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WISH LIST
★ my dark au kink:
+ being captured by the first order and subjected to reconditioning
+ trying to turn him back with the power of gay love and friendship (and possibly failing)
+ he was always a first order tie fighter pilot instead of winter soldiered
+ poe and finn first order murder squad (dynamics if they were both stormtroopers? running away together?)
+ ^ part b: the fam that gets captured and reconditioned together… stays…together…
+ Interesting Dynamics with kylo and hux from dark aus
★ finn stuff
+ what will they do after the war? romantic vacations? homesteading? sending finn's spit to space 23andme?
+ infinite escape reimagining/aus, stormpilot escape room reigning champions
★ rey stuff
+ relationship of convenience because they're both In Denial
+ sith princess rey aus where he tries to save her and/or she turns him
★ kylo stuff
+ infinite interrogating/torture room reimagining/aus
+ ^ part b: stockholm syndrome?
+ We Need to Talk about Leia
★ general
+ honestly anything regarding leia (esp processing grief post-tros)
+ talking about his sketchy spice runner past (possibly playing things taking place during that time in his life?)
+ ^ same for things taking place during academy/new republic tbh
+ i love aus. modern aus, vampire aus, a/b/o aus, let's au the entire world
+ i prefer m/m for poe but am good with most ships
kinks if ya nasty
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it doesn't feel right. no matter what he's done or said in this whole mess, he hasn't felt like he's doing it right. too big to fit into one thing, not enough to fill up another.
it shouldn't hurt when he's the one who's doing this.
it hurts anyway.
that tracks with his life experience so far.
finn leaves.
he heads out into the junkyard to have his own crying and/or panic attack combo meal, wherein he... picks a direction and Goes In It. for a couple of days. maybe three. he's not paying attention. he's just like, there, and presumably doing things or going places because he'll occasionally remember that he exists and he won't be in the same place he was?
just like a nice continual stream of consciousness montage of alternating fear and detachment, as one does. sometimes trying to sort out his own personal timeline around holes that won't patch.
he finds his way a few levels up.
that character development's gonna swing back in the next tag bc i feel like it'll be too tl;dr to add onto this, so like. how's poe's montage. how's bb-8's rat army. i like to think they both stare dramatically at something while the camera cross-fades at some point, logistically. my name is dani, i shitpost to cover my sad rp feelings. ]
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now that he's lost his Purpose, poe is free to spend some time lying in the shitty bed in the bare bones of a ship he found and think about all the ways his life has gone terribly wrong.
and without finn around being a liability in about 30 different ways, he knows he could probably hitch a ride back to ... well, not to the newest resistance base, that would be stupid, but back to yavin 4 to pick up his mom's a-wing and then go back that way.
or maybe not go back to the resistance at all. still. there's an undeniable appeal to just going home. the benefit of being a star wars protag with one living parent is knowing you can go home and have someone to say "hey dad i'm going to go cry in my room for the next week, if you could keep loving me unconditionally and maybe leave food outside my door sometimes that'd be great" to. he's really liking the idea of that plan. that sounds like the best plan.
but part of him wanted to believe that finn would come back. he was still clinging to the ghost of something long gone. negotiating with himself. how long would he wait "just in case"? a few days? a week? forever?
there wasn't a good answer to that question. he keeps putting it off for "later." a tried and true depression move. he leaves like, once, to get food and maybe a few basic supplies like a spanner and some space tape, just in case finn comes back and he actually does have to put this ship together. it's very depression run in a hoodie and pajama pants to get skittles at the gas station because you've lost all your dignity, except he doesn't have a hoodie and pajama pants. but he has been wearing the same outfit for multiple days, i guess. he even left bb-8 in the ship just in case finn came back while he was gone. so he'd come back to something and know he was still there.
he's really bad at giving up, even when he's trying to give up.
that's what you missed on glee. lots of wallowing. he has never felt so directionless in his life. what do normal people do when there are no simple problems that can be solved simply by blowing things up? probably not lay in bed staring into the abyss, but here we are.]
