followhim | open post

[ well there goes that name again. he looks at poe like he's been personally and deeply offended, or he tries to. he maybe just looks scared, in reality. like he regrets that he's already as far back as he can get.

if he answers to that name, something will happen. if he thinks about what he might have done to get assigned to reconditioning, if he lets himself think that this person's story could hold water, admits that he feels like he trusts it, if he puts a toe out of line-- the first order knows about everything. eventually. he knows that and he doesn't question it. it won't be good.

"you want to stay here?"

his first thought is no, clear and simple and traitorous. he wants to be anywhere but this room. but it's not about wanting. and it's not fair for someone to do this, to walk in here and talk like that, like they're both real people with choices.

what he wants is to be where he belongs, doing what he's supposed to be doing. and he's with the first order, but he still thinks it in spite of himself sometimes, half-asleep and feeling like crying. he's here and it's not the same as it was, and it hurts when it shouldn't. he's here and there's something wrong with him and he brought it on himself. ]

I'm here because I'm supposed to be. [ hell yeah you sound real convinced. he can't do reconditioning again. he can't. he can't just go, can't just want to go. his face does something complicated. before he can think better of it, he says: ]

Look, I don't wanna hurt you. Okay? If you get out fast enough and walk like you have a job, no one will stop you. I'll say you went the other way. But whoever you think I am--

[ he's not.

>i cant get in trouble again this is a shitty trap
>immediately offer rando intruder help not getting caught and arrested
>??? this still hurts and also he hates himself??? he can't win wtf ]

[why is he literally the only person in the galaxy who wants to save finn? (maybe he should've asked rose or rey but he was too busy being on his bullshit.) not even finn wants to save finn. but he can't give up. he can't walk out of here empty-handed. what would the point be? no. he wouldn't give up. even if it seemed hopeless. he didn't quit that easy.

he had to at least try.

poe puts his hand against finn's face, trying to both be comforting and keep him from looking away.]

I know who you are. You're Finn. You're the best person I know. And, whatever they did to you, I — I know you've gotta be scared, but I won't let anything happen to you, okay? I promise. I'm gonna get us out of here. Can you trust me?

[ rey and rose planning their own badass rescue: where tf is poe we need him on this. anyway this absolutely has to be cheating somehow. with the touching, and the eye contact, and the entire-- the dumb gentle promising. this is unfair, and it leaves fn-2187 feeling a lot of things that he doesn't want to unpack.

he's not supposed to be this scared. ]

The fact that I can is the whole problem.

[ HE CAN'T EVEN MURDER INTRUDERS RIGHT, IT'S NO WONDER HE'S IN HERE. he should've taken this guy's blaster and just dealt with him by now.

they are literally going to die if he agrees to this. if he tries to leave, he'll die. he doesn't have a singular doubt about that.

but if phasma wanted him put to use, he'd be back in training. if he can't be trusted to go back into the field, they'll drag him in front of a crowd of troopers and shove him back in here again like a mascot as desired, or they'll skip the trouble and get rid of him one of these days. stormtroopers are disposable. he knows that, he's always been disposable.

... god he's gonna end up doing this, isn't he. he has no idea where they're trying to go or where poe came from or how it's even remotely supposed to succeed. he's sitting on a big fat ball of interwoven terror and what might be hope (sounds fake but ok).

but he's never thought about getting to choose how he dies before. and he's oddly okay with that prospect right now? there aren't a lot of options, and they all end basically the same way. but they are still options. that's like. okay. he wants-- he doesn't know. he wants something.

he runs a shaking hand over his face and feels about as much like there's something wrong with him as he ever has before. his tone bears the shadow of a familiar argument-going-downhill-towards-surrender quality. ]

Shit.

[ ahhhhh, eloquence, ]

[they think he's asleep because he put a bunch of pillows under his blanket in his bunk. i'm not even sure if i'm being sarcastic or not; he might have literally done that. idiot.

now that he's actually gotten this far into his plan, he has to think about how he's ... going to get finn back to the hangar. maybe he could pull off what finn did on the finalizer? transferring the prisoner. yeah. that could work. okay. he's got this.

poe smiles a little, despite himself.]

