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WISH LIST
★ my dark au kink:
+ being captured by the first order and subjected to reconditioning
+ trying to turn him back with the power of gay love and friendship (and possibly failing)
+ he was always a first order tie fighter pilot instead of winter soldiered
+ poe and finn first order murder squad (dynamics if they were both stormtroopers? running away together?)
+ ^ part b: the fam that gets captured and reconditioned together… stays…together…
+ Interesting Dynamics with kylo and hux from dark aus
★ finn stuff
+ what will they do after the war? romantic vacations? homesteading? sending finn's spit to space 23andme?
+ infinite escape reimagining/aus, stormpilot escape room reigning champions
★ rey stuff
+ relationship of convenience because they're both In Denial
+ sith princess rey aus where he tries to save her and/or she turns him
★ kylo stuff
+ infinite interrogating/torture room reimagining/aus
+ ^ part b: stockholm syndrome?
+ We Need to Talk about Leia
★ general
+ honestly anything regarding leia (esp processing grief post-tros)
+ talking about his sketchy spice runner past (possibly playing things taking place during that time in his life?)
+ ^ same for things taking place during academy/new republic tbh
+ i love aus. modern aus, vampire aus, a/b/o aus, let's au the entire world
+ i prefer m/m for poe but am good with most ships
kinks if ya nasty
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things that finn forgot about while he spent that couple of days dissociating and trying to pretend he didn't exist in real life: the ring thing. oh boy, that really happened. holy shit. that feels like it was a year ago. thankfully the droid at the center of everything good in the galaxy, who is also a rat-catcher, saved it.
well saved it from sitting on the floor for a long-ass time, but like, that's still saving it. bb-8 does more than either of them. he's the hero of this story.
i can't wait for episode ix where he reveals that he had the jacket all along.
finn cautiously adds it to his "one item in one hand" inventory. if only bc bb-8 seems pretty expectant about this particular power move he's dropping. and then he hesitates. and then he kinda holds it out in poe's direction because he did at some dramatic point give it back and he doesn't know the promise ring protocol during times like these. ]
I don't know if-- [ ??????
Do You Want This Back he guesses, he's trying to be on his best not overdramatic behavior. ]
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poe stares down at bb-8 like wtf?? he forgot it too somehow? he thought it was still on the floor just like all his hopes and dreams. at the very least, he was not in on this plan. so he responds by frowning slightly, and gently pushing finn's outstretched hand away with his own. ]
No, I gave it to you. [and then he felt kind of weird and naked without the last remaining piece of his mom, but then he had multiple days to think about other things instead, shoving it down to the least of his worries. that said, he can't even imagine taking it back now. it was a good idea, it felt right, and shara bey would be proud of him probably. she is still in force ghost heaven giving him a thumbs up.] I can't take it back. I want you to have it.
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i mean that's very nice and a kind thing to do. finn could probably wrangle it back around his neck one-handed, but it would be a whole awkward production managing it. and he's not gonna let go of poe's hand with his other hand for that so. he will just very, very carefully put it in his pocket for now. ]
Then thanks. Again.
[ it's... kind of a relief to have it back. in a weird way he can't define yet. poe is as much of a solid anchor as anything now, but the ring meant something. still means something. the fact that he offered it at all meant something.
finn scuffs the heel of his boot against the floor like all chill people do. one day poe will have his light-up skechers for this occasion. ]
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[ sometimes we have to make sacrifices in the name of being otters, and if that means not going full gay, it's fine.
he had one (1) thing of value and he gave it to finn. besides like, bb-8. who is clearly not a thing. rey wouldn't trade him in .05 seconds after meeting him, poe would protect him with his life. and anyway finn is clearly also bb-8's dad. he's attached. after that he's got like ... his blaster. clothes? maybe one day he'll trade his leather jacket of the week for light-up skechers. they probably need them since the lower levels of coruscant are basically like twilight/nighttime forever. if you thought there was daylight at any point in this thread basically, you're wrong. good thing bb-8 got the electricity working with some rat corpses and a chewed up wad of gum.
anyway, leaving whatever the fuck that tangent was: poe is also scuffing his boot that isn't a light-up skecher against the floor. when you've got nowhere to go and nothing to do besides sit around and talk. two guys wallowing in existential dread, zero feet apart 'cause they are gay.]
Where did you go? What happened? ... If you wanna talk about it. You don't have to.
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poe poses a valid question. the record should show that it's fair and valid. ]
It's fine. [ like, he doesn't mind. storytime, he digs it. finn kinda has to stop and mull that whole answering thing over, though. not so much because he doesn't want to answer. mostly because he is now realizing how much stuff fell into the void during the "what happened" time period.
he clears his throat. casually. ] How long was it?
