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WISH LIST

★ my dark au kink:
+ being captured by the first order and subjected to reconditioning
+ trying to turn him back with the power of gay love and friendship (and possibly failing)
+ he was always a first order tie fighter pilot instead of winter soldiered
+ poe and finn first order murder squad (dynamics if they were both stormtroopers? running away together?)
+ ^ part b: the fam that gets captured and reconditioned together… stays…together…
+ Interesting Dynamics with kylo and hux from dark aus

★ finn stuff
+ what will they do after the war? romantic vacations? homesteading? sending finn's spit to space 23andme?
+ infinite escape reimagining/aus, stormpilot escape room reigning champions

★ rey stuff
+ relationship of convenience because they're both In Denial
+ sith princess rey aus where he tries to save her and/or she turns him

★ kylo stuff
+ infinite interrogating/torture room reimagining/aus
+ ^ part b: stockholm syndrome?
+ We Need to Talk about Leia

★ general
+ honestly anything regarding leia (esp processing grief post-tros)
+ talking about his sketchy spice runner past (possibly playing things taking place during that time in his life?)
+ ^ same for things taking place during academy/new republic tbh
+ i love aus. modern aus, vampire aus, a/b/o aus, let's au the entire world
+ i prefer m/m for poe but am good with most ships

kinks if ya nasty

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[ by the time she roots herself deep enough in his mind to reach this memory, it is as though she is standing there, over his mother's shoulder, listening to the very same lecture she had heard poe recount a dozen different ways. in times of heartache. in times of doubt. once, to try and assuage her shame and guilt about the bond she shared with ben, while she was still torn over it.

a lifetime ago.

she steps around shara bey to crouch beside them, covering the bird with one hand. she takes it and breaks the head back. it is dead already. it feels no pain. but the neck splits, the feathers come apart in her hand. the head comes loose and there is blood on her hands. on poe's knee where he crouches. on his fingers.

it hurts her to take this from him. this one good thing. this shining, bright memory. but she holds the bird out to him, a piece of it in each hand, and she says over shara bey's voice, ]

The universe can be a dark place. It is up to you to make it good. Will you help me?

[he is aptly horrified as a small child or even grown adult might be when a lady shows up and covers you in bird blood. he stares at her, no longer crying but face still stained with tears. in shock. motionless.]

Okay.

[he says it as a child, but somehow the present day him says it too. he lets go of everything. the universe isn't good. it's darkness and chaos and people dying for no reason. senseless. meaningless. brutal and cold.

but rey could fix it. he could fix it with her.

okay.]

[ she can feel the calm wash over him. his body stops fighting her, somewhere far away in the physical world. she reaches out to touch his hair, embrace this child version of himself. his hair is thick and coarse and feels real in her hands the same way ben feels real when she reaches out to him across the force. this, she supposes, is no different really.

the sigh she exhales is both real and a mental projection. it is one resigned to accepting the weight of this burden, the responsibility of helping him survive in a world where there is no resistance. ]

Would you like to go see Finn now?

[ suddenly she is standing beside him in the room again. the child is gone, and she has stopped restraining him. the pressure has gone from his limbs. ]

[ the six-year-old iteration of himself lets her touch him, embraces her back. this fragment of himself was still blindly trusting, hadn't had his heart ripped out. that came later.

that one's back in reality, snapping out of what had just happened to him. sitting up experimentally. ]

Yeah.

[ if there was one thing he still cared about in this horrible, broken world, it was finn. finn saved him from certain death. finn chose to be good in a world where nothing matters. finn chose him in a world where nothing matters.

if nobody was intrinsically good, if everyone was just whatever they chose to be with a slant towards selfishness, those choices meant more to him now.

he wipes his face off with the sleeve of his jacket. had he been crying? he didn't remember crying, and the sleeve came up dry, but ...

it was easier not to think about it. ]

I'd like that a lot.

[ she reaches out to take his hand. in part to guide him, in part because it would keep her better attuned to his reactions in the strange new world of his loyalty to her new empire, and in part because she could not stand to watch him wipe the phantom tears from his face again. force help her, she didn't have the strength. ]

Come on.

[ she helps him off the bed and leads him to the door. it opens into a first order hallway. at first brush, it's no different than the first order had ever been. it really isn't different at all, yet. but there are ... hints. small things. stormtroopers without their helmets talk in the hallways.

it is, after all, their barracks. ]

I've always admired your resolve, Poe. You do the hard thing, even if it kills you. You don't compromise. That's what I need at my side.

[well, he's like a computer processing a software upgrade. trying to reconcile his past with who he is now. discovering that it was easier to just ... block some things out. shove them away. things that were too painful, pieces that didn't fit. he didn't need those.

as he walks with her, he takes in his surroundings neutrally. it's not an enemy stronghold; it's just another ship. stormtroopers are just people, but not people who he thinks need saving. not important. scenery.]

Yeah? [he tilts his head, considering the question like she'd just asked something as menial as what he'd like for lunch.] Yeah. Of course. I should've joined you a long time ago.

[why did he attach himself to a dying cause for so long? the writing had been on the wall ages ago. stubbornness, maybe.

like so many things, it was tossed into the box of things he didn't want to think about anymore.]

