you guys are best friends. you want your first time to be special. he probably feels the same way, since. you know. he doesn't remember anything with me, so it's not like you're getting in the middle of something. you should be able to choose whoever you want, so long as they want it back.
so i'm not mad. kind of sad, i guess. but i don't want you to feel sorry for me.
i wonder if everyone else here has to overthink it this much
[ what she really means here is she thinks he would change his mind if he knew. that he'd never want to touch her if he knew how kylo ren had. but she hardly knows how to say it. she hasn't even found a way to say ben's here and that makes it all more complicated. ]
what? you guys were friends before you came here. did something happen on hathaway that would make it weird? besides me?
[ yes he is this dumb. yes, he needs it spelled out for him.
wait. no. his single brain cell is waking up from its nap. ]
the kylo ren stuff?
[ finn's reaction to kylo ren being here was essentially "KILL THE BEAST" and poe had to be like "???? yeah i dunno maybe we shouldn't kill the beast." that was a time in his life. lots of character development. ]
i was exploring the facility and i stepped on something. i think it was some kind of trap. it was this goo that was crawling up my leg, i dunno. i was calling for help and kylo ren came. i thought he was just gonna watch me get eaten by goo at first. but then he helped me.
and he acted like a little bitch when i tried to say thank you. it was a whole thing. but i think he didn't let me die because it would've pissed you off
[ Some part of her is confused that he hadn't used it to gloat and put her on the defense during their conversation. After all, she'd only asked that he act like she matter. It sounds like Poe got that impression, anyway. That it was because she meant something to him. ]
When was this? After dinner?
[ Maybe it was after he'd brought her to the infirmary or something. ]
no it was in the middle of the day. i cut off the tour to explore a little bit.
but yeah i'm not surprised he didn't mention it to you. after he did it it was like he wanted to pretend it never happened. he wouldn't take thank you because he "wasn't looking for gratitude." he was afraid i wouldn't think he was scary anymore. dumbass
like not letting me die's gonna erase all the times he did want me to die
i dunno, he wasn't doing it for his health. sure as hell wasn't doing it out of the goodness of his heart or because of ME.
[ maybe not, no. but it obviously wasn't so she'd give him credit for it, either. he'd have said something then. which meant it was really, genuinely for her. it lends credence to his willingness, to their reconciliation. maybe she is worth something to him after all. ]
I don't think Finn would have even been able to thank him for it.
I don't blame Finn for that. Like you said, nothing he does can erase what's happened. But he might blame me. He'd have every reason to.
i didn't LIKE saying it. but at the end of the day he still did it. and that's worth something. i don't like it, but it is.
i tried to bring you into it. i was like what's rey gonna think if you let me die. because you'd figure it out, right? you could look into his brain with force stuff. whatever. i said where would that leave you and he said "without one resistance commander 😏"
[ i mean rey likes when he makes that face but not when it's about poe dying. also poe's still going when she tried to bring it back to finn so obviously he has not yet gotten the reaction he wants here. which is probably— ]
Figures that he can't even be nice about being nice.
I'm glad you're alright, at least. That's what's really important.
[ another two paths diverged in a yellow wood: talking about ur crush ur trying to pretend you don't care about anymore or talking ad nauseam about YOUR NEMESIS. insert the kate beaton comic.
it's a no brainer rey. miss him with that gay shit!!! ]
yeah. guess so.
[ okay, fine. he'll loop back. now that he's done with His Nemesis. ]
but yeah. the finn thing? i dunno. i told him kylo was here because i thought he'd remember and he freaked out. it's probably gonna take him awhile. again. i don't even know if he worked through it all the way the first time
you're still you though. i mean, look at me. i know about the kylo ren stuff and i'm gonna be honest, i don't like it. but i care about you and i know it's important to you.
he'll get there.
[ he wants to go hard with the inspirational speech about finn, but considering his radical interpretation of events where finn left him because of the thrawn stuff, he doesn't feel comfortable saying "he'll love you no matter what." ouch. ]
[ but does he know about all of it though ? ?? ? does he ?? ? (no.) ]
I kissed him.
[ kiLL HER please. this is worse than with keith. at least when keith figured it out, she was still figuring it out. but poe's going to find out ?? like hayame figured it out. and now they're in sexapalooza here. this isn't the kind of thing they can hide she'd JUST finished telling kylo that the night of the tour. ]
[ he's really dumb and he was willfully ignoring the depth of her relationship with kylo ren. of course, he'd wondered about the whole sleepover thing on drakstaden, but it couldn't have been THAT MUCH. she went there with the whole virgin thing on the way to zhautas. so then, he was like "oh maybe it was ... just a sleepover ..."
he was putting a lot of deliberate effort into not thinking about it, honestly. but whoop here it is.
on one level, he was kind of expecting it. that was the whole reason for the deliberate ignoring.
on the second level, ????? ]
how was that
[ out of sheer confusion he spits out the first stupid thought that enters his brain. ]
[ like she doesn't want it, but she'd feared his agreement: that finn would never want to touch her if he knew. and then maybe add in that he's changed his mind too because he's a little disgusted. she wants to be wrong. she'd hoped she was wrong but now he's just
i kind of expected it, okay? i just didn't want to think about it. you were sharing a room on drakstaden. i didn't wanna assume but, you know, you were sharing a room on drakstaden and then you came in my room crying because he wanted you to go away.
i know i'm kinda slow sometimes but i can put two and two together and get four
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I don't get it. I don't know what to do about any of this.
