followhim | open post

[ HEY MAN HE'S ON THE SAME LEVEL. WHOMST THE FUCK ELSE.... COULD EVEN... THAT ALL SOUNDS FAKE. almost everything poe says sounds fake as hell and like it deserves some all-around bad associations. he's getting really concerned about that. bc that's totally not the reconditioning talking. obviously this is just going to be awful and bad. ]

That sounds like almost exactly what I'm worried about.

[ kneejerk emotions aside, he's also just kinda like. oh i had friends and people who care and might want to see me. looking forward to making them look all sad and desperate just like poe did. these people he doesn't even know anymore shouldn't bother him on any level but wow, they really do. he doesn't want to... get their hopes up. ]

You do know you're bringing back a stormtrooper, right?

You're not a stormtrooper! Not anymore. You were a stormtrooper who defected to help the Resistance. You're a rebel. [he's like oh man i gotta fire up an inspirational speech but this is all i've got right now. i'm so tired. help.] You were so — nobody's ever done that before. Look, just ... c'mon, we can walk and talk. [let's please leave the tie fighter behind forever. and take a walk to a shitty diner probably. still on his romance a-game. ]

[ finn, being himself, will concede to start walking and leave that dumb tie fighter behind forever. but he's absolutely not gonna let this drop, which is his own personal romance a-game.

this is exactly what he means. this is exactly the entire problem. in a semi-urgent 'walking around in public ish' whisper, mostly pitched as a general "eventually poe will realize this comes down to hard Facts" warning: ]

I'm not a defector anymore. I'm not a rebel. I'm a stormtrooper. Anything about me that wasn't right, they fixed.

[ well. """right""" and """fixed""", which is at least present in his tone. ]

That's what's left. And it's way too much of a liability to drop in the middle of a rebellion without thinking first.

[ please don't let him tool around the resistance where he might fuck something up in a major way, because he genuinely doesn't think he wants to do that but he has no idea if he will have to regardless of what he wants, is what he thinks he's saying. even though that thought process is literally?? as non stormtrooper as it gets?? forest for the trees mcgee over here. he just wants 2 be upfront. tiredness only fuels him. ]

But you came with me!

[ yeah, because he THREATENED HIM INTO COMING. he is reluctantly cognizant of that fact. but he didn't actually have to stun him to get him to come? finn was just ... scared. which is understandable, considering. considering his entire life.

this is the first time poe takes into consideration that maybe ... maybe ... if he wants to have finn, he can't have finn and the resistance. he conveniently missed all the other parts of the movies where finn proved he was just one giant flight risk waiting to happen. but how could he make that choice?

his parents did. they retired before the war was over, straight "peace out fam, we're tired." but this was a different war. different numbers. significantly lower numbers. the resistance needed him. and, if pushed, finn would most definitely say that he did not need him as some kind protector.

and then skitter off to cry in an alleyway. look at him. yikes. okay. no. this is not the time to be thinking about that. no thinking about the future. why did finn get him thinking about the future?

(and maybe he'd already made the choice to some degree -- look at this bullshit, he straight went awol.) ]

Even if ... there's nowhere safer than the Resistance. Where else are you going to go instead? The Resistance wants to help you, regardless of whether or not you actually accept that.

[ or at least he, rose, and rey would want to help him which is about half of the resistance so you know. pretty good odds??? ]

[ his long term flight risk stat went down pretty far between tfa and tlj but boy howdy it was still there. and the first order doesn't believe in positive character development, only in fucking up perfectly good rebels. possibly just to prove a point and then murder them.its back to step one and then maybe negative a couple more steps from there.

finn has the good heart of a rebel and enough confused trauma to feed an army. he also sounds moderately offended. ]

You walked into my cell and said I was coming with you one way or the other. I said I didn't need help: you wouldn't listen! You wouldnt stop-- looking at me like that! Or calling me that! [ AND MAYBE IT MADE HIM SAD AND MAYBE HE STILL IS AND MAYBE!! he just actually has no idea why he gives a heck. ] So I picked the option where I'd die knowing what was happening. Excuse me if I'm a little short on plans now that that's fallen through!

