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WISH LIST
★ my dark au kink:
+ being captured by the first order and subjected to reconditioning
+ trying to turn him back with the power of gay love and friendship (and possibly failing)
+ he was always a first order tie fighter pilot instead of winter soldiered
+ poe and finn first order murder squad (dynamics if they were both stormtroopers? running away together?)
+ ^ part b: the fam that gets captured and reconditioned together… stays…together…
+ Interesting Dynamics with kylo and hux from dark aus
★ finn stuff
+ what will they do after the war? romantic vacations? homesteading? sending finn's spit to space 23andme?
+ infinite escape reimagining/aus, stormpilot escape room reigning champions
★ rey stuff
+ relationship of convenience because they're both In Denial
+ sith princess rey aus where he tries to save her and/or she turns him
★ kylo stuff
+ infinite interrogating/torture room reimagining/aus
+ ^ part b: stockholm syndrome?
+ We Need to Talk about Leia
★ general
+ honestly anything regarding leia (esp processing grief post-tros)
+ talking about his sketchy spice runner past (possibly playing things taking place during that time in his life?)
+ ^ same for things taking place during academy/new republic tbh
+ i love aus. modern aus, vampire aus, a/b/o aus, let's au the entire world
+ i prefer m/m for poe but am good with most ships
kinks if ya nasty
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You know what, I may just take you to the bridge and let you have a look at things, just to see how much of a fit Hux would throw. Not now though. You're yet too... [ Kylo hums a thoughtful noise, making an idle gesture (that for once is simply a gesture) at him. ] ...rebellious. Untrained.
[ If he thought that little remark was going to bother her, he would be disappointed. She merely shrugs a shoulder, casting a glance back over at the ship. ]
Oh, it's an annoyance to be sure. But you should be glad. Needing to repair the flagship has kept most resources and focus here, and not out scouring the galaxy for the Resistance. The delays here will benefit your friends, and Leia.
[ Kylo's gaze returns to Poe, her body language still calm and relaxed. Now that she's had a little time to sit with the knowledge her mother is alive she's been able to settle her emotions to an extent, at least in relation to those that were so on display in the interrogation room. She was able to put aside and put away grief, and the sorrow that had accompanied it. In a way, the news has improved her overall temperament, not that Poe currently had much point of reference when it came to her moods. ] I can see why she would be fond of you. There's some elements of Han in you. You've more loyalty though, that's for certain. And you know how to follow orders, you just don't always choose to. That's a far cry better than only caring about yourself. [ Something her father was obnoxiously good at in her opinion. ]
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1. he wants to see the bridge. he's mad at himself for wanting to see the bridge, but he still wants to see it. aggravating hux would be a bonus.
2. "yet too rebellious." yet. untrained. he didn't like the implication that allowed. that she was going to train him into obeying her. break him down somehow. he already knew that she could, if she wanted to. she could right now. but apparently she'd rather make some kind of game out of it.
3. maybe she's right. maybe he should be glad. at least holdo's sacrifice wasn't for nothing. she bought them time before, and was continuing to do so now.
4. normally, under different circumstances, he'd be pleased with the comparison to han solo. he grew up on stories of how brave han was, all the things he did with his father. sure, spending more time with leia had knocked him askew on the pedestal, but not completely off. however, that comparison coming out of kylo ren's mouth … it twisted it somehow. like most of the "compliments" she paid him.
how does he respond to any of that? his expression stays the same, the same stony outer shell barely containing all the anger underneath. don't focus on han solo (whom she killed). don't focus on the resistance (killing in progress). keep the scope narrow. ]
Sounds like you got me pegged. Since you know me so well, you oughta know you're never gonna be able to train me to do anything for you.
[ not without him dramatically fighting tooth and nail the entire time. ]
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[ It's a warm promise, said casually and without malice. What need had she for that emotion anymore when it came to him? Malice was best reserved for those she intended to destroy and send to their death. She has far grander plans in mind for Poe.
