followhim | open post

[ i mean it's not a surprise to poe as this point. he is flying full force into this brick wall knowing full well that it's a brick wall. but he's not going to stop trying. even if finn is going to fight him on this and never retain any of the nice things he says, he's still going to try. because someday it will sink in.

his tone is response is very level. calm. not hissing back. his hands don't move from finn's, either. ]

Yeah, I can, because it's true. I'll say it all again if you need me to.

[ high gay drama at its peak. they had a nice stretch of non-brick walls for a little while there. that's going in the scrapbook. ]

I really don't need that. [ and yet?? he also doesn't try to pull his hand back? ] What I need is to know why you won't just-- understand anything, I don't know how else I can--

[ he runs his free hand down his face and puts on his metaphorical thinking cap. ]

There is no getting out, Poe. Not for real. There's no staying out. Everything that you try to give me right now is just something you're gonna lose all over again.

[ how can he say it any more plainly? he sourced this article, the source is him. he's uhhhh totally not scared just talking about this, either, totally not a little bit glad to have a handhold going on. ]

Everything that they have to get rid of when I'm back, I'm gonna know I'm losing until it's gone. I don't even know what's gone from before, but I know I can't do it again. I can't. I need you to stop trying to give me things that won't fit where I need to fit when that happens.

[ that's what it all feels like, he thinks. like poe trying to give him weird verbal gifts. telling him he has a name and a place that wants him back and friends, and that he's a person, even if he's not the same person who had that name and that life and the place that wants him back anymore.

he doesn't want it.

he doesn't want it to go. ]

[ all good things come to an end and etc. poe was expecting the brick wall, all things considered. he just shakes his head, letting his beautiful hair shift around. ]

You don't get it. You're never going back. Even if I have to take down the entire First Order myself, I'm gonna make sure of that. [but he knows that's not going to be enough for finn, so he keeps going. he needs more than that, and poe can give him that. ] But, even if something happens and you do go back? I'd do it all over again. I'd go back and rescue you, and we'd be sitting here having this whole conversation all over again. You're worth that to me. You're something worth fighting for.

[ the waitress comes backs to give them their caf then just sort of looks at this folding out like ukw ... i'm gonna ... give them a minute. bye. but they have caf now so. that's something. poe isn't moving though. too caught up in his gayness. ]

[ finn feels like he's maybe trying to run into a brick wall, too. he's at the point where he literally can't think of a simpler way to put it. they're hitting an impasse based on different fundamental understandings of how the universe works.

what the hell is this, some sort of "unconditional" love and support and unwavering belief that he matters? that's fake as hell. finn's not any less scared, but he can't make himself get mad either. even though poe is clearly on the wrong end of this. he can't find another argument to raise.

he just kinda. he just kinda feels really sad. and like he would probably catch an actual grenade for this guy. QUIT TRYING TO MAKE FINN CRY IN A SPACE DENNYS? 2k18? ]

It's not like I want... [ okay no he still can't make himself say he doesn't want to go back. he knows he will somehow. he came out knowing, and if he says it out loud something bad will obviously happen, that's how it works. wanting doesn't matter for a dang.

he shakes that train of thought out of his head, and it leaves him with the dumb soft train of thought instead, which is arguably even worse for him. but like. at least he can actually make himself say it. ] I don't know what to do with that.

[ UNSTOPPABLE FORCE MEETS IMMOVABLE OBJECT. it's fine. they're fine. everything is fine dog.jpg.

he finally lets go of finn's hand ... but it's so he can touch his face again, fingers brushing against his cheek. it's a brief motion, not a lingering one. ]

You just ... you just accept it, buddy. You don't have to do anything with it.