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finn doesn't really know what to do with this wealth of "there is no plan, exactly, do what you want i guess," in his life when he can be bothered to think about it. what he ends up doing with it is, as previously established, mostly nothing. he's resting at a very high percentage rate of sitting in junk and mentally tuning into white noise. concept of time who? he's not even here he doesn't know her.
he doesn't think he used to do that. he knows he didn't used to do that. he was-- he was focused. he learned fast, he was good at everything he learned, he could think.
why can't he think anymore? why isn't he allowed? it's like trying to do math in a dream. the numbers switch out every time he thinks he's onto something. things slip away from him.
finn ends up going up a few levels with a certain level of resignation for it as his best option. poe still had a better plan for getting back to the first order than him and poe spent all that time and effort trying to accomplish the opposite. jeez. go up a few levels, cause a ruckus. go back to the first order. the first order isn't a home. for anyone. but it's what he knows, and it's where he should be. and if they ask where poe is, he can say he doesn't know, and he'll be telling the truth.
and when they pull out the last place he knows poe was, if they want it that badly, hopefully poe will be somewhere else.
he almost does it. not much in a ruckus capacity, admittedly, but it's true you can find a thread of the first order anywhere if you look in the right places. he knows the first order. he knows how to get the attention.
he gets into prime position. like, now walk up to a stormtrooper and hold your wrists out for the cuffs prime, on levels of guaranteed arrest rates. it just doesn't... happen. he can't do it, is the problem.
that dumb part of his brain is back, small but sharp, the part that wouldn't shut up every time he looked poe dameron in the face. and it keeps saying this is wrong and you know it, and you can't say you don't want something just because you think you want it too much, that doesn't make you not want it. also literally nothing in this galaxy terrifies you more than what you're actively about to do to yourself so why are you doing it? is his conscience him or bb-8 tbh.
and it gets a little clearer against the staticky majority saying that none of this is about what he actually wants. lasts long enough for him to lose his chance. loud enough that he doesn't try again. and he uhh he hates himself for that one. a lot. it's not a graceful breakdown. he doesn't remember much of it. that's cool. he would rather not remember.
finn finds his way back down a few levels again. which he also doesn't remember much of. so he hits his wander around in the garbage bullshit again for a while to do a little soul searching. he doesn't not want to be here. that's better direction than he's had in his entire recent memory. it's no "where we belong" deleted scene but i mean. he. maybe. misses poe. a lot. he probably shouldn't but shit, why not go wholesale now that he's not trying to pretend he doesn't want things ig. he misses poe. for reasons. he wants to see him again. that's a tether he can tie himself to for functioning purposes.
it takes a while to find the ship. that's a chunk of mia time accounted for right there. when he does, he can't really make himself knock. its schrodinger's ally. maybe poe will be there. maybe not. maybe poe will be okay with seeing him. maybe that bridge is burned and the "i'll be here" was sarcastic, because everything is conditional and it's easy to hit the limit. maybe poe actually isn't real? he's putting less eggs in that basket than he was the other day. maybe poe IS REAL, brain. plot twist.
anyway finn sits himself down right next to the ship and pulls his knees up like a serious professional and just kinda. hangs. it's the least stealthy maneuver in the world. regular brain: knock and call out and get your status figured out asap so you can know if you have a person willing to let you stay or if you're waiting for death in the trash like you probably deserve (even though you can't actually justify why you think you deserve it). galaxy brain: I'm Scared And Do Not Want To, Maybe BB-8 Will Roll Out And Pass A Message If Anyone's Here.
he also just realized he doesn't have his blaster anymore and he doesn't know why so he's like. ??? about that for a while. it takes up a disproportionate amount of his brainpower for something he can't remember. he is almost positive he had a blaster in the first place. he's pretty sure that was a real thing.
if poe or their droid son don't have aims to come out for another skittles run/duct-taping, finn will eventually work his way through 4 consecutive "almost knocks and then doesn't"s until he finally just Does It and knocks. he's here to get the band back together. after forty billion words. ]
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anyway, bb-8 rolls out like "come at me bro i will annihilate any rats or homeless people so my dad can continue his sexy french depression." but then it's … other dad?!?! amazing. surely this will cheer poe up unlike his attempts to play holos for him of moments he probably shouldn't have recorded and probably also some quality holovines. so he rolls away beeping frantically. that's probably good news from finn's perspective? one would think.
a minute or two later, poe saunters out. he doesn't get up and rush out with the same enthusiasm as he did at "finn naked leaking," but at least he drags his sorry ass out of bed. so that's something.
