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WISH LIST

★ my dark au kink:
+ being captured by the first order and subjected to reconditioning
+ trying to turn him back with the power of gay love and friendship (and possibly failing)
+ he was always a first order tie fighter pilot instead of winter soldiered
+ poe and finn first order murder squad (dynamics if they were both stormtroopers? running away together?)
+ ^ part b: the fam that gets captured and reconditioned together… stays…together…
+ Interesting Dynamics with kylo and hux from dark aus

★ finn stuff
+ what will they do after the war? romantic vacations? homesteading? sending finn's spit to space 23andme?
+ infinite escape reimagining/aus, stormpilot escape room reigning champions

★ rey stuff
+ relationship of convenience because they're both In Denial
+ sith princess rey aus where he tries to save her and/or she turns him

★ kylo stuff
+ infinite interrogating/torture room reimagining/aus
+ ^ part b: stockholm syndrome?
+ We Need to Talk about Leia

★ general
+ honestly anything regarding leia (esp processing grief post-tros)
+ talking about his sketchy spice runner past (possibly playing things taking place during that time in his life?)
+ ^ same for things taking place during academy/new republic tbh
+ i love aus. modern aus, vampire aus, a/b/o aus, let's au the entire world
+ i prefer m/m for poe but am good with most ships

kinks if ya nasty

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

You got it.

[finn taking the initiative. he's so proud. he starts to move forward through all the junk, finally letting go of finn's hand with the caveat] Stay close to me, okay? Not because — [you're a flight risk] I just don't want us to lose each other around here.

[inserts a montage of them digging through trash for awhile. a long while which is why i'm ff'ing ok. the majority of it really is like ... things that would make sense to be trashed on coruscant that are of no use to them — e.g., those speeders, trains, and billboards??? he kind of mutters to himself as they go along, being goldilocks about it. it's thrilling. there are also rats.

eventually, he eyes something and motions finn over.]

Hey! Look at this! [he motions at the ship like finn will have any kind of educated opinion about it.]

I think this is our best bet. [probably because he's tired now.] It's pretty good, right? We've got a whole frame, and ... [he comes up closer and beats his fist against the side, sort of testing the structural integrity and

a huge metal panel falls off from above and tries to kill him. COOL.]

... I can fix that.

[ fucking incredible. poe almost died by accident. finn admires this ship with all the investment of a dude who doesn't know anything about ships, who has never had cause to care about ships, and who figures it can't be any worse than anything else. at least there's that. ]

If that's our ship, I think the only alternative is learning to fix it. Without getting yourself flattened.

[ he still can't drive ok. right now, the mission is clear. do whatever poe says will help, hope that if it feels like kid gloves it's actually just poe assigning shit based on his whole "was i really actually even alive before last week or did that come built in with the processing" experience level. get poe to the rebels to... pay his life debt?? and bounce. he can't foresee anything that would make him want to hang around.

objectively, it would be a prime chance to get some intel back to the first order. it would be like getting his blaster out and putting a bolt through poe's head right now. a thing he theoretically could and should do, as a stormtrooper. kill rebels, go back, die either in a little cell or as part of a big fancy execution. a thing part of his brain is always kind of going on about doing, because the first order is everything and it gave him everything.

what does he want? (to kill rebels and go back and be where things make sense and aren't constantly terrifying.) a bagel. (LITERALLY JUST KILL THE REBELLION.) two bagels, which he probably orders while crying.

these are things he could do but if he's just slated for jailtime and execution when he goes back, like... why hurt this temporary teammate who has literally only been good to him beforehand? that doesn't sit well. ]

[yep. one moment he was standing there talking, the next he was obscured by a giant metal panel. he steps out from around it not looking frazzled at all, though. he's fine, don't worry about it. remaining composed after close calls with death is part of the whole fighter pilot package.

can't believe finn is thinking about murdering poe after he took him on such great dates to shitty places. poe wouldn't be surprised at least. just disappointed. and would still whisper thank you while being murdered, probably. maybe after a night's sleep and further thought he'll just commit to going awol instead of putting the resistance in danger via finn's flight risk nature. that's a choice.

but he's not thinking of any of that right now, he's thinking about the potential of this busted ass ship. it's not horrible??? it's not any worse off than the tie fighter had been, although it was a lot bigger.]