[ GOD WHATEVER ]

Finn? I've always called you that.

[but finn doesn't remember that. it's a very, very delayed realization from poe who was processing too much other shit at the time. maybe some willful not thinking about it because if he'd just called him finn enough, finn would remember it and everything would be fine.

he tries to keep calm, keep his voice level because even though the street isn't exactly crawling with people, there are still people vaguely around and he doesn't want to draw any attention to them. thanks for helping with that finn. good job fam.]

You've never been just a number to me. You've always been a person. You've always been Finn. And you're not dying. Neither of us are. Everything's going to work out.

[welcome to his personal motto, "everything's going to work out." it just is. don't worry about it. it hasn't been wrong so far in his 32 years of living?]

[ he points right at poe's dumb handsome face, as if to say THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I FUCKING MEAN THAT IS THE STUPID LOOK YOU HAVE AND YOURE DOING THIS ON PURPOSE. NO CHILL NO CHILL

he almost, for the sake of argument, says "yes, finn," but he can't make it actually leave his mouth. his brain refuses to allow it, so it sits in his chest like a sharp rock instead. there are so many things he can't just say out loud with his mouth. the minute he tries to own any of this-- a name, this history, this whole personhood thing, it's over. he doesn't need a logical reason to know shit! he was pressing the line by vaguely asking if he had a life. it can't be something that's his. he can't say it's something that was taken, because he was never supposed to have it anyway.

more importantly, poe is dumb. he's dumb and he's so earnest and his face is sometimes like getting punched in the face, and he's good and he's human and he kidnapped a fucking stormtrooper for sentimental reasons. and finn can't look poe in the face without feeling like maybe he should just trust him. he can't afford that. it's not fair. so guess what, he doesn't have to feel anything if he doesn't see how sincere you are! that's how it works.

in this world we shake our heads like stubborn babies instead of explaining any of our problems or figuring out how to articulate our problems. fuck you and your "youre a person and youre good and people care about you and we're gonna be fine," poe.

this can end two ways for him, and those are both with the first order. they will get him back. and when they do, death is the least terrifying option. ]

[OMG WHY ARE YOU POINTING AT HIM. he didn't understand what finn meant by "looking at him like that", since he thought he was just looking at him like a person with eyes. or maybe he was looking too sad, which the thought of made him feel even more sad, so. good job there.

but he gets the feeling that finn has decided to just shut down on him instead of acknowledging anything he just said, and, well ... when you get so much of that over and over, it's hard. he's not giving up, he'd never give up, but he needs to take a few seconds to recharge from throwing himself at a brick wall so many times. it's a lot.

he's quiet for the rest of the walk — he's never been on this level before, don't look at him, he's not a professional, but he has a vague idea of how these things are laid out and everyone's gotta eat so sooner or later they will find a place with food. the odds are very high.

oh look it's a shitty diner, he was right because the force is always lookin' out for him.

he imagined doing something like this with finn, maybe after the war ... going on adventures and doing wild bullshit like this. but, you know, going restaurants in a nice neighborhood on a nice planet (or the nice parts of coruscant; let's be fair to coruscant). laughing because he didn't know what some weird sandwich was or something. nice things. but that's just a dream on his boulevard of broken dreams now. rip.

anyway he abruptly turns when he sees said diner and holds the door open for finn (and bb-8 who is still there i swear). that's what's up.]

[ he means QUIT LOOKING AT HIM WITH THOSE BIG OLE EYES. sorry, pal :( his stubbornness has remained fully intact. he won't make an excuse, he's pretty well aware he's being a jerk.

which hasn't been working to make poe understand some of these basic fundamental truths of life at all, no matter which angle he tries, he's realizing, so it's counter-intuitive. it doesn't even really help him feel like he's got control of anything, considering he literally just sat down and cried all over a dude and his droid because of all of his One Fears. why does he keep doing it?? we just don't know.

finn doesn't have a single solitary shit together.

so tbh it's kind of a relief to have the talking stop for a little while. it's good to not have to think about it. he can take time to stress out in silence the way he was raised.