you know what's rough? when all you want to do is sleep but you've got all these ptsd torture nightmares on top of everything else in your life being garbage. he looks much worse for wear despite doing maybe like five whole things in finn's absence.
and actually, that disgusts him a little bit. he is disappointed in himself for doing nothing but laying in bed trying to sleep for days on end besides the one time he got up to get skittles. what kind of behavior is that??? he could have been doing so many things. literally anything. he is usually all action, regardless of whether he's got 75% or even just 3% of a plan.
but ... he couldn't. couldn't do anything. all he could do was sit here and wait for finn. that'd been his big plan. hope finn came around before he was forced to make a choice one way or the other. maybe because he'd forced into that choice due to being woken up by rats chewing on his face. too bad bb-8 had to go and eliminate that possibility for him.
he wants to do his typical thing, which is to yell FINN BUDDY YOU'RE ALIVE and hug him and stare at him with anime sparkles in his eyes but
he can't. he's a bantha in a china shop, only the china shop is finn's delicate mental state and he's already smashed like half of it. he has to put all of his willpower into staying right there.]
Did you change your mind?
[kind of a dumb question. but you know, maybe he hadn't. maybe he'd come to pick him up on the way to the first order so he could collect that bounty and use it on … who knows, ramen noodles and cigarettes at the stormtrooper commissary. he wouldn't care—
no, that's wrong, he would care, because he's spent a lot of time sleep-reliving torture prison and he's not going back to torture prison. he will take finn out with a blaster and then probably take himself out because he doesn't know if he could live with himself for it.
wow that was dark??????? maybe you should wait for finn to speak before taking a journey down the darkest timeline poe elizabeth dameron. geez.]
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poe is still here. and maybe this is where it happens, this is where he tells him to leave. and he tells himself it's okay, it's fair if that happens, which doesn't match up to the One Fear brand that he really feels. finn can't look at him yet. but a piece of the world solidifies where poe's voice is, and for a second all finn's face has to bring to bear is naked relief.
there are a lot of things he wants to try to explain. if he can figure out how. ]
Is it okay if I did? I won't do it again, I'm-- [ words???? ] I won't do it again.
[ i'd like to say he sounds very dignified and not like he's probably going to cry, but lbr he is a fuckin disaster. ]
I don't think they were trying to fix me.
[ and he doesn't want them to take more. take this like four-day stretch away. that makes going back sound more terrifying. it makes it scary just to have it.
but he'd rather get in a shitty spaceship with someone who treats him like a person and get blown up or caught than go back on his own, and he knows that now. ]
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he wants to say it's okay, that even if finn wanted to leave again, that would be okay too because he's a person and free to make whatever choices he wants.
but he can't.
the words don't come out. because he's so selfishly glad he came back. because it meant he wouldn't have to be alone. because he couldn't confront how scared he was that maybe that was the last time he'd ever see finn. that he'd told him to go away, and he listened and walked straight back into hell. because he told him to go away.
he walks farther down the ramp to get closer to finn.]
It's gonna be okay. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it's gonna be okay.
[how? he doesn't know. but he knows that it will be. it has to be. he let finn go and finn came back. that had to mean something.]
Can I hug you?
[he says it like he is going to be a brand new poe dameron who doesn't just rush in and do whatever he wants, but that illusion is shattered quickly because he doesn't wait for an answer before just going for it. kriff it. maybe he'll just hug finn until they both die. good plan.]
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he let poe lean against him on the train for a while, a solid warm line up his side. he and poe were reaching for each other's hands all over the place while they were walking around. the hug is... better??? he doesn't even care that poe gunned it without getting an answer.
maybe that's just the relief of not getting chased off with a broom talking. it's true though. it's better. it's a good thing. it doesn't hurt. it doesn't have to trace back to anything raw and missing.
his heart's still on its pounding One Fear bullshit, but he can be bothered to hug back, which goes 0-100 from "is it okay if i do that" to "oh cool my actual lifeline" immediately. the whole paradigm shifts. poe might be the most real and solid thing in the universe. ]
I'm sorry.