[ that's how love works. but he stops himself short of that, because as many ridiculous romantic-type declarations as he's made in the last few minutes alone, he can't bring himself to pull the l-word (lesbians. lesbians, clearly) out there in the open because it still hurts too much. finn wouldn't know how to take it, and he wouldn't know how to handle finn not taking it. poorly, probably. cryfest 2k18 part 2.

now that he is in possession of both his hands again, he turns his attention to the cup of caf at his side and takes a drink. what he actually needs is like ... hard alcohol to deal with this hot mess. but he doesn't have any and it's probably not on the menu (is it?), so. ]

[ flagrantly unfair. consider finn Shook.

he doesn't want to want stuff and he's not supposed to have nice things and poe is ruining everything and he hates him. he doesn't hate him. he has zero drops of anything close to hatred in him for poe.

he feels kinda bad for not having his shit together? sometimes this dude just looks so sad, wtf. ]

I just told you what I think about you giving me things.

[ it's weirdly not him arguing?? it's like an evolved form of not-arguing where he's trying to admit that poe has given him the Thing. the Emotions. he guesses they're just gonna be there and he can't make poe stop having them.

he immediately slams half his caf mess hall style because he doesn't give a fuck. HOT? WHO CARES, THAT'S WHAT YOU'VE TRAINED YOURSELF TO TOLERATE OVER YEARS OF DRINKING DRINKS, SO GUN IT. ]

[he smiles a little; a slight thing completely to himself because he knows he won, he got finn to accept his feelings and he won and now he's invincible. all those years of being stubborn and unrelenting were just training for this moment, when he met someone just as bullheaded as him and had to fight him on something. but he won.

there was probably a comeback on his lips, because bantering is his jam, but it's lost when finn just downs that caf like he has never had a drink of anything before in his life. his expression is very this. ~~is finn the khaleesi??? fire cannot kill a dragon??????~~ no you know what he's not going to say anything because he's not rude. he just ... gave finn more screencaps for his gallery, i guess. and drink his own caf like a normal person.

and now he's going to actually look at this menu. there are omelets. maybe he'll have an omelet. that sounds like a food that's edible. ]

Well, now I'm giving you food. You can get whatever you want.

[ finn's gallery is gayer and stranger than ever. and yes, the space prince theory is canon now, he was stolen from dragon planet and they miss him very much.

he looks at his menu and figures, probably none of this is gonna taste like chalk dust. that's kind of cool? and he can cross like half of this stuff off of his options list because he has no idea what the hell it is, which leaves him with...... still maybe too many options, if he lets himself take in the full picture. it's not the biggest menu out there it's just like damn. what. he just gets to choose what he has for whatever meal this technically is???

he's not gonna think about it too much. that's literally the only way he's going to get through anything that poe says or does or tries to give him. maybe he can pick a sandwich or something and hope that they don't ask a lot of questions about what he wants on it. it's on the menu. he shouldn't have to pick stuff, right, it should just come with what's on the menu. ]

[i believe it, finn is a beautiful space dragon prince and that's why everyone is in love with him.

yeah no this is space denny's not the space cheesecake factory; the menu is a short and manageable length. for brevity's sake, the waitress has been sort of watching them like what on earth is this gay ass soap opera (it's a slow day ok what else are u gonna do) and when they look like they're looking at the menu and not holding hands and face touching, she comes back to take their orders. poe is still having an omelet, and if finn tries to order a sandwich she won't make him answer hard questions like how he wants things because she honestly could not give less of a shit. she's got a hot date to see a holo after her shift. it's fine. she will ask if he wants another caf tho bc ... uh. that was fast. you can do it, finn. get that interaction with other people on the outside. you're doing great, sweetie.

now that there's been a lapse in their gayness, poe is left staring at the table like it's the great abyss like, what is this. this is my life now. what a mess. ]

[ space slave army has nothing on interaction with waitresses who just don't give a fuck. he hates it. but he does it.

and you know what, it's fine for poe to stare at the table, because it leaves more room for finn to stare at him. maybe it's more caps for the gallery.