Kylo closes her eyes a moment as she senses the anger leaking from him, only a drip compared to what he truly feels, she's sure. From others he could better hide it but her training had been bathed in pain and anger and agony and fear. It remains, admittedly, one of the emotions she's most prone to. Just because she could control it better didn't mean she felt it any less.
And, as some liked to say, anger was an easy path to the dark side.
Her eyes open to rest squarely on Poe and she lifts a hand from her arm to crook one finger in a beckoning motion, sending out a small bit of her power through the Force to do her bidding. That power will lightly pull at him, seeking to draw him toward her. ]
You like to hide what you're truly feeling, don't you? Always keeping that armor up as long as you can. I understand. I also understand how exhausting it is. Eventually we all must lay down our armor to rest, even people like you and I. [ It certainly will be curious, to see how he is when he isn't so determined to fight her and hide things from her. Truthfully she yet debated how much would be necessary to change, what she wanted to keep and what would only get in the way. ]
Would you like to know why you're here, Poe? Why you're not already dead or in the midst of some other terrible and painful fate?
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and he hadn't thought of it that way. he considered himself reasonably forthright with his thoughts and feelings. but ... that wasn't completely true after all, was it? there was a lot he shoved down, knowing it would be inappropriate for a leader to express. a lot he would rather deal with on his own, for that same purpose. but he wasn't a leader now, was he? wasn't anything.
no. he can still do it. guards up. defenses up, any fear or uncertainty shoved aside. ]
It'd be nice to know, yeah.
wherein kylo monologues bc apparently that's what i write at work -.-
I would be lying if I said I wasn't interested in the information you carry in that pretty head of yours, but that's merely a perk. I didn't spend weeks tracking you down to find the Resistance.
[ Does that surprise him? To know the value she places is on him alone and not his proximity to the heart of the Resistance? From her glimpses inside his mind Kylo can't help but think he views himself a little too much as merely an extension of the Resistance. Thinking like that is for minions; simple soldiers and troopers. She doesn't know when he became her pet project, but perhaps it was an eventuality. Kylo offered Rey the world -- literally -- and was turned down. Practically had it spit in her face, really, with the scavenger making off with her family lightsaber. Again. She couldn't make Rey do what she wanted... but Poe was an entirely different story. ]
As I told you before, the First Order's interests are not my own. Snoke wanted to bring the galaxy to heel, destroying and obliterating at will, and he created the First Order to suit that intent. I'm more interested in uniting the galaxy under a single banner, in building upon what my grandfather and the Empire started. But as you know, a leader can't do it all themselves. The First Order is an extremely useful tool but with Hux at the helm I can only place so much trust in them. Unfortunately, he is yet too useful to kill.
That is where my Knights come in. I'm sure you've been curious as to their presence. Snoke created the Knights of Ren before I walked among them, before I came to lead them, but they are loyal to me and me alone.
Just as you will be.
[ She lets that hang in the air a moment, watching Poe as she pushes away from the glass and steps into the space between them. One of her gloved hands comes up to touch his face and it's almost affectionate. ] You will be my best Knight, I can see it in you. Even though you cannot wield the Force like most of them there is a strength and power within you. Your full potential just waiting to be unlocked. All you need is the right guiding hand. [ Which, naturally, was hers. ]
it's all good i love it
(all of this was really starting to sour his positive opinion of the force.)
her touch is all false sweetness. he doesn't want it. it's his reflex to jerk his head away. ]
You're not guiding me anywhere. I'm not gonna serve you. I'm not.
[ again, he knows it's not true, but he's not going to be like "ah yes, i accept you using the force to make me do whatever you want me to do." at least he still has the ability to protest. he'd rather die, but he's sure kylo already knows that by now.
it's at that point when he realizes he still has one weapon at his disposal — the ability to strike a nerve. ]
It's — this is because of Rey, isn't it?