It's okay. I can figure it out. [read: he'll watch a youtube tutorial. i'm sure the diy community is thriving.] C'mon, let's check out the inside.

[he actually seems excited. he's finally feeling a feeling besides crushing dread and it's the excitement of opportunity ... until the crushing dread comes back like a wave against the shore, probably. he holds out his hand for finn to take. otters??]

[ it's nothing personal, poe. nothing personal against you personally anyway. everything is just awful all the time. he's a scrambled egg. a kinder surprise egg, but scrambled. almost constantly actively suppressing his urges to book it like a criminal and/or have a full blown panic attack.

and sometimes the dude his brain occasionally says to murder almost dies by panel accident and the rest of his brain is like "WHOA SHIT WAIT I PREFER HIM ALIVE." the duality of man??

if nothing else, this spacious vehicle will maybe feel less like a metal coffin. ]

I'm sure the inside has just as much vermin and garbage.

[ finn, who spent six million years holding poe's hand while they walked around and rode a train together and stuff, finally realizes they've been holding hands a lot today. like realizes this in an active capacity and not a capacity where he's busy going "okay cool that's a Real Hand that goes with this Real Ring, and if i do shoot him it probably won't help me pass the test to wake up in reconditioning".

he hesitates.

but he otters. ]

[ honestly they have held hands so much today the lack of finn's hand in his was confusing. he gives finn a look, but doesn't seem actually pressed about it. just teasing. ]

That's what cleaning's for.

[ the ramp is already out i guess because i'm a great writer and maybe someone was already living there and has since evacuated. they take a scenic tour of the ship. (don't fuckin judge me clone wars and rebels clearly only exist for me to steal things from for this psl.) sort of wandering through the lounge area where it's looking pretty okay honestly, and then into the galley, where there are some rats looking for the essence of food long gone. there's probably a single portion hidden at the top of a cabinet somewhere they can sense but are unable to reach. poe scrubs his face with his free hand. at least porgs were cute. what he wouldn't give for porgs right now.]

So we've got some friends. It's ... it's fine.

[is it?]

[ don't tell finn about the porgs or he'll absolutely never go back. he'll channel john boyega's personal distaste for porgs and die, right there.

i'm also a great writer, i forgot to even think about logistics like that it's fine they did it. together we carry on the clone wars legacy.

finn is finally back to being distractedly impressed. this is way roomier than he thought it would be on the inside. a ship palace. one day he'll be less impressed by like anything that veers away from "tiny grey rooms" and "shitty tie fighters". they really could have their own individual rooms for panic attacks. it's not too bad getting to look at some of this.

flatly as hell: ]

Sure. Friends letting us stay with them.

[ he could be saying worse and much more pessimistic things. in fact, don't count those chickens before they hatch. ]

As long as they're allowed to eat us if we die in here.

[ SOUNDS LEGIT. can't wait to sign the lease. ]

[poe turns to stare at him with a flat expression that embodies both "i cannot believe you are saying this right now while i'm trying to maintain good vibes" but also "i don't know what i expected." but it's okay!!! he is poe elizabeth dameron and he will have his good vibes if that's the last thing he ever does (and uh realistically it might be but it's fine).]

We'll get rid of them. I can figure it out. [he grew up on a ranch. that makes him qualified to deal with any animal-type problems. did his ranch ever have a rat infestation? well, no. but he will watch another youtube tutorial on his datapad and figure it out. youtube will save us all.]

Besides, this ship has cabins. I think ... I'm pretty sure it's VCX-100. The doors'll seal shut. [he tugs at finn's hand, pulling him away from the galley and towards the rooms in this dope-ass ship palace.] As long as we're careful coming in and out, we'll be fine if we try to sleep or anything like that.

