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WISH LIST
★ my dark au kink:
+ being captured by the first order and subjected to reconditioning
+ trying to turn him back with the power of gay love and friendship (and possibly failing)
+ he was always a first order tie fighter pilot instead of winter soldiered
+ poe and finn first order murder squad (dynamics if they were both stormtroopers? running away together?)
+ ^ part b: the fam that gets captured and reconditioned together… stays…together…
+ Interesting Dynamics with kylo and hux from dark aus
★ finn stuff
+ what will they do after the war? romantic vacations? homesteading? sending finn's spit to space 23andme?
+ infinite escape reimagining/aus, stormpilot escape room reigning champions
★ rey stuff
+ relationship of convenience because they're both In Denial
+ sith princess rey aus where he tries to save her and/or she turns him
★ kylo stuff
+ infinite interrogating/torture room reimagining/aus
+ ^ part b: stockholm syndrome?
+ We Need to Talk about Leia
★ general
+ honestly anything regarding leia (esp processing grief post-tros)
+ talking about his sketchy spice runner past (possibly playing things taking place during that time in his life?)
+ ^ same for things taking place during academy/new republic tbh
+ i love aus. modern aus, vampire aus, a/b/o aus, let's au the entire world
+ i prefer m/m for poe but am good with most ships
kinks if ya nasty
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I mean, it's not — it's not like that. I guess, I mean, I could've figured something out. But I wanted to stay. So I didn't.
[ he clears his throat before moving on to his next conversation topic. he's put more thought into this than whatever the fuck just happened, at least. ]
I've been thinking. About where we could go. Eventually. I think ... maybe I'm just gonna go home for awhile. We can go home. If you decide you don't wanna fight for the Resistance, it'll be okay. You'll have a place and my dad's gonna be there and ... it'll be fine. It'll all work out.
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I won't say it will, but I won't say it won't, either. [ he's pretty sure it probably won't. but he's way too burnt out for cynical arguments. all it does is drag poe down with him. then they both sit on the ground for like four days at a time. bad for productivity tbh.
compromise in the star wars universe. ]
You'd really just take me home with you.
[ how does any human possibly carry this level of soft emotions. finn is bad at expressing that shit across the full memory board.
deep down on the inside, part of finn is in a constant state of non-meltdown crisis about it. he could die for poe and/or bb-8 probably? there's nothing to die from, so that's super out the window most of the time. wtf. how do you repay huge emotional life debts. he's good at dying for stuff, crying, and theoretically could do murders. those are his big three.
the thought train hasn't stopped at "yeah hey am i supposed to be giving you the succ for this or killing someone specific for you or something, bc you can't make it the catch without saying so first" station. i probably can't promise that the train will never arrive there in this psl's full timeline but im glad it hasn't because poe is a good and i love him. ]
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time to look down at the hand pile contemplatively. he didn't bounce these thoughts off anyone (i.e., bb-8, who else would he even??), so he has no idea how any of this sounds to anyone who isn't him.
gentle disbelief is good, right? as far as the finn reaction spectrum goes. that seems to be a pretty steady baseline. ]
Yeah. Maybe it's not the best plan, but it's the one I've got. I know it's gonna be safe there. That way, you know, like I said. I don't want you to feel like you've gotta fight if you don't want to. Or worry about being a liability. That way, if I wanna go back, I can go back.
[ those words, his own words, sound weird to him. he had a lot of time to think about how not great being lost and directionless feels. of course he should go back. why is this even up for debate? his (real) mom would slap him for even thinking of standing by and doing nothing when the galaxy needs him.
but he already made the choice. finn already asked him what would happen if finn didn't want to go back, and he said he'd stay with him. was it wrong to go back on that, even if he figured out a workaround? what kind of person was he if he already made a choice like that and then tried to take it back?
it wasn't like he'd forgotten what the consequences would be, either. with no contact since he left, maybe everyone figured he was dead by now. went off and got himself killed with his typical brand of brave stupidity. if he did go back, he was hoping that would soften things. in the sense that everyone would be so happy he's still alive, he wouldn't get demoted quite so many ranks. ]
And then if I do go back and you don't, you won't be alone. I know my dad won't let anything happen to you.
