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[and that's when it occurs to poe that he's been so busy being up his own ass about how sad life is that finn ... would find all of this totally enthralling because he doesn't remember ever BEING OUTSIDE. which, you know what, is kind of precious and melts his heart. and also sad, because like, wow, finn could do so much better than this as far as first experiences go (like maybe a place where he can see the sky and everyone around them isn't 75% probably a criminal??????), but finn's being slightly less of an anxious mess right now, so, it's progress. he'll take it.

but maybe let's not have progress in the doorway, it's going to draw attention towards them when everyone here just wants to stay in their lane and make sketchy underworld crime family business deals to smuggle weapons or whatever the fuck. and poe doesn't need that kind of drama in his life today. so he will gently take finn by the shoulders and lead him over to a table. this is clearly a seat yourself establishment. just stay in your lane, buddy. we're all just gonna stay in our lanes here. it's fine.

maybe he'll say some gay shit to boost morale. it's been a few minutes.]

This isn't even ... there's so much better out there. We're gonna see it. I'll show you.

[after the war?? or right the fuck now when he decides to commit to going awol???? not even he knows at this point in time honestly.]

[ star wars episode ix: return of the gay shit, to boost morale. thanks for not letting him accidentally instigate a whole Thing with an underworld crime family. a second chance at a first time out... no one's told him to kill innocent villagers and it's Not Jakku. finn doesn't even understand the depths of his own gratitude for this experience yet.

he could easily get right back into the same arguments and points he's been trying to make to poe. he could gun it on the cold hard facts he believes and has zero proof to back up, right now, 100% miss me with that gay shit style. but it would bounce off of poe like a pebble off of a star destroyer. he's running out of ways to try to get it across and he doesn't think he has it in him to start another round of "disappointing poe and feeling bad about feeling like it would be nice if that could really happen someday". so instead of telling poe to stop talking out of his ass, at least for the time being, finn says: ]

There's nothing wrong with this. [ while leaning down to look at the gross space gum people stuck to the bottom of this table, probably. it's appreciating authenticity and doublechecking for anything suspicious about their table, all in one fell swoop. ]

[it's true; poe took finn's f- first outside experience and turned it into a solid d+. he tried.

all of finn's pessimism will never get poe down because he incapable of fully absorbing it. he is a weeble who wobbles but doesn't fall down. because the galaxy is a good place and everything is just going to work itself out, and also don't forget that he is going to help the galaxy work itself out by murdering the entire first order. eventually.

bb-8 rolled under the table, so when finn checks under there he gets a greeting beep from their droid pal in response. most likely literally "sup fam. don't eat the space gum, it's gross." ]

Yeah? You like it? [ his kokoro :'( it's too much omg. HE LIKES IT. what an angel. ] It's not bad, [not going to come into a place like YEAH THIS IS A SHITHOLE where everyone can hear and the cook can spit in his food; his parents (all three of them) raised him better than that.] there's just a lot out there, buddy.

[ god poe is too gay and kind for this. he doesn't have the psychological or medical training to handle even his own gay feelings, the poor sap.

finn still doesn't speak droid for shit but he takes the opportunity to give bb-8 an actual look before he sits up straight, and not so much of a resigned and panicked acknowledgment like earlier. custom paint job. smdh. this man would absolutely have a customized droid. ]

I'll take your word for it.

[ that's civil, right. that's polite. he doesn't have to say buddy. finn tries to reel in some of his overall... peeping. to moderate success. he doesn't know a crime diner from a good one, but he deffo doesn't trust anyone in here either though, so. he can settle for minor peeping and impulsive half distracted conversation skills. and for fiddling with a straw. ]

Got deployed to a mining colony once, but. [ shrug. it was a mine. except for the part where it got super awful, it was not all that different from every other first order biz, barracks and all. it was first order through and through tbh. plus also underground. didn't hit many real world points. ] I think that's the last thing I-- remember. From before. Last thing that makes sense.

