followhim | open post

[ what sucks is that's still 100% a better plan than finn had. in every aspect. mostly by existing at all.

he hangs there with his clothes bundle. trying not to touch the big-ass mess that comes with thinking "he wants to get another ship and just gun it to the resistance for real oh god". ]

You don't have to--

[ less salty. more... cautious. you don't have to give me shit, buddy. or something. is there a point where the good gestures stop???? fuck it, he's not finishing that sentence. he'd bet real life money that everything and every favor is absolutely conditional, so what will the catch be on this unwanted prison break long-term? or was the whole catch "just don't leave."

so hey check out the little beach ball custom paint job droid, which is arguably the most actually heartbreaking part of this thread THEIR INNOCENT DROID SON. if he weren't losing his shit, he'd probably feel worse for letting this robopal down. as it stands, that's a lot of beeping and he had no idea there was a droid in here holy shit. ]

I don't speak that.

[ but he does speak relative freedom. dark coruscant neighborhoods. a lot of people and a lot of narrow, twisty streets that could make it easy to lose someone. he's thinking about just going for it when he climbs out tbh. there's a second where he stands there and stares into the middle distance while all his options start unfolding around him and he's like, i really could still go for it, i didn't ask this guy for any of this, i don't owe some weirdo rebel anything no matter who he thinks i am-slash-was.

the only move he accomplishes once he's out in the open is sitting on the ground with his head in his hands, tbh. he's feeling productive. it's great when there's literally no option whatsoever that he can think of that isn't terrifying and probably going to end in disaster. he loves that. he loves how he just.... clenches fist..... emotionally catches fire and can't handle thinking about seemingly simple things. ]

[with a sigh, because how is he even going to explain this to bb-8??? HE DOESN'T KNOW. what a mess.]

That's BB-8. My droid. He said "Hi Finn, I missed you."

[he follows finn out of the ship — NEVER MORE THANKFUL TO BE ON THE GROUND IN HIS LIFE TBH — watches him ... stare into the middle distance and then sit on the ground to have a nervous breakdown, and decides, you know what? i'm gonna change. i'm gonna change right here. if he spends one more second in stormtrooper armor he will literally expire. bb-8 can watch finn. it's fine. it's pretty pg-13; it's not like he wasn't wearing underwear. and he sort of shuffles behind the tie fighter. but he sure did just go for it. pants, shirt, jacket, he's good to go.

and now he's going to sit down on the ground next to finn. ]

Do you know why I did it? Why I saved you?

[ i'm pretty sure "bb-8 can watch finn" takes up about half of tlj's screentime, so that tracks. and don't worry, poe, modesty is a man-made structure that finn just ain't bothered with on any day, regular or awful.

idk about whoever might be hanging out in this part of garbagetown but at least their 2-person 1-droid adventuring party could be worse. like objectively, from a human standpoint, Please Don't Do That, but that's outta my jurisdiction. ]

You said... you said I broke you out once. That you're returning the favor.

[ it was easier to get by thinking he'd screwed something up and gotten himself processed all in one fell swoop. no "finn"s. no poes. only him and his brain soup and his punishment. thinking about why hurts. he doesn't even know the reason it hurts. he wants to say he's sorry like fifty times but he doesn't know what for. it's like having a weird phantom limb, only not knowing there used to be a limb in the first place?

he doesn't think he used to be scared of thinking. ]

I know you shouldn't have.

[he chuckles under his breath, like, what was your first clue, surely it wasn't one singular person showing up just Trying His Best.]

Yeah, I shouldn't have. The Resistance is in a tight spot right now. The general was worried about sending too many people in to have them not come back for just one person. And yeah, I mean, that's the short of it, you saved me first, but ... [now he has to stop and think about it. now that he's not constantly in motion, he's forced to really consider what all this means. how much finn lost, how much he lost. and it hurts; it makes him feel cold and empty inside and it's just easier to direct his energy towards raging at the first order for doing what they did in the first place but

that kind of rage is exhausting. he's spent on it, and the cold settles in.]

