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WISH LIST

★ my dark au kink:
+ being captured by the first order and subjected to reconditioning
+ trying to turn him back with the power of gay love and friendship (and possibly failing)
+ he was always a first order tie fighter pilot instead of winter soldiered
+ poe and finn first order murder squad (dynamics if they were both stormtroopers? running away together?)
+ ^ part b: the fam that gets captured and reconditioned together… stays…together…
+ Interesting Dynamics with kylo and hux from dark aus

★ finn stuff
+ what will they do after the war? romantic vacations? homesteading? sending finn's spit to space 23andme?
+ infinite escape reimagining/aus, stormpilot escape room reigning champions

★ rey stuff
+ relationship of convenience because they're both In Denial
+ sith princess rey aus where he tries to save her and/or she turns him

★ kylo stuff
+ infinite interrogating/torture room reimagining/aus
+ ^ part b: stockholm syndrome?
+ We Need to Talk about Leia

★ general
+ honestly anything regarding leia (esp processing grief post-tros)
+ talking about his sketchy spice runner past (possibly playing things taking place during that time in his life?)
+ ^ same for things taking place during academy/new republic tbh
+ i love aus. modern aus, vampire aus, a/b/o aus, let's au the entire world
+ i prefer m/m for poe but am good with most ships

kinks if ya nasty

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ finn turns his head to look over at poe properly. ]

I figured you knew when you should stop. Just thought you didn't like it quiet.

[ some people aren't into silence. even the kind that gets a little filled in by background noise. he's fine with background noise, but he's mostly been thinking poe needs a more. active approach or something?

he can change his personal note on it. poe might need help keeping his foot out of his well-meaning mouth. ]

I don't.

[not right now anyway. ... or actually, maybe not ever. he did spend a lot of time alone in his x-wing just talking to bb-8. he's just a lot, okay.]

It's because I'm stressed out. I can't stop talking because I'm stressed out. [not wrong.] That's all.

[ that's fair. that's a fair problem to have. ]

Not sure I can help you with that.

[ he's pretty sure that at several key points he has in fact contributed more stress to poe's stress load. he has no idea how to make himself stop doing that. it always bubbles up around his best efforts to completely suppress and internalize it, sometimes in a nice high-pressure complete meltdown.

he can't even handle his own bullshit enough to stop it from stacking onto poe's bullshit. this is a mess. he wishes he could. ]

Sorry.

It's okay.

[and it really is. he knows he can't depend on finn to help him deal with his bullshit right now. they both have large amounts of bullshit that need attending to. he's not expecting finn to take on any of his when he has his own. it's all cool. just two cool bros sitting on a train trying not to have meltdowns.

maybe the solution is just ... for him not to talk about himself. for five seconds. it's a bold strategy, cotton.]

What was it like? Before, being a stormtrooper. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, I just wanna ... get to know you. What it was like. Did you have ... friends, or ... ?

[ i wish cotton, ancient guide, would answer his cohort. maybe someday he'll awaken when he sees a bold enough strategy.

poe wants to get to know him. it doesn't sound fake. maybe kinda like a road to disappointment. finn can't hold it against him, though, that's the kind of thing people presumably Do In Real Life. they get to know each other. he's been sitting here getting to know poe literally this very day.

it's the way poe goes out of his way to say he doesn't have to that makes him willing to answer. he could say no if he wanted and it would matter that he did. some tiny part of him latches onto that concept every time it can, like metal shavings to a magnet. ]

A real stormtrooper is the extension of the Supreme Leader's will, [ he says by rote, bc god knows he's a little fresh off that metaphorical train rn. ] Nothing less.

[ nothing more, part of him says. ]

We have teams. Units. Orders to follow, duty rotations. No personal loyalties. Not that we should want any. [ or need them, or whatever. and then he hesitates. because it's hard to get the words out and make himself admit it, even though it's true, but he still feels like he wants to try. ]

I had a team. Before. Sometimes I would think of them as-- [ okay yeah, that's harder than he thought. he doesn't think he's ever said it out loud. that he thought of them as friends. nines and zeroes. and slip. finn shakes his head, keeps his eyes forward. ]

They weren't. We weren't.

