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WISH LIST

★ my dark au kink:
+ being captured by the first order and subjected to reconditioning
+ trying to turn him back with the power of gay love and friendship (and possibly failing)
+ he was always a first order tie fighter pilot instead of winter soldiered
+ poe and finn first order murder squad (dynamics if they were both stormtroopers? running away together?)
+ ^ part b: the fam that gets captured and reconditioned together… stays…together…
+ Interesting Dynamics with kylo and hux from dark aus

★ finn stuff
+ what will they do after the war? romantic vacations? homesteading? sending finn's spit to space 23andme?
+ infinite escape reimagining/aus, stormpilot escape room reigning champions

★ rey stuff
+ relationship of convenience because they're both In Denial
+ sith princess rey aus where he tries to save her and/or she turns him

★ kylo stuff
+ infinite interrogating/torture room reimagining/aus
+ ^ part b: stockholm syndrome?
+ We Need to Talk about Leia

★ general
+ honestly anything regarding leia (esp processing grief post-tros)
+ talking about his sketchy spice runner past (possibly playing things taking place during that time in his life?)
+ ^ same for things taking place during academy/new republic tbh
+ i love aus. modern aus, vampire aus, a/b/o aus, let's au the entire world
+ i prefer m/m for poe but am good with most ships

kinks if ya nasty

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[he relaxes against the invisible pressure holding him down, not because he's actually relaxed in any capacity, but because he knows his energy could be spent on better things. eventually.

with a sigh, he goes up to bat again. is he going to turn her? probably not. but he couldn't give up. trying to make her mad enough to collapse a cavern on them had been a last-ditch strategy, not the end game.]

I think the real you is still in there somewhere. [note: the "real" you, not the "old" you.] You're just ... lost. Scared. You're clinging to this because it's easy. Doing the right thing is hard. Trust me, I know. I know that more than anything. But, you can't ... you can't fool yourself into thinking that it doesn't matter.

You think seizing control of the First Order has been easy?

[ frankly if it weren't so absurd, she might be offended. ]

Fighting with you? With Finn? Poe, it's the hardest thing I've ever done.

[ and it's the truth. the gray complications of accepting that the light side wasn't always good and the dark side wasn't always wrong had been ... well, it had changed her, on some basic compositional level. it had forced her to confront so many things. to rebuild her assumptions. but around the same core fundamentals. the same values that she and poe shared. ]

[yes, he thinks, of course it's easier. maybe not the struggle to the top, but from there on out it had to be smooth sailing. having the supplies, the firepower, the sheer numbers. not having to lose people over and over again, each loss made more personal simply out of having the numbers small enough to actually know each person personally. recruiting people to a dying cause, but not giving up because there was still some part of him that was still that cocksure fighter pilot who refused to pull out of a botched mission, who still believed he could win and all the blood spilled to get there would be justifable if he could just make it that far.

but he can't say anything like that, not to her. she wouldn't understand. too selfish to see it. so he goes for the personal appeal.]

You don't want to fight us? Then stop. You have all the power. You could disband the First Order. Make something else. You could do anything, and you're choosing this.

[ she shakes her head even before he finishes speaking. she already knows what this is. she knows because it wasn't so long ago that she was on the other side of it, making the same appeal to ben. ]

Disbanding the First Order would only make the chaos greater. More people would suffer. But I am making something else, out of it. Snoke is gone. Luke is gone. We get to choose what comes next.

What proof do you want that I'm not going to be like them?

[so many things he could say, but it's all succinctly summed up in two words:]

End it.

["let me go, let finn go, stop killing the resistance" ... it's all, for the most part. personal. but the war wasn't just rey or him or finn, it was about everyone. leia drilled that much into his thick skull, if nothing else. peace for him personally by her throwing him a bone and doing some small favor wasn't real peace. it wasn't worth having.]

I already have.