But ... you're the most important person to me, Finn. You're the best, most amazing person I ever met. You're so good, even if you can't remember, I know ... I know you're still good.

[he wants to say more, but stops himself short. it hurts too much.]

[ he's starting to realize the scope of what this means. which is more to say he's finally getting his head wrapped around the thought that this weird history poe's been going on about isn't bullshit. or at the very least, poe believes it completely.

there are things threaded through fn-2187's memories that he's too afraid to try to touch. all he is is scared, and all he keeps coming back to is wanting the things that he knows he's allowed to have. he sat in a room waiting for a chance to get out for so long that he forgot why he was doing it. and then when it happened, he was too scared to leave on his own. maybe that was the point. maybe there was no point. maybe he should have spent all his time lying in bed staring at the wall.

he's not any kind of person anymore, if he ever was. let alone a good one.

his eyes are burning. ]

Did I have a life? [ look he had to ask before he either lost his nerve or let his throat close up. executive decision.

these boys might be on the road to a quick stress-crying session. shame is for people who aren't in star wars. ]

Did you — yeah, yeah. Of course. [what does that even mean? poe doesn't know how to extrapolate on that, but he knows without a doubt that the answer is yes. it was like, what, maybe a few days (not counting the time he was in a bacta bag) of trying to figure shit out and doing his best and it was messy as hell but it was still a life. it was finn's and how dare anyone try to take that from him.

he maneuvers over and hugs finn while they're sitting. it's purely for his own benefit, not finn's. maybe if he holds on hard enough he'll come back. or at least not run away. (and yes stress-crying is probably imminent let's be real.) ]

[ he is here to ask a lot of vague conceptual questions that make sense to him even if they don't make sense in general. the answer is appreciated. he nods and everything.

anyway this is the story of how poe made his confused, traumatized pre-boyfriend cry on their second date. why exactly??

the unfounded yet sure feeling that he's in trouble? the fact that they carved this out of his brain or made it so he can't touch it anymore? the shitstorm he was having a while ago about the fact that the first order is gonna get him back eventually, and the immediate traitorous thought that he doesn't want to go back again? the fact that he's really overdue for this because it's been a hard time but there's no crying in the first order holding cells? possibly just bc he's getting a hug and he's tired, so what the fuck.

reasons he doesn't even know???? yes, is the answer.

does he consider that it's way too easy to cry on this dude tho? hell no, they call this a gift horse. join in if ur up for it pal he will not care much. ]

[poe is grappling with the fact that you can make all the right moves, "win" in the traditional sense of the word ...

and still fail. he didn't save finn, because finn was gone. this was finn, but not the finn he knew. he pulled off one of the boldest, stupidest plans he'd ever half-thought up, but it was a hollow victory.

also, he's tired, too. he did too many things that definitely should have got him killed today and yet he's still alive and it's exhausting. so if finn is going to cry, he's going to cry too. rip.

meanwhile bb-8 is going to roll around them concernedly and take turns nudging them both like there there. if that's not fucking sad i don't even know what is.]

[ honestly this is gonna do way more for him than his panicking plan. like he will feel better after this instead of spiraling into the panic abyss. i mean there's only so calm he can generally be right now, sure, but when cryfest is over he'll mostly be there?

shoutout to this part of the plan. this is the best part of the plan.

SO I GUESS EVENTUALLY WHEN THEY HAVE THAT ABOUT NIPPED IN THE BUD, i wont put a time limit on em, he will sound less like he'd rather be waiting for an execution on a fancy space fascist ship than dealing with the prospect of living like this forever. an important step. now that he's not at critical capacity he can go back to repressing stuff the way he's SUPPOSED to. ]

Okay. [ okay??? ok. sure yeah sure okay. he scrubs a hand over his face. ] Okay. We can't-- stay here.