[ has he thought about what a fun conversation literally any of this with kes dameron is going to be? no. well, he got as far as "he will not be happy that i decided to abandon my principles and go awol," but not to the part where he'd have to be like "but i did it for this stormtrooper i kidnapped who is now wearing mom's ring and is clearly working through some trauma right now, if i go back to my principles you will have to carry on my h/c fanfic without me."
however, he comes from two selfless yeets, so he's betting for the best outcome on this one. ]
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there's something legitimately touching about this idea even though he can't put his finger on exactly what about it is so touching. poe just like, has a home he could go to and he'd bring his weird kidnapped stormtrooper with him and give him a place to stay. like it matters so much to him to make sure he keeps the option to choose whatever on the table.
not having to fight has never been an option before. ]
Who makes sure nothing happens to you?
[ if they make it there and poe does decide to go back, would he want to stay behind? is it kosher to jump into a fight that terrifies you if it's just to follow one person through it? finn doesn't want to think about it while it's not a real thing happening. ]
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he's still trying to figure out what to do with that when his mouth opens, then just sort of hangs open for a second while he tries to formulate some kind of response. being hit with feelings goes both ways??? ]
I make sure nothing happens to me. [ AND BEFORE HIS SON CAN TRY TO TAKE OFF HIS LEG AGAIN ] And BB-8. But, you know, I've got me, I've got my squadron. [ what's left of them ... ] Don't worry about me. I can make it through anything. I made it this far, right?
[ shaky take-off but smooth landing. the opposite of how so many of his recent actual flights have went. ]
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I care more about what you're gonna do than what you already did. But I guess it says something that you're not dead. [ poe has a point and it's a good one. the worrying will not cease. ofc poe's worrying also won't cease, he's pretty sure. so like. at least they're gonna break even on it. ]
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[ he acts like he's about to get all offended and just into An Argument, but he's not. it's more like he's still trying to figure out what to do with these feelings he didn't think he was going to get in return for his own. but, honestly ... ]
I don't even know what I'm gonna do. I mean, I might go back. I should go back. But I don't know if I can.
[ another beat passes while his brain struggles to transfer his emotions into actual words. he is better at actions than words. you might thinks he's good at gay words, but that's only the "here's an inspirational speech to lift you up." he is less good at romantic declarations. ]
You know, my parents retired before the war was over. My mom kind of went with my dad. But with my dad, it wasn't so much that he wanted to. Han Solo got him honorably discharged. Because he was doing all this reckless, suicidal stuff on missions, right, and not thinking about how he had a family.
Not that — you're not — I'm not trying to — [ WHAT. ARE. WORDS. ] Do you get what I'm saying?
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[ He's putting his bets on it being an important and very soft sentiment. And Poe trying to say that he's important to him.
There's something in there that he understands without knowing what it is, exactly. It's the story of half of what Poe says. Things he doesn't know that part of him still tries to recognize. ]
But I did notice you doing some pretty reckless, suicidal stuff. Hard to miss it.
[ And to think it started well before the part where Poe kicked in the holding cell door like HEY PAL I'M HERE TO SAVE YOU. ]
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that was the previous sentiment, anyway. not the one he's clumsily trying to express to finn right now. ]
What I'm trying to say is that sometimes the stuff we fight for changes. Just because the stuff is smaller doesn't mean it's less important. And maybe that's what's more important to me right now. [ and just in case finn needs to have what he's already realized at this point that spelled out for him — ] You're important to me. And I'm not just gonna leave you.
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people don't break into and out of star destroyers for things that aren't important somehow.
it's very much not 'keep up and do what you're told or get left behind'. ]
Not to be selfish or anything, but you're the only important thing I have. So I'd like it if you didn't just leave, yeah.