but like... on the other hand....... he's never been to a diner before. 👀 👀 👀

finn decides immediately that this shitty diner is worth the curious look-around he drops his severe scowl to dole out. it's here, being a shitty diner! he doesn't trust a single person in this building, but look at it go! as a walking disaster with no standards, he likes it. so curiosity trumps being a hot mess for a glorious few seconds. poe doesn't even get a suspicious glare for daring to hold a door like a decent person.

just try to tell him this isn't neat, he'll find the nearest dumpster and pvp you behind it. CANTO BIGHT WHO I DONT KNOW HER.

he's also kinda blocking the foot traffic flow tho. ]

[and that's when it occurs to poe that he's been so busy being up his own ass about how sad life is that finn ... would find all of this totally enthralling because he doesn't remember ever BEING OUTSIDE. which, you know what, is kind of precious and melts his heart. and also sad, because like, wow, finn could do so much better than this as far as first experiences go (like maybe a place where he can see the sky and everyone around them isn't 75% probably a criminal??????), but finn's being slightly less of an anxious mess right now, so, it's progress. he'll take it.

but maybe let's not have progress in the doorway, it's going to draw attention towards them when everyone here just wants to stay in their lane and make sketchy underworld crime family business deals to smuggle weapons or whatever the fuck. and poe doesn't need that kind of drama in his life today. so he will gently take finn by the shoulders and lead him over to a table. this is clearly a seat yourself establishment. just stay in your lane, buddy. we're all just gonna stay in our lanes here. it's fine.

maybe he'll say some gay shit to boost morale. it's been a few minutes.]

This isn't even ... there's so much better out there. We're gonna see it. I'll show you.

[after the war?? or right the fuck now when he decides to commit to going awol???? not even he knows at this point in time honestly.]

[ star wars episode ix: return of the gay shit, to boost morale. thanks for not letting him accidentally instigate a whole Thing with an underworld crime family. a second chance at a first time out... no one's told him to kill innocent villagers and it's Not Jakku. finn doesn't even understand the depths of his own gratitude for this experience yet.

he could easily get right back into the same arguments and points he's been trying to make to poe. he could gun it on the cold hard facts he believes and has zero proof to back up, right now, 100% miss me with that gay shit style. but it would bounce off of poe like a pebble off of a star destroyer. he's running out of ways to try to get it across and he doesn't think he has it in him to start another round of "disappointing poe and feeling bad about feeling like it would be nice if that could really happen someday". so instead of telling poe to stop talking out of his ass, at least for the time being, finn says: ]

There's nothing wrong with this. [ while leaning down to look at the gross space gum people stuck to the bottom of this table, probably. it's appreciating authenticity and doublechecking for anything suspicious about their table, all in one fell swoop. ]

[it's true; poe took finn's f- first outside experience and turned it into a solid d+. he tried.

all of finn's pessimism will never get poe down because he incapable of fully absorbing it. he is a weeble who wobbles but doesn't fall down. because the galaxy is a good place and everything is just going to work itself out, and also don't forget that he is going to help the galaxy work itself out by murdering the entire first order. eventually.

bb-8 rolled under the table, so when finn checks under there he gets a greeting beep from their droid pal in response. most likely literally "sup fam. don't eat the space gum, it's gross." ]

Yeah? You like it? [ his kokoro :'( it's too much omg. HE LIKES IT. what an angel. ] It's not bad, [not going to come into a place like YEAH THIS IS A SHITHOLE where everyone can hear and the cook can spit in his food; his parents (all three of them) raised him better than that.] there's just a lot out there, buddy.

[ god poe is too gay and kind for this. he doesn't have the psychological or medical training to handle even his own gay feelings, the poor sap.

finn still doesn't speak droid for shit but he takes the opportunity to give bb-8 an actual look before he sits up straight, and not so much of a resigned and panicked acknowledgment like earlier. custom paint job. smdh. this man would absolutely have a customized droid. ]

I'll take your word for it.

