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WISH LIST
★ my dark au kink:
+ being captured by the first order and subjected to reconditioning
+ trying to turn him back with the power of gay love and friendship (and possibly failing)
+ he was always a first order tie fighter pilot instead of winter soldiered
+ poe and finn first order murder squad (dynamics if they were both stormtroopers? running away together?)
+ ^ part b: the fam that gets captured and reconditioned together… stays…together…
+ Interesting Dynamics with kylo and hux from dark aus
★ finn stuff
+ what will they do after the war? romantic vacations? homesteading? sending finn's spit to space 23andme?
+ infinite escape reimagining/aus, stormpilot escape room reigning champions
★ rey stuff
+ relationship of convenience because they're both In Denial
+ sith princess rey aus where he tries to save her and/or she turns him
★ kylo stuff
+ infinite interrogating/torture room reimagining/aus
+ ^ part b: stockholm syndrome?
+ We Need to Talk about Leia
★ general
+ honestly anything regarding leia (esp processing grief post-tros)
+ talking about his sketchy spice runner past (possibly playing things taking place during that time in his life?)
+ ^ same for things taking place during academy/new republic tbh
+ i love aus. modern aus, vampire aus, a/b/o aus, let's au the entire world
+ i prefer m/m for poe but am good with most ships
kinks if ya nasty
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where all logic would say to give up, that this isn't really finn, he can't. poe dameron is literally incapable of giving up. even when he was trying to give up he was still holding out on the dl. there's some part of finn still in there somewhere. he's as sure of it as he is of anything. under all the crying and panic attacks there is someone brave and good.
and even if there wasn't, even if there were no hidden layers and it was panic attacks all the way down, different-finn was still a person worth saving. he doesn't know how to get it across to him, because he's tried it in multiple earnest gay, dramatic ways with varying results, but he's not giving up. not going anywhere.]
It's okay. I get it. Why you had to go.
[and ... it is okay. it hurt a lot and sent him into a four-day depression spiral, but he can get it. it was what finn needed, probably. to be given the choice to go back to figure out what he actually wanted. to realize it wasn't what he actually wanted.
(like when my indoor cats sneak outside and then hide under the porch crying until someone lets them back in.)]Thanks for coming back. I was -- I worried about you.
[bb-8 takes the opportunity to beep loudly in the background like "that is a fuckin understatement you were lying in bed crying about how the patch of sunshine on the wall reminded you of finn but ok." if only finn knew binary. maybe someday.
anyway he doesn't know how to deal with the crying besides more hugging. maybe he'll cry a little, too. cryfest 2k18 turrning into a biannual event. or weekly event. or, most realistically, a daily event.]
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there are so many threads in my finn rp career where him knowing binary would immediately let him in on the hottest gossip and yet he's never learned it in any thread or au. wtf. finn get on board. ]
-- yeah, no problem. [ i don't have words to describe his tone of voice exactly. like a weird, disbelieving, softly but with a lot of feeling 'what the fuck' gratitude level. he didn't expect a thanks he doesn't know what to do with it. frames it and puts it on the ol mental wall, probably.
he doesn't think he'll ever get used to poe. it's like dropping a rock in water. there were some considerable ripples but the water was definitely still there when they stopped. poe is still here and he might be the reason the stars come out at night?? sources still confirming on that one. ]
I'd say I was worried about you, but. [ mostly he was in the void. ] Couldn't really settle on just one thing.
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[what a joke. he has never had less control over anything, including and not limited to that crash landing on jakku. or the crash landing on coruscant to be honest; that might have actually been worse because it took longer. this is a crash landing that takes even longer in that it never actually ends. just a rapid downward spiral of "what is my life right now even." sometimes he thinks he makes some progress up, but then he just slides back on down. now is an upswing, though. maybe he'll find purchase this time.
besides, does he even look like he has anything under control??? like, on an external level? no. look at him. a gay disaster garbage man. who was crying as recently as a few seconds ago. but he's trying. now that he has a purpose again, he can go back to 100 emoji-ing that purpose and stop panicking. (on the inside.)
he pulls away a little bit and claps finn on the shoulder. that is a normal thing to do. he is emulating normal behavior. maybe if he tries hard enough, it'll come true. fake it 'til you make it is the current big mood of his entire existence.]
I — do you want to come in? [no poe he wants to keep sitting outside the ship??? dumbass.] BB-8 and I cleaned it up a little. [bb-8. he means just bb-8. but his son won't rat him out this time ... finn wouldn't even appreciate it. his dissent keeps falling on deaf ears. seriously finn, learn binary.]