[ tfw u probably wouldn't cry if someone shot u, but then u get one hug from a nice person even though you yelled at them, and they say everything is gonna be okay like they really believe it, and you don't have to go back and you don't have to be by yourself. there's some crying happening for sure.
one day they'll get through a whole entire day without crying. one day finn might even be almost stable as a human being and look back on the ol' crying days and shake his head. but it's not today fam. ]
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where all logic would say to give up, that this isn't really finn, he can't. poe dameron is literally incapable of giving up. even when he was trying to give up he was still holding out on the dl. there's some part of finn still in there somewhere. he's as sure of it as he is of anything. under all the crying and panic attacks there is someone brave and good.
and even if there wasn't, even if there were no hidden layers and it was panic attacks all the way down, different-finn was still a person worth saving. he doesn't know how to get it across to him, because he's tried it in multiple earnest gay, dramatic ways with varying results, but he's not giving up. not going anywhere.]
It's okay. I get it. Why you had to go.
[and ... it is okay. it hurt a lot and sent him into a four-day depression spiral, but he can get it. it was what finn needed, probably. to be given the choice to go back to figure out what he actually wanted. to realize it wasn't what he actually wanted.
(like when my indoor cats sneak outside and then hide under the porch crying until someone lets them back in.)]Thanks for coming back. I was -- I worried about you.
[bb-8 takes the opportunity to beep loudly in the background like "that is a fuckin understatement you were lying in bed crying about how the patch of sunshine on the wall reminded you of finn but ok." if only finn knew binary. maybe someday.
anyway he doesn't know how to deal with the crying besides more hugging. maybe he'll cry a little, too. cryfest 2k18 turrning into a biannual event. or weekly event. or, most realistically, a daily event.]
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there are so many threads in my finn rp career where him knowing binary would immediately let him in on the hottest gossip and yet he's never learned it in any thread or au. wtf. finn get on board. ]
-- yeah, no problem. [ i don't have words to describe his tone of voice exactly. like a weird, disbelieving, softly but with a lot of feeling 'what the fuck' gratitude level. he didn't expect a thanks he doesn't know what to do with it. frames it and puts it on the ol mental wall, probably.
he doesn't think he'll ever get used to poe. it's like dropping a rock in water. there were some considerable ripples but the water was definitely still there when they stopped. poe is still here and he might be the reason the stars come out at night?? sources still confirming on that one. ]
I'd say I was worried about you, but. [ mostly he was in the void. ] Couldn't really settle on just one thing.
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[what a joke. he has never had less control over anything, including and not limited to that crash landing on jakku. or the crash landing on coruscant to be honest; that might have actually been worse because it took longer. this is a crash landing that takes even longer in that it never actually ends. just a rapid downward spiral of "what is my life right now even." sometimes he thinks he makes some progress up, but then he just slides back on down. now is an upswing, though. maybe he'll find purchase this time.
besides, does he even look like he has anything under control??? like, on an external level? no. look at him. a gay disaster garbage man. who was crying as recently as a few seconds ago. but he's trying. now that he has a purpose again, he can go back to 100 emoji-ing that purpose and stop panicking. (on the inside.)
he pulls away a little bit and claps finn on the shoulder. that is a normal thing to do. he is emulating normal behavior. maybe if he tries hard enough, it'll come true. fake it 'til you make it is the current big mood of his entire existence.]
I — do you want to come in? [no poe he wants to keep sitting outside the ship??? dumbass.] BB-8 and I cleaned it up a little. [bb-8. he means just bb-8. but his son won't rat him out this time ... finn wouldn't even appreciate it. his dissent keeps falling on deaf ears. seriously finn, learn binary.]
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but he knows what he doesn't want.
he doesn't want to be alone.
he doesn't want to leave poe again. his "nice things"-odometer got a hard reset. he's not a dumb baby duck irl he's just sad and gay and tired like everyone else in this universe, and he's like, maybe i'll hang onto this thing as long as i can even if i don't know what to do with it. deserving doesn't matter.
he doesn't wanna keep sitting outside the ship forever. that was just his plan for if poe found a better way off-world while they were having their montage. ]
Yeah. Sure, yeah, that-- I'd like that. [ new mission: be Good. don't complain even if there's still rats. don't get eaten by the rats he doesn't know are dead yet. that's the whole mission.
just gonna scrub at his face a little and get up and tackle this... week? maybe someone threw away a calendar they can use someday. it's been A Time Span. and he will tackle it one thing at a time hopefully. he doesn't know. ]
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but he will hold his hand to sort of pull him inside because he has been converted into this "get this what if we all hold hands all the time" way of life.
the ship is ... cleaner. some improvements have been made. it's not the nicest place to ever exist, but it doesn't look like a such a disaster zone anymore, either. and, poe will helpfully state the obvious — ]
There's not rats anymore.