[ that's civil, right. that's polite. he doesn't have to say buddy. finn tries to reel in some of his overall... peeping. to moderate success. he doesn't know a crime diner from a good one, but he deffo doesn't trust anyone in here either though, so. he can settle for minor peeping and impulsive half distracted conversation skills. and for fiddling with a straw. ]

Got deployed to a mining colony once, but. [ shrug. it was a mine. except for the part where it got super awful, it was not all that different from every other first order biz, barracks and all. it was first order through and through tbh. plus also underground. didn't hit many real world points. ] I think that's the last thing I-- remember. From before. Last thing that makes sense.

[ look he is p sure poe still doesn't make sense. poe is a new outlier. finn has half-baked thoughts and flashes for days. ]

Edited (holy shit im glad i came back 4 that typo sry friend) 2018-01-19 20:18 (UTC)

[ yeah you know he has a customized droid and he was probably up in the garage at like 3 a.m. painting bb-8 himself. because that's how extra and intense he is. about everything.

also he is crying inside not only because it's sad that finn doesn't remember his adventures — he got to go to canto bight and doesn't even remember?? — but also, like. there was never time for them to sit down and talk about things like this. things like finn's life. it had just been them constantly reacting, putting out one fire after the other. that's the nature of war, he guesses? but. but. he also wants to know everything about finn. and if they just … didn't go back … he could do that forever …

no dameron. bad. don't think about it. not right now. ]

Before I was Resistance, I was a pilot for the New Republic. I've been all over the place. Not the entire galaxy, but … a nice-sized corner of it.

[meanwhile, re: peeping: there are a few people/aliens here, at different tables, but they all seem involved in either eating or having quiet conversations and not paying attention to these two weirdos and their small droid son. a waitress who looks bored and very much like "oh great look at these recently crying gays, just what i always wanted … not" comes over to unceremoniously drop menus on the table and ask if they want anything to drink. ]

Yeah, uh, caf. Black. [he glances over at finn, concerned because he… might not know what drinks are? shut up poe, that's stupid. of course he does. (does he?)]

[ it's a real wild ride, thinking of going full awol for Love. i feel bad bc it's like, rey has magic jedi powers and she could at least try to help with this whole bad vibe reconditioning situation. but damn if actually getting finn to the resistance willingly isn't the hardest hurdle to get over. getting him to do anything is a whole ordeal.

his forehead creases at the mention of the new republic. even carefully shoving aside all the immediate bad associations he was kinda raised to have with it, there's a weird kind of. moment. like thinking there's one more stair than there really is and having your foot whiff it really hard.

he wonders what it's like to just be out there seeing parts of the galaxy sometimes. ]

Caf's fine.

[ he looks back at poe kind of like ???? what, what is it now??? should he be worried about something????? should he be more than vaguely alarmed? he's also taking mental screenshots of every single weird (to him) look that poe gives him. there are so many mental screenshots in the gallery already. ]

You... okay?

[ tbf to poe though, he probably hasn't had anything to drink that wasn't like. water or gross vitamin shakes in space capri sun packs since he fell back into jerk fascist town. he literally can't remember how long it's been since the last time he had caf. why didn't they give him a calendar, it would have been nice. ]

[ maybe rey could help. maybe poe will arrive to that conclusion if he gets his head out of his ass. like ... ever. he's trying but it's a struggle. he is on his bullshit so hard and no one is here to yell at him and keep him in check. finn's panicked screaming doesn't count. he literally needs an adult.

also having a mental gallery of screenshots of poe's face is pretty gay regardless of why ur doing it, son. ]

What? Yeah, no, I'm okay. I was just thinking.

[which isn't ... untrue? he's been doing a lot of thinking on this adventure. more thinking than he usually likes to do — he prefers to do zero amounts of thinking. but every time he tries to turn his thoughts off, his brain keeps coming back with more wild shit. like "MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T GO BACK TO THE RESISTANCE" and "i wonder if finn's ever had caf before" and "everything kind of sucks right now and i'd maybe like to cry some more."

he's not going to say all of that to finn though so he settles on the easiest one to digest.]

About, uh, I was wondering if you ever even had caf before. I don't know what it's like ... back there, I guess.

[poe dameron: wants mundane bullshit conversations, discovers he sucks at mundane bullshit conversations. revolutionary.]