Yeah. Yeah, I know that feeling. Look, we're kind of running on borrowed time here, so ... [his hand slowly peels away from finn's face. he picks up the helmet, and starts to get back onto his feet.]

If you don't come with me, I'm gonna stun you and drag you with me. [he hadn't wanted to consider that option because it would make sneaking almost impossible but it is ... an option.] I'm not leaving you behind. You deserve so much better than this. Being all locked up. Treated like trash. You're still a hero to the Resistance. They can't take that from you.

The First Order can take whatever it wants! Maybe you haven't noticed that!

[ that's like their entire philosophy and they've done a great job with it so far. okay but see, if this whole thing tracks, it suddenly makes a lot more sense why he earned himself a ticket to reconditioning and why he isn't allowed to do anything he's trained his whole life to do anymore. it's not just an issue of not following orders, it's him being a literal traitor. even that's too close to the edge of the tangled-up mess in his mind to keep entertaining.

he tears himself away from this entire train of thought ASAP just to try to keep functioning. one thing at a time. it's only through deliberate and painful effort that he's not flipping the majority of his shits already, so he's repressing the heck out of everything he can for the time being.

AND HE'LL STAND UP TOO, HE GUESSES? THEY'RE DOING THIS? he's sure not in the mood to get stunned, because he wouldn't get a chance to punch this man in the face for doing it pre-death, so like. might as well, apparently. have the wariest/saltiest side-eye of your life tho, poe, you've earned it. ]

[yeah he won't lie, the side-eye hurts a little. everything about this hurts. nothing is okay. he doesn't know a whole hell of a lot about reconditioning, but whatever they did to finn to break him, take away his memories and make him all scared ... they're going to pay for that. poe is going to make them pay. he is going to take down the entire first order if it's the last thing he does (and realistically it probably will be but you know what. you know what. he's okay with it.)

additionally: it breaks his heart to see finn like this, but he has to hold it in. at least for a little while. until he can get them both back to the newest resistance hideout, until leia can yell at him and strip him of any ranking probably. (it would still be worth it.) only after he and finn are out and he knows that finn is safe will he allow himself to mourn.

if that's the right word. he can't really be gone. he's in there somewhere. poe just has to find the part of him that got buried. he knows he can. if anyone can, he can. no one is ever really gone.]

They think they can, but they can't, and I'm gonna show them that. [yep. him, poe elizabeth dameron, will personally show the first order that. he puts his helmet back on — by the way, stormtrooper armor is not great. how does anyone even move. it's awful — and grabs finn by the arm. this is gonna be fine. yep. just fine.] Stay calm for me, okay?

[ if there was for some reason any kind of doubt that poe is a rebel, that's enough to blast it out of the water. jeez.

prisoner update: he hates this. he is fully prepped to crawl out of his skin and break something and maybe ask captain phasma if there's anything they can do to just fix him, and he won't screw it up this time, he'll do better. (and it won't happen, and there's nothing he can do, and this is the worst day of his life. which is saying something considering how the past however many days have been going.) so that's about where he's sitting. ]

You stay calm. I could sell you out to the first patrol we walk past. [ you're the one who thinks you're getting out of this alive somehow, sir, so just keep your worries in line. fn-2187 can't bring himself to burst that bubble, for some reason. it's gonna go soon enough. let the man have his extra minute of hope. he's the only one on this ship with any to spare.

it's the most idle threat in the world, bc he just had that entire conversation to kick up a fuss and get someone in here, but STILL. ]

[luckily it can't be seen from the helmet but he does roll his eyes like oh bitch i wish you would sell me out to the first patrol we walk past. one: he believes that finn is so intrinsically good that has to be an idle threat and two: if it wasn't, well then fuck him, he deserves to be taken prisoner for being so wrong. but he doesn't want to actually say anything along those lines to encourage him, because finn seems like a major loose cannon right now and really, he rather would have this scenario end with both of them escaping in one piece.]

Oh, I'm calm. Don't worry about me.

[and honestly, he is. he was calm when he was the prisoner and finn was doing this to him. he's calm now. he's a leaf on the wind. he's one with the force, and the force is one with him. he walks with purpose to the hangar, fast but not too fast to draw suspicion. just gotta hope no one recognizes or wonders too much about finn.]

Edited (repeating the same icon twice in a row is my nemesis) 2018-01-15 18:26 (UTC)

[ ok honestly it's good the helmet is on because i can't actually guarantee he wouldn't start arguing more out of spite if he saw that eyeroll. how trusting can one man get, though? to just break into a first order ship to nab one stormtrooper and then not even entertain the thought of getting sold out? how.

they might hit a brief little snag in getting out of the actual cell, but it's mostly because ya boy finally registers that they actually will be walking out of the door and leaving. which is uhhh Bad Because Reasons? he doesnt have sources he just knows this. so he sorta drags his feet and has to squeeze his eyes shut like he's about to jump off a cliff or something to make himself not immediately balk. that's okay, though, that's like. that's "prisoner who may or may not be a traitor possibly getting hauled off for questioning or reconditioning or an unceremonious execution" behavior, right. he thinks it's fine.

he then thinks to himself about how super calm he is at least forty times. the first major life choice he actually remembers making is to die on his own terms, and that's totally fine. he tries to stop thinking in general when that doesn't help. he definitely doesn't let himself think about any of the ramifications of what they're doing rn bc the corridors are a bad place to like, Scream.

on the dare i say upside, the hangar is way farther than he thought they were gonna get???

and yeah he doesn't try to throw poe under the bus. faith wins again, jerkface.

... can this guy... can he even like fly one of these ships... how the fuck did he get here. ]

[yeah, son, meet poe dameron, who may literally be insane. that is the only way to explain the numerous decisions he has made out of blind faith, unrelenting stupidity, or a mixture of both. the "oh that crazy fn-2187's in trouble again and is getting hauled off somewhere whatever" logic seems to hold for them. somehow. they make it to the hangar. even poe's like "wow. i can't believe i actually did that."

and the getting there? it was ingenious, really. his idea. taking a crash-landed tie fighter, fixing it back up, and flying it right back into a first order hangar. side note: he "repaired" it with the star wars equivalent of duct tape and hopes and dreams in like a couple hours, so. there's ... a lot that could go wrong here. he's been trying not to think about it. this ridiculous good luck streak is going to end any minute now, as as he gets closer to the finish line, the major ways in which is could go wrong are becoming impossible to at least consider.

a) first order people being like "what is this sad-ass looking unsanctioned tie fighter doing in our hangar"
b) the first order firing on the tie fighter as soon as they exit ala what happened last time
c) the tie fighter giving up on life and exploding of its own volition because it's held together by duct tape and dreams

you know what we gotta get the fuck out of here. they are going to die any hecking minute now.

it's still there, at least. maybe they left it alone. or put a tracker on it. maybe this is some sort of experiment; they're just letting poe get away with it because they're sure it's going to backfire in his face. fn-2187 is totally going to kill poe and take him off their hands. could that be a thing???? shit, that could totally be a thing. no that's stupid dameron, cease all thinking immediately. you know, back to the usual.

he sort of unceremoniously shoves finn into the tie fighter like let's go fam. gotta go fast. also the helmet is immediately coming off. his hair was dying and now it is free.]

You backed me up on one of these before, remember? Same principle as firing a blaster.

[ one of the strengths of star wars is how far a shitty or not at all thought-out plan can get a person if they're trying to do the Right Thing.

stormtroopers aren't worth a dang even when they're not out of order, my dude. these guys look like they've got a destination to reach, which they sort of do really, and a lot of troopers are too busy looking for like. cool leather jacket rebels. or doing inventory. whatever they're supposed to be doing today. ]

I didn't-- [ he's not even finishing that argument, he's saving the exact level of irritation in that statement for another day, but know that that story sounds fake as hell and he is determined not to try to think about it.

he starts??? toggling shit? does he consider that he's never been trained on one of these, hell no he doesn't consider it, it's not even gonna matter. ]

This is very complicated. [ the force awakens, dir. jj abrams, 2k15. the salt awakens, dir. fn-2187, 2k18. ] Blasters aren't complicated.