[ she hadn't sat down the entire resistance and told them every last detail of her adventure on the supremacy (or about the force bond, even), but he knew enough. had enough of a vague idea to turn that vague idea into a weapon. ]
She wouldn't — she wanted you to turn and you wouldn't, and now you're doing this as some kind of thing to get back at her. Don't put me in the middle of your issues.
i'm almost afraid for him. she won't kill him but that's almost more reason to worry lol
When he jerks away the temptation is strong to make him look at her, to catch his jaw or wind her fingers in his hair, but she drops her hand instead. There would be plenty of time for that later. ]
Denying the truth will not change it. Trust, I have been in a similar place before. You will learn as I did. Although likely with less pain.
[ As he brings up Rey her eyes narrow just slightly. Yes, the girl remains a bit of a sore spot for Kylo, but that doesn't mean it would change anything.
It also doesn't change her opinion of how he views himself. Again connecting his value solely to others. She can't place why it bothers her but it does. (It's probably a Brianna thing. She's taken to writing off such 'quirks' as belonging to the other part of her.) ]
Why would this have anything to do with her? If I wanted to strike at her I could do so directly. She's proven that she's not worth my effort.
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and he didn't want it to be his fault if the resistance failed. not after coming so close to driving it into the ground before. ]
I don't know why you do anything. But I think I got it. You can't. If you tried to go after her, she could fight back. Use the Force. So you go after someone else who's not like either of you. Like you're trying to say something.
[ he knows he's walking on thin ice here, but that never stopped him from doing or saying stupid things before... ]
*cues up tense music*
Did she tell you? About the choice she turned down, and the choice that she made on the island? [ Kylo had never been able to tell precisely where Rey (and by proxy, Luke) was, but she had seen and sensed enough near the end to gather that much. Hearing Snoke say it when he ripped the location out of Rey's mind had only confirmed Kylo's suspicion. ]
No, I doubt it. The Resistance views her as a hero, she wouldn't tell you all the truth. No more than how you bury your truth beneath attitude and bravado as if it can make what you really feel go away.
[ Kylo closes the distance that he created when he recoiled, not touching him but right in his face, staring down at him slightly. ]
The Dark promised her the answers to the questions she sought, and she heeded its call. In her naivete she didn't even hesitate. She may appear to fight for the Light now but the Dark will be within her forever. She can't run away from it any more than she could run away from the truth about her parents. Nor any more than you can avoid the truth of the path now before you.
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[ !! he has an idea. a seriously stupid idea. what if ... he turned kylo ren? sure, he believed she was heartless, was nowhere close to forgiving her from all the (mostly mental) torture he'd endured ...
but there was leia. the way he saw her cry about leia. she had to have stalled for the resistance. there was no way they could have evacuated in time otherwise. these are desperate times; he's open to the idea of being wrong about her.
(because if he was wrong about her, he wouldn't have to be brainwashed.) ]
Maybe you're not as dark as you think you are.
[ will this help his situation or make it even worse? a true mystery. ]
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[ It's hard to believe she's only talking about Rey with the subtle shift in her tone and the hint of pain in her eyes, not that either are conscious on her part.
Kylo sighs heavily when he brings up her mother, rolling her eyes. ]
It was on purpose, yes. I never wanted Leia to die. I... I would not see harm come to her if it can be avoided.
[ Don't ask her how she's going to manage that while still allowing the First Order to hunt down the Resistance because she doesn't have an answer to that yet.
She reaches for him again but this time she lightly takes his jaw in her hand so he can't turn away, locking her eyes on his. ]
I am what I need to be. The light would never have survived the things I've endured. You think you know the dark because I've been inside your head a few times... You don't know. You have no idea what it's like to have that presence clawing at you from before you can even recognize what it is. To feel like you're being torn apart, like your soul isn't even your own. Just a vessel for power. A tool in the eyes of others. [ Unintentionally her grip tightens as she speaks, but once she realizes it she lets go, taking a breath and a small step back. ] I don't know why I bother... you don't care. Your mind has been made up. All you see is a monster, like Rey.
And if that is how it's meant to be than I will be the monster, and you... you will be what I need you to be.
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while he's working on this, everything about his is forgotten. i.e., how his jaw actually hurts a little from being gripped too hard. ]
You don't have to be! Prove me wrong. Prove Rey wrong. You — what do you think you're doing now? You think you're not hurting Leia right now? She wants you to come home.