[ which includes dying, which he'll put in the 50 shades of gray style blood pact i guess. also he doesn't actually care if that was selfish. he has one whole person, that overrules everything else. it's math. ]
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part of him — and no small part of him, either — wonders if this ... is wrong? being the only important thing is a lot of responsibility. especially when he knows that there are other people who would be important to finn, like, right over there. just over there.
but they're not here. they didn't go on this stupidly high-risk rescue mission. they aren't here now. later, after they made it out of the dumpster and onto yavin 4, he could text rey and rose like "what's up, finn and i are alive if you wanna stop and say hi." if they make it that far. gotta take this one day at a time.
meanwhile, the other part of him that isn't consumed with whether or not it's wrong is screaming and crying because finn said "you're the only important thing that i have" and that's a lot more than "stop giving me things i'm leaving bye forever." this entire conversation was just a slow build to that point, but they made it. now they arrived. ]
Okay. I won't.
[ he just lets that hang there. no weird awkward foot in mouth follow-up explanations. no high-key gay elaboration on how much finn means to him and that's why he won't leave. sometimes you just gotta let your words be words. gonna go FULL TILT. there it is. solved. done. he won't.
he will lunge for another hug, though. and then just stay locked in that sort of uncomfortable hugging while sitting down next to someone position. stay there until he dies. why bother hugging hugs that aren't going to last forever. those are the only hugs that get to exist down here in junk town. ]
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the idea of hugs from other people sounds weird. a lot of stuff sounds weird, though.
"okay. i won't." is an easy thing to doubt. for all that it's not an outright promise, it carries the weight of one. pretty much anything in the galaxy, external or internal, could swoop in and make it moot. the first order could kick their way in right now somehow and make this a murder party. poe could change his mind. it could be that the second he 100% feels a trust and capitalizes on it, it'll turn out someone was only waiting for the most prime opportunity to ruin everything. it'll all mysteriously go up in smoke and phasma will be there like "fam you are making this a million times worse on yourself than it has to be".
but consider: finn is tired, and poe really is the most important thing that he has. the most important thing that found him. whatever. at a certain point he runs up into his own brick wall of bullshit so much that he doesn't even bother registering it for a while.
so he hugs poe back even though it's a weird position, because he also knows how to commit to sparkle motion. ]
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he pulls away when he's had his fill (for the moment), it's time to broach something that he avoided when finn ran away (which was actually kind of a relief literally only in that sense), but it's time now. here it is. he swallows before speaking. ]
I don't really know if it's the right time for it, but I'm tired. Probably gonna sleep. I'm not trying to kick you out, though. You can stay.
[ he would like for him to stay. it might be a bad idea, but he wants it anyway. ]
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[ so yeah, he gets it. for all they know it's like 3am. or 3pm. but at this point any sleep that either of them tries to get is pretty much a depression nap. therefore time doesn't matter anymore.
welcome to finn town 2.0 where thinking about boundaries has become just as useless as personal space. he doesn't even bother. sounds legit to him. ]
I'll stay. [ it's too quiet out there. if he gets in on the depression nap action, which he's presently debating, it's not gonna be all that restful without some sounds from Any Other Living Person. might as well go all in. ] It's fine. Better to sleep while you can.
[ give him ten seconds to realize he's still actively holding hands like otters and that that probably gets in the way of any person managing to lie down. tbh. he's thinking about it even less than the idea of personal space. ]
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he peels away fully (which is the worst sensation, honestly — going from the warm sensation of human contact back to cold and empty air), to trying to rearrange himself around finn. because why would he ask him to get up either, i guess. he couldn't possibly do that. instead, he moves back until he can get his entire body on the bed without kicking finn in the face, then moves further back until he's against the wall. these are not smooth gymnast-like moves, either. but he manages.
the bed, realistically, is twin bed-sized. maybe slightly bigger than a twin. either way what i'm trying to say here is that there is not going to be a lot of room for space jesus during this depression nap. ]
I think there's enough room. There's enough room, right?
[ he sure is an optimist. the very thirsty optimist, an adult book by eric carle. ]
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on one hand part of finn is going how are we going to legit survive anything in an operation like this. another part of him finds the whole ordeal kind of endearing. if finn used words like endearing.
as someone currently in a twin bed i can confirm through my real world testing: space jesus could only third wheel it from the desk chair. finn sort of scoffs. it's not a laugh but there's 100% an amused edge to it. ]
Am I sleeping with you?
[ is this about the depression nap or is it how he segues into "if the mysterious second shoe i'm waiting to see drop on this too-good-to-be-true situation is sexual favors......... then you're really bad at negotiating, PS no, go change back out of your dom jeans".
it's the former. ftr. i mean he's dumb but he's not stupid so he knows it's potentially not the best wording in the world once it's left his mouth?? he just doesn't care enough to tack on a "Not Like That". they've had cry sessions together and held hands and stuff, he's pretty much past the embarrassment stage. if he weren't he wouldn't have survived any part of this friendship establishment. ]
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no, that's dumb. finn couldn't have meant it that way. he was definitely asking the surface-level version of that question, where sleeping literally means sleeping. he's the jerk for thinking about the other way in the first place. take a cold sonic, dameron. ]
If you want to. You don't have to. [ maybe he should clarify? is this about to be a comedy of misunderstandings? ]
The other rooms are stripped bare, though. You've got floor and more floor to choose from. But if you don't want to, we could take turns.
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finn is 100% not emotionally prepared for that. for the record. poe is wise beyond his years. and finn is putting that "you don't have to" in his file of "you don't have to"s. he's hoarding them to make like that wolverine meme where he touches the photo frame.
he thinks about it. sleeping in the same room as someone is basically a whole trust. but poe is also willing to put a trust in the collective trust pot on this one. that helps. and if poe transforms into a scooby doo villain after doing literally nothing harmful or purposefully bad ever, finn is pretty sure he could punch him in the face very hard. ]
It's fine. [ the big mood is agreeing to stuff because the idea doesn't offend you and also you kind of wanna be around to see what bullshit your one friend does next. putting together the red string conspiracy theory about what wild stuff you must have gotten up to with him for him to go the full rescue nine yards. he's living a life of unanswered questions because he hasn't straight-up asked the questions yet. ] If I don't like it, I'll move.
[ that's for his own benefit of having said it and sort of for poe's benefit just so he's not thinking about it too much. time to Make Room For Finn, master of waiting for things to go horribly wrong so that he can say he knew it would. ]
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[ it is very hard for him to leave it at "okay" and not just literally spit out a string of emojis irl ( 😍😬😭💦🙌🧡🌈) (if anakin skywalker can speak binary in a deleted prequel scene i believe in poe's ability to speak emojis) in response to the hearty agreement that is "it's fine," but he manages.
he manages also to keep all of his emotions in check. he straight up wrangled finn and turned him into a teddy bear in the other thread, how is he supposed to be a polite gentleman in this one, huh. how. he's trying, though. so hard. there's a lot of behind the scenes emotional labor on poe's part happening here. anyway, he moves as far back as he can against the wall to accommodate finn's existence. ]
There's not a lot of space, so ... we'll have to sleep real close.
[ how do you say "we're gonna have to spoon at fuckin least" when you're a tsundere potato. ]
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finn: yeah fuck it i'm tired yeet
he kicks his boots off like sort of a gentleman though. like, he's not sure if he kicks in his sleep. he's never had to find out. it's an adventure. it's.......
honestly it's kind of weird not having the boots on and he's not sure about it, but even if a vagabond gets past bb-8 and shows up to stab them, would they go for his feet anyway. get it together, finn. ]
I noticed. [ spatial reasoning: he has it when he's not crying, but don't put money on it every time. was poe saying he didn't notice? no, he's probably just being polite. because surprise surprise..... surprises are Bad. finn horizontalizes himself. he tries to sort of leave room for poe to not have to fuse with the wall to survive? it's gonna be a balancing act. but they can do this. it's teamwork. ] If you don't like it, I'll move.
[ he forgot to add that to the thing he said before. now his bases are covered.
this is more comfortable than the floor looks. ]
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this is cool. finn just yeeted right on in to bed. finn's back is pressed against him. this is what he wanted, right? it feels a whole lot like what he wanted. what he wanted when finn was still original recipe finn. as it became more and more clear that finn was not going to be returning to original recipe finn, he was coming to terms with giving up on that dream.