it's not. poe looks certifiably Done. he looks miserable. he looks like he maybe has no idea what he's doing or why he's here. like he almost wishes that he could even want to be a person who wants to give up. and this speaks to finn more clearly than "everything is gonna work out" and "you're not going back ever" and "i have a plan".

honestly, they couldn't actually take the empathy out of him if they'd had him in reconditioning for a year. there are reflections here of things he still does know what to do with.

being also impulsive and half on a date with the abyss, finn uhhh

goes??? for the hand grab? he thinks he's doing it right? it's literally the first impulse that crossed his brain. want to help, not sure how, grab hand. his face says maybe he is prepared to have his moderately gay content brushed off. and he maybe can't maintain eye contact for very long bc he definitely has no idea what he's doing, but you know what. it's already happening and at this point he's committed to Trying. ]

We're a team now. [ wow. romantic. how does he say 'i plan to try very hard to make sure you don't die because you're good and i can tell and i'm sorry i keep making this hard for you.' by not fuckin saying it at all, what's the next best sentiment that might cover it. ] I look out for my team.

[ there there.... poe rebelman. he guesses. he probably could have just said Thanks at any point.

it should scare him more to say that. he got in hot water for that exact kind of empathetic bullshit with slip, and he should definitely know better, but he can't look at poe's face and know better at the same, currently. ]

[yeah he's pretty miserable honestly. abandoning all your principles for ~true love~ sounds great in theory until you get into the logistics of it. and your love doesn't remember you. and you actually kind of like your principles a lot but feel like maybe you can't have both. and your life in general is just rapidly spiraling out of control.

there's a lot there.

he's taken out of his existential crisis spiral by finn taking his hand. (i mean, he reflexively took it, they're holding hands now.) he looks down at both of their hands, then up at finn. he didn't … have to initiate it? finn just went for it???

like, okay, maybe it wasn't very much on an emotional level coming from finn, but to poe it was everything, like some nicholas sparks notebook shit. he is deceased. a grin slowly plasters itself on his face.]

Yeah? Well, I'm glad you've got my back. I wouldn't want anyone else on my team.

[good thing there … isn't??? oh wait bb-8 beeps from under the table like UH EXCUSE YOU I AM YOUR SON. poe glances down and laughs.]

Okay, okay, maybe nobody else except BB-8.

[ just when this space dennys thought they wouldn't be getting back on their gay bullshit.

honestly something about the fact that poe maybe has literally no idea what he's doing with his life makes it a lot easier to. not trust him exactly, because finn's not sure he completely trusts anything that's good. and not relax exactly, because memories or no, he's probably never gonna be 100% relaxed in his life.

but an approximation of a step closer to both of those things. a curl of what might be fondness? for sure.

poe has a good laugh.

the corners of finn's mouth twitch into a smile before he can think better of it. ]

That's fine. He was here first.

[ one day it's gonna have to register for finn how much gayer he is than he remembers anticipating. or i guess how much more capacity-for-love in general, but also looking at poe in his face and being done for. wow. ]

[the waitress is probably live-tweeting their relationship unfold anyway. it's just a series of tweets about them holding hands and staring at each other sadly. riveting.

he isn't sure what to say. or rather, he knows what he wants to say, but he's afraid it'll ruin this moment they're having where everything almost feels sort of okay. all the horrible things are surmountable, because finn is on his team now and they're going to work together to figure things out. how could he ruin that?

uh just watch him. but at least he doesn't sound quite as sad as he was looking and feeling for a minute there. more wistful.]

BB-8 was your friend, too. Before. The first time we escaped, we got split up, and you found him and got him back to the Resistance for me. ... It really meant a lot. To me. And, uh, he likes you.

[bb-8 nudges finn's leg with his round lil body for emphasis. finn is friend. finn is other dad.]