[ maybe that's where he started going wrong. maybe that's the thing that sparked until the mining colony made it flare, until he spiraled out and around and into this somehow. ]

[he listens intently, brow creasing a little bit. none of this is ... really a surprise at first, so it's not that much to take in.

until finn starts talking about his team, and stumbles over the words. that's what's hard for him to process. that's what grips him. that's — how can the first order think that's a good idea? i mean, how can the first order think taking children and brainwashing them to be soldiers is a good idea, but also: this???

he moves to put an arm around finn's shoulders. leveling up in supportiveness.]

That's — I'm a commander, with the Resistance. Was a commander, whatever. [won't specify if that's because he's leaving or because he was demoted because don't worry about it 🙃 ] I had my own squadron, and they were absolutely my closest friends. They were practically my family. When you're working as a team, I think it's really important that you know and trust your teammates. So you can anticipate how they're gonna react to certain things. Support them when they need it. That's when you're at your strongest as a team.

I'm just trying to say, I'm sorry you didn't have that.

[ is poe dameron trying to make him cry again 2k18??? unfair. ]

It's fine. I think I tried that for a while.

[ a team's only as strong as its weakest link. he argued for it. thought it meant reaching out, covering what someone else couldn't manage, supporting. he tried until he wasn't allowed to try anymore.

it hurts in spite of that. it still sits wrong. it shouldn't. ]

I don't know what happened to them. I don't remember. Pretty sure that's a bad sign.

[well poe isn't going to be the one to be like "i'm sure they're fine sweetie." because ... yeah. that stormtrooper life. doesn't even know he's the one who killed slip like sorry for kickstarting your moral crisis. but you know what. it's fine.]

I'm sorry. [again.] I know I must've said it more than enough now, but ... you can trust me. We're a team. I've got your back.

[ he's glad poe didn't try to be that guy. like, if poe went in for that, he'd have no choice but to be a debbie downer out loud about it, and he doesn't wanna have a "say it. out loud. they're almost definitely probably dead." moment.

well, he would have a choice. to not say that. he would say it though. false hope is a broad waste. ]

Sure.

[ he fits in better with poe and bb-8 in a day than he ever fit with the other cadets. probably also a bad sign. finn is starting to burn out on tallying up all the shit he thinks he shouldn't be doing or feeling or having, though. there's not much point bothering. something else is just gonna line up each time. he doesn't have a bottomless well of self hatred to spend on it. just like he doesn't have a bottomless well of vulnerability. (finn you literally sat on the ground and cried first thing???) ]

There's not much else to it. Train, follow orders. I still used to be one of the best ones they turned out. [ and he can say that with the certainty of someone who just knows it's true. same way everyone knew slip slipped up. fn-2187 was better. ]

[ he could definitely see that, if nothing else. from what he'd seen, finn was great at ... well basically everything. not just the best person but also pretty good at combat things. (remember the time he blew up a lot of shit in the tie fighter ths first time??? pepperidge farm remembers. aka poe. finn being like DID YOU SEE THAT when he's like yeah chill i'm already in love with you.) not that poe's biased or anything.]

I think you're still the best. [fuckin gay.] But sometimes ... [he remembers that he might have a Relatable Story.] You know I left the New Republic? It wasn't that I left so much as I narrowly avoided being discharged. Sometimes following orders isn't worth it if you know that they're wrong.

[sometimes following orders isn't worth it if you know that they're wrong: the title of poe's autobiography]

[ poe is so done for. he cannot possibly survive how strong his (biased) gay feelings are.

something about that sentiment rings true. finn lets it rattle around while simultaneously trying not to. ]

If you can't trust your orders, you probably should get discharged. [ says finn, a hypocrite who can literally still remember his part of the before the awakening novel?? the first order doesn't discharge tho, he's gonna call these two duck looking things different ducks. ] Better off not being there.

