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actual 100 emoji ([personal profile] followhim) wrote2017-05-28 07:08 pm

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WISH LIST

my dark au kink:
+ being captured by the first order and subjected to reconditioning
+ trying to turn him back with the power of gay love and friendship (and possibly failing)
+ he was always a first order tie fighter pilot instead of winter soldiered
+ poe and finn first order murder squad (dynamics if they were both stormtroopers? running away together?)
+ ^ part b: the fam that gets captured and reconditioned together… stays…together…
+ Interesting Dynamics with kylo and hux from dark aus


finn stuff
+ what will they do after the war? romantic vacations? homesteading? sending finn's spit to space 23andme?
+ infinite escape reimagining/aus, stormpilot escape room reigning champions

rey stuff
+ relationship of convenience because they're both In Denial
+ sith princess rey aus where he tries to save her and/or she turns him

kylo stuff
+ infinite interrogating/torture room reimagining/aus
+ ^ part b: stockholm syndrome?
+ We Need to Talk about Leia


general
+ honestly anything regarding leia (esp processing grief post-tros)
+ talking about his sketchy spice runner past (possibly playing things taking place during that time in his life?)
+ ^ same for things taking place during academy/new republic tbh
+ i love aus. modern aus, vampire aus, a/b/o aus, let's au the entire world
+ i prefer m/m for poe but am good with most ships

kinks if ya nasty
bythehand: (... always?)

[personal profile] bythehand 2018-03-26 08:20 pm (UTC)(link)
[ that's what he was aiming for. he doesn't know how else he could have gotten his point across and made sure it stuck. he's getting what he wanted. it's lashing out and finally making contact, feeling like maybe poe gets it.

it doesn't feel right. no matter what he's done or said in this whole mess, he hasn't felt like he's doing it right. too big to fit into one thing, not enough to fill up another.

it shouldn't hurt when he's the one who's doing this.

it hurts anyway.

that tracks with his life experience so far.

finn leaves.

he heads out into the junkyard to have his own crying and/or panic attack combo meal, wherein he... picks a direction and Goes In It. for a couple of days. maybe three. he's not paying attention. he's just like, there, and presumably doing things or going places because he'll occasionally remember that he exists and he won't be in the same place he was?

just like a nice continual stream of consciousness montage of alternating fear and detachment, as one does. sometimes trying to sort out his own personal timeline around holes that won't patch.

he finds his way a few levels up.

that character development's gonna swing back in the next tag bc i feel like it'll be too tl;dr to add onto this, so like. how's poe's montage. how's bb-8's rat army. i like to think they both stare dramatically at something while the camera cross-fades at some point, logistically. my name is dani, i shitpost to cover my sad rp feelings. ]
bythehand: (WILL I NEED THIS ICON?)

[personal profile] bythehand 2018-03-26 11:50 pm (UTC)(link)
[ depression and anxiety, separate yet together in their desolate giving-up.

finn doesn't really know what to do with this wealth of "there is no plan, exactly, do what you want i guess," in his life when he can be bothered to think about it. what he ends up doing with it is, as previously established, mostly nothing. he's resting at a very high percentage rate of sitting in junk and mentally tuning into white noise. concept of time who? he's not even here he doesn't know her.

he doesn't think he used to do that. he knows he didn't used to do that. he was-- he was focused. he learned fast, he was good at everything he learned, he could think.

why can't he think anymore? why isn't he allowed? it's like trying to do math in a dream. the numbers switch out every time he thinks he's onto something. things slip away from him.

finn ends up going up a few levels with a certain level of resignation for it as his best option. poe still had a better plan for getting back to the first order than him and poe spent all that time and effort trying to accomplish the opposite. jeez. go up a few levels, cause a ruckus. go back to the first order. the first order isn't a home. for anyone. but it's what he knows, and it's where he should be. and if they ask where poe is, he can say he doesn't know, and he'll be telling the truth.

and when they pull out the last place he knows poe was, if they want it that badly, hopefully poe will be somewhere else.

he almost does it. not much in a ruckus capacity, admittedly, but it's true you can find a thread of the first order anywhere if you look in the right places. he knows the first order. he knows how to get the attention.