[ that's a... good story? sounds fake? finn looks down at bb-8 again for a sec like this mystery is gonna magically unfurl itself right in front of him. it fails to do so. but he tries to be a good sport and give bb-8 a little head pap. wow, he hopes that's a thing people do.

if any of that really happened, he doesn't remember it.

he doesn't think he actually needs to say so. he thinks poe is probably painfully aware. ]

If I... [ oh boy you know what's cool? thinking of what you're about to ask and having to wrestle down every single spike of learned panic that rears up over it.

but he wants to ask more than he is scared of his own brain bullshit, for once. ]

If I go back. With you. After this. [ you can do this. just force words to come out of your mouth and hate yourself for nebulous Reasons later. tbh it kind of helps to still be holding a hand. shoutout to poe's hand. ] Would I have to stay?

[ he's too afraid to ask if they might really be able to help. he's definitely too afraid to believe he really will make it there. i mean i guess generally he's too afraid to be hopeful.

but if they make it there, that's a reconditioned stormtrooper with directions to a rebel base. if there is no helping him, or if he doesn't want to be there-- look, if he wanted to rot in a holding cell, he could have shot poe earlier and at least done it somewhere familiar, that's all i'm saying. ]

[ bb-8 seems pleased with it, anyway. because he's actually a dog. he gives a small beep.

first of all: poe knew this was coming. he knew this was coming from the second finn tried to bolt with while still strapped in to the tie fighter, maybe from the second he didn't remember. he was off trying to hitchhike a ride off jakku while finn decided to join the resistance, he didn't know why he did or what kept him there. i mean, he wanted to assume it was because it was The Right Thing to Do and finn was just that good, but. what would keep him there now? (poe making sad eyes at him doesn't count as a reason.) ]

If you don't want to stay, I'm not gonna keep you.

[ that's the truth of it. he couldn't. not when finn tried so hard to get out the first time. he couldn't put him in another prison, even if it was a prison where he had a name and wasn't locked up and could do whatever he wanted except for leave. that wasn't right.

that statement is followed by a pause. a pause that feels like standing dangerously close to the edge of a cliff, because it would be spitting in the face of everything he cared about. or used to care about, anyway. it meant taking his inner turmoil and putting it outside, committing one way or the other. and that was terrifying.

but he was still going to do it. ]

I'll go with you. If you end up wanting to leave, I'll go with you.

Edited (When one typo changes everything smdh ) 2018-01-24 16:20 (UTC)

[ a mixture of emotions wells up in him. he doesn't have the words for all of them.

he thinks that can't just be true, it can't all be something poe can promise as easy as that. he thinks this is a war and he's not on the same side. or not. not the same way.

he thinks, weirdly, that poe can't just leave?

but it's hard not to be touched, deeply and sincerely. it's impossible. ]

Even I know the Resistance is bigger than one person, Poe.

[ it covers both fronts. the fact that poe can't just make that call about not keeping him when there are other people with more of a hand in the decision-making process.

and the fact that one stormtrooper, no matter who they are or who they were or what they've done, cannot logistically be worth abandoning a rebellion for. it doesn't add up. ]

[he purses his lips like how dare you point out the giant gaping hole in the 12 percent of a plan he just came up with. but it's fine. it's fine. it's good that he called him out. now he has to think about what his next fuckery move would look like in this potential situation. time to lay some cards on the table. basically all the cards. they're all going on the table. except for like one.]

The only person who outranks me at this point is General Organa. And she ... she really liked you. I don't think she would want you to stay with us if you weren't happy. Maybe, I don't know. [he shakes his head. he doesn't know anything.]

I know I'm going to get in trouble for this. Taken down a few rankings, probably. Everyone'll be happy to see you, but the general will be less happy with me about how you got there. And, I know you don't know me that well now, so I'm gonna be clear. The Resistance is everything to me. I'd do anything for the Resistance. But I'd do anything for you, too. I already did this. This is going AWOL. If I already did it once, then ... I don't know. I just know that I can't let anything happen to you again.