I don't disagree with that. [ he snorts, but also ... why would you do that when you could be a giant drama queen and lead a mutiny??? jk, that was mostly for distraction's sake. not that he wasn't feelin' it, tho ... okay, maybe it was 90/10. but you know what, that's another story for another time. maybe in like ten minutes or something. now we're just going to focus on the one story. maybe finn doesn't want it, but poe talked to himself in the desert for five million years, look at him go with a captive audience.]

My squadron kept running into First Order ships when we were patrolling. I lost a member of my squadron to a First Order freighter, and the Republic still wouldn't take them seriously as a threat. I got a direct command not to provoke the First Order. They actually threatened me with charges if I went after the freighter that got my teammate. But, I can't ... I can't just ignore something like that. [he shakes his head.] It's not right.

So I didn't. I took my squadron out on patrol where we just happened to run into the freighter ... and followed it right into a staging point. [he actually laughs a little at the memory — a small chuckle — because there's enough distance now for him to appreciate how ludicrous his life is.] We barely got out, and I was gonna be served with a court martial. General Organa ended up recruiting me for the Resistance, so I decided to go where people actually cared about what's happening to the galaxy. Resigned before they could discharge me, basically. It wasn't looking good.

[ in spite of all his conscious efforts...... the corners of finn's mouth twitch up. not for the story, strictly speaking, because it's kind of a sobering story?

more because there poe goes talking again. no reservations. there he go. here stories a special man. a man who went against direct orders and left before he could get court martialed.

maybe he should think that's a coward move. he can't commit to the motion though. ]

Everybody cares about what's happening to the galaxy. Just not all from the same direction.

[ it's not too surprising to hear that the new republic took that stance on it. chaotic and complacent, that was sort of the Mood during the mandatory morale sessions against them. ]

Some people care more than others. Some people think as long as nothing's happening directly to them, it's okay to just stand by and see what happens. Don't wanna make a move until it's too late. [he shakes his head.] I could never be like that. I'm just not wired that way.

[ he huffs. ]

I never would've guessed.

[ poe dameron, unable to sit still? prone to doing reckless impulsive shit like breaking a single stormtrooper out of a huge well-staffed ship?? sounds fake can't be realistic. finn will try to think of that fondly when he wakes up for his half-asleep 3am cry later. ]

There are stormtroopers who think the same way. It's what they tell us we're here for. Taking action. Protecting the galaxy.

[ they go light on the fact that they're fascist villains. ]

[ mmm that moment when you gotta think about how there are people just like you on the other side. like, obviously. he knows finn is a person. he knows how stormtroopers are made. from ... people. he gets that part of the picture enough but maybe he is missing out on seeing the forest for the trees??? like there's gotta be some jackass stormtrooper who's just as turn down for what as everything about him —

oh wait that's the one SITTING NEXT TO HIM RIGHT NOW. or at least, it was. but no maybe there's one who's like him and finn except turning down for what ... for evil.]

I guess everyone's the hero in their own story.

[philosophical genius poe dameron.]

Some of the stuff we do ... some of the stuff we've been through, it's hard to justify it if you don't think you're the one in the right.

[hell he always thinks he's the one in the right and he's still constantly on the run from guilty thoughts from accidentally murdering like half the resistance with his good intentions and refusal to quit. those guilty thoughts will never catch him. nope.

but then there's the obvious: stormtroopers would only think that way because they're being brainwashed to think it. by sociopathic space nazis. that's cool.]

[ turning down for what... for evil. i mean, it's not wrong.

everything was so much less complicated yesterday when he had no idea what was happening or if he was waiting for death. now everyone is the hero in their own story and thinking about justifying what they do. is that how people think? is that how people understand it?

he doesn't think about the negotiators in the mining colony.

that's a lie. he does. he thinks about it instantly, and "it's hard to justify it if you don't think you're the one in the right" sticks itself to the memory like a fresh coat of paint. shifts the world off-track, leaves behind the feeling of living a foot to the left of himself.

reaching up to run his thumb over the edges of the ring, finn thinks-- something was wrong, there, and he only really has the authority to decide that what was wrong was him. just something inside him, too big for the first order, too small for anywhere else, no idea how to make it break down into something that could just fit and work.

he was the only one who couldn't fit. ]

You're probably right.

[ he still can't justify it. he doesn't think he'll ever be able to. maybe he was never supposed to even think about justifying it, and he was just supposed to pull the trigger and move on.

so poe probably is right about this. it doesn't seem like too horrible a betrayal to acknowledge that. ]

[hux is probably the closest equivalent that we know of. he's very turn down for what for evil. search your feelings, you know it to be true.

he watches finn when he doesn't respond right away, watches him ... mull something over? it's hard to tell. he doesn't want to press. it's like walking on eggshells, one wrong move and this calm they have going currently could break away into another meltdown. they're talking about heavy stuff ... he probably struck a chord. he knows. he struck his own damn chord.

but he wants to know re: finn. because he cares. can he make it better? probably not. but at least he could have the opportunity to try.]

You okay? Thought I lost you for a second there.

Hm? [ oh right. his bullshit. the stuff that crawls up his spine and nests in his skull. and maybe the fact that last time he got too quiet, he tried to vault out of their ship like a feral animal.

he kinda wishes he could vault off of the subway. but that's a lot less feasible than leaving a parked ship. and his bullshit would just tag along with him so like. meh. what would be the point. ] It's fine.

[ finn misses having a helmet. when you're wearing a helmet, your face can do whatever it wants and nobody will be any wiser to it. he's always been bad at schooling his expressions right out of the gate. when he isn't expecting to have to. sometimes even when he is expecting it. sometimes it's good to frown in secret. ]

I was just thinking. I do that sometimes.

[ he feels like he could basically shut down for 10 minutes and poe would still be there waiting when he started back up though. that's probably some kind of trust. ]

[he knew he should've put finn in the window seat. mr. flight risk over here. not that it would have stopped finn if he really wanted to bolt off the train. climbing over poe is much less of an obstacle than (basically) a seat belt, even though he'd put up more of an actual fight than one.

but he has tried gentle pushing, and it has proven to be not very effective. time to ... leave it alone for now. he guesses.]

Oh yeah? Guess that makes one of us.

[a rare self-burn for the sake of levity. it's a sacrifice he's willing to make.]

[ finn: attempts to book it
poe: i should have let him have the fucking window seat

sometimes a person wants to dissociate and bang on their drums all day. what do u mean it's not good to repress all your trauma and emotions until an inevitable meltdown and then start right back up again. ]

We can take turns.

[ this is what he's talking about, though. he never has to say anything. does he still feel like there must be a right or wrong answer to some of the things poe talks about? sure. but if poe asked a question and he said "i don't want to talk about that," poe would probably like. stop talking about it. he's like a walking threatless, will-not-hurt-you-actively force field. the worst thing he's threatened to do was stun finn and drag him to the hangar to arguably save his life.

this is the least realistic person in the world. he's just good?? not perfect and he definitely doesn't always say the right thing but he's so... good. it's wild. he almost makes it easy to forget what they're running from and how it probably ends. he makes it easy to not want it to end. he makes it dangerously easy to want to try, to want to make sense.

now, we call this the emotional equivalent of leaving a cheeto in the middle of a parking lot to lure an injured animal into the open, and heck if finn isn't very cautiously seeing what happens if he starts to edge towards that emotional cheeto. will he ever become a stable disaster over an unstable disaster???? i hope so. ]

What do you do with what you can't justify?

[UNLOCKED. what did he unlock? he has no clue but it's a thing. it's putting a key in a door and fiddling with it a little bit and then it magically unlocks. only there's probably deep-seated trauma behind that door but you know what. he asked for this. he can barely handle his own shit, but he's decided to take on some of finn's shit, too. keeping the shit separate was a lie. he wants to know everything about finn. that's his m.o. and that includes things that are painful and hard to talk about, inasmuch as finn wants to actually talk about them.

it just means sounding a little more together than he actually is. less like someone who is constantly on the run from his guilty thoughts. ]

You mean bad calls? Yeah ... I've had my share of those. Sometimes things come down to the wire and you make the wrong choice. Maybe you thought it was justifiable, only to find out it wasn't. [he shakes his head.] And there's nothing you can do to fix it. It's happened. It's done. You just gotta learn from it. Be better next time.