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but he knows what he doesn't want.
he doesn't want to be alone.
he doesn't want to leave poe again. his "nice things"-odometer got a hard reset. he's not a dumb baby duck irl he's just sad and gay and tired like everyone else in this universe, and he's like, maybe i'll hang onto this thing as long as i can even if i don't know what to do with it. deserving doesn't matter.
he doesn't wanna keep sitting outside the ship forever. that was just his plan for if poe found a better way off-world while they were having their montage. ]
Yeah. Sure, yeah, that-- I'd like that. [ new mission: be Good. don't complain even if there's still rats. don't get eaten by the rats he doesn't know are dead yet. that's the whole mission.
just gonna scrub at his face a little and get up and tackle this... week? maybe someone threw away a calendar they can use someday. it's been A Time Span. and he will tackle it one thing at a time hopefully. he doesn't know. ]
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but he will hold his hand to sort of pull him inside because he has been converted into this "get this what if we all hold hands all the time" way of life.
the ship is ... cleaner. some improvements have been made. it's not the nicest place to ever exist, but it doesn't look like a such a disaster zone anymore, either. and, poe will helpfully state the obvious — ]
There's not rats anymore.
[more greatest hits from poe "my foot is permanently lodged in my mouth" dameron, along with others like "do you want to come inside" and "'you're alive!' 'you too'."
but honestly like his say super obvious things because i'm Not Good at Feelings levels are through the roof right now. he is constantly moments away from knocking the finn jenga tower over and having another GOODBYE FOREVER moment. in his own mind.]
Do you want — you can pick out a room if you want. None of them really have ... they're kind of just rooms.
[wow.]
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[ finn, even without all the Good Shit like memories, is still a petty bi. he was immediately prepared for rats. he's also kind of trying out the tread carefully vibe, even if he's not 100% sure what he's trying to step around or anything. he would probably die for poe and this has gone from "nice person giving me a ride i don't deserve, get to resistance, immediately bounce" to "okay i don't want to make him upset and it's up to me to not say Even More super negative shit that keeps making him upset, i guess, since we're both adults."
and then maybe get to the resistance and immediately bounce, he's not sure. he's just trying his best on this bitch of a planet. ]
Doesn't really matter. [ he can do this. he's......... a casual man. ] I think most rooms are just rooms. So that's. Fine.
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If you don't want — [ he doesn't know how to say "i don't even want to let you out of my eyesight at this point in time because i am dealing with a lot of Issues." ] You could stay with me in my room for a little while. Unless you want to be alone. There's not a lot to do around here. Besides work on the ship. If you wanna do that.
[ hopefully he doesn't because then poe would have to admit to himself that he did 0 percent of work on his vacation down into the abyss. ]
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finn appreciates that poe is a disaster of different calibre but equal magnitude. even if he hasn't technically consciously 100% figured out that that's a thing that's going on. poe says stuff like "i'm scared" or "idk what i'm doing" but like. it's a whole thing.
finn open book lastname strikes again, ftr, because his whole face is pretty much like oh hey literally the last thing i want in the world right now is to be alone and he's just throwing Not Alone onto the table, how is he even still... this nice... ]
You wouldn't mind?
[ welcome to sad gay hell vol. 1 of 2. ]
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No! [ too enthusiastic. tone it down. ] No. [ he's never been much for lying — or very good at being anything other than direct. so he just lays his cards down on the table. says it how it is. ] I don't want to be alone. It's been lonely around here.
[ bb-8 beeps indignantly because poe wasn't alone and he cannot believe. poe glances over at him like i also cannot believe my son is trying to ruin my moment. ] Come on, BB, you know what I mean. I don't do well with quiet. Or alone.
[ on that note, he's just gonna ... wander towards his room. by taking a few steps i guess. it's not exactly a mansion over here. new and exciting things to note are that while one panel of the door is still stuck in closed position, bb-8 cut out the lower half of it and basically made himself a doggy door. he really brought his a-game to this episode of extreme home makeover. ]
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Neither do I.
[ see, he can also say an honest thing that's not an argument. ]
I'm too used to barracks.
[ how do u sleep alone and without the sound of at least one other person snoring or rolling over or whatever. can't relate, it makes everything awful. ]
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Me too, I guess.