No.

[ she didn't want that either. his difficulty in accepting it, that had hurt her, but for him to write-off all of it as a bad call doesn't sit well either. because it's not ... him. she wanted to change his mind, not change him. ]

You didn't have all the information. You were afraid. That's not ... You just know better now.

[ that's all. he's seen the world as it really is. her hand squeezes his. ]

General Hux and Captain Phasma have been relieved of their commands. I'll need people I trust to fill their stations. Finn is the only one I trust to oversee the stormtrooper program's transition, but you ...

You've worked with the rebels for such a long time. It's in your blood. I was only adopted into it. Your understanding of military maneuvers and politics will help us expand our influence.

[WELL YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS REY SMDH. you can't change his mind without changing him so enjoy the consequences of your actions. /rockets out.]

So, what, you want me to be your general? [he smiles, but even that is different. it doesn't quite reach his eyes.] Well, getting these guys to not suck is gonna be a challenge, but I think I'm up to it.

Precisely.

[ she smiles. that's the first time he's sounded like himself. it's just the surface, just the hint of it, but it's there and real. he'll come back to himself. he'll settle in, and it will be like before. ]

It's going to take all of us to hold this ship together. To keep it flying straight. Ah, here— [ she stops in front of a set of double doors. the aurebesh over them reads 'TRAINING CENTER.' it's like balamb garden ok. ] Finn should be here.

[The large room is mostly empty as they come in, besides the small group on the far side of the room.

Finn doesn't want to be here, but he also doesn't want to leave. Foolishly, he's still clinging to the idea that, if he sticks around long enough, he'll figure out how to snap Rey out of all of this. He still thinks the Resistance will show up to save the day.

He doesn't know the war is already over, hasn't accepted that it already is.

He remembers when Rey went down to try and finish things, though. She'd promised to let Poe live; it was the one thing that Finn couldn't live with, if he died and left him to this task all by himself. Try as he might, he couldn't best Kylo Ren in combat, and he couldn't bring himself to try and hurt Rey, as if she would even let him.

So as he waits, he's given himself the one task that doesn't weight heavy on his conscious; he's teaching the younger troopers-in-training some self-defense.

A small group of kids stand opposite him, them with a makeshift practice blade, and him with a plastic shield to block. He lets them come at him, over and over, pushing aside their attacks with ease, yelling orders and attack as they do their best to follow along.

It's not wrong to teach a bunch of kids how to defend themselves, right?]

Come on! Again!

[He doesn't even hear them coming in or crossing the distance toward him.]

[as soon as he sees finn, it's almost like he's himself again. his excitement is genuine — he never thought he'd see him again, after all. he wrenches free of rey's handholding in favor of running towards finn for a hug. just seeing him, knowing he was okay ... it made everything a little easier. the rough and jagged parts of him were smoothed out.]

Finn! Buddy! [welcome to your big gay hug.] I'm so — I didn't think I'd — I missed you.

[ some part of her feels guilt creeping on as she watches poe hurry to finn, offering him an embrace. the bigger part of her just wonders if finn will realize how she won poe over. it was the only hope she had of getting him to fully commit to this, bringing both of them on board; she would never have one without the other.

once, she had felt some chagrin, recognizing that she would never be to finn what poe was. but what they had, that was good too. different, but still good.

now it too had become a tool, a circumstance for her to weigh and consider. that was thrawn's influence. ]

We found him on Crait.

[Finn hears Poe's voice and he's already standing straight from his semi-crouch. The kid is asking him a question, but he isn't really listening anymore, turning and throwing the shield aside so he can open up his arms before the other man reaches him.

Big gay hug returned.

It's a relief, seeing him. But there's mixed emotions there, because he knows that if Poe is here, it's probably over. He wouldn't have come quietly.]

I missed you too.

[His grip is tight and he doesn't seem to even want to let go, but he looks at Rey over Poe's shoulder, meeting her gaze.]

Thank you.

[For not letting him die.]

[ yeah it's okay poe doesn't seem to want to let go, either. maybe they'll just hug forever. that's fine.

finn's words — clearly not directed at him — make him glance back at rey. confused for a second, but then not. he gets it. ]

You kept me alive because Finn asked you to.

[ not an accusation, like it might have been before. just a question disguised as a statement.

(before, he might have taken it as a sign that there was still some good in her. but he knows she needed a general, so it was probably coincidentally in line with what she'd wanted all along. recruiting him and keeping finn in line.) ]

[ finn's words may not seem like much — obvious, even. but to rey they mean everything. they make it worthwhile, doing this. they help her see that she has done it, reached what she has waited for all this time. it's going to be alright. they're going to help her.

so when poe speaks up, she's ready for it. ]

Not only.

[ and it's not a lie — she of course cared for him as well. that could not go ignored. ]

But … [ she smiles. ] It's good to see the two of you happy. [ it's all she wants — this, what they have together, but made possible the galaxy wide. ]

[There's a sour feeling deep in his gut, the way she smiles clenches a fist around his chest, making it harder to breathe.

Because, for just a moment, it almost felt like it used to be.

And then he remembers where they are.