[ this is an unfathomable level of commitment. well maybe not completely hard to picture, in ways that run parallel with everything in his head that he's been rewired not to brush up against.

he's not worth this. there isn't even enough of him to know what to do about it, and every time he stops thinking for a little while it just comes back again full-force, a tense, terrible itch beneath his skin. there's something wrong with him, there's always been something-- even as a cadet, even when he was supposed to be part of a greater unified purpose, he never fit right, something inside him wasn't made right.

all the high scores in the galaxy couldn't fix it. the fact that he's here means reconditioning couldn't even fix it. he's not worth this. ]

Did I understand you at all before, or have you always made no sense as a person?

[ he'd stood in front of captain phasma once and said we're only as strong as our weakest link. tried to use it to justify going back for slip in a simulation, for helping him keep up and stay focused when he would inevitably fall behind. we're only as strong as our weakest link, he'd thought, and it makes us stronger to bolster it.

what finn knows now, what reconditioning could fix, is that his old idea of strengthening his team was foolish and misguided. a weak link is a weak link. if it breaks off-- if it gets itself captured and reprocessed, if it's so much of a liability to even attempt to retrieve it that someone has to go AWOL in their own half-cocked attempt-- then any unit is objectively improved by letting it stay behind. slip was a liability to his fire team. finn, apparently, is a liability to the entire resistance, and to poe on a personal level.

he feels nauseous when he thinks it. he doesn't know why. ]

[ despite himself, that makes him laugh. because it's such a quintessentially finn reaction and yeah, he knows he deserves to be laughed at because he's kind of ridiculous. their lives are pretty ridiculous right now. ]

I think I used to make more sense at some point, maybe. But maybe not.

[ not the best question for someone whose life is spiraling out of control, okay. ]

I don't know what I'm doing. I know that much. I thought this would turn out one way, and it's something else. I'm just trying to keep up. But … it'll work out. Everything's gonna work out.

[ he feels bad explaining things to finn? he didn't want him to know how lost and confused he was feeling, because if he could be the one who had everything together, finn could just depend on him and then he would have everything together. because that's how leadership works. to him personally. in theory. but talking about it ... actually made him feel a little better? less alone. funny how that works.

on that note, they have food now. the waitress has to take a break from live tweeting their relationship to serve them. it's cool. everything is cool. poe is going to prove how cool everything is by eating like ah yes eating food my favorite activity. also, like, maybe he was hungry. ]

[ he'd rather be in the same shitty boat with someone else whose life is falling apart than a boat of any quality with someone trying to insist that their life is not a disaster. there are very few things that bring him comfort. almost nothing, logistically.

damn if it isn't sometimes nice to hear that he's not the only confused and overall horrified person in this situation right now. it's not just him. maybe that should make him more anxious and jittery bc of what it says for their odds of successfully doing anything, but like. he hasn't felt relieved about jack crap in a long, long time, he thinks, maybe. he wants to hold onto that for a while before he hates it. ]

Don't make promises into a bad habit. I know that much.

[ but fine good. he can eat his sandwich. this food that tastes like food, and not basically high-nutrient chalk dust delivered to his cell in pre-sealed packaging to prove it's not tampered with. like a normal human person who just eats regular food all the time. reasonably. he will restrain himself from gunning it like he got into the mess hall with only 5 minutes left to get a meal down. he is calm and definitely not feeling any small spikes of paranoia about poison that he has to combat with "you already slammed the caf anyway idiot if you're poisoned it must be that you're fuckin immune to it".

leave him alone to pretend he's a normal man who stares down his dates like they're an unsolvable riddle. ]

[he tries to eat without also surreptitiously sneaking looks at finn eating like. wow. he loves food so much. he doesn't know what stormtroopers actually get to eat but now he's assuming that it's awful. what if we just went on adventures everywhere trying different food, that would be really cool and exciting and finn would really like it. ~~you're not going to make your own food travel show, poe dameron.~~

after he's eaten enough to feel mostly human again, his brain backtracks to "what was that promise thing finn was talking about???" the only promise he made explicitly with the p-word was that nothing was going to happen to finn. which sort of fits all the other promise-type statements he's made, he guesses. it's sort of delayed, but:]

I wouldn't make a promise if I didn't think I could keep it. I know that much.