[and he did, didn't he? he learned from his mistakes. too bad they were ... enormous mistakes ...

and maybe this is another one for his greatest hits list. maybe it's going to backfire on him in ways that remain unseen. but it feels right. (just like all his other mistakes.) it's going to work out. he knows it. (yep. still just like all his other mistakes.) ]

[ they need chewie or leia. the only two star wars who have enough of a handle on their own shit to be able to take on another person's en masse and help them with it. rip.

it's all still something to think about. it's what he wanted to do after. be better. fix his mistakes. he almost says something like no, what do you do with commands you can't justify.

but he guesses poe just doesn't follow them. that was a whole thing. they sort of. have that in common? only poe was a lot more yolo maybe, and has possibly done it more than once to his own memory. still. take the cheeto by the horns. until disaster inevitably must strike again. ]

I couldn't follow orders. On my first deployment. Thought that was why they sent me to reconditioning, for a while. [ to have another chance. to be better next time.

apparently he got another chance and completely biffed it tho. which he wasn't expecting. ]

[he nods like ah yes, orders you can't follow. this is also a familiar story. he doesn't know what he can contribute to finn's story. how much he can contribute. what was his first deployment? was it jakku? all the things he doesn't know make him wonder. has he been through this multiple times? that hurts a lot to think about. but if that was true, then maybe ... well, finn was his finn when he'd met him. messy and fearless. if that was true, maybe there was a chance he'd get better. that poe was right, that there was some light, some goodness in finn that the first order would never be able to take.

too bad that's all a fanfiction poe wrote just now. if only ... he had learned literally anything about the love of his life. all he can offer is his own pov. ]

Yeah, if it's an order ... I think you always have to be true to yourself. I've went against orders. That's what I'm doing right now. And yeah, maybe sometimes it blows up in my face. Turns out ways I didn't expect. I made a couple of those bad calls because I didn't want to follow orders, and it cost a lot of people their lives. [here come the guilty thoughts. they found him. he biffed it on the sidewalk and now they're here to beat him up.]

I regret those, but if an order doesn't sit right with you, I think the worst thing you can do is to just blindly follow it. You have to do what's right, because there's a lot of people out there who won't. So there are things I don't regret, too. I don't regret how things went with the New Republic, because it got me to where I needed to be. And I don't regret you.

[and that's important, he thinks. it's important to make sure finn knows that. even if finn was broken now, even if he'd been winter soldier and straight up tried to kill him for offering help, he wouldn't have regretted it. doesn't regret it. if he hadn't tried, he wouldn't have been able to live with himself.

maybe that meant that he wasn't fit to lead the resistance, because he wasn't ready to sacrifice one for the many. but he hadn't. he worked around that. the only collateral damage in the bad end scenario of this would be himself.]

[ when you get so into the person you long for that you write an entire fanfiction about them in your head. the full hundred percent commitment. incredible. ]

Tell me if your mind changes. It won't hurt my feelings. [ all 2.5 of them. fear, confusion, and "idk exactly what this is but i can't make myself try to stop having it."

finn adds the words to his tiny dragon's hoard of nice things poe says that he doesn't totally know what to do with, which in its own way is the same as just accepting them, which is kind of what... one does with nice things that poe says. it's maybe the best coping mechanism he's even evolved so far.

and poe can hold onto his Feelings about this, as perhaps one of the best, most stubborn no-regrets candidates for this situation. bc i can almost guarantee that if finn goes to sleep on this road trip, he comes back up at full disaster mass and tries to pvp everything in his vicinity no matter how nice it was to him on the space subway. he'll need a no-regrets guarantee more than ever. ]

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