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[poe's truly come so far. and yet, in other ways ... not at all. look at all this fuckery right here alone. he's a work in progress.

SPACE BATTLE. it happens. it's great. they have the time of their lives. i can't believe this is literally 50 first dates and poe is recreating their first date for finn right now in hopes that he'd remember. he meant to do that. it was all part of his plan. (jk this was definitely not part of his plan but since this is the way things are going, maybe he was sort of hoping it'd jar something anyway. repressed memories, not the adrenaline of barely getting out alive, which it definitely jarred. )

but now they're in hyperspace, he can breathe a little. they made it out. he knows hyperspace. he can deal with hyperspace. keeping this piece of shit in motion long enough to land on a planet is something within the realm of his capabilities.]

See? We did it! I told you it was gonna be fine.

[ meanwhile, on this side, who gets 5 seconds to start thinking again and immediately feels the threads holding the lids on multiple freakouts fray away into nothingness? it's this guy. his process is swift and merciless.

1. space is way, way too big.
2. x-wings are way, way too small.
3. they were supposed to like, die. what does he do with this lack of dying? arguably that should be good, but. well. it's not super good when the pièce de résistance goes like:

4. oh god he just fucking left, he's just in a dinged-up ship with some rebel going who knows where and he's gone, and this is the nightmare scenario, even beyond the most basic "buddy that's desertion" standards. on some level, somehow, somewhere, he is firmly aware that this is actively the worst possible thing he could have done, ever. it's bad, it's really, really bad. he should have just let himself think about it while he was still on the ship instead of listening to some dude with nice hair.

(is he happy about this on some deep forbidden level? deeply, intensely relieved? bc he thinks he might be, but realizing that makes it even worse.) ]

Oh, no. [ what the fuck did he just do, he can't take this back and apologize?? this doodle can't be undone??? ] Oh no no nonononono, this is-- we can't--

[ HERE'S A GREAT PARTY TRICK: SIT IN YOUR GUNNER'S SEAT AND IMMEDIATELY START HYPERVENTILATING WHEN WHAT YOU'VE DONE SINKS IN. and maybe crying a little. at a certain point it all really meshes together into one big can of Instant Regrets. ]

[oh no. he wants to comfort finn but his number one priority is keeping this tie fighter (which is also very small so like still accurate) alive long enough to land it. and hope that it's not another crash landing that blows both of them miles away from each other because he'd really like to not re-enact that particular part of their first date.]

Finn. Finn. I need you to stay with me, okay? C'mon, buddy. Breathe. [please don't have a panic attack in the gunner's seat. that seems like a horrible accident waiting to happen.] Take a deep breath, count to four, exhale, count to four. Can you do that?

[ he doesn't have a name. he doesn't want to keep hearing it. it feels like it almost could be his, but it's not allowed to be, and the latter scares him enough to keep it in check. this entire situation is a Problem.

his breathing improves uhh moderately? i mean he's trying to put in the effort on it, he's sort of on board with not losing his shit in here, but half the time his body's just like "fuck you and your oxygen". work in progress. he will probably get there. ]

I'm not-- I have to go back, I can't--

[ you will always be brought back to where you belong.

he knows that. he just lined himself up for reconditioning again without wondering why he was doing it. if the first order doesn't go ahead and write him off to be shot on sight, he's gonna have to do it all over again. he's not gonna be anything by the time they're done with him.

it doesn't matter where he goes. it doesn't matter who he's with. it doesn't matter what he wants. it doesn't matter. he'll always end up in the same place. ]

I'm gonna have to go back.

[ and look maybe his voice breaks a little tiny bit because some part of him keeps saying "i don't want to" anyway, but SHUT YOUR FUCK, POE LASTNAME. SHUT ALL OF THEM. ]

[well poe refuses to call him fn-1234 or whatever it is (he did not retain that information at all) and he's just so clearly finn. maybe if he keeps saying his name over and over, finn will become okay with it. because that's how that works.]

No one's taking you back. You're never going back.

[you may say, "yeah poe i'm sure you would've said that before and he still went back," but guess what? poe has been pushed to The Edge and there's not going to be a "back" for finn to be taken to because he is going to singlehandedly murder the entire first order all by himself. how? that part's still a work in progress. but it's going to happen. believe it. you kind of have to believe it because he sounds SO INTENSE when he says it. he's nothing if he's not being a literal human 100 emoji.

but that aside, he has to figure out ... where to go. where's close? he doesn't want to show up to the resistance's newest base in this tie fighter for a multitude of reasons:

a) they might shoot at him because why is he in a tie fighter??
b) if this is some whack ass social experiment from kyle ron and they have him tracked, he doesn't want to take this ship back to home base
c) leia is definitely 100% going to be absolutely furious with him and yell at him and slap him and demote him from captain, skip over lieutenant, flight officer, flight cadet and end on guy who just sort of hangs around here being sad in leia's doghouse. (a valid military ranking)

yeah let's be real it's mostly c. c is why they're going to go on an off-road adventure. because he's scared of his mom.

what's nearby? well... there's coruscant. okay, they can go to coruscant. that's the plan. he's got this. maybe he'll let finn know.]