[ AS ANNOYING AS IT WAS to have to admit that much, he knows it's true. he would do anything for leia, including and not limited to bringing kylo ren back to her. he only found out kylo ren was brianna essentially just now, but … if that was really the source of so much of her sadness, he wanted to try to fix it. maybe he could fix it.
(also, again: maybe he didn't have to get brainwashed.) ]
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[ The continued mentioning of her mother makes Kylo grit her teeth, feeling hurt wanting to well up inside her. All those emotions from the past that were supposed to be long buried or erased, supposed to be burned away by the darkness and 'training'. It doesn't help that her father had said something similar. Come home. They all made it sound like such a simple thing. Like there wasn't a galaxy primed and slowly in the process of regarding her the way they regarded Vader. ]
She wants Brianna to come home. She doesn't want -- [ Kylo makes a gesture at herself. ] -- this. What she wants is the girl that she herself sent away to her brother's care, because Skywalker could do no wrong. Well that girl doesn't exist anymore, and her brother is partly to blame.
[ Turning away, Kylo walks back to the window, crossing her arms over her chest as she works to reign back in her emotions. No, her mother didn't want her back. She wanted the idea of her daughter back, the child powerful in the Force from birth but desperate for guidance, for attention and affection that never came from busy parents. Swallowing, Kylo stares at the glass and her reflection. There was no way her mother wanted reality, or the truth. She certainly didn't think Leia wanted to hear how her precious hero brother had tried to kill her daughter out of fear. Especially not now that Luke was gone, destined to be remembered as a hero for giving the Resistance time to escape. The bastard had preyed upon Kylo's weakness, a weakness he gave her all those years ago when he caused her to fear her own family and proved some of Snoke's lies right. ]
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Why not? Why can't you be the same? That's it, huh? You don't have to be the same. She knows you're not gonna be. But —
[ he can't find words for how angry he is. not even for himself, for leia. his expression shifts from one of disbelief to one of anger, brows furrowed and mouth a thin line. ]
I was right. You don't deserve her. She made mistakes, you made mistakes, and you don't even care. She'd forgive you, even though you don't deserve it. [ whoops let his bias slip in right there ] I know she would. But you don't care about anyone besides yourself. You don't care enough to try.
[ he can't even fathom it. not really. too blinded by his own loss — wanting his own mother back, being willing to forgive anything she could have done in the hypothetical future where he got to spend more time with her.
and leia, well, she somehow still kept giving him chances no matter how many stupid mistakes he made. sure, she demoted him after the dreadnought, but he deserved it. he understood. he knew it was from a place of love. probably. ]
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But Poe just keeps going and going and -- ]
Enough!
[ She turns and casts a hand out, throwing out a wave of energy. It's a purely emotional response, a small burst bound to push him back a bit and knock him off his feet at most. She wasn't striking out to hurt, after all, she just wants Poe to stop.
And as she lowers her arm, eyes stinging, she catches on those surface thoughts of his. The thoughts of his own mother, of Leia. They remind her of what she saw in his mind before, how close he and Leia are, how much he cares for her. Kylo's throat tightens and the glare she pins him with is dark with hurt. ]
You say Leia wants me back, but why would she care when she's replaced me with you? I suppose next you're going to try and say that I'm hurting her by having you here. That I should let you go because of her. [ Kylo didn't think she cared but oh, she does. It's an unexpected heartache, one that only compounds the feelings of abandonment she's carried since she was young. Of course she would be replaced. Of course. ] And how do you think your own mother would feel if she were still around, knowing that you found someone else to fill her role?
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as much as he was willing to go to bat for leia, he had a chink in his armor regarding her and kylo went straight for it.
he knew he'd never replace brianna. he didn't expect to, he couldn't ask that of her, but when he thought of some scenario in the future where kylo would turn and brianna would come home…
where would that leave him? she'd have no more void left to fill. no more use for him. ]
I wouldn't say that. For being her daughter, you don't understand much about her.