[ look he is p sure poe still doesn't make sense. poe is a new outlier. finn has half-baked thoughts and flashes for days. ]

Edited (holy shit im glad i came back 4 that typo sry friend) 2018-01-19 20:18 (UTC)

[ yeah you know he has a customized droid and he was probably up in the garage at like 3 a.m. painting bb-8 himself. because that's how extra and intense he is. about everything.

also he is crying inside not only because it's sad that finn doesn't remember his adventures — he got to go to canto bight and doesn't even remember?? — but also, like. there was never time for them to sit down and talk about things like this. things like finn's life. it had just been them constantly reacting, putting out one fire after the other. that's the nature of war, he guesses? but. but. he also wants to know everything about finn. and if they just … didn't go back … he could do that forever …

no dameron. bad. don't think about it. not right now. ]

Before I was Resistance, I was a pilot for the New Republic. I've been all over the place. Not the entire galaxy, but … a nice-sized corner of it.

[meanwhile, re: peeping: there are a few people/aliens here, at different tables, but they all seem involved in either eating or having quiet conversations and not paying attention to these two weirdos and their small droid son. a waitress who looks bored and very much like "oh great look at these recently crying gays, just what i always wanted … not" comes over to unceremoniously drop menus on the table and ask if they want anything to drink. ]

Yeah, uh, caf. Black. [he glances over at finn, concerned because he… might not know what drinks are? shut up poe, that's stupid. of course he does. (does he?)]

[ it's a real wild ride, thinking of going full awol for Love. i feel bad bc it's like, rey has magic jedi powers and she could at least try to help with this whole bad vibe reconditioning situation. but damn if actually getting finn to the resistance willingly isn't the hardest hurdle to get over. getting him to do anything is a whole ordeal.

his forehead creases at the mention of the new republic. even carefully shoving aside all the immediate bad associations he was kinda raised to have with it, there's a weird kind of. moment. like thinking there's one more stair than there really is and having your foot whiff it really hard.

he wonders what it's like to just be out there seeing parts of the galaxy sometimes. ]

Caf's fine.

[ he looks back at poe kind of like ???? what, what is it now??? should he be worried about something????? should he be more than vaguely alarmed? he's also taking mental screenshots of every single weird (to him) look that poe gives him. there are so many mental screenshots in the gallery already. ]

You... okay?

[ tbf to poe though, he probably hasn't had anything to drink that wasn't like. water or gross vitamin shakes in space capri sun packs since he fell back into jerk fascist town. he literally can't remember how long it's been since the last time he had caf. why didn't they give him a calendar, it would have been nice. ]

[ maybe rey could help. maybe poe will arrive to that conclusion if he gets his head out of his ass. like ... ever. he's trying but it's a struggle. he is on his bullshit so hard and no one is here to yell at him and keep him in check. finn's panicked screaming doesn't count. he literally needs an adult.

also having a mental gallery of screenshots of poe's face is pretty gay regardless of why ur doing it, son. ]

What? Yeah, no, I'm okay. I was just thinking.

[which isn't ... untrue? he's been doing a lot of thinking on this adventure. more thinking than he usually likes to do — he prefers to do zero amounts of thinking. but every time he tries to turn his thoughts off, his brain keeps coming back with more wild shit. like "MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T GO BACK TO THE RESISTANCE" and "i wonder if finn's ever had caf before" and "everything kind of sucks right now and i'd maybe like to cry some more."

he's not going to say all of that to finn though so he settles on the easiest one to digest.]

About, uh, I was wondering if you ever even had caf before. I don't know what it's like ... back there, I guess.

[poe dameron: wants mundane bullshit conversations, discovers he sucks at mundane bullshit conversations. revolutionary.]

Edited 2018-01-20 07:00 (UTC)

[ excuse you, panicked screaming is great? okay nah that tracks.

and the gallery is... incredibly gay.

poe gives him an honest answer. don't ask him how he even knows. if he thinks about it, he'll convince himself that he doesn't know. maybe he doesn't know.

it's easy to forget other people weren't raised in a fascist soldier cult and might not know what all that entails. it's mundane shit for finn, just weird to be around someone who hasn't like, had the exact same life only with different test scores and maybe standing a foot to the left. ]

I mean, we have caf. Not all the time. I haven't lately. [ but it's happened. he scrunches his face a little tbh he's still kinda like what line of bullshit is this and how can i fail first order standards no matter how carefully i go about it. he then seizes on a minor impulse, as he's wont to do. ]

What, did you want to know?