[we're gonna have a sleepover in this ship? that's a bold assumption, poe. but he's already adopted the ship. it's part of his island of misfit toys now. just by virtue of not being as bad as it could be.

he quickly realizes he has to ... force the first cabin door open, so he extricates his hand from their current otter session to push until one side of the double door relents and slides away. (didn't even think of asking finn for help because he's a stubborn jackass.) how promising.

in a way, it is promising, because no one else has been stubborn enough to try ransacking this room. which is not to say that there's a lot here, but there is a bed and a blanket. there's a datapad under the desk in the room that poe immediately eyes and picks up. the screen is cracked. not just cracked, it kind of looks like it got in a fight with a cement floor and lost. but poe is still an optimist, distracted now by trying to get it to turn on. this is the equivalent of "great, i found an apple computer from 1992 for us to watch youtube tutorials on." ]

[ if that iconic expression fazes finn, he's doin a good job hiding it. so logically, it doesn't bother him too much to see it. because if it did it would probably be all over his face like a big dumb neon sign. there are only two finn modes. total shutdown or open book.

finn has a real backlog of shuttled-off emotions to fuel his next meltdown, for whenever he feels like he has the capacity to create enough energy to have it. he's takin in all his data and rerouting it for later. ]

If you can guarantee they won't try to eat us, I really don't care if they plan to stick around. [ the rats were here first. that's valid. he guesses they're roomies now. there's a bed. that's cool and probably going to be useful if they ever sleep.

poe's got his little old busted ipad. finn just kinda yeets off to investigate some more of their ransacked, empty garbage home? maybe someone left their extra will to live hanging around one time. that has to have a good shelf life by definition, right.

he doesn't know. he doesn't know what he's doing. literally in this moment, he doesn't really get what he should be doing. usually people tell him the thing he's supposed to do and then he does it. that's his entire life story. on a broader scale, he still doesn't know what he's doing just with his life or his choices, but he realizes that like every five minutes so it's not much of a status update. ]

Edited (half asleep html strikes again) 2018-03-07 04:58 (UTC)

[i mean … probably not extra will to live. that evacuated with either the ship's original owner or some other scavengers who already tried to strip this ship for any "good stuff." there are three other cabins where finn can have his mental breakdowns, but they all seem way more run down and shitty (somehow) than the one that was sealed shut. welcome to your trash home. there might be some literal trash around. there's a ladder at the end of the hallway; it goes up to the cockpit if finn is feeling that adventurous in garbage land. there's good news, however, and it's that there are only rats in the galley.

meanwhile, in the background, poe is trying to at least transfer the data from the datapad to bb-8 (who is still here obviously) by telling him to come in the room, but bb-8 ... can't fit through the half-open door. he keeps rolling at it a couple times just to prove a point — the point is that dad's an idiot. so poe comes out of the room to find ... bb-8's usb port i guess. he takes a second to glance over at finn, though.]

You find anything? Probably not — nothing bad, right?

[don't tell him you found a gaping hole full of rats in one of the rooms. that's where the bar is. the bar is real low.]

[ damn. he could really go for extra will to live. his will to live machine is broke. but you know what, good luck to whoever took it with em. they probably earned it.

he still doesn't know anything about ship maintenance. at least he still knows what he knows. with their powers combined, and all that. ]

No bodies. No explosives. No squatters. [ a beat. ] Unless they're just out. But that's something that's actually easy to deal with.

[ dicks out for murder. there's definitely no way that would end in disaster. ]

[poe takes in this information with a nod, going back to concentrating on plugging this data pad into bb-8 for a brief second. how does that work? don't worry about it, that's how. anyway back to finn. he knows where that's going. maybe. he has a good guess. which is why:]

Yeah, that might be an issue. Doesn't look like anyone's living here, but it's awfully clean. Well, compared to everything else. If anybody tries to come in, unless it's First Order, just stun them. I don't wanna — it doesn't feel right.

