting and sarcastic as she would have liked them to be once Poe's voice pulls her from her thoughts. There was no heat to the words at all. A tinge of bitterness perhaps, mixed in with the hurt that overpowers most every other of her emotions at the moment.

But he couldn't be expected to understand. He didn't know what it was like to be able to wield the Force at all, or to be descended from those meant to fulfill prophecies.

The Balance. It probably sounded like a wonderful concept to everyone else. Kylo isn't sure if she even understands it anymore. She's never felt balance, not even when training in the light, back before Luke earned her fury. It seems a novel concept, thought up by those who've never known what it's like to feel the pull of either side, let alone both at once. ]

It doesn't matter. [ She takes a breath, holds it for a moment before letting out, ignoring how it still shakes. ] It doesn't matter. There's nothing to fix or go back to.

[ One hand finally comes up to wipe at her cheeks and she glances over at Poe, regarding him quietly before she turns and walks over to where he is on the ground. But rather than strike out at him, either physically or with the Force, all she does when she stops next to him is to offer him a hand to help him up.

If there was any doubt over which side of her is most present at the moment, that certainly indicates it's not the darker part. ]

I suppose I should be thankful Leia found someone she could rely on even if it wasn't her own blood. Force knows Han was never reliable other than to provide disappointment.

[followhim]

[ instead of taking her hand, he holds up his cuffed together wrists, as if to say "this is how you could really help me." he can dare to dream.

he immediately has a reply to that ... but he doesn't want to give it to her. talking with her casually would suggest that he was giving her some kind of chance. which he wasn't. the capability to feel emotions didn't excuse her from anything she did to him or to the rest of the galaxy.

especially when she didn't think there was anything to fix or go back to. maybe she thought things were that bad with leia. he doesn't know. but he does know that she has the benefit of having a living mother to have that chance with. not that he's bitter.

(he didn't realize he could be this bitter until he was faced with kylo ren's perceived ungratefulness.) ]

I disappoint her plenty.

[ there. he said it. whatever, it was true. he can still see the stars from when she slapped him like it was yesterday. ]

[umbraeternam]

[ She lightly rolls her eyes and grabs hold of the metal between his wrists, hauling him to his feet. While he may have been earning... not trust, no part of her would call it that, but certainly something, getting her to talk about things she never talked about with anyone else didn't necessarily earn him any kind of freedom.

His reply makes her tilt her head slightly as she looks at him. ]

Perhaps. But you wouldn't cut and run. Judging by how much fight you have I don't think it's in you to do that, to give up on those you care about and turn away from them. [ She pauses, not sure how she feels about the impression she has, but she decides to voice it anyway. Might as well at this point. ] She obviously has faith in you, and trust, given the sort of missions she's entrusted you with. She must feel you can be counted on, regardless of the disappointments you mention.

[ It hurts, stings, but Kylo almost wants to understand. To see what it is Leia really wanted and couldn't find in her own child. (Because clearly whatever Brianna had been lacking her mother found in Poe, or so her mind is presently convinced.) ]