Yeah.

[ how can he say what he wants to say without coming on way too strong and gay? just kidding he always comes on way too strong and gay, why wouldn't he go for it now? (because finn is probably still going to run away any minute now and he hasn't figured out what to say to ensure that he stays. that.) ]

I want to know everything about you. I didn't have a chance to before now, and I regret it. You can know whatever you want about me, too, if you want.

[ oh. he vaguely expected the "yeah," but the strong gay finisher surprises him. he's weirdly touched? is poe a sorcerer??

finn's face pulls some complicated bullshit again, to match the complicated bullshit his emotions start to pull on him. he sort of-- wants to apologize. like sorry you've been so kind and trying so hard this whole time, and i've been crawling out of my skin yelling at you because this isn't allowed to be a good situation. sorry it's probably gonna get you murdered right along with me?

sorry i'm not him, and even if we impossibly get out of this alive, it's a matter of time until you realize how not him i am and wash your hands of this mess, and i can't even blame you for it but that is somehow almost worse than anything else that might happen to me. even though i've only known you for like less than a day afaik. that would totally make sense to say.

finn didn't really realize how much of his brain he wanted to make stop until now. he's just kinda been taking his own brain soup crap at face value. it's not supposed to matter. wanting is never gonna be enough to make something stop hurting. god he'd love it if it would be enough just this once, though. ]

I'm not... [ he doesn't have the capacity to handle this, what does he even do with this moment in time, emotionally. holy shit. it's mildly alarming. ] There's not that much.

[ but he didn't shoot it down. curiosity trumps again 2k18. ]

[joke's on you poe will NEVER GIVE UP. he was born without the giving up gene. 20 years from now when finn is still an anxious disaster poe will be sitting right next to him like "okay but are you sure you still don't remember the time you were naked in a bacta bag and i ran across the hangar like it was life day morning?? no??? okay, maybe tomorrow."

add this screencap to your gallery: poe's brow furrows with concern. it's been coming in waves, the different levels of horrible that finn's life was. BECAUSE THEY LITERALLY NEVER TALKED ABOUT IT, so he didn't have to think. and now that he's confronted with it, he's like "...oh. oh. EXCUSE ME?" he knows it's not a dismissive "there's not much", that's a "finn literally doesn't think there's that much to him because he was raised to think he's less than a person."

UNACCEPTABLE. ]

I know that's not true.

[he reaches across the table to take one of finn's hands in both of his. just going for it. going full gay now, no turning back. take another screencap of his painfully earnest face.]

You still think you're just a number, I get that, but I know there's so much more than that. Even if you don't remember everything that happened before, the you that you are now? He's somebody, too. Everybody is important and special in some way. I really believe that. And you can't — don't ever let anyone make you feel like you aren't. Like you don't deserve that much. 'Cause I'll come kick their ass.

[nailed it. probably way too strong for "i just wanted to know if like you had any stormtrooper friends and what your favorite food is and if you have a birthday" but you know what? you know what? you're looking at the most extra person in the entire galaxy. sorry not sorry.]

[ ABORT MISSION. FINN DID NOT THINK THINGS COULD GET MORE EMOTIONALLY INTIMATE OR EARNEST. i mean he has really bad standards on this rn anyway but still. too many screencaps! too many genuine pilots taking his hand! and it's nice, and he almost doesn't admit it even to himself. who the hell authorized this? someone holding his hand shouldn't make him want to sit down and cry in another alley, who did this?

this is too much. this is not fair. aka 'his entire mind and also probably the way his expression softens out for a little bit, quietly but with a lot of feeling: what the fuck.'