[ leia was a pragmatist, first and foremost. that's how she could endure loss after loss, he imagined. they didn't have the men or resources for a rescue mission. if she was hurt by that awful holo he was forced to be part of … she'd bury it, probably. ]
And my mom, she's — she wouldn't want me to be alone. If she were here, I wouldn't have to be. You don't know anything.
[ yep, he lost whatever tenuous advantage he had. going for shara bey decimated his ability to reason. his own anger and hurt bleeds out. ]
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[ There's a part of her that wants to lash out at Poe for making her feel this way, for bringing all these emotions to the surface and reminding her of all the hurt that would never truly heal. Reminding her of the pain that had partially driven her toward the dark.
And yet she doesn't.
Because it's not Kylo Ren, torturer and murderer, standing there. It's just a young woman whose heart still ached for a life she was never given the opportunity to have and parents who were never there when she wanted or needed them to be. ]
Why don't you tell me how much I don't know. Tell me about the woman who couldn't make time for her own flesh and blood but made plenty of time for you. I'd love to hear it. [ Her tone clearly says the opposite. ]
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but at the end of the day he still had his own mother. the shadow of one. an emptiness inside him that he could almost forget sometimes. sometimes, until he remembered and felt the pain of the loss all over again. an unending cycle since his childhood.
that's what he's feeling now, more than anything. more than any of his feelings for leia — which is a deep well in and of itself. ]
It's not like that.
[ their relationship wasn't like that. leia wasn't like that. he doesn't know how to condense all those feelings into words. well, into words that he would be willing to give to kylo ren, of all people.
he doesn't want to admit to himself that he knew leia wasn't coming for him. they were close, but the resistance always came first. ]
I'm not telling you anything. You don't even wanna know, why bother?
[ shara bey would have went back for him. ]
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[ It's interesting, seeing him this way. That's what Kylo thinks in a distant corner of her mind unaffected by her emotions. Earlier she spoke of armor, true, but she had expected more of fight to remove any of it. When she summoned him this day, she certainly hadn't expected... this.
He's hurt. She doesn't need the Force to see and feel it. But she draws little satisfaction from it. Knowledge perhaps, but not satisfaction. How odd.
Kylo turns away, back to the window, and falls silent. She doesn't want to think about any of this. About what she lost, about what she never had, about what could have been. It doesn't matter. She can't change anything, none of this changes anything.
After several minutes she's speaking again, voice quieter. There's almost hesitation in the question that comes and she's not sure if she really wants him to answer it. ]
Does she ever speak of me?
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No.
[ the word doesn't come with malice. it's less sharp than it might have been a minute ago. he didn't want to feel sorry for kylo ren, but he does. kind of. a little bit. ]
Not really. But she doesn't -- she's not the type of person to talk about stuff like that. She keeps it inside. At Han's funeral, she said we have to save our sorrow for after the fight. I guess that's what she's doing. Saving it all up.
[ at that point he purses his lips, thinking about how
a) kylo ren was the cause of that sorrow for killing han, and also
b) brianna was the cause of other sorrow for being a crappy daughter.
the well of sympathy dries up. even when leia hurt him in some way, his loyalty was always going to be to her first. ]
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She sort of hums a thoughtful noise at his words. It's all the reply that can be managed at the moment when her throat is tight and she doubts words would come out if she opened her mouth. This wasn't supposed to matter. It wasn't even supposed to be something she knew how to care about anymore. Why did it matter if the woman who so easily sent her away didn't speak of her or about her? Why did it matter if she had been replaced? Why did she care if the only family left alive seemed to not acknowledge her to others?
(Kylo can't say Leia doesn't acknowledge her at all because she felt it, that shared recognition when, even with the boundary of space and ships between them, they had been the closest to each other they had ever been in likely over a decade. It's a sensation Kylo can't stop thinking about. Almost more so now that she knows Leia is alive and there's a chance, a possibility, that it might not be the last time she ever senses her mother.)
The darkness in her loathes every moment of this. Not the emotion and pain itself because both were fuel for the flames, but this... this vulnerability. The profound sadness and ache that's rooted in the past, in the light. It rips her up inside, the eternal battle between the two sides, and not for the first time she wonders if some day it won't literally tear her apart when her body is too beaten and worn down to contain the Force any longer. In her lowest moments, when pain and torment threatened to shatter her mind, she had wished it would happen. That the Force in its entirety would claim her and she could finally find peace in her own destruction, and hopefully the destruction of Snoke as well.
Lost in thought and emotion, she doesn't know how long she's quiet for. At some point silent tears begin to fall but Kylo stands motionless, arms across her chest. She almost forgets about Poe, to be honest. He's just kind of there, in her peripheral, like the presence of the Knight still dutifully outside the door making sure they're undisturbed. ]
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he really wished she'd stop crying. so much crying. it made it harder to hate her, or even take her seriously as an enemy. it was a universally relatable concept, maybe. crying because you felt like your parent didn't care about you.
but-- ]
Don't you get it? This is your fault. You made this mess. But you could fix it. Instead of sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. If you really care about her and what she thinks of you, you'd go back.
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[ The words weren't as biting and sarcastic as she would have liked them to be once Poe's voice pulls her from her thoughts. There was no heat to the words at all. A tinge of bitterness perhaps, mixed in with the hurt that overpowers most every other of her emotions at the moment.
But he couldn't be expected to understand. He didn't know what it was like to be able to wield the Force at all, or to be descended from those meant to fulfill prophecies.
The Balance. It probably sounded like a wonderful concept to everyone else. Kylo isn't sure if she even understands it anymore. She's never felt balance, not even when training in the light, back before Luke earned her fury. It seems a novel concept, thought up by those who've never known what it's like to feel the pull of either side, let alone both at once. ]
It doesn't matter. [ She takes a breath, holds it for a moment before letting out, ignoring how it still shakes. ] It doesn't matter. There's nothing to fix or go back to.
[ One hand finally comes up to wipe at her cheeks and she glances over at Poe, regarding him quietly before she turns and walks over to where he is on the ground. But rather than strike out at him, either physically or with the Force, all she does when she stops next to him is to offer him a hand to help him up.
If there was any doubt over which side of her is most present at the moment, that certainly indicates it's not the darker part. ]
I suppose I should be thankful Leia found someone she could rely on even if it wasn't her own blood. Force knows Han was never reliable other than to provide disappointment.
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he immediately has a reply to that ... but he doesn't want to give it to her. talking with her casually would suggest that he was giving her some kind of chance. which he wasn't. the capability to feel emotions didn't excuse her from anything she did to him or to the rest of the galaxy.
especially when she didn't think there was anything to fix or go back to. maybe she thought things were that bad with leia. he doesn't know. but he does know that she has the benefit of having a living mother to have that chance with. not that he's bitter.
(he didn't realize he could be this bitter until he was faced with kylo ren's perceived ungratefulness.) ]
I disappoint her plenty.
[ there. he said it. whatever, it was true. he can still see the stars from when she slapped him like it was yesterday. ]
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His reply makes her tilt her head slightly as she looks at him. ]
Perhaps. But you wouldn't cut and run. Judging by how much fight you have I don't think it's in you to do that, to give up on those you care about and turn away from them. [ She pauses, not sure how she feels about the impression she has, but she decides to voice it anyway. Might as well at this point. ] She obviously has faith in you, and trust, given the sort of missions she's entrusted you with. She must feel you can be counted on, regardless of the disappointments you mention.
[ It hurts, stings, but Kylo almost wants to understand. To see what it is Leia really wanted and couldn't find in her own child. (Because clearly whatever Brianna had been lacking her mother found in Poe, or so her mind is presently convinced.) ]
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didn't think i'd have a reply for this till tomorrow but inspiration struck
and then i took forever to reply like a jerk 💀
shush with that :*
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I'M SORRY I TOOK SO LONG 😭 w/ this one and the kaida thread
IT'S OK I FORGIVE YOU ❤
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sneaks in a reply before bed
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i like how i tried to keep this short and ended up rambling about a different subject lol
👌
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this is a wonderful surprise ❤
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sends you the customary novella to transition to a new scene
apparently i completely lost this tag?!
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