We're going to Coruscant.

Edited 2018-01-16 03:16 (UTC)

[ shit. u rite.

he's starting to think poe might be an idiot. a good pilot. a big idiot. still riding the "didn't get blown up by a big ship" high or something.

it's sort of amazing how much of an intense heck poe even gives about this issue. and it's... nice to hear someone say that like they totally believe it? poe seems like what decent people must be like, and finn, bc i'm tired of typing fn-2187 all the time, thinks he's gonna be genuinely sad when poe's determination to drag him to freedom or whatever gets the guy killed.

poe just doesn't understand how this works. some things you only learn the hard way.

he provides moral support for his new road trip bro's planning process, which is more to say he shoves his face into his hands and tries to contain his current disaster through sheer willpower. not going great. still basically waiting to sit in a closet and cry. but getting better.

if he sticks "you're never going back" on loop in his mind and tries really hard to breathe like a normal human, he can almost pretend he's calm. give him a minute. ]

Sure. [ he says hopelessly, into his hands, like a grownup. ] Of course we are.

[ why not. why expect there to be a reason. they're gonna go to coruscant, this is the day he's having now. ]

[since finn seems to be taking this information about as well as he's taken any other information poe's tried to give him — as in, barely taking it at all — he tries to give him additional information. like that will take away some of his anxiety.]

This ship's on its last legs, and I don't wanna be flying First Order garbage anymore anyway. [not an assessment of tie fighters in general so much as a fact that he literally dug this ship out of the garbage in some junkyard.] We can find something else to go back to the Resistance in. [and where are we going to find it? you guessed it. also in the garbage. this is his life now. digging through garbage. rey would be so proud.] The whole planet's a giant city. If someone's trying to find us, they're gonna have a hell of a time doing it.

I know you know someone's already trying to find us, Poe. Hold off on the "if".

[ see he can acknowledge you as a person with a name and not just as an irritating rando. he's not sure he'll do it again, it was a really weird experience, he. he thinks? also cool they can die on coruscant. they can die in a giant city or get arrested and dragged back to where they came from, from a giant city.

of all places, objectively, their higher odds of biting it were definitely on the first order ship. they stand a way better chance anywhere else. but statistics don't have to mean a damn thing.

he wonders what it would be like to be a person who got broken out of a first order holding cell and just felt happy to be away. probably have to not get raised by them for those kinds of perks. ]

What am I supposed to do for the Resistance, exactly?

[ finn sounds like he hates that he's even asking this. he wants to say fancy prisoner. if he really had anything to do with them before-- before. he doesn't see how it can apply anymore. or if he wants it to apply. or if he wants to have to handle any of this at all. maybe poe can relate that last one, though, he just has a feeling that he can. ]

I'll have you know that I don't know that.

[like that's going to be reassuring??? wow poe, thanks. also, maybe it just slightly warms his heart that finally FINN CALLED HIM BY HIS NAME HE'S COMING BACK AROUND HE'S GOING TO REMEMBER EVERYTHING AND THEY'RE GOING TO BE BROS AGAIN. that's definitely what's happening here.]

I — you did all sorts of stuff, Finn. You had First Order intelligence that there's no way we could've had otherwise. You fought for us, and you were so brave — maybe a little too brave, but I get like that sometimes, too. I get it.

[yeah you are (were?) both psychopaths that can't stop. it's not a good thing son smh.]

Well, I know: they're looking for us and they're gonna find us.

[ sounds! fake!!! sounds like a great way to make him feel really sad and confused about things he doesn't get. bantha shit. tho he absolutely believes poe is nuts, all rescues considered.

god did he even actually get out of reconditioning? is he still there? and this is an elaborate simulation designed to teach him a lesson, only he doesn't know what the lesson is. fuck. his brain is fucked. ]

And here's some extra intel: if I actually did any of that, they should've executed me already.

[ make a better less pavlovian-terror inducing backstory dude. ]

[ he wants to do more, say more, but his attention is divided right now and his pilot skills take a slightly higher priority. when they land, he can sort out everything that happened. everything he needs to do. he can take better care of finn.]

Maybe they should've, but they didn't. It's gotta be for a reason. [yeah like making finn a sleeper assassin. don't think about that poe that's stupid. look at him, they fucked up a perfectly good person. it's got anxiety. AND THE GALAXY IS A GOOD PLACE.]

The Force is on our side for this one, buddy. They didn't execute you, and we both made it out. I think everything's gonna feel better when we land. [because finn will be able to have a panic attack in open space instead of a claustrophobic death trap.]

And even if they're tracking us, one, we're in hyperspace, [he really hopes finn doesn't remember the whole thing where the first order is TOTALLY CAPABLE OF TRACKING SHIPS GOING AT LIGHTSPEED NOW what the fuck, but he finds it highly improbable they'd waste that cutting edge technology on him. a ship carrying the entire resistance? sure. a singular rebel with a deathwish and a stormtrooper he kidnapped? less likely.] and two, we're ditching this ship first thing. Good riddance.

[ if he's a sleeper assassin the first order is gonna be real disappointed when he like. goes all ella enchanted bc leia asked if he wanted some water one time, and immediately finns the fuck out. morally.

also, getting to have his panic attack in open space will be a dream slash nightmare come true. please. its either that or pretend he can stave it off indefinitely, only to fail horribly. ]

I can't tell if you're pretending you thought this out because it's supposed to make me feel better or if you just think you really did think everything out. [ either way, power move.

you're never going back, you're never going back, you're never going back, you should be commandeering this ship and going back, you should want to go back 100%, you are quite possibly the least functional stormtrooper in history. ]

[should he tell finn that he usually does things on the fly and just sort of hopes for the best? considering his current mental state ... maybe not. maybe he should absolutely not say that.] I'm good at considering the options.

[that's ... well, it's not a lie.]

Hold on, this is gonna be rough.

[he is an expert pilot but man he can only do so much. imagine driving on a busy as fuck interstate and having a tire blow out on you and just silently praying you don't die. that's what poe is going through as they descend into coruscant like look at all these other fuckin ships please let this stop-and-go engine hang on to life for like five more minutes please.

he steers them into one of the underworld portals and starts heading down for the lower levels. sorry finn, hope you didn't want a romantic date in a nice neighborhood where you could see the sky or anything. we're going all the way down into like the fucking single digit levels. he doesn't park the ship in a landing area so much as he approaches one and the ship shudders its way to the ground and gives up on living. rip.

poe is going to take a moment to be exhilarated that they actually survived this shitshow.]

We made it! We really made it. [WE REALLY MADE IT???] Oh man. Oh, man. [oh man ... what the fuck is gonna happen now.]

[ NONE OF THAT PROCEEDED LIKE IT WAS PLANNED BY A MAN WHO IS IN CONTROL OF ANYTHING. but i mean, that's easy to relate to right now. this is awful but for another shining moment of hanging-in-there cooperation, it's a shared awfulness. lots of living on a prayer. being a leaf on the wind means being subject to every fuckin whim the wind has on the way down. who knew?

this is probably the scenery anxiety mcgee thinks they deserve rn tbqh.

finn's really quiet for like two seconds. then, softly but with a lot of conflicting feelings and sounding more like a question than an affirmation, he echoes: ]

We made it.

[ ... run

finn tries to vault right the fuck out of this death trap and entire situation immediately. he doesn't say another word, he doesn't ask any questions, he's just like Y E E T LATER POE FUCK YOU. it's really ineffective bc he forgets he has to undo his seatbelt???

BUT LOOK, HE'S OUT OF HERE AND NOTHING'S GONNA STOP HIM EXCEPT FOR THAT, HIS OWN PERSONAL LACK OF FORESIGHT, because in reality it's been one impulsive pot calling the impulsive kettle black all along. he was promised a panic attack in open space on this romantic date and he plans to absolutely see it through as soon as his hands cooperate.

on the one bright side, this is way overdue and finally letting himself implode like the disaster he is will presumably keep him from uhhh... blindly bolting off into this dank-ass neighborhood, so. eh. you win some, you lose some. ]

Edited (i wanted to link a vine i dont think thats a crime) 2018-01-16 23:21 (UTC)

[ first of all: a+ vine usage i approve.

second of all: okay you know what, based on their entire friendship being because finn was like I WOULD LIKE TO RUN AWAY NOW, he should've seen this coming. this is his own fault. he takes responsibility (for once). and turns around in his seat (after successfully unbuckling his seat belt) like EXCUSE ME??? ]

Hey! Hey! Calm down. What are you doing?

[he knows, he just wants to hear him say it. kylo ren isn't the only one who can pull that shit.]

[ HE WILL BE CALM WHEN HE'S DEAD ]

What does it look like I'm doing?! [ where are the dumb clicky latch things??? AHA. ] I'm getting out of here! I'm not staying in this ship with you! I'm not staying anywhere, I'm--

[ he's??? he has no idea. the space between in a tie fighter with a lunatic and inevitably getting what he has coming to him for desertion is way too big a space to fill right now. there is absolutely not enough breathing room in here to let his thoughts catch him again yet. OPEN THIS SHIP STOP HAVING IT BE CLOSED. ]

Finn! Come on. Think this through. [HILARIOUS coming from the dude who has never thought anything 100% through in his entire life; he might occasionally get to like 75% through and say "yeah, that's good." anyway, hypocrisy doesn't matter right now so don't think about it.] Where are you gonna go? What are you gonna do?

[and then he sort of cracks. all the energy he's put into being the calm, together person who had about 60% of a plan and was hellbent on executing it is running out.]

You can't leave. [it's desperate, pleading.] Just — just don't leave.

Where are you gonna go? Huh? [ RAZZED HIM, FINN. REALLY GOT HIM GOOD.

ps. that is so unfair. he doesn't know how to argue against that. it shouldn't even matter if this insane half-rescuer, half-kidnapper sounds sad and desperate and like it matters to him if the stormtrooper he half-rescued, half-kidnapped stays with him. it shouldn't matter to a stormtrooper if the first order finds this dude with him when they inevitably find him. he shouldn't be giving even barely-there thought to it.

it shouldn't be upsetting to hear poe upset, and hearing poe that upset shouldn't kill the majority of his plan to book it the minute he hits the ground. what the fuck is this. he shouldn't have left, he can't do this.

(he shouldn't have left, because he knows what he's in for. he shouldn't have left because they're going to take him back and scramble his brain so thoroughly that he won't be able to think long enough to realize they've done it, and they'll drag him out as an example, as a warning, or they'll just recondition him again to prove a point and then they'll stick him in an airlock because something is so wrong with him that not even reconditioning can help.)

cannot say that finn calms down, at all. but he may sound less like he's getting ready to pvp the nearest pilot for the faint chance of running the fuck away from him. and he has no idea how to say any of this in a way that he thinks can make this dude understand. how does one negotiate with kidnappers, stormtroopers don't get kidnapped. except when... they're children, i guess, but the first order is dumb. ]

I need to get out.

[he purses his lips and releases the locks on the fighter so they can both get out. he's still kind of expecting finn to bolt at this point, which ... he can chase him down, he guesses. or stun him.

or just let him go.

he picks up a bundle of clothes that'd he'd shoved on the limited floorspace on his side and tosses it in finn's lap.]

I brought a change of clothes for both of us. What I'm going to do? First I'm gonna change. Maybe get something to eat. Then I'm gonna go to the junkyard level and try to put us together a working ship.

[like he's gonna be walking around coruscant in stormtrooper armor. and he didn't know how finn was gonna be dressed either so he packed two outfits. or you know just sort of threw them on the floor. that's the same thing as packing. he was thoughtful, though.

bb-8 — who has totally been here the whole time but in some storage compartment because fixing the astromech link was not within poe's capabilities for starship project runway due to a lack of time and parts — rolls out and beeps like HI FINN I MISSED YOU like the corgi disguised as a beach ball he is.]

[ what sucks is that's still 100% a better plan than finn had. in every aspect. mostly by existing at all.

he hangs there with his clothes bundle. trying not to touch the big-ass mess that comes with thinking "he wants to get another ship and just gun it to the resistance for real oh god". ]

You don't have to--

[ less salty. more... cautious. you don't have to give me shit, buddy. or something. is there a point where the good gestures stop???? fuck it, he's not finishing that sentence. he'd bet real life money that everything and every favor is absolutely conditional, so what will the catch be on this unwanted prison break long-term? or was the whole catch "just don't leave."

so hey check out the little beach ball custom paint job droid, which is arguably the most actually heartbreaking part of this thread THEIR INNOCENT DROID SON. if he weren't losing his shit, he'd probably feel worse for letting this robopal down. as it stands, that's a lot of beeping and he had no idea there was a droid in here holy shit. ]

I don't speak that.