[ when dissociative fugue asks depressive fugue for help with timekeeping bc you hope it will maybe help you categorize what you do remember doing. finn, pal... you can't. ]
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the follow-up question takes him out of his mental pillow-stacking, though. mostly because he has to sit there himself thinking about how many days it was. he wasn't making marks on the wall like rey, okay. also: it's hard to keep track of time when a normal cycle is "dark times and a lil less dark times". ]
A few days. I think it's four. It's been four. [ he almost adds "i was trying to wait for you" but that sounds like too many emotions in one sentence. maybe he'll just say something dumb instead. ] It's hard to keep track of time.
[ he meant here, on the lower levels, because of the pre-established lack of daylight, but he decides to leave it there as a general statement instead. time is an elusive concept so don't feel bad buddy. ]
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Right. Didn't really do much. I don't think I did. I wasn't really-- I don't remember everything. [ fuckin disaster. ] Walked around. I think I made it up a few levels? But everything kind of looks the same. Lost the blaster. Not sure how. Saw a few stormtroopers. I thought... I don't know. I didn't think what I thought I would. Couldn't make myself get there.
[ he frowns. ]
I just wanted to find you again.
[ it's his badly-paced story, he can be a little gay if he wants to. ]
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Sounds like more than I did.
[ at least he can be relieved that it wasn't the worst thing that could have happened. what is the worst thing? he doesn't really know. maybe the scenario where he saw the stormtroopers and did make himself get there. maybe the scenario where he shows up covered in mysterious blood and gore? that would be bad. stop thinking of weird shit. ]
I was waiting for you. [ if finn can come out with "i wanted to find you", he can lay his gay shit down on the table, too. it's safe now. ] I was gonna work on the ship, but I didn't really get around to it. I went up to get supplies once. Mostly I was just kind of ... trying to catch up on sleep. Thinking. Ended up doing a lot of one and not much of the other.
But I didn't leave. I was gonna wait. As long as it takes.
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that is... some highkey gay shit.
he really doesn't know what to do with that. he remembers poe's whole "you don't do anything with it, you just accept it" thing, but does that apply when it's like. so much of a thing?
no one's ever done any of this for him before.
there could have been people once, he guesses, with the whole... reconditioning Thing.
they're not the ones who walked into a holding cell in stormtrooper armor, though.
finn thinks he might just do anything for this man.
and hey, maybe he doesn't have to necessarily deserve poe or all the nice stuff poe says and does if he's trying really hard to get the point where he can deserve it. maybe that's how self-care works. they need a book on self-care and emotional health, someone help them, they're dying.
finn got his crying done for the day already. there's still a big complicated knot of emotion in his chest for this that he doesn't know how to assess. he squeezes poe's hand. what are words for complex emotions and overwhelming gratitude. they can't possibly exist. ]
Got the feeling you're not usually good with waiting. [ there was a lot of very bold, naked hoping mixed in with all the rest when he made it back to the garbage levels. ]
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additionally: maybe there are ancient jedi self-care texts that literally anyone will find and read someday.
poe decides to react to the squeezing by putting his other free hand over their current clasped hands. he's feeling a lot of feelings, too, but he's constantly toeing the line of how much it feels right to spill out. anticipating overstepping a boundary, a point where it would be wrong to say too much because as much as he wants this to be finn, it's not the same version of finn. the framework, the context isn't there. it's ripped out. ]
I'm not. [ simple, honest. ] I was trying it out. [ oh no here it goes ] And it's not like I have any way to leave.
[ POE ELIZABETH DAMERON. i wanted to find a gif from firefly where simon tells kaylee she's the only available girl on the ship and she gets mad and everyone roasts him for being an idiot but i'm at work so. that's the entire mood here. ]
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Guess it does sound better when you act like you had a choice. [ part of him might be offended by the implication. he's not sure.
the thinking part of him is like, that's valid though. you threw his nice gift in his face and went to cry in the dump before turning yourself in to get murdered basically. literally who else would ever stick around just to wait for you to walk back into their part of the junkyard? ]
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I mean, it's not — it's not like that. I guess, I mean, I could've figured something out. But I wanted to stay. So I didn't.
[ he clears his throat before moving on to his next conversation topic. he's put more thought into this than whatever the fuck just happened, at least. ]
I've been thinking. About where we could go. Eventually. I think ... maybe I'm just gonna go home for awhile. We can go home. If you decide you don't wanna fight for the Resistance, it'll be okay. You'll have a place and my dad's gonna be there and ... it'll be fine. It'll all work out.
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I won't say it will, but I won't say it won't, either. [ he's pretty sure it probably won't. but he's way too burnt out for cynical arguments. all it does is drag poe down with him. then they both sit on the ground for like four days at a time. bad for productivity tbh.
compromise in the star wars universe. ]
You'd really just take me home with you.