[ we all know they're probably gonna get shot at. they both immediately die. they get blown up instantly i can't believe how short this thread was. finn would absolutely believe it. ]

[it's kylo ren's birthday. there's a party upstairs they're all attending against their will. there's not even any cake but they have to be like "man that kylo ren sure is great i hope he doesn't murder us just because he's he got 35 presents and last year he got 37. why didn't we get 2 more presents??? aw shit." ]

It's not that complicated, it's just — [he explains it the way he explained it in the force awakens. i was going to rewatch that part and type it out but it was really fast and i was tired. fn-2187's not even going to absorb all of it anyway.]

Don't worry about it. We're gonna be fine.

[poe dameron's famous last words as he takes off — and untethers the cable haha fuck you bitches he learned his lesson last time. we're out of here time to HOPE WE DON'T DIE]

[ kylo ren would fucking do that and now its canon.

HE KNEW IT WAS COMPLICATED. even though its like 3 steps. blasters are better, point and shoot, watch your charges, the end. fn-2187 sure as hell doesn't believe in that "we're gonna be fine" mojo but if he tries to laugh at it he might implode. ]

I don't trust your definition of fine!

[ im proud of poe for redeeming his tether error. his development is full circle.

BUT HEY GUESS WHAT INEVITABLY HAPPENS, THAT'S RIGHT, PEW PEW. the people who couldnt go to the birthday party are so relieved they didn't have to go that they're doing their jobs better than ever.

i can't believe what a skin-of-their-teeth space battle chase scene they live through. there's dead engines?? maybe? there's shooting for sure. there's a lot of yelling and dumb luck and improbable bullshit they have to do to not die. there's lots of stuff going on.

but luckily they're also aiming for hyperspace and not a nearby planet so like, in some ways, this is weirdly smoother than the jakku incident and that's all u can really ask for. ]

[poe's truly come so far. and yet, in other ways ... not at all. look at all this fuckery right here alone. he's a work in progress.

SPACE BATTLE. it happens. it's great. they have the time of their lives. i can't believe this is literally 50 first dates and poe is recreating their first date for finn right now in hopes that he'd remember. he meant to do that. it was all part of his plan. (jk this was definitely not part of his plan but since this is the way things are going, maybe he was sort of hoping it'd jar something anyway. repressed memories, not the adrenaline of barely getting out alive, which it definitely jarred. )

but now they're in hyperspace, he can breathe a little. they made it out. he knows hyperspace. he can deal with hyperspace. keeping this piece of shit in motion long enough to land on a planet is something within the realm of his capabilities.]

See? We did it! I told you it was gonna be fine.

[ meanwhile, on this side, who gets 5 seconds to start thinking again and immediately feels the threads holding the lids on multiple freakouts fray away into nothingness? it's this guy. his process is swift and merciless.

1. space is way, way too big.
2. x-wings are way, way too small.
3. they were supposed to like, die. what does he do with this lack of dying? arguably that should be good, but. well. it's not super good when the pièce de résistance goes like:

4. oh god he just fucking left, he's just in a dinged-up ship with some rebel going who knows where and he's gone, and this is the nightmare scenario, even beyond the most basic "buddy that's desertion" standards. on some level, somehow, somewhere, he is firmly aware that this is actively the worst possible thing he could have done, ever. it's bad, it's really, really bad. he should have just let himself think about it while he was still on the ship instead of listening to some dude with nice hair.

(is he happy about this on some deep forbidden level? deeply, intensely relieved? bc he thinks he might be, but realizing that makes it even worse.) ]

Oh, no. [ what the fuck did he just do, he can't take this back and apologize?? this doodle can't be undone??? ] Oh no no nonononono, this is-- we can't--

[ HERE'S A GREAT PARTY TRICK: SIT IN YOUR GUNNER'S SEAT AND IMMEDIATELY START HYPERVENTILATING WHEN WHAT YOU'VE DONE SINKS IN. and maybe crying a little. at a certain point it all really meshes together into one big can of Instant Regrets. ]

[oh no. he wants to comfort finn but his number one priority is keeping this tie fighter (which is also very small so like still accurate) alive long enough to land it. and hope that it's not another crash landing that blows both of them miles away from each other because he'd really like to not re-enact that particular part of their first date.]

Finn. Finn. I need you to stay with me, okay? C'mon, buddy. Breathe. [please don't have a panic attack in the gunner's seat. that seems like a horrible accident waiting to happen.] Take a deep breath, count to four, exhale, count to four. Can you do that?

[ he doesn't have a name. he doesn't want to keep hearing it. it feels like it almost could be his, but it's not allowed to be, and the latter scares him enough to keep it in check. this entire situation is a Problem.

his breathing improves uhh moderately? i mean he's trying to put in the effort on it, he's sort of on board with not losing his shit in here, but half the time his body's just like "fuck you and your oxygen". work in progress. he will probably get there. ]

I'm not-- I have to go back, I can't--

[ you will always be brought back to where you belong.

he knows that. he just lined himself up for reconditioning again without wondering why he was doing it. if the first order doesn't go ahead and write him off to be shot on sight, he's gonna have to do it all over again. he's not gonna be anything by the time they're done with him.

it doesn't matter where he goes. it doesn't matter who he's with. it doesn't matter what he wants. it doesn't matter. he'll always end up in the same place. ]

I'm gonna have to go back.

[ and look maybe his voice breaks a little tiny bit because some part of him keeps saying "i don't want to" anyway, but SHUT YOUR FUCK, POE LASTNAME. SHUT ALL OF THEM. ]

[well poe refuses to call him fn-1234 or whatever it is (he did not retain that information at all) and he's just so clearly finn. maybe if he keeps saying his name over and over, finn will become okay with it. because that's how that works.]

No one's taking you back. You're never going back.

[you may say, "yeah poe i'm sure you would've said that before and he still went back," but guess what? poe has been pushed to The Edge and there's not going to be a "back" for finn to be taken to because he is going to singlehandedly murder the entire first order all by himself. how? that part's still a work in progress. but it's going to happen. believe it. you kind of have to believe it because he sounds SO INTENSE when he says it. he's nothing if he's not being a literal human 100 emoji.

but that aside, he has to figure out ... where to go. where's close? he doesn't want to show up to the resistance's newest base in this tie fighter for a multitude of reasons:

a) they might shoot at him because why is he in a tie fighter??
b) if this is some whack ass social experiment from kyle ron and they have him tracked, he doesn't want to take this ship back to home base
c) leia is definitely 100% going to be absolutely furious with him and yell at him and slap him and demote him from captain, skip over lieutenant, flight officer, flight cadet and end on guy who just sort of hangs around here being sad in leia's doghouse. (a valid military ranking)

yeah let's be real it's mostly c. c is why they're going to go on an off-road adventure. because he's scared of his mom.

what's nearby? well... there's coruscant. okay, they can go to coruscant. that's the plan. he's got this. maybe he'll let finn know.]

We're going to Coruscant.

Edited 2018-01-16 03:16 (UTC)

[ shit. u rite.

he's starting to think poe might be an idiot. a good pilot. a big idiot. still riding the "didn't get blown up by a big ship" high or something.

it's sort of amazing how much of an intense heck poe even gives about this issue. and it's... nice to hear someone say that like they totally believe it? poe seems like what decent people must be like, and finn, bc i'm tired of typing fn-2187 all the time, thinks he's gonna be genuinely sad when poe's determination to drag him to freedom or whatever gets the guy killed.

poe just doesn't understand how this works. some things you only learn the hard way.

he provides moral support for his new road trip bro's planning process, which is more to say he shoves his face into his hands and tries to contain his current disaster through sheer willpower. not going great. still basically waiting to sit in a closet and cry. but getting better.

if he sticks "you're never going back" on loop in his mind and tries really hard to breathe like a normal human, he can almost pretend he's calm. give him a minute. ]

Sure. [ he says hopelessly, into his hands, like a grownup. ] Of course we are.

[ why not. why expect there to be a reason. they're gonna go to coruscant, this is the day he's having now. ]

[since finn seems to be taking this information about as well as he's taken any other information poe's tried to give him — as in, barely taking it at all — he tries to give him additional information. like that will take away some of his anxiety.]