[ he's just admitting it to himself really. poe probably already had it figured out.

he guesses they're a team now?? they're in this together? one of the real staying points between finn and fn-2187 or wtf ever is the ride or die gene. ]

[sometimes you just gotta cry it out man. cryfest 2k18. poe is gonna try to act real cool like he did not just spend several minutes minimum silently crying on someone who doesn't remember him. he's cool. everything is cool. that's why he pulls away to wipe his face off with his sleeve. he just got some toxic fumes from the lower levels in his eyes. for several minutes. don't worry about it.]

Yeah, no. Wasn't planning on making my new home here. [he releases finn from the cryfest hug and unsteadily pushes himself to his feet.

a thought occurs to him, and he climbs back into the tie fighter to come out with two blasters -- one that is actually his, and the one he stole with his stormtrooper uniform. nothing says let's go on a date in the slums like making sure you're armed. after a beat, he offers the resistance-issue one to finn. definitely on purpose.]

Just in case. Anybody who's down here is probably down here to do things they don't want anybody else to know about, so they'll leave us alone, but... [but.]

[ oh okay sure don't trust him with the gun he's best at, wow. i'm joking. i mean, finn maybe gives him a Look, just on principle, because he really doesn't see the emotional distinction here. yet by that logic, it shouldn't much matter to him either way.

he's happier to have a blaster than he is ready to pvp over weapons distribution for their field trip. he's good at shooting! he doesn't need to remember shit about anything to be a good shot! finn's full of conflicting disaster emotions, but his overall mood can afford to lighten by five degrees if he has a functioning blaster, finally. ]

But.

[ EYEROLL. god he doesn't even need to ask for clarification. he knows exactly what that but means. poe rebelman-- and at some point he'll probably drop a dameron without realizing he never asked for a full name but rn he's really enjoying making up his own. poe rebelman. poe nutcase. unless poe is the last name and this guy is just really weird--

anyway this is the worst date of his unstrung, confusing, mostly painful recalled life, poe "the nutcase" elizabeth rebelman. ]

Don't worry. I already expected to get shot at again today.

[GOD LET HIM MAKE DRAMATIC MEANINGFUL DECISIONS ALL THE TIME WITHOUT GIVING HIM LOOKS. let him live. he's a dramatic ass person.

on that note, he gives finn a vaguely annoyed look like ok i guess i'll finish that sentence then. you didn't need him to but now he's going to on principle. ] But, if something goes wrong, it's better to be prepared. I don't think we're going to get shot at, I just want to be prepared.

[side note: it did not actually occur to him to give finn his last name. he already introduced himself once when they first met, why would he full name introduce himself again? side-side note: he's an idiot.]

Are you hungry? I'm hungry. The next part of my plan was food. [food will give him more time to chill. get his head on straight. avoid accepting responsibility for his actions, his least favorite thing.]

[ oh he sees how it is. poe's gonna be like that about it. poe is stubborn even when it's not a life or death time crunch.

that's fine.

won't do him any favors in an interrogation, but whatever. no thinking about the future allowed. the horrible future. we're bottling that motherflipper right up.

finn is absolutely thinking about the future, and he thinks they're probably gonna get shot at, prepared or not. but hey, no better security detail than mister hyper-paranoid fight-or-flight himself. ]

Sure. How many parts does this plan have, total?

[ is he privvy to that??? this guy's not his boss and he's really tapped out on being scared of this entire human being he's hanging out with, so like. fuck it, might as well test the waters. ]

Or is it just need-to-know for teammates who aren't flight risks?

[poe is literally one of the most stubborn people ya boy is ever going to meet.

he holsters his blaster, and tilts his head to the side while thinking about his plan. ~his brilliant plan.~ i mean, at least he sort of does have a plan. not an incredibly well-thought out one or anything, but. the outlines of a plan.]

Three, I guess? Let's call it three. We're gonna take a little break, because we need it, then we're gonna take a train up to the junkyard level.