[ how does any human possibly carry this level of soft emotions. finn is bad at expressing that shit across the full memory board.
deep down on the inside, part of finn is in a constant state of non-meltdown crisis about it. he could die for poe and/or bb-8 probably? there's nothing to die from, so that's super out the window most of the time. wtf. how do you repay huge emotional life debts. he's good at dying for stuff, crying, and theoretically could do murders. those are his big three.
the thought train hasn't stopped at "yeah hey am i supposed to be giving you the succ for this or killing someone specific for you or something, bc you can't make it the catch without saying so first" station. i probably can't promise that the train will never arrive there in this psl's full timeline but im glad it hasn't because poe is a good and i love him. ]
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time to look down at the hand pile contemplatively. he didn't bounce these thoughts off anyone (i.e., bb-8, who else would he even??), so he has no idea how any of this sounds to anyone who isn't him.
gentle disbelief is good, right? as far as the finn reaction spectrum goes. that seems to be a pretty steady baseline. ]
Yeah. Maybe it's not the best plan, but it's the one I've got. I know it's gonna be safe there. That way, you know, like I said. I don't want you to feel like you've gotta fight if you don't want to. Or worry about being a liability. That way, if I wanna go back, I can go back.
[ those words, his own words, sound weird to him. he had a lot of time to think about how not great being lost and directionless feels. of course he should go back. why is this even up for debate? his (real) mom would slap him for even thinking of standing by and doing nothing when the galaxy needs him.
but he already made the choice. finn already asked him what would happen if finn didn't want to go back, and he said he'd stay with him. was it wrong to go back on that, even if he figured out a workaround? what kind of person was he if he already made a choice like that and then tried to take it back?
it wasn't like he'd forgotten what the consequences would be, either. with no contact since he left, maybe everyone figured he was dead by now. went off and got himself killed with his typical brand of brave stupidity. if he did go back, he was hoping that would soften things. in the sense that everyone would be so happy he's still alive, he wouldn't get demoted quite so many ranks. ]
And then if I do go back and you don't, you won't be alone. I know my dad won't let anything happen to you.
[ has he thought about what a fun conversation literally any of this with kes dameron is going to be? no. well, he got as far as "he will not be happy that i decided to abandon my principles and go awol," but not to the part where he'd have to be like "but i did it for this stormtrooper i kidnapped who is now wearing mom's ring and is clearly working through some trauma right now, if i go back to my principles you will have to carry on my h/c fanfic without me."
however, he comes from two selfless yeets, so he's betting for the best outcome on this one. ]
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there's something legitimately touching about this idea even though he can't put his finger on exactly what about it is so touching. poe just like, has a home he could go to and he'd bring his weird kidnapped stormtrooper with him and give him a place to stay. like it matters so much to him to make sure he keeps the option to choose whatever on the table.
not having to fight has never been an option before. ]
Who makes sure nothing happens to you?
[ if they make it there and poe does decide to go back, would he want to stay behind? is it kosher to jump into a fight that terrifies you if it's just to follow one person through it? finn doesn't want to think about it while it's not a real thing happening. ]
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he's still trying to figure out what to do with that when his mouth opens, then just sort of hangs open for a second while he tries to formulate some kind of response. being hit with feelings goes both ways??? ]
I make sure nothing happens to me. [ AND BEFORE HIS SON CAN TRY TO TAKE OFF HIS LEG AGAIN ] And BB-8. But, you know, I've got me, I've got my squadron. [ what's left of them ... ] Don't worry about me. I can make it through anything. I made it this far, right?
[ shaky take-off but smooth landing. the opposite of how so many of his recent actual flights have went. ]
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I care more about what you're gonna do than what you already did. But I guess it says something that you're not dead. [ poe has a point and it's a good one. the worrying will not cease. ofc poe's worrying also won't cease, he's pretty sure. so like. at least they're gonna break even on it. ]
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[ he acts like he's about to get all offended and just into An Argument, but he's not. it's more like he's still trying to figure out what to do with these feelings he didn't think he was going to get in return for his own. but, honestly ... ]
I don't even know what I'm gonna do. I mean, I might go back. I should go back. But I don't know if I can.
[ another beat passes while his brain struggles to transfer his emotions into actual words. he is better at actions than words. you might thinks he's good at gay words, but that's only the "here's an inspirational speech to lift you up." he is less good at romantic declarations. ]
You know, my parents retired before the war was over. My mom kind of went with my dad. But with my dad, it wasn't so much that he wanted to. Han Solo got him honorably discharged. Because he was doing all this reckless, suicidal stuff on missions, right, and not thinking about how he had a family.