BUT NOW IT'S HAPPENING???
whew. ok. gotta stay cool. he puts his arm over finn to make life less cramped but also to creep into spooning territory. ]
This is okay, right?
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finn is working on his okayness assessment. he has to do up all the pros and cons. like pros, poe is letting him do this at all. poe is warm. better than the floor. between poe and door in case someone does try to start shit. liberal usage of general "is this okay" terms. poe is, he's starting to think, nowhere near subtle enough to be doing this to try to get laid.
cons: ?? Something Will Probably Be Bad Eventually and he doesn't know what. maybe one day his brain will cooperate with him again and let him detail exactly what it is he's always positive is gonna happen. but it's not today. ]
It's okay.
[ he doesn't feel safer, but safer's not the idea anyway. even if he doesn't sleep and thinks about his life, he can do it in comfort.
i say like he's not way overdue for a depression nap and on the one-track road to taking it. ]
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okay. it's all okay. everything is fine. he tries to let himself relax. really relax, not just blank out into sleep from lack of anything else worth doing. buries his face against finn's back. he smells like ... well, actually, probably not that great, realistically, but he's warm and solid and something. alive. that's all that matters.
i wonder who's gonna freak out and push the other out of bed first!!!! ]
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warm and alive are... good things. objectively. finn doesn't put any of his valuable stock towards trying to relax in this situation. he's like, if i fall asleep i'll relax when i'm done with the consciousness thing probably. and that's good enough. so his approach is more of a close his eyes, wait for the sleep void to take him. if it happens, it happens.
but he will get there. eventually. at least as far as dozing town. ]
SURPRISE i didn't forget this it just needed to marinate
some time passes. not like years, but it's been a couple weeks. their situation remains stable but not great. but they're still scraping along. digging through garbage to find compatible parts for the ship. there's no news from the first order or the resistance. no one sniffing around for either of them.
there's a sort of sadness that hits poe deep when he thinks about the resistance. he is 90 percent sure everyone thinks he's dead by now. went off on his stupid, too-crazy-to-work rescue mission and didn't come back. he's not arrogant enough to be like "ah how will the resistance ever go on without me," but thinking about his squadron ... leia ... it hurts. they had to have told his dad, too. all those people mourning him. that was a whole other thing.
he'd ran through the possibilities. bb-8 could send messages back to the resistance. he doesn't exist in a void. he definitely could have hitchhiked home by now. it seemed less dangerous with time. they ran away from the first order and survived??
but he hadn't. the send message command was at the tip of his tongue but never outside his mouth. he chose to be selfish for once in his entire life, and now he had this thing he was terrified of losing. asking the resistance to come meant risking drawing attention to them, and even if they got off coruscant ... what would the resistance do to finn? not trust him the way poe had, probably. too much of a liability. he didn't want him to be locked up somewhere. if something happened, meltdown and lashing out-wise, he was okay with being the only casualty. still ready to take a blaster to the chest and whisper "thank you" as he died.
this was the same thought spiral he'd run through the first couple days. the whole "i'll stay with you / no i won't but you can stay on yavin 4 if you want / wait no i'll stay with you after all." he hasn't made much ground with it at all. the fact that he was struggling instead of just yeeting back seemed like choice enough. he recognized that.
but. finn.
so, he has here. he has corcuscant and finn. and he should be happy with what he has. finn's free instead of locked up on a first order ship. they get to share a twin bed together. he gets to hear finn's breathing and know that he's alive and here. no one's taking finn back. if faced with the choice again, he'd pick this path over and over every time.
but he still wants to touch him. and talk to him. he wants to tell him the entirety of his feelings but it never seems like it'll be enough. not enough to mean anything. or maybe too much. maybe he'll die with them. that seems to be the path he's heading towards. when you kidnap your true love and are still working your way beyond handholding and friendly spooning. ]
It won't be long now.
[ he's pretty upbeat. conversational. he's come back from some upper levels with food. he sets a bag down on the table (?? i guess they have a table) and pulls out a pear to bite into. ]
It'll be good. We'll get to Yavin 4, and I can show you everything. There's all this jungle. And an old Resistance base. And, uh, my house. Obviously.
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