[he considers alternative options after mr. toad's wild ride in space. he could hitch a ride from someone, like he did on jakku ... and go where? "yeah just drop me off on this planet don't worry about why, the resistance definitely isn't hiding out here."

maybe yavin 4. but he didn't have an x-wing stashed at home like he did coming back from jakku, either. his mom's a-wing was still over there ... and then what? finn was going to sit in his lap the whole way back? ... i mean, tempting, but it still seemed like a bad idea. too messy and complicated. too much that could go wrong in trusting other people right now. the first order did have a bounty on him, personally (only 500,000 credits too what kind of bullshit) ... did they care about finn that much, to have a bounty? probably not, but ... no, he wasn't going to put him in that kind of danger.

better to leave him in the special kind of danger that poe could manufacture all by himself!!!]

When we get to the junkyard level, I'm going to see if I can fix up a ship. ... Better than I did the TIE fighter. [30 aby - 34 aby rip. ] Just to get us back to base. That's three, right? [he wasn't really counting.] And don't — we're in this together, buddy. I'm not keeping anything from you.

Close enough to three. [ if he doesn't count getting back to base as a step. maybe in another life they could have had a sexy a-wing james bond adventure. a controlled spiral is still a spiral, poe... but at least it has the word control in it, so sure, this planning process is cool.

anyway, everyone is keeping at least one thing from him. he doesn't make the rules. even he is being kept from himself, apparently, through a lot of awful bullshit, because the first order is made up entirely of dillweeds who can't let people live. finn wisely chooses not to acknowledge this blatant untruth since poe might not be aware how untrue it is. poor fool.

he used to say that kind of stuff about slip. "you're one of us." "we're in this together."

nines and zeroes are as clear as ever in his mind, and it's really only the fact that he can recall them so clearly that makes him realize how much of slip he doesn't have anymore. he doesn't know why he had to lose that, but the half-there-ness of it makes him sadder than any tangled-up mess of things he doesn't know at all. ]

And what happens if we make it all the way back to your base? [ he's not playing games on this one, that shit ain't his base right now by any means. boy this is the true one fear, like, just going to hang at the resistance base, apparently, where all of the rebels are. god. terrible. maybe that's where they'll get shot at, not these scenic slums. ]

[ he'd been so busy thinking about what deep shit he's going to be in when he gets back to base (leia is gonna quadruple-demote him in front of jesus and everyone, he can just feel it), he didn't stop to think about ... what it would mean for finn. THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT FINN BESIDES HIM???? god dameron. you are a giant idiot. (and maybe blinded by love which makes it kind of okay but not really.) time 2 STOP THINKING ABOUT ONLY YOURSELF. ]

You had friends besides me, you know. There are some people who are going to be really happy to see you. Who really care about you. [man you know who else is about to be in the poe dameron murder gang? rey and rose. rip, it was nice to be alive.] You'll get a hero's welcome. I wouldn't worry too much about that.

[ HEY MAN HE'S ON THE SAME LEVEL. WHOMST THE FUCK ELSE.... COULD EVEN... THAT ALL SOUNDS FAKE. almost everything poe says sounds fake as hell and like it deserves some all-around bad associations. he's getting really concerned about that. bc that's totally not the reconditioning talking. obviously this is just going to be awful and bad. ]

That sounds like almost exactly what I'm worried about.

[ kneejerk emotions aside, he's also just kinda like. oh i had friends and people who care and might want to see me. looking forward to making them look all sad and desperate just like poe did. these people he doesn't even know anymore shouldn't bother him on any level but wow, they really do. he doesn't want to... get their hopes up. ]

You do know you're bringing back a stormtrooper, right?