Edited 2018-01-20 07:00 (UTC)

[ excuse you, panicked screaming is great? okay nah that tracks.

and the gallery is... incredibly gay.

poe gives him an honest answer. don't ask him how he even knows. if he thinks about it, he'll convince himself that he doesn't know. maybe he doesn't know.

it's easy to forget other people weren't raised in a fascist soldier cult and might not know what all that entails. it's mundane shit for finn, just weird to be around someone who hasn't like, had the exact same life only with different test scores and maybe standing a foot to the left. ]

I mean, we have caf. Not all the time. I haven't lately. [ but it's happened. he scrunches his face a little tbh he's still kinda like what line of bullshit is this and how can i fail first order standards no matter how carefully i go about it. he then seizes on a minor impulse, as he's wont to do. ]

What, did you want to know?

Yeah.

[ how can he say what he wants to say without coming on way too strong and gay? just kidding he always comes on way too strong and gay, why wouldn't he go for it now? (because finn is probably still going to run away any minute now and he hasn't figured out what to say to ensure that he stays. that.) ]

I want to know everything about you. I didn't have a chance to before now, and I regret it. You can know whatever you want about me, too, if you want.

[ oh. he vaguely expected the "yeah," but the strong gay finisher surprises him. he's weirdly touched? is poe a sorcerer??

finn's face pulls some complicated bullshit again, to match the complicated bullshit his emotions start to pull on him. he sort of-- wants to apologize. like sorry you've been so kind and trying so hard this whole time, and i've been crawling out of my skin yelling at you because this isn't allowed to be a good situation. sorry it's probably gonna get you murdered right along with me?

sorry i'm not him, and even if we impossibly get out of this alive, it's a matter of time until you realize how not him i am and wash your hands of this mess, and i can't even blame you for it but that is somehow almost worse than anything else that might happen to me. even though i've only known you for like less than a day afaik. that would totally make sense to say.

finn didn't really realize how much of his brain he wanted to make stop until now. he's just kinda been taking his own brain soup crap at face value. it's not supposed to matter. wanting is never gonna be enough to make something stop hurting. god he'd love it if it would be enough just this once, though. ]

I'm not... [ he doesn't have the capacity to handle this, what does he even do with this moment in time, emotionally. holy shit. it's mildly alarming. ] There's not that much.

[ but he didn't shoot it down. curiosity trumps again 2k18. ]

[joke's on you poe will NEVER GIVE UP. he was born without the giving up gene. 20 years from now when finn is still an anxious disaster poe will be sitting right next to him like "okay but are you sure you still don't remember the time you were naked in a bacta bag and i ran across the hangar like it was life day morning?? no??? okay, maybe tomorrow."

add this screencap to your gallery: poe's brow furrows with concern. it's been coming in waves, the different levels of horrible that finn's life was. BECAUSE THEY LITERALLY NEVER TALKED ABOUT IT, so he didn't have to think. and now that he's confronted with it, he's like "...oh. oh. EXCUSE ME?" he knows it's not a dismissive "there's not much", that's a "finn literally doesn't think there's that much to him because he was raised to think he's less than a person."

UNACCEPTABLE. ]

I know that's not true.

[he reaches across the table to take one of finn's hands in both of his. just going for it. going full gay now, no turning back. take another screencap of his painfully earnest face.]

You still think you're just a number, I get that, but I know there's so much more than that. Even if you don't remember everything that happened before, the you that you are now? He's somebody, too. Everybody is important and special in some way. I really believe that. And you can't — don't ever let anyone make you feel like you aren't. Like you don't deserve that much. 'Cause I'll come kick their ass.

[nailed it. probably way too strong for "i just wanted to know if like you had any stormtrooper friends and what your favorite food is and if you have a birthday" but you know what? you know what? you're looking at the most extra person in the entire galaxy. sorry not sorry.]