[more greatest hits from poe "my foot is permanently lodged in my mouth" dameron, along with others like "do you want to come inside" and "'you're alive!' 'you too'."
but honestly like his say super obvious things because i'm Not Good at Feelings levels are through the roof right now. he is constantly moments away from knocking the finn jenga tower over and having another GOODBYE FOREVER moment. in his own mind.]
Do you want — you can pick out a room if you want. None of them really have ... they're kind of just rooms.
[wow.]
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[ finn, even without all the Good Shit like memories, is still a petty bi. he was immediately prepared for rats. he's also kind of trying out the tread carefully vibe, even if he's not 100% sure what he's trying to step around or anything. he would probably die for poe and this has gone from "nice person giving me a ride i don't deserve, get to resistance, immediately bounce" to "okay i don't want to make him upset and it's up to me to not say Even More super negative shit that keeps making him upset, i guess, since we're both adults."
and then maybe get to the resistance and immediately bounce, he's not sure. he's just trying his best on this bitch of a planet. ]
Doesn't really matter. [ he can do this. he's......... a casual man. ] I think most rooms are just rooms. So that's. Fine.
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If you don't want — [ he doesn't know how to say "i don't even want to let you out of my eyesight at this point in time because i am dealing with a lot of Issues." ] You could stay with me in my room for a little while. Unless you want to be alone. There's not a lot to do around here. Besides work on the ship. If you wanna do that.
[ hopefully he doesn't because then poe would have to admit to himself that he did 0 percent of work on his vacation down into the abyss. ]
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finn appreciates that poe is a disaster of different calibre but equal magnitude. even if he hasn't technically consciously 100% figured out that that's a thing that's going on. poe says stuff like "i'm scared" or "idk what i'm doing" but like. it's a whole thing.
finn open book lastname strikes again, ftr, because his whole face is pretty much like oh hey literally the last thing i want in the world right now is to be alone and he's just throwing Not Alone onto the table, how is he even still... this nice... ]
You wouldn't mind?
[ welcome to sad gay hell vol. 1 of 2. ]
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No! [ too enthusiastic. tone it down. ] No. [ he's never been much for lying — or very good at being anything other than direct. so he just lays his cards down on the table. says it how it is. ] I don't want to be alone. It's been lonely around here.
[ bb-8 beeps indignantly because poe wasn't alone and he cannot believe. poe glances over at him like i also cannot believe my son is trying to ruin my moment. ] Come on, BB, you know what I mean. I don't do well with quiet. Or alone.
[ on that note, he's just gonna ... wander towards his room. by taking a few steps i guess. it's not exactly a mansion over here. new and exciting things to note are that while one panel of the door is still stuck in closed position, bb-8 cut out the lower half of it and basically made himself a doggy door. he really brought his a-game to this episode of extreme home makeover. ]
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Neither do I.
[ see, he can also say an honest thing that's not an argument. ]
I'm too used to barracks.
[ how do u sleep alone and without the sound of at least one other person snoring or rolling over or whatever. can't relate, it makes everything awful. ]
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Me too, I guess.
[ not in the same way ... he actually did have his own room at some point in his life. for many many years. but the new republic had barracks and resistance bases aren't exactly five-star hotel accommodations. he's used to the ambient noise.
back in right now, he takes a seat on the edge of his bed. the shitty blanket is sort of crumpled up in a corner of the bed, there are some wrappers on the floor. he wasn't expecting company to his depressive episode, don't @ him.
the seating options are a: also on the bed or b: a desk chair at the desk that is currently being used as a table for depression snacks. he doesn't want to be like "hey sit on the bed with me", so he just sort of sits there like an awkward middle schooler. ]
Um ... you know, wherever.
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sometimes it kind of feels like that. ]
Probably a good thing the rats are gone. You know. All things considered.