he gets into prime position. like, now walk up to a stormtrooper and hold your wrists out for the cuffs prime, on levels of guaranteed arrest rates. it just doesn't... happen. he can't do it, is the problem.

that dumb part of his brain is back, small but sharp, the part that wouldn't shut up every time he looked poe dameron in the face. and it keeps saying this is wrong and you know it, and you can't say you don't want something just because you think you want it too much, that doesn't make you not want it. also literally nothing in this galaxy terrifies you more than what you're actively about to do to yourself so why are you doing it? is his conscience him or bb-8 tbh.

and it gets a little clearer against the staticky majority saying that none of this is about what he actually wants. lasts long enough for him to lose his chance. loud enough that he doesn't try again. and he uhh he hates himself for that one. a lot. it's not a graceful breakdown. he doesn't remember much of it. that's cool. he would rather not remember.

finn finds his way back down a few levels again. which he also doesn't remember much of. so he hits his wander around in the garbage bullshit again for a while to do a little soul searching. he doesn't not want to be here. that's better direction than he's had in his entire recent memory. it's no "where we belong" deleted scene but i mean. he. maybe. misses poe. a lot. he probably shouldn't but shit, why not go wholesale now that he's not trying to pretend he doesn't want things ig. he misses poe. for reasons. he wants to see him again. that's a tether he can tie himself to for functioning purposes.

it takes a while to find the ship. that's a chunk of mia time accounted for right there. when he does, he can't really make himself knock. its schrodinger's ally. maybe poe will be there. maybe not. maybe poe will be okay with seeing him. maybe that bridge is burned and the "i'll be here" was sarcastic, because everything is conditional and it's easy to hit the limit. maybe poe actually isn't real? he's putting less eggs in that basket than he was the other day. maybe poe IS REAL, brain. plot twist.

anyway finn sits himself down right next to the ship and pulls his knees up like a serious professional and just kinda. hangs. it's the least stealthy maneuver in the world. regular brain: knock and call out and get your status figured out asap so you can know if you have a person willing to let you stay or if you're waiting for death in the trash like you probably deserve (even though you can't actually justify why you think you deserve it). galaxy brain: I'm Scared And Do Not Want To, Maybe BB-8 Will Roll Out And Pass A Message If Anyone's Here.

he also just realized he doesn't have his blaster anymore and he doesn't know why so he's like. ??? about that for a while. it takes up a disproportionate amount of his brainpower for something he can't remember. he is almost positive he had a blaster in the first place. he's pretty sure that was a real thing.

if poe or their droid son don't have aims to come out for another skittles run/duct-taping, finn will eventually work his way through 4 consecutive "almost knocks and then doesn't"s until he finally just Does It and knocks. he's here to get the band back together. after forty billion words. ]
bythehand: (lets just say we both have baggage)

[personal profile] bythehand 2018-03-27 02:30 pm (UTC)(link)
[ good yet moderately terrifying news. it means poe's still here, which is what he wanted. it also means talking to poe with words and opening the schrodinger's ally box for real.

poe is still here. and maybe this is where it happens, this is where he tells him to leave. and he tells himself it's okay, it's fair if that happens, which doesn't match up to the One Fear brand that he really feels. finn can't look at him yet. but a piece of the world solidifies where poe's voice is, and for a second all finn's face has to bring to bear is naked relief.

there are a lot of things he wants to try to explain. if he can figure out how. ]


Is it okay if I did? I won't do it again, I'm-- [ words???? ] I won't do it again.

[ i'd like to say he sounds very dignified and not like he's probably going to cry, but lbr he is a fuckin disaster. ]

I don't think they were trying to fix me.

[ and he doesn't want them to take more. take this like four-day stretch away. that makes going back sound more terrifying. it makes it scary just to have it.

but he'd rather get in a shitty spaceship with someone who treats him like a person and get blown up or caught than go back on his own, and he knows that now. ]
bythehand: (OH MOOD)

[personal profile] bythehand 2018-03-29 02:33 pm (UTC)(link)
[ way better to die hugging than most of the other options.

he let poe lean against him on the train for a while, a solid warm line up his side. he and poe were reaching for each other's hands all over the place while they were walking around. the hug is... better??? he doesn't even care that poe gunned it without getting an answer.

maybe that's just the relief of not getting chased off with a broom talking. it's true though. it's better. it's a good thing. it doesn't hurt. it doesn't have to trace back to anything raw and missing.

his heart's still on its pounding One Fear bullshit, but he can be bothered to hug back, which goes 0-100 from "is it okay if i do that" to "oh cool my actual lifeline" immediately. the whole paradigm shifts. poe might be the most real and solid thing in the universe. ]


I'm sorry.