I need help.
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you guys are best friends. you want your first time to be special. he probably feels the same way, since. you know. he doesn't remember anything with me, so it's not like you're getting in the middle of something. you should be able to choose whoever you want, so long as they want it back.
so i'm not mad. kind of sad, i guess. but i don't want you to feel sorry for me.
i wonder if everyone else here has to overthink it this much
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[ what she really means here is she thinks he would change his mind if he knew. that he'd never want to touch her if he knew how kylo ren had. but she hardly knows how to say it. she hasn't even found a way to say ben's here and that makes it all more complicated. ]
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[ yes he is this dumb. yes, he needs it spelled out for him.
wait. no. his single brain cell is waking up from its nap. ]
the kylo ren stuff?
[ finn's reaction to kylo ren being here was essentially "KILL THE BEAST" and poe had to be like "???? yeah i dunno maybe we shouldn't kill the beast." that was a time in his life. lots of character development. ]
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he kind of saved my life.
[poe: wow it's so fuckin weird to write this i hate it
also poe: KYLO REN WILL HATE IT EVEN MORE IF I TELL REY HE WAS NICE :) ]
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and he acted like a little bitch when i tried to say thank you. it was a whole thing. but i think he didn't let me die because it would've pissed you off
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[ Some part of her is confused that he hadn't used it to gloat and put her on the defense during their conversation. After all, she'd only asked that he act like she matter. It sounds like Poe got that impression, anyway. That it was because she meant something to him. ]
When was this? After dinner?
[ Maybe it was after he'd brought her to the infirmary or something. ]
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but yeah i'm not surprised he didn't mention it to you. after he did it it was like he wanted to pretend it never happened. he wouldn't take thank you because he "wasn't looking for gratitude." he was afraid i wouldn't think he was scary anymore. dumbass
like not letting me die's gonna erase all the times he did want me to die
i dunno, he wasn't doing it for his health. sure as hell wasn't doing it out of the goodness of his heart or because of ME.
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I don't think Finn would have even been able to thank him for it.
I don't blame Finn for that. Like you said, nothing he does can erase what's happened. But he might blame me. He'd have every reason to.
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i tried to bring you into it. i was like what's rey gonna think if you let me die. because you'd figure it out, right? you could look into his brain with force stuff. whatever. i said where would that leave you and he said "without one resistance commander 😏"
with that face, just like that
but then he did it anyway
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Figures that he can't even be nice about being nice.
I'm glad you're alright, at least. That's what's really important.
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it's a no brainer rey. miss him with that gay shit!!! ]
yeah. guess so.
[ okay, fine. he'll loop back. now that he's done with His Nemesis. ]
but yeah. the finn thing? i dunno. i told him kylo was here because i thought he'd remember and he freaked out. it's probably gonna take him awhile. again. i don't even know if he worked through it all the way the first time
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I can't do it, Poe.
I can't have sex with Finn.
No matter how he feels right now, when I tell him about Kylo, he won't want to touch me.
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he'll get there.
[ he wants to go hard with the inspirational speech about finn, but considering his radical interpretation of events where finn left him because of the thrawn stuff, he doesn't feel comfortable saying "he'll love you no matter what." ouch. ]
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I kissed him.
[ kiLL HER please. this is worse than with keith. at least when keith figured it out, she was still figuring it out. but poe's going to find out ?? like hayame figured it out. and now they're in sexapalooza here. this isn't the kind of thing they can hide she'd JUST finished telling kylo that the night of the tour. ]
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he was putting a lot of deliberate effort into not thinking about it, honestly. but whoop here it is.
on one level, he was kind of expecting it. that was the whole reason for the deliberate ignoring.
on the second level, ????? ]
how was that
[ out of sheer confusion he spits out the first stupid thought that enters his brain. ]
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Are you
Do you actually want to know? I can't tell.
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[ like she doesn't want it, but she'd feared his agreement: that finn would never want to touch her if he knew. and then maybe add in that he's changed his mind too because he's a little disgusted. she wants to be wrong. she'd hoped she was wrong but now he's just
hard to read
and that's like being in purgatory. ]
Tell me you don't hate me.
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i kind of expected it, okay? i just didn't want to think about it. you were sharing a room on drakstaden. i didn't wanna assume but, you know, you were sharing a room on drakstaden and then you came in my room crying because he wanted you to go away.
i know i'm kinda slow sometimes but i can put two and two together and get four
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Even if he doesn't, he probably won't want it to be me anymore. And I can't just keep it from him knowing that it would change his mind.
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