[ ABORT MISSION. FINN DID NOT THINK THINGS COULD GET MORE EMOTIONALLY INTIMATE OR EARNEST. i mean he has really bad standards on this rn anyway but still. too many screencaps! too many genuine pilots taking his hand! and it's nice, and he almost doesn't admit it even to himself. who the hell authorized this? someone holding his hand shouldn't make him want to sit down and cry in another alley, who did this?

this is too much. this is not fair. aka 'his entire mind and also probably the way his expression softens out for a little bit, quietly but with a lot of feeling: what the fuck.'

he rockets up from 'mildly' on the alarmed scale, but it's like a weird internal cyclone of alarm. it's like it's not even really happening to him. he just kinda stares at their hands while he fills up with muted dread like sands through the hourglass. he misses something he doesn't know. he thinks he's pretty much defective no matter how hard anyone's been trying to fix him lately. he thinks poe is dumb and very beautiful.

anyway, he opens the floor for discussion by channeling his mix of warmth and instant illogical Fear into arguing. WHAT A SHOCK. WHO COULD BELIEVE. why do i rp this disaster.

a contained hiss argument, though, not a yell. who wants to yell in a nice joint like this one. he's got manners. ]

You can't just say that!

[ i mean it's not a surprise to poe as this point. he is flying full force into this brick wall knowing full well that it's a brick wall. but he's not going to stop trying. even if finn is going to fight him on this and never retain any of the nice things he says, he's still going to try. because someday it will sink in.

his tone is response is very level. calm. not hissing back. his hands don't move from finn's, either. ]

Yeah, I can, because it's true. I'll say it all again if you need me to.

[ high gay drama at its peak. they had a nice stretch of non-brick walls for a little while there. that's going in the scrapbook. ]

I really don't need that. [ and yet?? he also doesn't try to pull his hand back? ] What I need is to know why you won't just-- understand anything, I don't know how else I can--

[ he runs his free hand down his face and puts on his metaphorical thinking cap. ]

There is no getting out, Poe. Not for real. There's no staying out. Everything that you try to give me right now is just something you're gonna lose all over again.

[ how can he say it any more plainly? he sourced this article, the source is him. he's uhhhh totally not scared just talking about this, either, totally not a little bit glad to have a handhold going on. ]

Everything that they have to get rid of when I'm back, I'm gonna know I'm losing until it's gone. I don't even know what's gone from before, but I know I can't do it again. I can't. I need you to stop trying to give me things that won't fit where I need to fit when that happens.

[ that's what it all feels like, he thinks. like poe trying to give him weird verbal gifts. telling him he has a name and a place that wants him back and friends, and that he's a person, even if he's not the same person who had that name and that life and the place that wants him back anymore.

he doesn't want it.

he doesn't want it to go. ]

[ all good things come to an end and etc. poe was expecting the brick wall, all things considered. he just shakes his head, letting his beautiful hair shift around. ]

You don't get it. You're never going back. Even if I have to take down the entire First Order myself, I'm gonna make sure of that. [but he knows that's not going to be enough for finn, so he keeps going. he needs more than that, and poe can give him that. ] But, even if something happens and you do go back? I'd do it all over again. I'd go back and rescue you, and we'd be sitting here having this whole conversation all over again. You're worth that to me. You're something worth fighting for.

[ the waitress comes backs to give them their caf then just sort of looks at this folding out like ukw ... i'm gonna ... give them a minute. bye. but they have caf now so. that's something. poe isn't moving though. too caught up in his gayness. ]

[ finn feels like he's maybe trying to run into a brick wall, too. he's at the point where he literally can't think of a simpler way to put it. they're hitting an impasse based on different fundamental understandings of how the universe works.

what the hell is this, some sort of "unconditional" love and support and unwavering belief that he matters? that's fake as hell. finn's not any less scared, but he can't make himself get mad either. even though poe is clearly on the wrong end of this. he can't find another argument to raise.

he just kinda. he just kinda feels really sad. and like he would probably catch an actual grenade for this guy. QUIT TRYING TO MAKE FINN CRY IN A SPACE DENNYS? 2k18? ]

It's not like I want... [ okay no he still can't make himself say he doesn't want to go back. he knows he will somehow. he came out knowing, and if he says it out loud something bad will obviously happen, that's how it works. wanting doesn't matter for a dang.

he shakes that train of thought out of his head, and it leaves him with the dumb soft train of thought instead, which is arguably even worse for him. but like. at least he can actually make himself say it. ] I don't know what to do with that.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject