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WISH LIST
★ my dark au kink:
+ being captured by the first order and subjected to reconditioning
+ trying to turn him back with the power of gay love and friendship (and possibly failing)
+ he was always a first order tie fighter pilot instead of winter soldiered
+ poe and finn first order murder squad (dynamics if they were both stormtroopers? running away together?)
+ ^ part b: the fam that gets captured and reconditioned together… stays…together…
+ Interesting Dynamics with kylo and hux from dark aus
★ finn stuff
+ what will they do after the war? romantic vacations? homesteading? sending finn's spit to space 23andme?
+ infinite escape reimagining/aus, stormpilot escape room reigning champions
★ rey stuff
+ relationship of convenience because they're both In Denial
+ sith princess rey aus where he tries to save her and/or she turns him
★ kylo stuff
+ infinite interrogating/torture room reimagining/aus
+ ^ part b: stockholm syndrome?
+ We Need to Talk about Leia
★ general
+ honestly anything regarding leia (esp processing grief post-tros)
+ talking about his sketchy spice runner past (possibly playing things taking place during that time in his life?)
+ ^ same for things taking place during academy/new republic tbh
+ i love aus. modern aus, vampire aus, a/b/o aus, let's au the entire world
+ i prefer m/m for poe but am good with most ships
kinks if ya nasty
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and he didn't want it to be his fault if the resistance failed. not after coming so close to driving it into the ground before. ]
I don't know why you do anything. But I think I got it. You can't. If you tried to go after her, she could fight back. Use the Force. So you go after someone else who's not like either of you. Like you're trying to say something.
[ he knows he's walking on thin ice here, but that never stopped him from doing or saying stupid things before... ]
*cues up tense music*
Did she tell you? About the choice she turned down, and the choice that she made on the island? [ Kylo had never been able to tell precisely where Rey (and by proxy, Luke) was, but she had seen and sensed enough near the end to gather that much. Hearing Snoke say it when he ripped the location out of Rey's mind had only confirmed Kylo's suspicion. ]
No, I doubt it. The Resistance views her as a hero, she wouldn't tell you all the truth. No more than how you bury your truth beneath attitude and bravado as if it can make what you really feel go away.
[ Kylo closes the distance that he created when he recoiled, not touching him but right in his face, staring down at him slightly. ]
The Dark promised her the answers to the questions she sought, and she heeded its call. In her naivete she didn't even hesitate. She may appear to fight for the Light now but the Dark will be within her forever. She can't run away from it any more than she could run away from the truth about her parents. Nor any more than you can avoid the truth of the path now before you.
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[ !! he has an idea. a seriously stupid idea. what if ... he turned kylo ren? sure, he believed she was heartless, was nowhere close to forgiving her from all the (mostly mental) torture he'd endured ...
but there was leia. the way he saw her cry about leia. she had to have stalled for the resistance. there was no way they could have evacuated in time otherwise. these are desperate times; he's open to the idea of being wrong about her.
(because if he was wrong about her, he wouldn't have to be brainwashed.) ]
Maybe you're not as dark as you think you are.
[ will this help his situation or make it even worse? a true mystery. ]
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[ It's hard to believe she's only talking about Rey with the subtle shift in her tone and the hint of pain in her eyes, not that either are conscious on her part.
Kylo sighs heavily when he brings up her mother, rolling her eyes. ]
It was on purpose, yes. I never wanted Leia to die. I... I would not see harm come to her if it can be avoided.
[ Don't ask her how she's going to manage that while still allowing the First Order to hunt down the Resistance because she doesn't have an answer to that yet.
She reaches for him again but this time she lightly takes his jaw in her hand so he can't turn away, locking her eyes on his. ]
I am what I need to be. The light would never have survived the things I've endured. You think you know the dark because I've been inside your head a few times... You don't know. You have no idea what it's like to have that presence clawing at you from before you can even recognize what it is. To feel like you're being torn apart, like your soul isn't even your own. Just a vessel for power. A tool in the eyes of others. [ Unintentionally her grip tightens as she speaks, but once she realizes it she lets go, taking a breath and a small step back. ] I don't know why I bother... you don't care. Your mind has been made up. All you see is a monster, like Rey.
And if that is how it's meant to be than I will be the monster, and you... you will be what I need you to be.
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while he's working on this, everything about his is forgotten. i.e., how his jaw actually hurts a little from being gripped too hard. ]
You don't have to be! Prove me wrong. Prove Rey wrong. You — what do you think you're doing now? You think you're not hurting Leia right now? She wants you to come home.
[ AS ANNOYING AS IT WAS to have to admit that much, he knows it's true. he would do anything for leia, including and not limited to bringing kylo ren back to her. he only found out kylo ren was brianna essentially just now, but … if that was really the source of so much of her sadness, he wanted to try to fix it. maybe he could fix it.
(also, again: maybe he didn't have to get brainwashed.) ]
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[ The continued mentioning of her mother makes Kylo grit her teeth, feeling hurt wanting to well up inside her. All those emotions from the past that were supposed to be long buried or erased, supposed to be burned away by the darkness and 'training'. It doesn't help that her father had said something similar. Come home. They all made it sound like such a simple thing. Like there wasn't a galaxy primed and slowly in the process of regarding her the way they regarded Vader. ]
She wants Brianna to come home. She doesn't want -- [ Kylo makes a gesture at herself. ] -- this. What she wants is the girl that she herself sent away to her brother's care, because Skywalker could do no wrong. Well that girl doesn't exist anymore, and her brother is partly to blame.
[ Turning away, Kylo walks back to the window, crossing her arms over her chest as she works to reign back in her emotions. No, her mother didn't want her back. She wanted the idea of her daughter back, the child powerful in the Force from birth but desperate for guidance, for attention and affection that never came from busy parents. Swallowing, Kylo stares at the glass and her reflection. There was no way her mother wanted reality, or the truth. She certainly didn't think Leia wanted to hear how her precious hero brother had tried to kill her daughter out of fear. Especially not now that Luke was gone, destined to be remembered as a hero for giving the Resistance time to escape. The bastard had preyed upon Kylo's weakness, a weakness he gave her all those years ago when he caused her to fear her own family and proved some of Snoke's lies right. ]
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Why not? Why can't you be the same? That's it, huh? You don't have to be the same. She knows you're not gonna be. But —
[ he can't find words for how angry he is. not even for himself, for leia. his expression shifts from one of disbelief to one of anger, brows furrowed and mouth a thin line. ]
I was right. You don't deserve her. She made mistakes, you made mistakes, and you don't even care. She'd forgive you, even though you don't deserve it. [ whoops let his bias slip in right there ] I know she would. But you don't care about anyone besides yourself. You don't care enough to try.
[ he can't even fathom it. not really. too blinded by his own loss — wanting his own mother back, being willing to forgive anything she could have done in the hypothetical future where he got to spend more time with her.
and leia, well, she somehow still kept giving him chances no matter how many stupid mistakes he made. sure, she demoted him after the dreadnought, but he deserved it. he understood. he knew it was from a place of love. probably. ]
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But Poe just keeps going and going and -- ]
Enough!
[ She turns and casts a hand out, throwing out a wave of energy. It's a purely emotional response, a small burst bound to push him back a bit and knock him off his feet at most. She wasn't striking out to hurt, after all, she just wants Poe to stop.
And as she lowers her arm, eyes stinging, she catches on those surface thoughts of his. The thoughts of his own mother, of Leia. They remind her of what she saw in his mind before, how close he and Leia are, how much he cares for her. Kylo's throat tightens and the glare she pins him with is dark with hurt. ]
You say Leia wants me back, but why would she care when she's replaced me with you? I suppose next you're going to try and say that I'm hurting her by having you here. That I should let you go because of her. [ Kylo didn't think she cared but oh, she does. It's an unexpected heartache, one that only compounds the feelings of abandonment she's carried since she was young. Of course she would be replaced. Of course. ] And how do you think your own mother would feel if she were still around, knowing that you found someone else to fill her role?
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as much as he was willing to go to bat for leia, he had a chink in his armor regarding her and kylo went straight for it.
he knew he'd never replace brianna. he didn't expect to, he couldn't ask that of her, but when he thought of some scenario in the future where kylo would turn and brianna would come home…
where would that leave him? she'd have no more void left to fill. no more use for him. ]
I wouldn't say that. For being her daughter, you don't understand much about her.
[ leia was a pragmatist, first and foremost. that's how she could endure loss after loss, he imagined. they didn't have the men or resources for a rescue mission. if she was hurt by that awful holo he was forced to be part of … she'd bury it, probably. ]
And my mom, she's — she wouldn't want me to be alone. If she were here, I wouldn't have to be. You don't know anything.
[ yep, he lost whatever tenuous advantage he had. going for shara bey decimated his ability to reason. his own anger and hurt bleeds out. ]
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[ There's a part of her that wants to lash out at Poe for making her feel this way, for bringing all these emotions to the surface and reminding her of all the hurt that would never truly heal. Reminding her of the pain that had partially driven her toward the dark.
And yet she doesn't.
Because it's not Kylo Ren, torturer and murderer, standing there. It's just a young woman whose heart still ached for a life she was never given the opportunity to have and parents who were never there when she wanted or needed them to be. ]
Why don't you tell me how much I don't know. Tell me about the woman who couldn't make time for her own flesh and blood but made plenty of time for you. I'd love to hear it. [ Her tone clearly says the opposite. ]
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but at the end of the day he still had his own mother. the shadow of one. an emptiness inside him that he could almost forget sometimes. sometimes, until he remembered and felt the pain of the loss all over again. an unending cycle since his childhood.
that's what he's feeling now, more than anything. more than any of his feelings for leia — which is a deep well in and of itself. ]
It's not like that.
[ their relationship wasn't like that. leia wasn't like that. he doesn't know how to condense all those feelings into words. well, into words that he would be willing to give to kylo ren, of all people.
he doesn't want to admit to himself that he knew leia wasn't coming for him. they were close, but the resistance always came first. ]
I'm not telling you anything. You don't even wanna know, why bother?
[ shara bey would have went back for him. ]
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[ It's interesting, seeing him this way. That's what Kylo thinks in a distant corner of her mind unaffected by her emotions. Earlier she spoke of armor, true, but she had expected more of fight to remove any of it. When she summoned him this day, she certainly hadn't expected... this.
He's hurt. She doesn't need the Force to see and feel it. But she draws little satisfaction from it. Knowledge perhaps, but not satisfaction. How odd.
Kylo turns away, back to the window, and falls silent. She doesn't want to think about any of this. About what she lost, about what she never had, about what could have been. It doesn't matter. She can't change anything, none of this changes anything.
After several minutes she's speaking again, voice quieter. There's almost hesitation in the question that comes and she's not sure if she really wants him to answer it. ]
Does she ever speak of me?
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No.
[ the word doesn't come with malice. it's less sharp than it might have been a minute ago. he didn't want to feel sorry for kylo ren, but he does. kind of. a little bit. ]
Not really. But she doesn't -- she's not the type of person to talk about stuff like that. She keeps it inside. At Han's funeral, she said we have to save our sorrow for after the fight. I guess that's what she's doing. Saving it all up.
[ at that point he purses his lips, thinking about how
a) kylo ren was the cause of that sorrow for killing han, and also
b) brianna was the cause of other sorrow for being a crappy daughter.
the well of sympathy dries up. even when leia hurt him in some way, his loyalty was always going to be to her first. ]
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She sort of hums a thoughtful noise at his words. It's all the reply that can be managed at the moment when her throat is tight and she doubts words would come out if she opened her mouth. This wasn't supposed to matter. It wasn't even supposed to be something she knew how to care about anymore. Why did it matter if the woman who so easily sent her away didn't speak of her or about her? Why did it matter if she had been replaced? Why did she care if the only family left alive seemed to not acknowledge her to others?
(Kylo can't say Leia doesn't acknowledge her at all because she felt it, that shared recognition when, even with the boundary of space and ships between them, they had been the closest to each other they had ever been in likely over a decade. It's a sensation Kylo can't stop thinking about. Almost more so now that she knows Leia is alive and there's a chance, a possibility, that it might not be the last time she ever senses her mother.)
The darkness in her loathes every moment of this. Not the emotion and pain itself because both were fuel for the flames, but this... this vulnerability. The profound sadness and ache that's rooted in the past, in the light. It rips her up inside, the eternal battle between the two sides, and not for the first time she wonders if some day it won't literally tear her apart when her body is too beaten and worn down to contain the Force any longer. In her lowest moments, when pain and torment threatened to shatter her mind, she had wished it would happen. That the Force in its entirety would claim her and she could finally find peace in her own destruction, and hopefully the destruction of Snoke as well.