he rockets up from 'mildly' on the alarmed scale, but it's like a weird internal cyclone of alarm. it's like it's not even really happening to him. he just kinda stares at their hands while he fills up with muted dread like sands through the hourglass. he misses something he doesn't know. he thinks he's pretty much defective no matter how hard anyone's been trying to fix him lately. he thinks poe is dumb and very beautiful.

anyway, he opens the floor for discussion by channeling his mix of warmth and instant illogical Fear into arguing. WHAT A SHOCK. WHO COULD BELIEVE. why do i rp this disaster.

a contained hiss argument, though, not a yell. who wants to yell in a nice joint like this one. he's got manners. ]

You can't just say that!

[ i mean it's not a surprise to poe as this point. he is flying full force into this brick wall knowing full well that it's a brick wall. but he's not going to stop trying. even if finn is going to fight him on this and never retain any of the nice things he says, he's still going to try. because someday it will sink in.

his tone is response is very level. calm. not hissing back. his hands don't move from finn's, either. ]

Yeah, I can, because it's true. I'll say it all again if you need me to.

[ high gay drama at its peak. they had a nice stretch of non-brick walls for a little while there. that's going in the scrapbook. ]

I really don't need that. [ and yet?? he also doesn't try to pull his hand back? ] What I need is to know why you won't just-- understand anything, I don't know how else I can--

[ he runs his free hand down his face and puts on his metaphorical thinking cap. ]

There is no getting out, Poe. Not for real. There's no staying out. Everything that you try to give me right now is just something you're gonna lose all over again.

[ how can he say it any more plainly? he sourced this article, the source is him. he's uhhhh totally not scared just talking about this, either, totally not a little bit glad to have a handhold going on. ]

Everything that they have to get rid of when I'm back, I'm gonna know I'm losing until it's gone. I don't even know what's gone from before, but I know I can't do it again. I can't. I need you to stop trying to give me things that won't fit where I need to fit when that happens.

[ that's what it all feels like, he thinks. like poe trying to give him weird verbal gifts. telling him he has a name and a place that wants him back and friends, and that he's a person, even if he's not the same person who had that name and that life and the place that wants him back anymore.

he doesn't want it.

he doesn't want it to go. ]

[ all good things come to an end and etc. poe was expecting the brick wall, all things considered. he just shakes his head, letting his beautiful hair shift around. ]

You don't get it. You're never going back. Even if I have to take down the entire First Order myself, I'm gonna make sure of that. [but he knows that's not going to be enough for finn, so he keeps going. he needs more than that, and poe can give him that. ] But, even if something happens and you do go back? I'd do it all over again. I'd go back and rescue you, and we'd be sitting here having this whole conversation all over again. You're worth that to me. You're something worth fighting for.

[ the waitress comes backs to give them their caf then just sort of looks at this folding out like ukw ... i'm gonna ... give them a minute. bye. but they have caf now so. that's something. poe isn't moving though. too caught up in his gayness. ]

[ finn feels like he's maybe trying to run into a brick wall, too. he's at the point where he literally can't think of a simpler way to put it. they're hitting an impasse based on different fundamental understandings of how the universe works.

what the hell is this, some sort of "unconditional" love and support and unwavering belief that he matters? that's fake as hell. finn's not any less scared, but he can't make himself get mad either. even though poe is clearly on the wrong end of this. he can't find another argument to raise.

he just kinda. he just kinda feels really sad. and like he would probably catch an actual grenade for this guy. QUIT TRYING TO MAKE FINN CRY IN A SPACE DENNYS? 2k18? ]

It's not like I want... [ okay no he still can't make himself say he doesn't want to go back. he knows he will somehow. he came out knowing, and if he says it out loud something bad will obviously happen, that's how it works. wanting doesn't matter for a dang.

he shakes that train of thought out of his head, and it leaves him with the dumb soft train of thought instead, which is arguably even worse for him. but like. at least he can actually make himself say it. ] I don't know what to do with that.