[poe dameron the fugitive: still giving a single fuck about The Right Thing. not wanting to murder homeless people. that's … i mean, that probably is a good thing. until it gets them killed ig.]

[ first the first order doesn't let him out of his room to run down ramps and shoot stuff, now his kidnapper/rescuer/nice dude won't let him shoot stuff.

he guesses the latter is a little more fair. maybe a squatter wouldn't even... be armed???

the former still doesn't make sense to think about. they literally raised him to do one thing and then they wouldn't let him. do they just not have faith in their own reconditioning program? is he cracking the conspiracy. ]

You know the First Order won't just bundle shooting at them up into one charge, right? They're gonna review each shot and call most of them independent efforts.

[ poe please.... the legal processes. we're both dead anyway but why justify getting extensively tortured first. ]

[at first he's like "why does that matter???" and then it quickly hits him going at full-force. oh. it's because finn still thinks he's going to go back despite telling him five million times he isn't going to go back, and he doesn't want to make the list of things they'd presumably punish him for even longer.

or, you know, thinking about himself ... he could spend more time on the torture rack. he'd been trying real hard not to think about that, mostly because he's been so busy being in Protect Finn mode and refused to even accept the bad end where they were both captured by the first order as a possibility. but, now that he is thinking about it ... yeah. that sounds about right. more torture. gonna shove those ptsd vibes back in the closet and ignore the sense of disquiet running down his spine.

everything is fine. he's just gonna go back to Protect Finn mode. ignore that whole second where the color drained from his face. don't fuckin worry about it.]

Fine, just leave it to me if the First Order shows up, then. I can handle it.

[just gonna pvp the entire first order. that also sounds about right.]

Edited (can't get roasted for being repetitive if i acknowledge it) 2018-03-18 14:33 (UTC)

[ he absolutely cannot ignore that, that's fear solidarity. One Fear. BAD THINGS HAPPEN ALL THE TIME AND THE FIRST ORDER IS AN INEVITABLE END. trust is a tenuous thing for even a regular rebel-brand finn. for this brand of finn it's an entire ordeal. so maybe there's not a ton he can say about trusting poe if he gets down to the honest center of things. but he can say he feels a little bit better seeing that this guy maybe actually understands the magnitude of what they're trying not to get killed by.

also, rude. finn points at him. ]

That's not what I meant and you know it!

[ does he finn? like, does he actually??? you're a scrambled egg of contradicting your own damn self and dissociating. ]

No, no, I got it. You think we're gonna get captured by the First Order and all this bad stuff is gonna go down. You'll have to, I dunno, get your head scrambled again. [poe dameron, master of the light touch. also note that he skips over the possibility of anything happening to him; that's cool i guess.] I keep telling you it's not gonna happen. But if it does, if everything goes sideways, I'll take the fall for you. So don't worry about it.

[????? that's not how any of that works, poe elizabeth dameron. but ok. you keep holding onto your ideals and your martyr complex if that's what helps you sleep at night.]

Of course I think that! [ he can't even... space jesus, what is this conversation.

don't worry about it.

this fuckin guy and his droid and his rings and his dumb face and his dumb generalizations, and his "things work out" and "the universe tries to teach us lessons". there are a lot of things that finn's been trying not to think about. the sheer differences, the incompatible edges of how they think the world functions, that's gotten top billing to be pushed aside.

because poe is nice, and life hasn't been nice, and the world isn't nice, and that's how it is and you get what you deserve. so he can't just shoot poe even though he probably should've. he can't ditch him in a crowd and find a way back to what he knows he actually deserves.

he just keeps-- gravitating back, selfishly, and reaching for poe's hand, trying to make himself believe this is all a real thing that could be happening or work out for anybody. he keeps letting poe dameron call him someone else's name, keeps wondering what it was like to be that, what it would've been like. asking if he had a life, asking if they took that from him, like it makes a difference in the end.

he keeps trusting. he keeps attaching himself.

it's no wonder they left him in that cell. ]

Why don't you ever-- I try to tell you how this is gonna end and you don't understand! You won't understand! I don't know how to explain something you should've figured out when it apparently happened the first time!