[ tfw u probably wouldn't cry if someone shot u, but then u get one hug from a nice person even though you yelled at them, and they say everything is gonna be okay like they really believe it, and you don't have to go back and you don't have to be by yourself. there's some crying happening for sure.

one day they'll get through a whole entire day without crying. one day finn might even be almost stable as a human being and look back on the ol' crying days and shake his head. but it's not today fam. ]
bythehand: (kind of a miracle ur not dead but i like)

[personal profile] bythehand 2018-04-02 02:50 am (UTC)(link)
[ it's good to get the crying out, okay. if it helps, this is way less of a crying Situation than the sitting down in a space parking lot thing. this is what the kids call only about twenty percent of that raw crying power. give him a few sniffles.

there are so many threads in my finn rp career where him knowing binary would immediately let him in on the hottest gossip and yet he's never learned it in any thread or au. wtf. finn get on board. ]


-- yeah, no problem. [ i don't have words to describe his tone of voice exactly. like a weird, disbelieving, softly but with a lot of feeling 'what the fuck' gratitude level. he didn't expect a thanks he doesn't know what to do with it. frames it and puts it on the ol mental wall, probably.

he doesn't think he'll ever get used to poe. it's like dropping a rock in water. there were some considerable ripples but the water was definitely still there when they stopped. poe is still here and he might be the reason the stars come out at night?? sources still confirming on that one. ]


I'd say I was worried about you, but. [ mostly he was in the void. ] Couldn't really settle on just one thing.
bythehand: (ok fine yeah im the jacket thief)

[personal profile] bythehand 2018-04-13 12:44 am (UTC)(link)
[ he bets this never ends. he bets he never knows what he wants and spends twenty years cumulatively out of his life crying under the porch to get back into houses he panicked and ran out of. and then maybe another ten years not thinking at all, give or take. he bets he's never fn-2187 again like he used to be, and he bets he's never finn again like he apparently also used to be.

but he knows what he doesn't want.

he doesn't want to be alone.

he doesn't want to leave poe again. his "nice things"-odometer got a hard reset. he's not a dumb baby duck irl he's just sad and gay and tired like everyone else in this universe, and he's like, maybe i'll hang onto this thing as long as i can even if i don't know what to do with it. deserving doesn't matter.

he doesn't wanna keep sitting outside the ship forever. that was just his plan for if poe found a better way off-world while they were having their montage. ]


Yeah. Sure, yeah, that-- I'd like that. [ new mission: be Good. don't complain even if there's still rats. don't get eaten by the rats he doesn't know are dead yet. that's the whole mission.

just gonna scrub at his face a little and get up and tackle this... week? maybe someone threw away a calendar they can use someday. it's been A Time Span. and he will tackle it one thing at a time hopefully. he doesn't know. ]
bythehand: (No Trust. Only Blaster.)

[personal profile] bythehand 2018-04-24 10:42 pm (UTC)(link)
I noticed.

[ finn, even without all the Good Shit like memories, is still a petty bi. he was immediately prepared for rats. he's also kind of trying out the tread carefully vibe, even if he's not 100% sure what he's trying to step around or anything. he would probably die for poe and this has gone from "nice person giving me a ride i don't deserve, get to resistance, immediately bounce" to "okay i don't want to make him upset and it's up to me to not say Even More super negative shit that keeps making him upset, i guess, since we're both adults."

and then maybe get to the resistance and immediately bounce, he's not sure. he's just trying his best on this bitch of a planet. ]


Doesn't really matter. [ he can do this. he's......... a casual man. ] I think most rooms are just rooms. So that's. Fine.
bythehand: (oh is that what you think)

[personal profile] bythehand 2018-05-01 01:37 am (UTC)(link)
[ being good at words sounds fake.

finn appreciates that poe is a disaster of different calibre but equal magnitude. even if he hasn't technically consciously 100% figured out that that's a thing that's going on. poe says stuff like "i'm scared" or "idk what i'm doing" but like. it's a whole thing.

finn open book lastname strikes again, ftr, because his whole face is pretty much like oh hey literally the last thing i want in the world right now is to be alone and he's just throwing Not Alone onto the table, how is he even still... this nice... ]


You wouldn't mind?