[ UNSTOPPABLE FORCE MEETS IMMOVABLE OBJECT. it's fine. they're fine. everything is fine dog.jpg.

he finally lets go of finn's hand ... but it's so he can touch his face again, fingers brushing against his cheek. it's a brief motion, not a lingering one. ]

You just ... you just accept it, buddy. You don't have to do anything with it.

[ that's how love works. but he stops himself short of that, because as many ridiculous romantic-type declarations as he's made in the last few minutes alone, he can't bring himself to pull the l-word (lesbians. lesbians, clearly) out there in the open because it still hurts too much. finn wouldn't know how to take it, and he wouldn't know how to handle finn not taking it. poorly, probably. cryfest 2k18 part 2.

now that he is in possession of both his hands again, he turns his attention to the cup of caf at his side and takes a drink. what he actually needs is like ... hard alcohol to deal with this hot mess. but he doesn't have any and it's probably not on the menu (is it?), so. ]

[ flagrantly unfair. consider finn Shook.

he doesn't want to want stuff and he's not supposed to have nice things and poe is ruining everything and he hates him. he doesn't hate him. he has zero drops of anything close to hatred in him for poe.

he feels kinda bad for not having his shit together? sometimes this dude just looks so sad, wtf. ]

I just told you what I think about you giving me things.

[ it's weirdly not him arguing?? it's like an evolved form of not-arguing where he's trying to admit that poe has given him the Thing. the Emotions. he guesses they're just gonna be there and he can't make poe stop having them.

he immediately slams half his caf mess hall style because he doesn't give a fuck. HOT? WHO CARES, THAT'S WHAT YOU'VE TRAINED YOURSELF TO TOLERATE OVER YEARS OF DRINKING DRINKS, SO GUN IT. ]

[he smiles a little; a slight thing completely to himself because he knows he won, he got finn to accept his feelings and he won and now he's invincible. all those years of being stubborn and unrelenting were just training for this moment, when he met someone just as bullheaded as him and had to fight him on something. but he won.

there was probably a comeback on his lips, because bantering is his jam, but it's lost when finn just downs that caf like he has never had a drink of anything before in his life. his expression is very this. ~~is finn the khaleesi??? fire cannot kill a dragon??????~~ no you know what he's not going to say anything because he's not rude. he just ... gave finn more screencaps for his gallery, i guess. and drink his own caf like a normal person.

and now he's going to actually look at this menu. there are omelets. maybe he'll have an omelet. that sounds like a food that's edible. ]

Well, now I'm giving you food. You can get whatever you want.

[ finn's gallery is gayer and stranger than ever. and yes, the space prince theory is canon now, he was stolen from dragon planet and they miss him very much.

he looks at his menu and figures, probably none of this is gonna taste like chalk dust. that's kind of cool? and he can cross like half of this stuff off of his options list because he has no idea what the hell it is, which leaves him with...... still maybe too many options, if he lets himself take in the full picture. it's not the biggest menu out there it's just like damn. what. he just gets to choose what he has for whatever meal this technically is???

he's not gonna think about it too much. that's literally the only way he's going to get through anything that poe says or does or tries to give him. maybe he can pick a sandwich or something and hope that they don't ask a lot of questions about what he wants on it. it's on the menu. he shouldn't have to pick stuff, right, it should just come with what's on the menu. ]

[i believe it, finn is a beautiful space dragon prince and that's why everyone is in love with him.

yeah no this is space denny's not the space cheesecake factory; the menu is a short and manageable length. for brevity's sake, the waitress has been sort of watching them like what on earth is this gay ass soap opera (it's a slow day ok what else are u gonna do) and when they look like they're looking at the menu and not holding hands and face touching, she comes back to take their orders. poe is still having an omelet, and if finn tries to order a sandwich she won't make him answer hard questions like how he wants things because she honestly could not give less of a shit. she's got a hot date to see a holo after her shift. it's fine. she will ask if he wants another caf tho bc ... uh. that was fast. you can do it, finn. get that interaction with other people on the outside. you're doing great, sweetie.

now that there's been a lapse in their gayness, poe is left staring at the table like it's the great abyss like, what is this. this is my life now. what a mess. ]