[ WE WERE OVERDUE FOR ANOTHER MELTDOWN I GUESS??? it's fine this is fine. ]

[look, he's been trying really hard to be pollyanna sunshine in the face of all of finn's meltdowns, but he's tired. it's been a long day. there's been crying, drama, almost dying, sketchy diners, ptsd for everyone. you know, a standard craziest of crazies.

so yeah, he falters a little. he slides back into his natural state when people are aggressive towards him, which is to just ... be aggressive back.

maybe because the last part dug in a little too deep. the "apparently it happened the first time." like he hasn't spent enough time ruminating on that. like maybe this whole thing wasn't trying to make up for something he held himself responsible for despite there being nothing he could've done. nothing he could've done at the time, but he can do it now. most of his mistakes weren't reparable. he couldn't duct tape the bomber fleet back together, but he could save finn. even if nobody believed he could or even actually wanted him to.

maybe it was more to ??assuage his guilt?? than to save finn? he loved finn, he'd wanted finn to be okay. he stubbornly believed that he'd be okay right until he was face to face with him and saw that he wasn't. it was what leia knew when she vetoed his plan but wouldn't flat-out say. he couldn't save finn, because there was nothing left to save.

and if he knew that on some level and still did it anyway, despite the serious levels of denial going on here ... maybe it'd all just been for himself.

it's at this point that he realizes he's not a great leader, not a great person, and maybe he should stick to staying awol because he can't keep his emotions in check.

like now. not keeping them in check right now.]

I'm not going to let it happen again!! You don't know — I wish I could've stopped it the first time, okay? But I wasn't there. I couldn't do anything because I wasn't there. And I'm trying to — I'm not going to let it happen again. It's not gonna happen again, because I'm here, and I'll fight every single person in the First Order if that's what it takes. I don't care.

There's no fighting the First Order! [ poe you ignorant, equally unstable in different ways, slut. ] And if there is, I don't want to! I don't want it, I don't want you to do it for me!

[ he wrangles the chain back off from around his neck and tries to kinda just push that back onto poe. there you go buddy if my hands are shaking it's only because i'm so excited to give this back to you. ]

Look, I'm not your friend. I'm not whatever you think I am, I'm not a person, I don't want this. I'm sorry for whatever I did that made you think-- because I'm not. And I don't care if it's real, it doesn't matter, I w--

[ the words die before they can get out. that feels worse. he squeezes his eyes shut and screws up his face and makes himself try again. ]

I want to go back.

[ does it sound remotely like a true thing and not something that makes him feel sick? no. his voice kind of broke. but it doesn't matter what he doesn't really want. that's the point. it's the first order: it's what he's gonna get. and maybe it's still enough, maybe the fact that he tried and made himself say it, maybe it'll count for something. prove he learned his lesson, prove that they don't have to put him back in reconditioning because he knows better. they can fix him, they can--

they can stop this now, if it's not real. they can punish him for it if it is, and he won't do it again even if he lives through that punishment. ]

I want it to stop.

[ he wants everything to make sense again. ]

[if he missed out on poe's crying face when they were having cryfest 2k18, it's here now in living color for the screenshot gallery. his mouth hangs open while his eyes go glassy. he's too paralyzed by emotions to take the chain back, so it falls to the floor probably.

it's not like he can't tell finn was struggling with getting those words out, but they still made it. finn took all the nice things he gave him like personhood and a wedding ring and freedom and spat them back out in his face. ]

You ... you don't mean that. You don't. You can't --

[he can't fight anymore. it hurts too much. he threw himself too hard at the brick wall and broke some bones against it and now there's blood and gore everywhere. a graphic but accurate depiction of poe's mental state.]

If you really mean it, then leave. Go for it. Go a few levels up and start causing some trouble, I'm sure the First Order'll pick you up and take you home. If you change your mind, I'll still be here.