[ not in the same way ... he actually did have his own room at some point in his life. for many many years. but the new republic had barracks and resistance bases aren't exactly five-star hotel accommodations. he's used to the ambient noise.
back in right now, he takes a seat on the edge of his bed. the shitty blanket is sort of crumpled up in a corner of the bed, there are some wrappers on the floor. he wasn't expecting company to his depressive episode, don't @ him.
the seating options are a: also on the bed or b: a desk chair at the desk that is currently being used as a table for depression snacks. he doesn't want to be like "hey sit on the bed with me", so he just sort of sits there like an awkward middle schooler. ]
Um ... you know, wherever.
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sometimes it kind of feels like that. ]
Probably a good thing the rats are gone. You know. All things considered.
[ he nods towards bb-8's droid door. it seems like the thing to say. while his brain is working overtime on its usual "now what do i do as a human person" bullshit. ]
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Yeah. It was BB-8. He's ... he's more than just an astromech droid. He does a lot.
[bb-8 takes that cue to roll up to finn and open one of his lil storage compartments to reveal the ring and chain that finn tried to shove back at poe and that poe let fall on the floor while he was busy having his heart being broken. bb-8 took care of it.
poe was right, he's more than just an astromech droid. bb-8 is the glue that holds the galaxy together and if you disagree, you're wrong.]
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things that finn forgot about while he spent that couple of days dissociating and trying to pretend he didn't exist in real life: the ring thing. oh boy, that really happened. holy shit. that feels like it was a year ago. thankfully the droid at the center of everything good in the galaxy, who is also a rat-catcher, saved it.
well saved it from sitting on the floor for a long-ass time, but like, that's still saving it. bb-8 does more than either of them. he's the hero of this story.
i can't wait for episode ix where he reveals that he had the jacket all along.
finn cautiously adds it to his "one item in one hand" inventory. if only bc bb-8 seems pretty expectant about this particular power move he's dropping. and then he hesitates. and then he kinda holds it out in poe's direction because he did at some dramatic point give it back and he doesn't know the promise ring protocol during times like these. ]
I don't know if-- [ ??????
Do You Want This Back he guesses, he's trying to be on his best not overdramatic behavior. ]
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poe stares down at bb-8 like wtf?? he forgot it too somehow? he thought it was still on the floor just like all his hopes and dreams. at the very least, he was not in on this plan. so he responds by frowning slightly, and gently pushing finn's outstretched hand away with his own. ]
No, I gave it to you. [and then he felt kind of weird and naked without the last remaining piece of his mom, but then he had multiple days to think about other things instead, shoving it down to the least of his worries. that said, he can't even imagine taking it back now. it was a good idea, it felt right, and shara bey would be proud of him probably. she is still in force ghost heaven giving him a thumbs up.] I can't take it back. I want you to have it.
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i mean that's very nice and a kind thing to do. finn could probably wrangle it back around his neck one-handed, but it would be a whole awkward production managing it. and he's not gonna let go of poe's hand with his other hand for that so. he will just very, very carefully put it in his pocket for now. ]
Then thanks. Again.
[ it's... kind of a relief to have it back. in a weird way he can't define yet. poe is as much of a solid anchor as anything now, but the ring meant something. still means something. the fact that he offered it at all meant something.
finn scuffs the heel of his boot against the floor like all chill people do. one day poe will have his light-up skechers for this occasion. ]
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[ sometimes we have to make sacrifices in the name of being otters, and if that means not going full gay, it's fine.
he had one (1) thing of value and he gave it to finn. besides like, bb-8. who is clearly not a thing. rey wouldn't trade him in .05 seconds after meeting him, poe would protect him with his life. and anyway finn is clearly also bb-8's dad. he's attached. after that he's got like ... his blaster. clothes? maybe one day he'll trade his leather jacket of the week for light-up skechers. they probably need them since the lower levels of coruscant are basically like twilight/nighttime forever. if you thought there was daylight at any point in this thread basically, you're wrong. good thing bb-8 got the electricity working with some rat corpses and a chewed up wad of gum.
anyway, leaving whatever the fuck that tangent was: poe is also scuffing his boot that isn't a light-up skecher against the floor. when you've got nowhere to go and nothing to do besides sit around and talk. two guys wallowing in existential dread, zero feet apart 'cause they are gay.]
Where did you go? What happened? ... If you wanna talk about it. You don't have to.
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poe poses a valid question. the record should show that it's fair and valid. ]
It's fine. [ like, he doesn't mind. storytime, he digs it. finn kinda has to stop and mull that whole answering thing over, though. not so much because he doesn't want to answer. mostly because he is now realizing how much stuff fell into the void during the "what happened" time period.
he clears his throat. casually. ] How long was it?