[ the immediate and stark distance that dips into her voice as she says this is the kind that makes stomachs drop. she sighs, lifting herself off the bunk. ]

When you refused to surrender, so did the rest of your forces. [ she turns to look back at him. ] The Resistance is gone, Poe. You and Finn are all that remains. I didn't want to tell you this way.

[there's a cold, empty despair inside him that spreads before she even finishes saying what he already knows she's going to say. he should've known that was coming from the moment he woke up here. there was no other way for it to end.

time to make good on the words he'd uttered multiple times. he couldn't speak for finn, didn't know if he'd buckle or not -- but he knows himself.]

As long as I'm alive, the Resistance is. I'm never gonna bow to you, Rey. Kill me or keep me locked up like you've got Finn, it doesn't matter.

I don't want you to bow.

[ she shakes her head. ]

I want you on my side.

[ and now that she has the kind of power she has, she doesn't have to just want and wait anymore. she can have it. she looks him over sadly. no. he'll never forgive her this. but he doesn't have to. ]

I know you miss it too.

I miss it. I miss the Rey I used to know. I miss having her by my side. You, you're ... I don't even know you.

[he can't do it. he can't turn her. he never could. there's not a happy ending to this.

maybe dying would be okay. he could go become one with the force. see his mom again.]

I can't give that back to you. Ben told me something once. He said ... that we have to let the past die.

[ she seems to think through it as she speaks. ]

I'll help you.

[ she lifts her hand, extending it towards poe, and then he feels it. a familiar pressure, bearing down around his mind. ]

[he feels it; he knows what's happening. her told her how much it broke him, the first time with kylo ren, and here she was, trying to do the same. another weakness he'd handed off to her before he ever considered the possibility of it being used against him.

the rey he knew was gone. completely and truly. he knows that now. he doesn't have to hold on to that notion anymore.]

I don't want your help! [the words come out as a growl, and he tries again to struggle against his invisible restraints.] Stop!

[he tries to press back, tries to fight it, because he's a fighter. that's who he is as a person. but 1) he's not a force user, and 2) he's already so broken. so tired. something in him had snapped, been crushed, and now he knows the dying is the only way left to get out.]

I know.

[ the levee breaks. tears roll down her cheeks — not just due to the pain she sees in him, though she can feel it now, great and considerable, reminding her that he hates her for this, that he sees her as a monster. but also because she doesn't like having to do it either. it's simply necessary.

it's a gift, without which poe would never be able to find peace in this life. she wants him to be free of that suffering. if it will take just a little more to get there, well—like he said. the right thing is rarely easy to do. ]

Shh. [ she can't stand to hear him as she delves into his mind. ] Please, just stop.

[ it sounds like she is the one being tortured. and, buried in his mind as she is, she feels it just as keenly. only she feels too the guilt, and knows that it will be with her forever. poe, soon, will be free of this.

she roots around, tearing down the barriers he tries to put up. searching for that one moment, the instant that made it impossible for him to understand her. something in his life, in his upbringing, that kept him from seeing it. that would be what she took. ]

[ there's a lot of pain to shuffle through, pain he never properly dealt with. losing leia, losing finn, losing rey (he did lose her), losing every single person who rallied behind him. they all believed in him, and he let them down. every action he'd taken, always so sure that everything would work out — that was his personal motto, after all, things just work themselves out — everything was wrong, and now he was all alone.

he really did want to help her, believed that there was some part of her buried deep, that if he just reached out in the right way, said the right thing, he could bring her back. he believed it despite every horrible thing she'd done. despite what she'd done to finn. he was so righteous, believed so strongly that everyone was fundamentally good, and he knew she was, because he'd seen that goodness in her before. it was only now that he gave up. killing the rest of the resistance was stepping to the edge of the threshold, and digging into his mind was leaping off it.

she has to spend some time digging, honestly, because it's buried deep. deep, but still bright and clear. a fundamental part of who he is. something that shaped him. she would know it; it hadn't been a story he'd been shy about retelling. at least, not the broad strokes of it.

sitting outside with his mother — there was no mistaking that's who she was, there was a resemblance, most notably in her equally ridiculous hair. poe, who couldn't be older than six or so, crying over a dead bird. her explaining that sometimes bad things happen to remind us of what's important. he'd be nicer to birds now, wouldn't he? sometimes bad things happen, but it would be okay. the galaxy is a good place. things balance out.]