[what a blessing that they found a ship with multiple rooms, so he can dramatically march his ass into the "nice" one to cry in peace. bb-8 tries to roll after him, but still can't fit through the broken door, so there's a moment of comedy in all the sadness i guess.]

[ that's what he was aiming for. he doesn't know how else he could have gotten his point across and made sure it stuck. he's getting what he wanted. it's lashing out and finally making contact, feeling like maybe poe gets it.

it doesn't feel right. no matter what he's done or said in this whole mess, he hasn't felt like he's doing it right. too big to fit into one thing, not enough to fill up another.

it shouldn't hurt when he's the one who's doing this.

it hurts anyway.

that tracks with his life experience so far.

finn leaves.

he heads out into the junkyard to have his own crying and/or panic attack combo meal, wherein he... picks a direction and Goes In It. for a couple of days. maybe three. he's not paying attention. he's just like, there, and presumably doing things or going places because he'll occasionally remember that he exists and he won't be in the same place he was?

just like a nice continual stream of consciousness montage of alternating fear and detachment, as one does. sometimes trying to sort out his own personal timeline around holes that won't patch.

he finds his way a few levels up.

that character development's gonna swing back in the next tag bc i feel like it'll be too tl;dr to add onto this, so like. how's poe's montage. how's bb-8's rat army. i like to think they both stare dramatically at something while the camera cross-fades at some point, logistically. my name is dani, i shitpost to cover my sad rp feelings. ]

[i mean ... it's not wrong. welcome to the sadness montage.

now that he's lost his Purpose, poe is free to spend some time lying in the shitty bed in the bare bones of a ship he found and think about all the ways his life has gone terribly wrong.

and without finn around being a liability in about 30 different ways, he knows he could probably hitch a ride back to ... well, not to the newest resistance base, that would be stupid, but back to yavin 4 to pick up his mom's a-wing and then go back that way.

or maybe not go back to the resistance at all. still. there's an undeniable appeal to just going home. the benefit of being a star wars protag with one living parent is knowing you can go home and have someone to say "hey dad i'm going to go cry in my room for the next week, if you could keep loving me unconditionally and maybe leave food outside my door sometimes that'd be great" to. he's really liking the idea of that plan. that sounds like the best plan.

but part of him wanted to believe that finn would come back. he was still clinging to the ghost of something long gone. negotiating with himself. how long would he wait "just in case"? a few days? a week? forever?

there wasn't a good answer to that question. he keeps putting it off for "later." a tried and true depression move. he leaves like, once, to get food and maybe a few basic supplies like a spanner and some space tape, just in case finn comes back and he actually does have to put this ship together. it's very depression run in a hoodie and pajama pants to get skittles at the gas station because you've lost all your dignity, except he doesn't have a hoodie and pajama pants. but he has been wearing the same outfit for multiple days, i guess. he even left bb-8 in the ship just in case finn came back while he was gone. so he'd come back to something and know he was still there.

he's really bad at giving up, even when he's trying to give up.

that's what you missed on glee. lots of wallowing. he has never felt so directionless in his life. what do normal people do when there are no simple problems that can be solved simply by blowing things up? probably not lay in bed staring into the abyss, but here we are.]

[ depression and anxiety, separate yet together in their desolate giving-up.

finn doesn't really know what to do with this wealth of "there is no plan, exactly, do what you want i guess," in his life when he can be bothered to think about it. what he ends up doing with it is, as previously established, mostly nothing. he's resting at a very high percentage rate of sitting in junk and mentally tuning into white noise. concept of time who? he's not even here he doesn't know her.

he doesn't think he used to do that. he knows he didn't used to do that. he was-- he was focused. he learned fast, he was good at everything he learned, he could think.

why can't he think anymore? why isn't he allowed? it's like trying to do math in a dream. the numbers switch out every time he thinks he's onto something. things slip away from him.