[ but he does speak relative freedom. dark coruscant neighborhoods. a lot of people and a lot of narrow, twisty streets that could make it easy to lose someone. he's thinking about just going for it when he climbs out tbh. there's a second where he stands there and stares into the middle distance while all his options start unfolding around him and he's like, i really could still go for it, i didn't ask this guy for any of this, i don't owe some weirdo rebel anything no matter who he thinks i am-slash-was.

the only move he accomplishes once he's out in the open is sitting on the ground with his head in his hands, tbh. he's feeling productive. it's great when there's literally no option whatsoever that he can think of that isn't terrifying and probably going to end in disaster. he loves that. he loves how he just.... clenches fist..... emotionally catches fire and can't handle thinking about seemingly simple things. ]

[with a sigh, because how is he even going to explain this to bb-8??? HE DOESN'T KNOW. what a mess.]

That's BB-8. My droid. He said "Hi Finn, I missed you."

[he follows finn out of the ship — NEVER MORE THANKFUL TO BE ON THE GROUND IN HIS LIFE TBH — watches him ... stare into the middle distance and then sit on the ground to have a nervous breakdown, and decides, you know what? i'm gonna change. i'm gonna change right here. if he spends one more second in stormtrooper armor he will literally expire. bb-8 can watch finn. it's fine. it's pretty pg-13; it's not like he wasn't wearing underwear. and he sort of shuffles behind the tie fighter. but he sure did just go for it. pants, shirt, jacket, he's good to go.

and now he's going to sit down on the ground next to finn. ]

Do you know why I did it? Why I saved you?

[ i'm pretty sure "bb-8 can watch finn" takes up about half of tlj's screentime, so that tracks. and don't worry, poe, modesty is a man-made structure that finn just ain't bothered with on any day, regular or awful.

idk about whoever might be hanging out in this part of garbagetown but at least their 2-person 1-droid adventuring party could be worse. like objectively, from a human standpoint, Please Don't Do That, but that's outta my jurisdiction. ]

You said... you said I broke you out once. That you're returning the favor.

[ it was easier to get by thinking he'd screwed something up and gotten himself processed all in one fell swoop. no "finn"s. no poes. only him and his brain soup and his punishment. thinking about why hurts. he doesn't even know the reason it hurts. he wants to say he's sorry like fifty times but he doesn't know what for. it's like having a weird phantom limb, only not knowing there used to be a limb in the first place?

he doesn't think he used to be scared of thinking. ]

I know you shouldn't have.

[he chuckles under his breath, like, what was your first clue, surely it wasn't one singular person showing up just Trying His Best.]

Yeah, I shouldn't have. The Resistance is in a tight spot right now. The general was worried about sending too many people in to have them not come back for just one person. And yeah, I mean, that's the short of it, you saved me first, but ... [now he has to stop and think about it. now that he's not constantly in motion, he's forced to really consider what all this means. how much finn lost, how much he lost. and it hurts; it makes him feel cold and empty inside and it's just easier to direct his energy towards raging at the first order for doing what they did in the first place but

that kind of rage is exhausting. he's spent on it, and the cold settles in.]

But ... you're the most important person to me, Finn. You're the best, most amazing person I ever met. You're so good, even if you can't remember, I know ... I know you're still good.

[he wants to say more, but stops himself short. it hurts too much.]

[ he's starting to realize the scope of what this means. which is more to say he's finally getting his head wrapped around the thought that this weird history poe's been going on about isn't bullshit. or at the very least, poe believes it completely.

there are things threaded through fn-2187's memories that he's too afraid to try to touch. all he is is scared, and all he keeps coming back to is wanting the things that he knows he's allowed to have. he sat in a room waiting for a chance to get out for so long that he forgot why he was doing it. and then when it happened, he was too scared to leave on his own. maybe that was the point. maybe there was no point. maybe he should have spent all his time lying in bed staring at the wall.

he's not any kind of person anymore, if he ever was. let alone a good one.

his eyes are burning. ]

Did I have a life? [ look he had to ask before he either lost his nerve or let his throat close up. executive decision.

these boys might be on the road to a quick stress-crying session. shame is for people who aren't in star wars. ]

Did you — yeah, yeah. Of course. [what does that even mean? poe doesn't know how to extrapolate on that, but he knows without a doubt that the answer is yes. it was like, what, maybe a few days (not counting the time he was in a bacta bag) of trying to figure shit out and doing his best and it was messy as hell but it was still a life. it was finn's and how dare anyone try to take that from him.

he maneuvers over and hugs finn while they're sitting. it's purely for his own benefit, not finn's. maybe if he holds on hard enough he'll come back. or at least not run away. (and yes stress-crying is probably imminent let's be real.) ]

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i was wrong when i keyworded this icon. i played myself

oh no whoops

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