Lost in thought and emotion, she doesn't know how long she's quiet for. At some point silent tears begin to fall but Kylo stands motionless, arms across her chest. She almost forgets about Poe, to be honest. He's just kind of there, in her peripheral, like the presence of the Knight still dutifully outside the door making sure they're undisturbed. ]
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he really wished she'd stop crying. so much crying. it made it harder to hate her, or even take her seriously as an enemy. it was a universally relatable concept, maybe. crying because you felt like your parent didn't care about you.
but-- ]
Don't you get it? This is your fault. You made this mess. But you could fix it. Instead of sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. If you really care about her and what she thinks of you, you'd go back.
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[ The words weren't as biting and sarcastic as she would have liked them to be once Poe's voice pulls her from her thoughts. There was no heat to the words at all. A tinge of bitterness perhaps, mixed in with the hurt that overpowers most every other of her emotions at the moment.
But he couldn't be expected to understand. He didn't know what it was like to be able to wield the Force at all, or to be descended from those meant to fulfill prophecies.
The Balance. It probably sounded like a wonderful concept to everyone else. Kylo isn't sure if she even understands it anymore. She's never felt balance, not even when training in the light, back before Luke earned her fury. It seems a novel concept, thought up by those who've never known what it's like to feel the pull of either side, let alone both at once. ]
It doesn't matter. [ She takes a breath, holds it for a moment before letting out, ignoring how it still shakes. ] It doesn't matter. There's nothing to fix or go back to.
[ One hand finally comes up to wipe at her cheeks and she glances over at Poe, regarding him quietly before she turns and walks over to where he is on the ground. But rather than strike out at him, either physically or with the Force, all she does when she stops next to him is to offer him a hand to help him up.
If there was any doubt over which side of her is most present at the moment, that certainly indicates it's not the darker part. ]
I suppose I should be thankful Leia found someone she could rely on even if it wasn't her own blood. Force knows Han was never reliable other than to provide disappointment.
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he immediately has a reply to that ... but he doesn't want to give it to her. talking with her casually would suggest that he was giving her some kind of chance. which he wasn't. the capability to feel emotions didn't excuse her from anything she did to him or to the rest of the galaxy.
especially when she didn't think there was anything to fix or go back to. maybe she thought things were that bad with leia. he doesn't know. but he does know that she has the benefit of having a living mother to have that chance with. not that he's bitter.
(he didn't realize he could be this bitter until he was faced with kylo ren's perceived ungratefulness.) ]
I disappoint her plenty.
[ there. he said it. whatever, it was true. he can still see the stars from when she slapped him like it was yesterday. ]
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His reply makes her tilt her head slightly as she looks at him. ]
Perhaps. But you wouldn't cut and run. Judging by how much fight you have I don't think it's in you to do that, to give up on those you care about and turn away from them. [ She pauses, not sure how she feels about the impression she has, but she decides to voice it anyway. Might as well at this point. ] She obviously has faith in you, and trust, given the sort of missions she's entrusted you with. She must feel you can be counted on, regardless of the disappointments you mention.
[ It hurts, stings, but Kylo almost wants to understand. To see what it is Leia really wanted and couldn't find in her own child. (Because clearly whatever Brianna had been lacking her mother found in Poe, or so her mind is presently convinced.) ]
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even holdo had called him on it. told him follow orders if he wanted to serve the resistance, or take bedpan duty if he wanted to serve a princess. (he hadn't of course, but the words still burned.)
standing again, now with renewed vigor, he brushes her assessment off. kylo — brianna — was getting too close. ]
Is analyzing me part of the torture this time?
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Kylo's gaze hardens slightly, her eyes narrowing at the corners. ]
Tact really isn't one of your strong suits, is it?
[ She steps away from him and looks to the door, the Knight stepping in within moments. ] You can take him back now, we're done here.
[ The moment, whatever it was, is gone now. She did what she intended, which was to finally let Poe in on her little plan. All the rest... she would shove down and bury, as she needed to. Pretend like the past didn't bother her and like she didn't yet care about her mother.
She could almost hear Snoke's voice in her head, chastising her for the weakness, and that bothers her the most out of everything. That even now she couldn't get away from that creature. From anything. The past, her past self, anything.