You're not a stormtrooper! Not anymore. You were a stormtrooper who defected to help the Resistance. You're a rebel. [he's like oh man i gotta fire up an inspirational speech but this is all i've got right now. i'm so tired. help.] You were so — nobody's ever done that before. Look, just ... c'mon, we can walk and talk. [let's please leave the tie fighter behind forever. and take a walk to a shitty diner probably. still on his romance a-game. ]

[ finn, being himself, will concede to start walking and leave that dumb tie fighter behind forever. but he's absolutely not gonna let this drop, which is his own personal romance a-game.

this is exactly what he means. this is exactly the entire problem. in a semi-urgent 'walking around in public ish' whisper, mostly pitched as a general "eventually poe will realize this comes down to hard Facts" warning: ]

I'm not a defector anymore. I'm not a rebel. I'm a stormtrooper. Anything about me that wasn't right, they fixed.

[ well. """right""" and """fixed""", which is at least present in his tone. ]

That's what's left. And it's way too much of a liability to drop in the middle of a rebellion without thinking first.

[ please don't let him tool around the resistance where he might fuck something up in a major way, because he genuinely doesn't think he wants to do that but he has no idea if he will have to regardless of what he wants, is what he thinks he's saying. even though that thought process is literally?? as non stormtrooper as it gets?? forest for the trees mcgee over here. he just wants 2 be upfront. tiredness only fuels him. ]

But you came with me!

[ yeah, because he THREATENED HIM INTO COMING. he is reluctantly cognizant of that fact. but he didn't actually have to stun him to get him to come? finn was just ... scared. which is understandable, considering. considering his entire life.

this is the first time poe takes into consideration that maybe ... maybe ... if he wants to have finn, he can't have finn and the resistance. he conveniently missed all the other parts of the movies where finn proved he was just one giant flight risk waiting to happen. but how could he make that choice?

his parents did. they retired before the war was over, straight "peace out fam, we're tired." but this was a different war. different numbers. significantly lower numbers. the resistance needed him. and, if pushed, finn would most definitely say that he did not need him as some kind protector.

and then skitter off to cry in an alleyway. look at him. yikes. okay. no. this is not the time to be thinking about that. no thinking about the future. why did finn get him thinking about the future?

(and maybe he'd already made the choice to some degree -- look at this bullshit, he straight went awol.) ]

Even if ... there's nowhere safer than the Resistance. Where else are you going to go instead? The Resistance wants to help you, regardless of whether or not you actually accept that.

[ or at least he, rose, and rey would want to help him which is about half of the resistance so you know. pretty good odds??? ]

[ his long term flight risk stat went down pretty far between tfa and tlj but boy howdy it was still there. and the first order doesn't believe in positive character development, only in fucking up perfectly good rebels. possibly just to prove a point and then murder them.its back to step one and then maybe negative a couple more steps from there.

finn has the good heart of a rebel and enough confused trauma to feed an army. he also sounds moderately offended. ]

You walked into my cell and said I was coming with you one way or the other. I said I didn't need help: you wouldn't listen! You wouldnt stop-- looking at me like that! Or calling me that! [ AND MAYBE IT MADE HIM SAD AND MAYBE HE STILL IS AND MAYBE!! he just actually has no idea why he gives a heck. ] So I picked the option where I'd die knowing what was happening. Excuse me if I'm a little short on plans now that that's fallen through!

[ GOD WHATEVER ]

Finn? I've always called you that.

[but finn doesn't remember that. it's a very, very delayed realization from poe who was processing too much other shit at the time. maybe some willful not thinking about it because if he'd just called him finn enough, finn would remember it and everything would be fine.

he tries to keep calm, keep his voice level because even though the street isn't exactly crawling with people, there are still people vaguely around and he doesn't want to draw any attention to them. thanks for helping with that finn. good job fam.]

You've never been just a number to me. You've always been a person. You've always been Finn. And you're not dying. Neither of us are. Everything's going to work out.

[welcome to his personal motto, "everything's going to work out." it just is. don't worry about it. it hasn't been wrong so far in his 32 years of living?]