finn ends up going up a few levels with a certain level of resignation for it as his best option. poe still had a better plan for getting back to the first order than him and poe spent all that time and effort trying to accomplish the opposite. jeez. go up a few levels, cause a ruckus. go back to the first order. the first order isn't a home. for anyone. but it's what he knows, and it's where he should be. and if they ask where poe is, he can say he doesn't know, and he'll be telling the truth.

and when they pull out the last place he knows poe was, if they want it that badly, hopefully poe will be somewhere else.

he almost does it. not much in a ruckus capacity, admittedly, but it's true you can find a thread of the first order anywhere if you look in the right places. he knows the first order. he knows how to get the attention.

he gets into prime position. like, now walk up to a stormtrooper and hold your wrists out for the cuffs prime, on levels of guaranteed arrest rates. it just doesn't... happen. he can't do it, is the problem.

that dumb part of his brain is back, small but sharp, the part that wouldn't shut up every time he looked poe dameron in the face. and it keeps saying this is wrong and you know it, and you can't say you don't want something just because you think you want it too much, that doesn't make you not want it. also literally nothing in this galaxy terrifies you more than what you're actively about to do to yourself so why are you doing it? is his conscience him or bb-8 tbh.

and it gets a little clearer against the staticky majority saying that none of this is about what he actually wants. lasts long enough for him to lose his chance. loud enough that he doesn't try again. and he uhh he hates himself for that one. a lot. it's not a graceful breakdown. he doesn't remember much of it. that's cool. he would rather not remember.

finn finds his way back down a few levels again. which he also doesn't remember much of. so he hits his wander around in the garbage bullshit again for a while to do a little soul searching. he doesn't not want to be here. that's better direction than he's had in his entire recent memory. it's no "where we belong" deleted scene but i mean. he. maybe. misses poe. a lot. he probably shouldn't but shit, why not go wholesale now that he's not trying to pretend he doesn't want things ig. he misses poe. for reasons. he wants to see him again. that's a tether he can tie himself to for functioning purposes.

it takes a while to find the ship. that's a chunk of mia time accounted for right there. when he does, he can't really make himself knock. its schrodinger's ally. maybe poe will be there. maybe not. maybe poe will be okay with seeing him. maybe that bridge is burned and the "i'll be here" was sarcastic, because everything is conditional and it's easy to hit the limit. maybe poe actually isn't real? he's putting less eggs in that basket than he was the other day. maybe poe IS REAL, brain. plot twist.

anyway finn sits himself down right next to the ship and pulls his knees up like a serious professional and just kinda. hangs. it's the least stealthy maneuver in the world. regular brain: knock and call out and get your status figured out asap so you can know if you have a person willing to let you stay or if you're waiting for death in the trash like you probably deserve (even though you can't actually justify why you think you deserve it). galaxy brain: I'm Scared And Do Not Want To, Maybe BB-8 Will Roll Out And Pass A Message If Anyone's Here.

he also just realized he doesn't have his blaster anymore and he doesn't know why so he's like. ??? about that for a while. it takes up a disproportionate amount of his brainpower for something he can't remember. he is almost positive he had a blaster in the first place. he's pretty sure that was a real thing.

if poe or their droid son don't have aims to come out for another skittles run/duct-taping, finn will eventually work his way through 4 consecutive "almost knocks and then doesn't"s until he finally just Does It and knocks. he's here to get the band back together. after forty billion words. ]

[bb-8 is the one who comes to see what the situation is and finds finn. while y'all are off swimming in your ocean of sadness, bb-8 has been busy getting shit done. he definitely murdered all the rats. he's been working on the ship because what is all this human sadness nonsense. y'all humans are weird. however, there's not a lot he can do. further analysis has revealed that the ship has no shields or weapons. it barely has a functional operating system. it's basically a skeleton that's been stripped dry. that's cool.

anyway, bb-8 rolls out like "come at me bro i will annihilate any rats or homeless people so my dad can continue his sexy french depression." but then it's … other dad?!?! amazing. surely this will cheer poe up unlike his attempts to play holos for him of moments he probably shouldn't have recorded and probably also some quality holovines. so he rolls away beeping frantically. that's probably good news from finn's perspective? one would think.