[ he nods towards bb-8's droid door. it seems like the thing to say. while his brain is working overtime on its usual "now what do i do as a human person" bullshit. ]
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Yeah. It was BB-8. He's ... he's more than just an astromech droid. He does a lot.
[bb-8 takes that cue to roll up to finn and open one of his lil storage compartments to reveal the ring and chain that finn tried to shove back at poe and that poe let fall on the floor while he was busy having his heart being broken. bb-8 took care of it.
poe was right, he's more than just an astromech droid. bb-8 is the glue that holds the galaxy together and if you disagree, you're wrong.]
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things that finn forgot about while he spent that couple of days dissociating and trying to pretend he didn't exist in real life: the ring thing. oh boy, that really happened. holy shit. that feels like it was a year ago. thankfully the droid at the center of everything good in the galaxy, who is also a rat-catcher, saved it.
well saved it from sitting on the floor for a long-ass time, but like, that's still saving it. bb-8 does more than either of them. he's the hero of this story.
i can't wait for episode ix where he reveals that he had the jacket all along.
finn cautiously adds it to his "one item in one hand" inventory. if only bc bb-8 seems pretty expectant about this particular power move he's dropping. and then he hesitates. and then he kinda holds it out in poe's direction because he did at some dramatic point give it back and he doesn't know the promise ring protocol during times like these. ]
I don't know if-- [ ??????
Do You Want This Back he guesses, he's trying to be on his best not overdramatic behavior. ]
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poe stares down at bb-8 like wtf?? he forgot it too somehow? he thought it was still on the floor just like all his hopes and dreams. at the very least, he was not in on this plan. so he responds by frowning slightly, and gently pushing finn's outstretched hand away with his own. ]
No, I gave it to you. [and then he felt kind of weird and naked without the last remaining piece of his mom, but then he had multiple days to think about other things instead, shoving it down to the least of his worries. that said, he can't even imagine taking it back now. it was a good idea, it felt right, and shara bey would be proud of him probably. she is still in force ghost heaven giving him a thumbs up.] I can't take it back. I want you to have it.
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i mean that's very nice and a kind thing to do. finn could probably wrangle it back around his neck one-handed, but it would be a whole awkward production managing it. and he's not gonna let go of poe's hand with his other hand for that so. he will just very, very carefully put it in his pocket for now. ]
Then thanks. Again.
[ it's... kind of a relief to have it back. in a weird way he can't define yet. poe is as much of a solid anchor as anything now, but the ring meant something. still means something. the fact that he offered it at all meant something.
finn scuffs the heel of his boot against the floor like all chill people do. one day poe will have his light-up skechers for this occasion. ]
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[ sometimes we have to make sacrifices in the name of being otters, and if that means not going full gay, it's fine.
he had one (1) thing of value and he gave it to finn. besides like, bb-8. who is clearly not a thing. rey wouldn't trade him in .05 seconds after meeting him, poe would protect him with his life. and anyway finn is clearly also bb-8's dad. he's attached. after that he's got like ... his blaster. clothes? maybe one day he'll trade his leather jacket of the week for light-up skechers. they probably need them since the lower levels of coruscant are basically like twilight/nighttime forever. if you thought there was daylight at any point in this thread basically, you're wrong. good thing bb-8 got the electricity working with some rat corpses and a chewed up wad of gum.
anyway, leaving whatever the fuck that tangent was: poe is also scuffing his boot that isn't a light-up skecher against the floor. when you've got nowhere to go and nothing to do besides sit around and talk. two guys wallowing in existential dread, zero feet apart 'cause they are gay.]
Where did you go? What happened? ... If you wanna talk about it. You don't have to.
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poe poses a valid question. the record should show that it's fair and valid. ]
It's fine. [ like, he doesn't mind. storytime, he digs it. finn kinda has to stop and mull that whole answering thing over, though. not so much because he doesn't want to answer. mostly because he is now realizing how much stuff fell into the void during the "what happened" time period.
he clears his throat. casually. ] How long was it?
[ when dissociative fugue asks depressive fugue for help with timekeeping bc you hope it will maybe help you categorize what you do remember doing. finn, pal... you can't. ]
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SURPRISE i didn't forget this it just needed to marinate
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