[ he points right at poe's dumb handsome face, as if to say THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I FUCKING MEAN THAT IS THE STUPID LOOK YOU HAVE AND YOURE DOING THIS ON PURPOSE. NO CHILL NO CHILL

he almost, for the sake of argument, says "yes, finn," but he can't make it actually leave his mouth. his brain refuses to allow it, so it sits in his chest like a sharp rock instead. there are so many things he can't just say out loud with his mouth. the minute he tries to own any of this-- a name, this history, this whole personhood thing, it's over. he doesn't need a logical reason to know shit! he was pressing the line by vaguely asking if he had a life. it can't be something that's his. he can't say it's something that was taken, because he was never supposed to have it anyway.

more importantly, poe is dumb. he's dumb and he's so earnest and his face is sometimes like getting punched in the face, and he's good and he's human and he kidnapped a fucking stormtrooper for sentimental reasons. and finn can't look poe in the face without feeling like maybe he should just trust him. he can't afford that. it's not fair. so guess what, he doesn't have to feel anything if he doesn't see how sincere you are! that's how it works.

in this world we shake our heads like stubborn babies instead of explaining any of our problems or figuring out how to articulate our problems. fuck you and your "youre a person and youre good and people care about you and we're gonna be fine," poe.

this can end two ways for him, and those are both with the first order. they will get him back. and when they do, death is the least terrifying option. ]

[OMG WHY ARE YOU POINTING AT HIM. he didn't understand what finn meant by "looking at him like that", since he thought he was just looking at him like a person with eyes. or maybe he was looking too sad, which the thought of made him feel even more sad, so. good job there.

but he gets the feeling that finn has decided to just shut down on him instead of acknowledging anything he just said, and, well ... when you get so much of that over and over, it's hard. he's not giving up, he'd never give up, but he needs to take a few seconds to recharge from throwing himself at a brick wall so many times. it's a lot.

he's quiet for the rest of the walk — he's never been on this level before, don't look at him, he's not a professional, but he has a vague idea of how these things are laid out and everyone's gotta eat so sooner or later they will find a place with food. the odds are very high.

oh look it's a shitty diner, he was right because the force is always lookin' out for him.

he imagined doing something like this with finn, maybe after the war ... going on adventures and doing wild bullshit like this. but, you know, going restaurants in a nice neighborhood on a nice planet (or the nice parts of coruscant; let's be fair to coruscant). laughing because he didn't know what some weird sandwich was or something. nice things. but that's just a dream on his boulevard of broken dreams now. rip.

anyway he abruptly turns when he sees said diner and holds the door open for finn (and bb-8 who is still there i swear). that's what's up.]

[ he means QUIT LOOKING AT HIM WITH THOSE BIG OLE EYES. sorry, pal :( his stubbornness has remained fully intact. he won't make an excuse, he's pretty well aware he's being a jerk.

which hasn't been working to make poe understand some of these basic fundamental truths of life at all, no matter which angle he tries, he's realizing, so it's counter-intuitive. it doesn't even really help him feel like he's got control of anything, considering he literally just sat down and cried all over a dude and his droid because of all of his One Fears. why does he keep doing it?? we just don't know.

finn doesn't have a single solitary shit together.

so tbh it's kind of a relief to have the talking stop for a little while. it's good to not have to think about it. he can take time to stress out in silence the way he was raised.

but like... on the other hand....... he's never been to a diner before. 👀 👀 👀

finn decides immediately that this shitty diner is worth the curious look-around he drops his severe scowl to dole out. it's here, being a shitty diner! he doesn't trust a single person in this building, but look at it go! as a walking disaster with no standards, he likes it. so curiosity trumps being a hot mess for a glorious few seconds. poe doesn't even get a suspicious glare for daring to hold a door like a decent person.

just try to tell him this isn't neat, he'll find the nearest dumpster and pvp you behind it. CANTO BIGHT WHO I DONT KNOW HER.

he's also kinda blocking the foot traffic flow tho. ]

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