[ when dissociative fugue asks depressive fugue for help with timekeeping bc you hope it will maybe help you categorize what you do remember doing. finn, pal... you can't. ]
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the follow-up question takes him out of his mental pillow-stacking, though. mostly because he has to sit there himself thinking about how many days it was. he wasn't making marks on the wall like rey, okay. also: it's hard to keep track of time when a normal cycle is "dark times and a lil less dark times". ]
A few days. I think it's four. It's been four. [ he almost adds "i was trying to wait for you" but that sounds like too many emotions in one sentence. maybe he'll just say something dumb instead. ] It's hard to keep track of time.
[ he meant here, on the lower levels, because of the pre-established lack of daylight, but he decides to leave it there as a general statement instead. time is an elusive concept so don't feel bad buddy. ]
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Right. Didn't really do much. I don't think I did. I wasn't really-- I don't remember everything. [ fuckin disaster. ] Walked around. I think I made it up a few levels? But everything kind of looks the same. Lost the blaster. Not sure how. Saw a few stormtroopers. I thought... I don't know. I didn't think what I thought I would. Couldn't make myself get there.
[ he frowns. ]
I just wanted to find you again.
[ it's his badly-paced story, he can be a little gay if he wants to. ]
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Sounds like more than I did.
[ at least he can be relieved that it wasn't the worst thing that could have happened. what is the worst thing? he doesn't really know. maybe the scenario where he saw the stormtroopers and did make himself get there. maybe the scenario where he shows up covered in mysterious blood and gore? that would be bad. stop thinking of weird shit. ]
I was waiting for you. [ if finn can come out with "i wanted to find you", he can lay his gay shit down on the table, too. it's safe now. ] I was gonna work on the ship, but I didn't really get around to it. I went up to get supplies once. Mostly I was just kind of ... trying to catch up on sleep. Thinking. Ended up doing a lot of one and not much of the other.
But I didn't leave. I was gonna wait. As long as it takes.
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that is... some highkey gay shit.
he really doesn't know what to do with that. he remembers poe's whole "you don't do anything with it, you just accept it" thing, but does that apply when it's like. so much of a thing?
no one's ever done any of this for him before.
there could have been people once, he guesses, with the whole... reconditioning Thing.
they're not the ones who walked into a holding cell in stormtrooper armor, though.
finn thinks he might just do anything for this man.
and hey, maybe he doesn't have to necessarily deserve poe or all the nice stuff poe says and does if he's trying really hard to get the point where he can deserve it. maybe that's how self-care works. they need a book on self-care and emotional health, someone help them, they're dying.
finn got his crying done for the day already. there's still a big complicated knot of emotion in his chest for this that he doesn't know how to assess. he squeezes poe's hand. what are words for complex emotions and overwhelming gratitude. they can't possibly exist. ]
Got the feeling you're not usually good with waiting. [ there was a lot of very bold, naked hoping mixed in with all the rest when he made it back to the garbage levels. ]
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additionally: maybe there are ancient jedi self-care texts that literally anyone will find and read someday.
poe decides to react to the squeezing by putting his other free hand over their current clasped hands. he's feeling a lot of feelings, too, but he's constantly toeing the line of how much it feels right to spill out. anticipating overstepping a boundary, a point where it would be wrong to say too much because as much as he wants this to be finn, it's not the same version of finn. the framework, the context isn't there. it's ripped out. ]
I'm not. [ simple, honest. ] I was trying it out. [ oh no here it goes ] And it's not like I have any way to leave.
[ POE ELIZABETH DAMERON. i wanted to find a gif from firefly where simon tells kaylee she's the only available girl on the ship and she gets mad and everyone roasts him for being an idiot but i'm at work so. that's the entire mood here. ]
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Guess it does sound better when you act like you had a choice. [ part of him might be offended by the implication. he's not sure.
the thinking part of him is like, that's valid though. you threw his nice gift in his face and went to cry in the dump before turning yourself in to get murdered basically. literally who else would ever stick around just to wait for you to walk back into their part of the junkyard? ]
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I mean, it's not — it's not like that. I guess, I mean, I could've figured something out. But I wanted to stay. So I didn't.
[ he clears his throat before moving on to his next conversation topic. he's put more thought into this than whatever the fuck just happened, at least. ]
I've been thinking. About where we could go. Eventually. I think ... maybe I'm just gonna go home for awhile. We can go home. If you decide you don't wanna fight for the Resistance, it'll be okay. You'll have a place and my dad's gonna be there and ... it'll be fine. It'll all work out.
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SURPRISE i didn't forget this it just needed to marinate
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