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[followhim]

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[followhim]

i'm not COMPLETELY sure but i think this whole thing is kind of a sex thing

[forcevisions]

[ there's a long pause here while she types and deletes a few things. ]

what

[followhim]

i saw part of the gym that i think is all sex stuff. it's like a sex gym

and don't you think it's weird that we have roommates but we only have one bed?

[forcevisions]

We shared a bed in Drakstaden and in Hanabira and it wasn't for sex!!!

[ also relevant, neither of those places had sex gyms. she just feels like she needs to point it out. ]

What do we do?

Do you think everyone else knows?

Is my roommate going to try to have sex with me???

[followhim]

that was different!!! nobody was making us do it.

we can't go back to hathaway, can we? and we can't go home.

i don't know. did we all show up together? if everybody doesn't know yet, we're all gonna soon.

maybe? i haven't met mine yet. we could say no and just share the bed.

[forcevisions]

I'm not splitting that bed with some stranger in a sex facility. You can forget it. I'll sleep on the floor, thanks.

[ no mixed signals. okay. fine. she's being perhaps excessive about this. she needs to wheel it back and try to be reasonable and — ]

We can't go back.

[ their method of arrival LEFT. big time left. ]

But Poe, I don't know if I can do this. I mean, I've never done this.

[followhim]

me either! it's not like i

oh wait

you mean

ever?

[forcevisions]

No!!!

I mean, there were people on Jakku who did. For extra portions or parts. I know how it works. But I've never had anyone.

[ Half true. She'd wanted to, honestly. That makes the shame burn deeper. She'd wanted to, and Ben ... hadn't. Would this be more or less of an issue, she wonders, if she were grappling with that instead? ]

[followhim]

hey. look. it's gonna be okay. we'll get through this. we can just

we don't have to stay forever, right? we'll figure it out.

if it makes you feel any better, i've never had sex with a woman. lots of other sex, but. you know. not like that.

there are probably going to be women here. i mean, you're here

you know what i mean

what if they make me

[forcevisions]

Why would they make you unless they were trying to






I'm sure they won't make you.

[ let's not start breeding kink talk on day one. ]

[followhim]

you don't know that

what if my roommate is a woman

are we both gonna sleep outside

[forcevisions]

You can sleep on the floor too.

[followhim]

i don't like any of this

[forcevisions]

How do you think I feel?

[ Trying so hard to be calm. So hard. She didn't want it to be a stranger for a fucking clinical study. She wanted it to be with someone she felt close to. She wanted it to be Ben. She's not going to fuckiNG CRY about this right now. No. She's going to suck it up and survive. ]

[followhim]

we can both feel the same way!

[ it's not as much of a Thing as it is to her but, you know. he didn't know what he was getting into here, either. he wasn't like hell yeah i'm gonna bang disease out of the galaxy. there's a lot to unpack here. ]

[forcevisions]

[ she bites down on a whole lot of various feelings at that point. she doesn't want to spew them all over him because (a) it sounds self-pitying and (b) it doesn't change that, yes, he is upset too and that is valid. but she just keeps cycling between 'i managed to get off of jakku without doing this' and 'i had just barely gotten close to someone for the first time in my life and now i'm losing my choice to this.' ]

I know.

I'm sorry. I'm just afraid.

[followhim]

it's okay.

look, it's like i said. we're in this together. we'll figure it out. we're gonna get through it. okay?

[forcevisions]

I just wish I'd thought about it. Or known, or something.

There are things I would have asked Hayame. But I can't now. She's not here.

[followhim]

yeah, would've been nice to know a little more about what we were getting into. bet that's how they snag so many people. you know, being real vague about it.

you can ask me? unless it's girl stuff

[forcevisions]

Maybe girl stuff. I don't know what I don't know. Does that make sense?

[ it feels insufficient. ]

I didn't even bleed until I joined ALASTAIR, you know. I didn't know it was supposed to be regular. The doctors in Oska said it was because of my diet.

[ is that tmi? he did say not to ask him girl stuff. she's doing it anyway. ]

[followhim]

[ poe: oh no that's already more than i wanted to know, that sure was fast
poe: whatever I AM THE MOST SUPPORTIVE FRIEND DAMN IT ]

oh. uh. is that bad? that's bad, right? so you're better now? that's a good thing.

[forcevisions]

Inconvenient, but I guess a good thing.

But that's what I mean. I feel like I missed out on knowing how to feel about things like that.

[ Then, after a considerable delay. Yeah no she can't bottle this up anymore. Welcome to Kylo Ren Sexual Trauma Hour. ]

What if no one wants me? Will they get rid of me?

[followhim]

what? rey, no. someone's gonna want you. you're beautiful. and sweet. and great.

[ poe dameron: smoothest man in the galaxy. (smoother than kylo ren anyway) ]

i'd want you.

[ he doesn't know how to say "i'll bone you if nobody else will!!" without sounding like a jerk, but he tried his best. ]

[forcevisions]

You just got done telling me how afraid you are that they'll make you have sex with a woman, Poe. You don't have to pretend to make me feel better.

[followhim]

i would TRY it if it was the right person!

it's not like i don't like women

i've just never liked one that much. not enough to get close like that

you get it, right? it's not like you wanna be forced into something you don't know anything about and then you feel like bantha shit right off the bat because you didn't do it right.