[ i would like to say finn has a cool response to that but he can't think of an argument?? he just wants to be like OKAY BUT YOU DON'T KNOW. YOU DON'T KNOW AND YOU CAN'T PROMISE SHIT!!

but it doesn't accomplish anything to do that because poe will just be like "I CAN SO AND I DO SO AND I GUESS IM WILLING TO UPROOT MY ENTIRE LIFE FOR YOU FOR SOME REASON AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO STOP OR QUIT ANYTHING. ALSO WE SHOULD HAVE A SPACE FOOD NETWORK SHOW".

finn has more than enough zest for sabotaging his own life and only current friendship with some food and caffeine in his system but god. poe makes it really hard to either vaguely want or expect to die at any given impetus.

the one situation where it would probably be good to give up and comply without prompting and he can't even be hassled to make himself. ugh. this is bulldonk. he can't win. can't quit, can't figure out how to win arguing with him. can't not like him.

finn just narrows his eyes at poe accusingly and takes another drink of coffee. ]

[yeah that's all pretty on-brand for poe tbh. down to the space food network show.

also: arguing with poe dameron is a huge mistake in general. he will argue with anyone about anything at length for hours until he wins because the other person has withered away and died in the process. good thing finn figured that out and gave up before it was too late. (like there won't be five million other arguments probably? just in this day alone.)

poe raises his eyebrows at the face finn is making at him like really??? you wanna try me??? come at me bro time to learn just how non-stop i really am.]

What, you don't believe me? What can I do to get you to trust me? Is there anything? 'Cause I'll do it.

[ he wonders how many times it's going to circle around to this. to these sort of base-level questions of "you don't believe me" and "what can i do to get you to trust me". he feels like there are gears in his head and something got wedged in there. like maybe he can force them a little further sometimes, but in the end they're still always gonna get so far and then crank backwards, because there's no forward.

he wonders if he could disappear into this scummy city before poe found him again, if he books it out the door fast enough. he wonders if there's a first order outpost somewhere that he can just-- if they do recondition him again, if he walks away from this... this thing that's found him, and asks them to make it stop, if he makes a choice and decides he doesn't want this--

he wonders if living and choosing are supposed to hurt all the time or if that's something they forced into him when they scrubbed out the rest. whatever the rest used to be. whoever. finn takes a few good quiet moments to zone out about it. he wants to say there isn't anything poe can do to make that happen. he wants to say there is but he doesn't know what the way is yet. but those are dumb options. ]

At this point?

[ dissociating is the real mood when you can't deal with this shit. ]

I'm not even sure if I trust that you're real half the time.

[ like it's 50/50 on if he's about to wake up strapped into a chair at any given point. anything is possible. it's a wildcard. ]

[ his expression falls. he'd gotten enough of the picture to piece that finn had been reconditioned, that he lost his memories of everything that had happened after he escaped, that he was kind of a nervous wreck, but it comes to him in waves just what all that means. how much of finn was affected. and it hurts. seeing the person he cares about more than anyone else in the entire galaxy in pain hurts.

furthermore, it makes him confront the idea that maybe ... this is just how finn is now. maybe he'd never remember anything, maybe he'd always be an anxious mess who wasn't sure what was even real or not.

while it rekindles his burning rage to destroy the entire first order with his bare hands somehow, it's a burning rage set on the backburner, because mostly the whole thing just breaks his heart.

but he'd never give up on finn, no matter what. if he never stopped being scared or disassociating, he would deal with it. they would deal with it together. he'd do whatever he could to help him. finn deserved that much. and that's what you do for people you love.

he goes for the face touch again. palm cupping his cheek. ]

I'm real, buddy. I'm real, this is real. It's all real. I'm Poe Dameron, I'm touching you, you're on Coruscant. Real.

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