[ by the time she roots herself deep enough in his mind to reach this memory, it is as though she is standing there, over his mother's shoulder, listening to the very same lecture she had heard poe recount a dozen different ways. in times of heartache. in times of doubt. once, to try and assuage her shame and guilt about the bond she shared with ben, while she was still torn over it.

a lifetime ago.

she steps around shara bey to crouch beside them, covering the bird with one hand. she takes it and breaks the head back. it is dead already. it feels no pain. but the neck splits, the feathers come apart in her hand. the head comes loose and there is blood on her hands. on poe's knee where he crouches. on his fingers.

it hurts her to take this from him. this one good thing. this shining, bright memory. but she holds the bird out to him, a piece of it in each hand, and she says over shara bey's voice, ]

The universe can be a dark place. It is up to you to make it good. Will you help me?

[he is aptly horrified as a small child or even grown adult might be when a lady shows up and covers you in bird blood. he stares at her, no longer crying but face still stained with tears. in shock. motionless.]

Okay.

[he says it as a child, but somehow the present day him says it too. he lets go of everything. the universe isn't good. it's darkness and chaos and people dying for no reason. senseless. meaningless. brutal and cold.

but rey could fix it. he could fix it with her.

okay.]

[ she can feel the calm wash over him. his body stops fighting her, somewhere far away in the physical world. she reaches out to touch his hair, embrace this child version of himself. his hair is thick and coarse and feels real in her hands the same way ben feels real when she reaches out to him across the force. this, she supposes, is no different really.

the sigh she exhales is both real and a mental projection. it is one resigned to accepting the weight of this burden, the responsibility of helping him survive in a world where there is no resistance. ]

Would you like to go see Finn now?

[ suddenly she is standing beside him in the room again. the child is gone, and she has stopped restraining him. the pressure has gone from his limbs. ]

[ the six-year-old iteration of himself lets her touch him, embraces her back. this fragment of himself was still blindly trusting, hadn't had his heart ripped out. that came later.

that one's back in reality, snapping out of what had just happened to him. sitting up experimentally. ]

Yeah.

[ if there was one thing he still cared about in this horrible, broken world, it was finn. finn saved him from certain death. finn chose to be good in a world where nothing matters. finn chose him in a world where nothing matters.

if nobody was intrinsically good, if everyone was just whatever they chose to be with a slant towards selfishness, those choices meant more to him now.

he wipes his face off with the sleeve of his jacket. had he been crying? he didn't remember crying, and the sleeve came up dry, but ...

it was easier not to think about it. ]

I'd like that a lot.

[ she reaches out to take his hand. in part to guide him, in part because it would keep her better attuned to his reactions in the strange new world of his loyalty to her new empire, and in part because she could not stand to watch him wipe the phantom tears from his face again. force help her, she didn't have the strength. ]

Come on.

[ she helps him off the bed and leads him to the door. it opens into a first order hallway. at first brush, it's no different than the first order had ever been. it really isn't different at all, yet. but there are ... hints. small things. stormtroopers without their helmets talk in the hallways.

it is, after all, their barracks. ]

I've always admired your resolve, Poe. You do the hard thing, even if it kills you. You don't compromise. That's what I need at my side.

[well, he's like a computer processing a software upgrade. trying to reconcile his past with who he is now. discovering that it was easier to just ... block some things out. shove them away. things that were too painful, pieces that didn't fit. he didn't need those.

as he walks with her, he takes in his surroundings neutrally. it's not an enemy stronghold; it's just another ship. stormtroopers are just people, but not people who he thinks need saving. not important. scenery.]