He finally pulls back from the hug, turning his head towards the kids to yell-]

You're dismissed. Head back to your rooms and wait for further instructions.

[They all start to head off without another word, and he turns back to Poe, giving him his full attention.]

I didn't think she'd get you to agree to come.

[ he shakes his head, unable or unwilling to think about the circumstances that led him to be here. why had he tried so hard? been so angry? wasted so much time and energy? it was easier to just not. don't look back.

he turns his attention back to finn, running his fingers down the length of his arm before taking his hand. like if they weren't touching, he might disappear. ]

Well, you know, I was tired of being on the losing side. How much do you have to lose before you realize there's no point to it? For me, everything, I guess. I never have known when to quit. But it's okay, you know? Because I have you. And the three of us are gonna fix everything.

[ his tone is so removed and casual. it's ... not good. this is not poe dameron. ]

[ this cavalier dismissal curdles her blood — it's not the guilt she had been feeling before. this is something else. dread? yes. this is recognition of the fact that finn, too, will spot it for what it is, and recognize that poe is too laissez-faire about this whole thing. ]

We're going to build a brighter galaxy. Together.

[ she believes that. her conviction, at least, is powerful. powerful enough that she would strip poe of much of his self to do it. what else would be gone? what else would be different because of what she had done?

there's nothing productive down that road, so rey abandons it as she has always done with fruitless yearning. they have a purpose. that's worth more. ]

My hope was that we could show Poe around and get him comfortable.

[He notices, god he notices, and something goes cold in the pit of his stomach, freezing his insides and slowly spreading until he can barely move, speak or think. He just looks at the other man, trying to read his expression, trying to find some indication that he doesn't actually believe what he's saying, that he's just saying it for the sake of keeping the peace in this moment.

Finn isn't sure he sees it.

His eyes flick between Poe and Rey as he swallows back his dread, already created by the fact that Poe was here at all. Is this what he was left with? The shells of his friends, shadows of who they both used to be?

He grips Poe's hand tighter, as if that will fix things. Somehow.]

Right. [Show him around. Get him 'comfortable.' Make the world a better place. He'll believe it when it happens. In the meantime, all he can do is try to make things better here, piece by piece, until they do something to stop him, too if he goes too far.] We wouldn't want you to get lost or something.

Edited 2018-01-28 20:58 (UTC)

[he squeezes finn's hand in return, because he really does care about finn. that's a part of him that remains undiluted. one of very few. his love of finn and his belief in rey — but the latter is distorted. twisted around, reshaped to fit through the peg she'd been trying to shove it in. rey can save a galaxy that needed her, because it was broken and corrupt. he could help her.

both of them could help her. like before. ]

Yeah? I'm sure I'd figure it out sooner or later. I've got a good sense of direction.

[if they're not talking about anything remotely near the lane of rey's galactic discourse, it's almost like he's normal. he hits all the same beats poe dameron would have before, but ... but. there's something almost uncanny valley about it.]

[ a part of her remains reluctant to let poe out of her sight. to let finn out of her sight. they might try to escape. finn, more than poe. but if this is going to work, she'll have to eventually, and …

she knows it will hold. in her bones, she can feel it. the force telling her that this is safe and done, finally. she claps one hand on finn's arm, holding her smile. ]

I'll leave you to it, then. Come find me when you're done, and I'll show Poe his new quarters. The sooner we can get started, the better.

Yeah, we just need to get everyone else used to seeing you around.

[Sometimes, people were idiots, and if they saw the Resistance's best pilot just wandering around, well...

...Rey would probably destroy them, but Finn would rather avoid that kind of problem altogether. He glances over at Rey, still unsure, but if she's gonna let them go alone for a while, Finn is going to use that time to figure out Poe, to see where they stand.

To see if they have any hope left at all or if this is what he's left with, making the best of a really bad situation.]

It shouldn't take too long.

[poe seems ... unconcerned. so that's cool. that's his new vibe. also, he's just going to say that out loud, since he arrived to the same conclusion. ]

If anyone wanted to try anything towards me, Rey would take care of it.

[he glances over at rey too, like ah yes my best friend who's going to save the galaxy. not someone i was vehemently angry at for trying to destroy the galaxy earlier today.]

Don't worry so much. Everything's gonna be fine. [he takes his other hand, the one that isn't participating in handholding, and uses it to touch finn's face, cupping his cheek in his palm.]

[ a calm settles over rey's expression with poe's affirmation. she makes the briefest of eye contact with finn, as if to impress upon him how true that is of them both — that she would protect them, that all of this had always been to protect them — and turns to excuse herself from their company for now. ]

[Finn's gaze flicks to Rey and he simply nods ever so slightly in response. Out of everything, this is probably the one thing he believes fully, that Rey is trying her best to protect them.

He's just not sure if that's what's resulted in all of this in the first place.

Rey starts to leave and Finn's gaze returns to Poe, whose hand is warm against his cheek.]

I worried about you a lot. It's hard to just turn that off. [He's still worried, but he's here, and that's a start.] Come on, I'll show you around and you can rest if you want.

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followhim - 2018-02-13 05:27 (UTC) - Expand

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