a minute or two later, poe saunters out. he doesn't get up and rush out with the same enthusiasm as he did at "finn naked leaking," but at least he drags his sorry ass out of bed. so that's something.

you know what's rough? when all you want to do is sleep but you've got all these ptsd torture nightmares on top of everything else in your life being garbage. he looks much worse for wear despite doing maybe like five whole things in finn's absence.

and actually, that disgusts him a little bit. he is disappointed in himself for doing nothing but laying in bed trying to sleep for days on end besides the one time he got up to get skittles. what kind of behavior is that??? he could have been doing so many things. literally anything. he is usually all action, regardless of whether he's got 75% or even just 3% of a plan.

but ... he couldn't. couldn't do anything. all he could do was sit here and wait for finn. that'd been his big plan. hope finn came around before he was forced to make a choice one way or the other. maybe because he'd forced into that choice due to being woken up by rats chewing on his face. too bad bb-8 had to go and eliminate that possibility for him.

he wants to do his typical thing, which is to yell FINN BUDDY YOU'RE ALIVE and hug him and stare at him with anime sparkles in his eyes but

he can't. he's a bantha in a china shop, only the china shop is finn's delicate mental state and he's already smashed like half of it. he has to put all of his willpower into staying right there.]

Did you change your mind?

[kind of a dumb question. but you know, maybe he hadn't. maybe he'd come to pick him up on the way to the first order so he could collect that bounty and use it on … who knows, ramen noodles and cigarettes at the stormtrooper commissary. he wouldn't care—

no, that's wrong, he would care, because he's spent a lot of time sleep-reliving torture prison and he's not going back to torture prison. he will take finn out with a blaster and then probably take himself out because he doesn't know if he could live with himself for it.

wow that was dark??????? maybe you should wait for finn to speak before taking a journey down the darkest timeline poe elizabeth dameron. geez.]

[ good yet moderately terrifying news. it means poe's still here, which is what he wanted. it also means talking to poe with words and opening the schrodinger's ally box for real.

poe is still here. and maybe this is where it happens, this is where he tells him to leave. and he tells himself it's okay, it's fair if that happens, which doesn't match up to the One Fear brand that he really feels. finn can't look at him yet. but a piece of the world solidifies where poe's voice is, and for a second all finn's face has to bring to bear is naked relief.

there are a lot of things he wants to try to explain. if he can figure out how. ]

Is it okay if I did? I won't do it again, I'm-- [ words???? ] I won't do it again.

[ i'd like to say he sounds very dignified and not like he's probably going to cry, but lbr he is a fuckin disaster. ]

I don't think they were trying to fix me.

[ and he doesn't want them to take more. take this like four-day stretch away. that makes going back sound more terrifying. it makes it scary just to have it.

but he'd rather get in a shitty spaceship with someone who treats him like a person and get blown up or caught than go back on his own, and he knows that now. ]

[finn's voice scratches the record on his whole dumb depression montage. this is why he stayed here. why he waited. finn needed him. Purpose has been restored. the galaxy is a good place. he loses sight of that sometimes, but always circles back to it eventually.

he wants to say it's okay, that even if finn wanted to leave again, that would be okay too because he's a person and free to make whatever choices he wants.

but he can't.

the words don't come out. because he's so selfishly glad he came back. because it meant he wouldn't have to be alone. because he couldn't confront how scared he was that maybe that was the last time he'd ever see finn. that he'd told him to go away, and he listened and walked straight back into hell. because he told him to go away.

he walks farther down the ramp to get closer to finn.]

It's gonna be okay. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it's gonna be okay.

[how? he doesn't know. but he knows that it will be. it has to be. he let finn go and finn came back. that had to mean something.]

Can I hug you?

[he says it like he is going to be a brand new poe dameron who doesn't just rush in and do whatever he wants, but that illusion is shattered quickly because he doesn't wait for an answer before just going for it. kriff it. maybe he'll just hug finn until they both die. good plan.]

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