Not that — you're not — I'm not trying to — [ WHAT. ARE. WORDS. ] Do you get what I'm saying?
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[ He's putting his bets on it being an important and very soft sentiment. And Poe trying to say that he's important to him.
There's something in there that he understands without knowing what it is, exactly. It's the story of half of what Poe says. Things he doesn't know that part of him still tries to recognize. ]
But I did notice you doing some pretty reckless, suicidal stuff. Hard to miss it.
[ And to think it started well before the part where Poe kicked in the holding cell door like HEY PAL I'M HERE TO SAVE YOU. ]
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that was the previous sentiment, anyway. not the one he's clumsily trying to express to finn right now. ]
What I'm trying to say is that sometimes the stuff we fight for changes. Just because the stuff is smaller doesn't mean it's less important. And maybe that's what's more important to me right now. [ and just in case finn needs to have what he's already realized at this point that spelled out for him — ] You're important to me. And I'm not just gonna leave you.
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people don't break into and out of star destroyers for things that aren't important somehow.
it's very much not 'keep up and do what you're told or get left behind'. ]
Not to be selfish or anything, but you're the only important thing I have. So I'd like it if you didn't just leave, yeah.
[ which includes dying, which he'll put in the 50 shades of gray style blood pact i guess. also he doesn't actually care if that was selfish. he has one whole person, that overrules everything else. it's math. ]
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part of him — and no small part of him, either — wonders if this ... is wrong? being the only important thing is a lot of responsibility. especially when he knows that there are other people who would be important to finn, like, right over there. just over there.
but they're not here. they didn't go on this stupidly high-risk rescue mission. they aren't here now. later, after they made it out of the dumpster and onto yavin 4, he could text rey and rose like "what's up, finn and i are alive if you wanna stop and say hi." if they make it that far. gotta take this one day at a time.
meanwhile, the other part of him that isn't consumed with whether or not it's wrong is screaming and crying because finn said "you're the only important thing that i have" and that's a lot more than "stop giving me things i'm leaving bye forever." this entire conversation was just a slow build to that point, but they made it. now they arrived. ]
Okay. I won't.
[ he just lets that hang there. no weird awkward foot in mouth follow-up explanations. no high-key gay elaboration on how much finn means to him and that's why he won't leave. sometimes you just gotta let your words be words. gonna go FULL TILT. there it is. solved. done. he won't.
he will lunge for another hug, though. and then just stay locked in that sort of uncomfortable hugging while sitting down next to someone position. stay there until he dies. why bother hugging hugs that aren't going to last forever. those are the only hugs that get to exist down here in junk town. ]
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the idea of hugs from other people sounds weird. a lot of stuff sounds weird, though.
"okay. i won't." is an easy thing to doubt. for all that it's not an outright promise, it carries the weight of one. pretty much anything in the galaxy, external or internal, could swoop in and make it moot. the first order could kick their way in right now somehow and make this a murder party. poe could change his mind. it could be that the second he 100% feels a trust and capitalizes on it, it'll turn out someone was only waiting for the most prime opportunity to ruin everything. it'll all mysteriously go up in smoke and phasma will be there like "fam you are making this a million times worse on yourself than it has to be".
but consider: finn is tired, and poe really is the most important thing that he has. the most important thing that found him. whatever. at a certain point he runs up into his own brick wall of bullshit so much that he doesn't even bother registering it for a while.
so he hugs poe back even though it's a weird position, because he also knows how to commit to sparkle motion. ]
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he pulls away when he's had his fill (for the moment), it's time to broach something that he avoided when finn ran away (which was actually kind of a relief literally only in that sense), but it's time now. here it is. he swallows before speaking. ]
I don't really know if it's the right time for it, but I'm tired. Probably gonna sleep. I'm not trying to kick you out, though. You can stay.
[ he would like for him to stay. it might be a bad idea, but he wants it anyway. ]
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[ so yeah, he gets it. for all they know it's like 3am. or 3pm. but at this point any sleep that either of them tries to get is pretty much a depression nap. therefore time doesn't matter anymore.
welcome to finn town 2.0 where thinking about boundaries has become just as useless as personal space. he doesn't even bother. sounds legit to him. ]
I'll stay. [ it's too quiet out there. if he gets in on the depression nap action, which he's presently debating, it's not gonna be all that restful without some sounds from Any Other Living Person. might as well go all in. ] It's fine. Better to sleep while you can.
[ give him ten seconds to realize he's still actively holding hands like otters and that that probably gets in the way of any person managing to lie down. tbh. he's thinking about it even less than the idea of personal space. ]
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SURPRISE i didn't forget this it just needed to marinate
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