This ship's on its last legs, and I don't wanna be flying First Order garbage anymore anyway. [not an assessment of tie fighters in general so much as a fact that he literally dug this ship out of the garbage in some junkyard.] We can find something else to go back to the Resistance in. [and where are we going to find it? you guessed it. also in the garbage. this is his life now. digging through garbage. rey would be so proud.] The whole planet's a giant city. If someone's trying to find us, they're gonna have a hell of a time doing it.

I know you know someone's already trying to find us, Poe. Hold off on the "if".

[ see he can acknowledge you as a person with a name and not just as an irritating rando. he's not sure he'll do it again, it was a really weird experience, he. he thinks? also cool they can die on coruscant. they can die in a giant city or get arrested and dragged back to where they came from, from a giant city.

of all places, objectively, their higher odds of biting it were definitely on the first order ship. they stand a way better chance anywhere else. but statistics don't have to mean a damn thing.

he wonders what it would be like to be a person who got broken out of a first order holding cell and just felt happy to be away. probably have to not get raised by them for those kinds of perks. ]

What am I supposed to do for the Resistance, exactly?

[ finn sounds like he hates that he's even asking this. he wants to say fancy prisoner. if he really had anything to do with them before-- before. he doesn't see how it can apply anymore. or if he wants it to apply. or if he wants to have to handle any of this at all. maybe poe can relate that last one, though, he just has a feeling that he can. ]

I'll have you know that I don't know that.

[like that's going to be reassuring??? wow poe, thanks. also, maybe it just slightly warms his heart that finally FINN CALLED HIM BY HIS NAME HE'S COMING BACK AROUND HE'S GOING TO REMEMBER EVERYTHING AND THEY'RE GOING TO BE BROS AGAIN. that's definitely what's happening here.]

I — you did all sorts of stuff, Finn. You had First Order intelligence that there's no way we could've had otherwise. You fought for us, and you were so brave — maybe a little too brave, but I get like that sometimes, too. I get it.

[yeah you are (were?) both psychopaths that can't stop. it's not a good thing son smh.]

Well, I know: they're looking for us and they're gonna find us.

[ sounds! fake!!! sounds like a great way to make him feel really sad and confused about things he doesn't get. bantha shit. tho he absolutely believes poe is nuts, all rescues considered.

god did he even actually get out of reconditioning? is he still there? and this is an elaborate simulation designed to teach him a lesson, only he doesn't know what the lesson is. fuck. his brain is fucked. ]

And here's some extra intel: if I actually did any of that, they should've executed me already.

[ make a better less pavlovian-terror inducing backstory dude. ]

[ he wants to do more, say more, but his attention is divided right now and his pilot skills take a slightly higher priority. when they land, he can sort out everything that happened. everything he needs to do. he can take better care of finn.]

Maybe they should've, but they didn't. It's gotta be for a reason. [yeah like making finn a sleeper assassin. don't think about that poe that's stupid. look at him, they fucked up a perfectly good person. it's got anxiety. AND THE GALAXY IS A GOOD PLACE.]

The Force is on our side for this one, buddy. They didn't execute you, and we both made it out. I think everything's gonna feel better when we land. [because finn will be able to have a panic attack in open space instead of a claustrophobic death trap.]

And even if they're tracking us, one, we're in hyperspace, [he really hopes finn doesn't remember the whole thing where the first order is TOTALLY CAPABLE OF TRACKING SHIPS GOING AT LIGHTSPEED NOW what the fuck, but he finds it highly improbable they'd waste that cutting edge technology on him. a ship carrying the entire resistance? sure. a singular rebel with a deathwish and a stormtrooper he kidnapped? less likely.] and two, we're ditching this ship first thing. Good riddance.

[ if he's a sleeper assassin the first order is gonna be real disappointed when he like. goes all ella enchanted bc leia asked if he wanted some water one time, and immediately finns the fuck out. morally.

also, getting to have his panic attack in open space will be a dream slash nightmare come true. please. its either that or pretend he can stave it off indefinitely, only to fail horribly. ]

I can't tell if you're pretending you thought this out because it's supposed to make me feel better or if you just think you really did think everything out. [ either way, power move.

you're never going back, you're never going back, you're never going back, you should be commandeering this ship and going back, you should want to go back 100%, you are quite possibly the least functional stormtrooper in history. ]

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i was wrong when i keyworded this icon. i played myself

oh no whoops

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