Yeah? [he tilts his head, considering the question like she'd just asked something as menial as what he'd like for lunch.] Yeah. Of course. I should've joined you a long time ago.

[why did he attach himself to a dying cause for so long? the writing had been on the wall ages ago. stubbornness, maybe.

like so many things, it was tossed into the box of things he didn't want to think about anymore.]

No.

[ she didn't want that either. his difficulty in accepting it, that had hurt her, but for him to write-off all of it as a bad call doesn't sit well either. because it's not ... him. she wanted to change his mind, not change him. ]

You didn't have all the information. You were afraid. That's not ... You just know better now.

[ that's all. he's seen the world as it really is. her hand squeezes his. ]

General Hux and Captain Phasma have been relieved of their commands. I'll need people I trust to fill their stations. Finn is the only one I trust to oversee the stormtrooper program's transition, but you ...

You've worked with the rebels for such a long time. It's in your blood. I was only adopted into it. Your understanding of military maneuvers and politics will help us expand our influence.

[WELL YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS REY SMDH. you can't change his mind without changing him so enjoy the consequences of your actions. /rockets out.]

So, what, you want me to be your general? [he smiles, but even that is different. it doesn't quite reach his eyes.] Well, getting these guys to not suck is gonna be a challenge, but I think I'm up to it.

Precisely.

[ she smiles. that's the first time he's sounded like himself. it's just the surface, just the hint of it, but it's there and real. he'll come back to himself. he'll settle in, and it will be like before. ]

It's going to take all of us to hold this ship together. To keep it flying straight. Ah, here— [ she stops in front of a set of double doors. the aurebesh over them reads 'TRAINING CENTER.' it's like balamb garden ok. ] Finn should be here.

[The large room is mostly empty as they come in, besides the small group on the far side of the room.

Finn doesn't want to be here, but he also doesn't want to leave. Foolishly, he's still clinging to the idea that, if he sticks around long enough, he'll figure out how to snap Rey out of all of this. He still thinks the Resistance will show up to save the day.

He doesn't know the war is already over, hasn't accepted that it already is.

He remembers when Rey went down to try and finish things, though. She'd promised to let Poe live; it was the one thing that Finn couldn't live with, if he died and left him to this task all by himself. Try as he might, he couldn't best Kylo Ren in combat, and he couldn't bring himself to try and hurt Rey, as if she would even let him.

So as he waits, he's given himself the one task that doesn't weight heavy on his conscious; he's teaching the younger troopers-in-training some self-defense.

A small group of kids stand opposite him, them with a makeshift practice blade, and him with a plastic shield to block. He lets them come at him, over and over, pushing aside their attacks with ease, yelling orders and attack as they do their best to follow along.

It's not wrong to teach a bunch of kids how to defend themselves, right?]

Come on! Again!

[He doesn't even hear them coming in or crossing the distance toward him.]

[as soon as he sees finn, it's almost like he's himself again. his excitement is genuine — he never thought he'd see him again, after all. he wrenches free of rey's handholding in favor of running towards finn for a hug. just seeing him, knowing he was okay ... it made everything a little easier. the rough and jagged parts of him were smoothed out.]

Finn! Buddy! [welcome to your big gay hug.] I'm so — I didn't think I'd — I missed you.

[ some part of her feels guilt creeping on as she watches poe hurry to finn, offering him an embrace. the bigger part of her just wonders if finn will realize how she won poe over. it was the only hope she had of getting him to fully commit to this, bringing both of them on board; she would never have one without the other.

once, she had felt some chagrin, recognizing that she would never be to finn what poe was. but what they had, that was good too. different, but still good.

now it too had become a tool, a circumstance for her to weigh and consider. that was thrawn's influence. ]

We found him on Crait.

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