[ space slave army has nothing on interaction with waitresses who just don't give a fuck. he hates it. but he does it.

and you know what, it's fine for poe to stare at the table, because it leaves more room for finn to stare at him. maybe it's more caps for the gallery.

it's not. poe looks certifiably Done. he looks miserable. he looks like he maybe has no idea what he's doing or why he's here. like he almost wishes that he could even want to be a person who wants to give up. and this speaks to finn more clearly than "everything is gonna work out" and "you're not going back ever" and "i have a plan".

honestly, they couldn't actually take the empathy out of him if they'd had him in reconditioning for a year. there are reflections here of things he still does know what to do with.

being also impulsive and half on a date with the abyss, finn uhhh

goes??? for the hand grab? he thinks he's doing it right? it's literally the first impulse that crossed his brain. want to help, not sure how, grab hand. his face says maybe he is prepared to have his moderately gay content brushed off. and he maybe can't maintain eye contact for very long bc he definitely has no idea what he's doing, but you know what. it's already happening and at this point he's committed to Trying. ]

We're a team now. [ wow. romantic. how does he say 'i plan to try very hard to make sure you don't die because you're good and i can tell and i'm sorry i keep making this hard for you.' by not fuckin saying it at all, what's the next best sentiment that might cover it. ] I look out for my team.

[ there there.... poe rebelman. he guesses. he probably could have just said Thanks at any point.

it should scare him more to say that. he got in hot water for that exact kind of empathetic bullshit with slip, and he should definitely know better, but he can't look at poe's face and know better at the same, currently. ]

[yeah he's pretty miserable honestly. abandoning all your principles for ~true love~ sounds great in theory until you get into the logistics of it. and your love doesn't remember you. and you actually kind of like your principles a lot but feel like maybe you can't have both. and your life in general is just rapidly spiraling out of control.

there's a lot there.

he's taken out of his existential crisis spiral by finn taking his hand. (i mean, he reflexively took it, they're holding hands now.) he looks down at both of their hands, then up at finn. he didn't … have to initiate it? finn just went for it???

like, okay, maybe it wasn't very much on an emotional level coming from finn, but to poe it was everything, like some nicholas sparks notebook shit. he is deceased. a grin slowly plasters itself on his face.]

Yeah? Well, I'm glad you've got my back. I wouldn't want anyone else on my team.

[good thing there … isn't??? oh wait bb-8 beeps from under the table like UH EXCUSE YOU I AM YOUR SON. poe glances down and laughs.]

Okay, okay, maybe nobody else except BB-8.

[ just when this space dennys thought they wouldn't be getting back on their gay bullshit.

honestly something about the fact that poe maybe has literally no idea what he's doing with his life makes it a lot easier to. not trust him exactly, because finn's not sure he completely trusts anything that's good. and not relax exactly, because memories or no, he's probably never gonna be 100% relaxed in his life.

but an approximation of a step closer to both of those things. a curl of what might be fondness? for sure.

poe has a good laugh.

the corners of finn's mouth twitch into a smile before he can think better of it. ]

That's fine. He was here first.

[ one day it's gonna have to register for finn how much gayer he is than he remembers anticipating. or i guess how much more capacity-for-love in general, but also looking at poe in his face and being done for. wow. ]

[the waitress is probably live-tweeting their relationship unfold anyway. it's just a series of tweets about them holding hands and staring at each other sadly. riveting.

he isn't sure what to say. or rather, he knows what he wants to say, but he's afraid it'll ruin this moment they're having where everything almost feels sort of okay. all the horrible things are surmountable, because finn is on his team now and they're going to work together to figure things out. how could he ruin that?

uh just watch him. but at least he doesn't sound quite as sad as he was looking and feeling for a minute there. more wistful.]

BB-8 was your friend, too. Before. The first time we escaped, we got split up, and you found him and got him back to the Resistance for me. ... It really meant a lot. To me. And, uh, he likes you.

[bb-8 nudges finn's leg with his round lil body for emphasis. finn is friend. finn is other dad.]

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