All it took was bringing up her mother for Poe to get out of her things she hadn't spoken about with anyone else. That was unacceptable. She couldn't, wouldn't allow it to happen again. ]
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and then he blew it. in typical dameron fashion.
what could he say? sorry? not here. not in front of her knight(s). anger rises up in him — anger at himself for his own stupid mouth. ]
Come on!
[ yeah, he's got nothing. ]
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No verbal response comes, just a dismissive gesture of one hand as she turns away, once more returning to the window and looking out space. What she actually wants to do is leave the room, but like hell she's going to give Poe the satisfaction of one more example of how much the conversation got under her skin. Not that it likely mattered when her emotions had been on such display but it mattered to her. Where the pilot had his bravado and attitude, she had her own armor in need of replacing.
The Knight, for their part, doesn't seem to care about what had been taking place in the room. Or the fact that the prisoner was really no worse for wear. They just take Poe by the arm and make to leave the room, and leave Kylo to her thoughts. ]
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but that's neither here nor there as he's being carted off. he glances back, trying to get one last look at her and see where he'd managed to land emotionally, but her back is already turned. he makes an attempt at jerking away from the knights, but he knows that it's useless before he even starts.
stars. why did he say that??? why did he buy himself a one-way ticket back to his cold, empty cell? just what he wanted: more time to mull over his thoughts. ]
didn't think i'd have a reply for this till tomorrow but inspiration struck
Except it might be easier to believe she's not going out of her way to stay away if she hadn't seen fit to go over to the Supremacy a day or two after their surprisingly in-depth conversation.
The distraction works. Everyone's far too happy to show her how much progress they've been making, both with regards to repairs to the ship and rebuilding the fleet. There's yet a ways to go but even she's pleased with how far things have come.
She's walking through the completely renovated throne room -- too many bad (horrible, painful, anguish-ridden) memories contained in the space for her to even entertain fixing it back to how Snoke had designed it -- when her communicator buzzes. One of the Knights still on the Finalizer. A former Jedi, actually, one of the few who survived her wrath at the Academy. His hurried words send her rushing to the nearest flight deck to return to the other ship.
The pilot was gone from his cell. A trooper was all too easily threatened into confessing that Hux barged in with a handful of stormtroopers to drag the prisoner off while the Knights were changing shifts.
By the time she's back on the Finalizer her fury practically vibrates off the corridors as she strides through the ship. Kylo doesn't need to search, she knows where that bastard will have gone. Furthermore, she can feel the energy that's slowly becoming familiar to her. It's not a Force bond but she's aware of Poe's presence all the same if she chooses to focus on it. A trooper apparently more keen on following the General's orders than hers attempts to block her way to interrogation and she throws them with little effort, not even breaking her stride. ]
You insufferable cur... [ Kylo snarls at Hux as soon as the door to the room slides open, falling back on one of Snoke's favored insults for the general. And as much as she'd love to immediately strike him down with her saber, her gaze shifts to land on Poe, needing to assess his condition first. ]
and then i took forever to reply like a jerk 💀
after all that wallowing, he spent one split-second being … excited wasn't the right word. maybe a little excited to see something besides the inside of his cell? that feeling immediately dissipates when he realizes that's it's not kylo dragging him out for more reminiscing about her (their?) mother, but hux taking him to interogation. his entire body stiffens with dread before they're even there. he remembers the way down the hall. he remembers the room. he knows what's going to happen next, blow by blow.
he doesn't know if he can handle it again.
regardless of whether or not he knows, it's happening. the familiar sensation of the probe at his temples. a nice refreshing round of electric shock, complete with blacking out and thrashing against the frame of the rack. his jaw already feels stiff and sore. how much time had it been? it could have been a minute or an hour for all he knows. it's all the same.
his vision swims and comes to focus on kylo. kylo here, about to choke out hux? hopefully? he tries to help the process along, because he's a helper.
he offers, loudly:] I can think of more words for him if you need help.
shush with that :*
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I'M SORRY I TOOK SO LONG 😭 w/ this one and the kaida thread
IT'S OK I FORGIVE YOU ❤
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sneaks in a reply before bed
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i like how i tried to keep this short and ended up rambling about a different subject lol
👌
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this is a wonderful surprise ❤
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sends you the customary novella to transition to a new scene
apparently i completely lost this tag?!
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