[ welcome to sad gay hell vol. 1 of 2. ]
bythehand: (oh worm)

[personal profile] bythehand 2018-05-01 02:52 pm (UTC)(link)
[ i love this concept of poe in his depressive stupor while bb-8 is cutting through a door panel in order to join and support him. finn kinda wonders about that door situation for a sec. until bb-8 rolls through it and everything makes more sense. some instinct he can't name says yeah that tracks, i should have expected that. ]

Neither do I.

[ see, he can also say an honest thing that's not an argument. ]

I'm too used to barracks.

[ how do u sleep alone and without the sound of at least one other person snoring or rolling over or whatever. can't relate, it makes everything awful. ]
bythehand: (not thinking about it)

[personal profile] bythehand 2018-05-02 03:27 am (UTC)(link)
[ personal space is for losers, he's here to be an otter. finn sits right next to poe like it's legitimately his job to be sitting next to him.

sometimes it kind of feels like that. ]


Probably a good thing the rats are gone. You know. All things considered.

[ he nods towards bb-8's droid door. it seems like the thing to say. while his brain is working overtime on its usual "now what do i do as a human person" bullshit. ]
bythehand: (oh it IS the dead guy's droid)

[personal profile] bythehand 2018-05-02 11:19 pm (UTC)(link)
[ if you hold hands like otters, neither of you can get thrown into the void. that's probably a kind of scientific fact. maybe he used to be a scientist.

things that finn forgot about while he spent that couple of days dissociating and trying to pretend he didn't exist in real life: the ring thing. oh boy, that really happened. holy shit. that feels like it was a year ago. thankfully the droid at the center of everything good in the galaxy, who is also a rat-catcher, saved it.

well saved it from sitting on the floor for a long-ass time, but like, that's still saving it. bb-8 does more than either of them. he's the hero of this story.

i can't wait for episode ix where he reveals that he had the jacket all along.

finn cautiously adds it to his "one item in one hand" inventory. if only bc bb-8 seems pretty expectant about this particular power move he's dropping. and then he hesitates. and then he kinda holds it out in poe's direction because he did at some dramatic point give it back and he doesn't know the promise ring protocol during times like these. ]


I don't know if-- [ ??????

Do You Want This Back he guesses, he's trying to be on his best not overdramatic behavior. ]
bythehand: (ahhh piss)

[personal profile] bythehand 2018-05-04 03:32 am (UTC)(link)
[ that's gay.

i mean that's very nice and a kind thing to do. finn could probably wrangle it back around his neck one-handed, but it would be a whole awkward production managing it. and he's not gonna let go of poe's hand with his other hand for that so. he will just very, very carefully put it in his pocket for now. ]


Then thanks. Again.

[ it's... kind of a relief to have it back. in a weird way he can't define yet. poe is as much of a solid anchor as anything now, but the ring meant something. still means something. the fact that he offered it at all meant something.

finn scuffs the heel of his boot against the floor like all chill people do. one day poe will have his light-up skechers for this occasion. ]
bythehand: (i delicately dislike)

[personal profile] bythehand 2018-05-06 06:26 pm (UTC)(link)
[ my entire daylight headcanons are ruined but nah it's good. thanks bb-8, shoutout to your future macgyver spinoff.

poe poses a valid question. the record should show that it's fair and valid. ]


It's fine. [ like, he doesn't mind. storytime, he digs it. finn kinda has to stop and mull that whole answering thing over, though. not so much because he doesn't want to answer. mostly because he is now realizing how much stuff fell into the void during the "what happened" time period.

he clears his throat. casually. ]
How long was it?

[ when dissociative fugue asks depressive fugue for help with timekeeping bc you hope it will maybe help you categorize what you do remember doing. finn, pal... you can't. ]

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